Popular

1. Popularity isn't just for kids; it profoundly impacts adult life.

Our popularity affects us throughout our lives, often in ways we don’t realize.

Beyond the playground. While we might think popularity peaked in high school, its dynamics persist in adult settings like offices, communities, and social groups. The same social hierarchies and desires for acceptance or influence continue to play out, shaping our daily interactions and long-term trajectories.

Lasting influence. Research shows that childhood popularity predicts significant adult outcomes, often more strongly than factors like intelligence or family background. Studies have linked early popularity to later academic success, stronger relationships, and higher income, while unpopularity is associated with increased risks for substance abuse, depression, and health problems.

Enduring feelings. The emotional residue of our past popularity experiences remains with us. Remembering our social standing in youth can still evoke strong feelings today, suggesting that our relationship with popularity is deeply embedded and continues to influence our self-esteem, insecurities, and overall happiness.

2. Forget "cool": There are two distinct types of popularity – Status vs. Likability.

That’s because there is, in fact, more than one type of popularity.

Status vs. Likability. Social science identifies two main types of popularity. Status is about visibility, influence, dominance, and being widely known or emulated – often what we thought of as "cool" in high school. Likability, however, is about being genuinely liked, trusted, and making others happy when they are around you.

Independent dimensions. These two types of popularity are largely independent; someone can be high in status but low in likability (the "popular mean kid") or vice versa. Failing to distinguish between these can lead people to pursue the wrong kind of popularity, one that doesn't actually lead to fulfillment.

Different origins. Likability is understood and valued by children as young as four, based purely on who is most liked. Status, however, becomes salient later, in adolescence, and is often associated with dominance and power dynamics that emerge during that developmental stage.

3. Status-seeking is biologically wired but often leads to unhappiness and problems.

But wishing for extrinsic goals—fame, power, excessive wealth, and beauty—is associated with discontent, anxiety, and depression.

Wired for status. Our brains, particularly the ventral striatum, are wired to seek social rewards and status, a drive that intensifies during adolescence. This biological predisposition makes us crave attention, approval, and influence, linking these extrinsic goals to feelings of pleasure.

Motivational magnets. This craving extends beyond direct social rewards to things associated with high status, like wealth or beauty, acting as "motivational magnets." This subcortical drive can lead us to pursue status-related goals without conscious awareness, sometimes even when they are not good for us.

The dark side of status. Despite the allure, the relentless pursuit and attainment of high status are linked to negative outcomes. Research on highly successful individuals (celebrities, CEOs) reveals a pattern of initial elation followed by feeling overwhelmed, resentment, addiction to the high, a sense of splitting identity, and ultimately, loneliness and depression.

4. Likability is the true predictor of long-term happiness, health, and success.

Substantial evidence suggests that it is our likability that can predict our fate in so many domains of life.

The power of being liked. Unlike status, likability is consistently linked to positive long-term outcomes across the lifespan. Studies show that likable children grow up to have higher self-esteem, make more money, enjoy better-quality relationships, and are physically healthier than their less-liked peers.

Beyond other factors. The benefits of likability persist even after accounting for intelligence, socioeconomic status, mental health, and specific behaviors that contribute to being liked. This suggests that being genuinely accepted and trusted by others has a direct, positive impact on our lives.

A different world. Likable people inhabit a world where they are treated well, fostering a positive feedback loop. Their positive interactions provide opportunities to develop sophisticated social skills, leading to more fulfilling relationships and greater success in various life domains.

5. Unpopularity literally hurts: Social rejection impacts our brains, bodies, and health.

Recent evidence suggests that being unpopular can be hazardous to our health.

Social pain is real. Our brains process social pain (like rejection or exclusion) in the same regions (dACC and AI) that process physical pain. This "social pain" acts as a powerful alarm system, motivating us to avoid being ostracized, reflecting our evolutionary need to belong to a group for survival.

Biological consequences. Being socially disconnected or unpopular is a significant health risk. Studies show it predicts higher mortality rates, comparable to smoking, and increases the risk for various physical illnesses like heart disease and inflammatory disorders, even after controlling for other health factors.

Cellular impact. Social rejection can even alter our DNA expression, activating genes related to inflammation (useful for ancient wounds) and deactivating those related to viral protection. Chronic unpopularity may lead to a "molecular remodeling" of the body, making individuals more susceptible to modern diseases linked to chronic inflammation.

6. Popularity is a "Boomerang": Our social behavior creates our social reality.

Likable people live in a different world from the one inhabited by their unlikable peers.

Transactional relationships. Our social interactions are a constant give-and-take. How we behave towards others influences how they respond, which in turn influences our subsequent behavior and feelings, creating a continuous feedback loop or "transactional model."

Positive cascades. Likable individuals initiate positive transactions – they are cooperative, helpful, and kind. This elicits positive responses from others, reinforcing their likability and providing more opportunities to practice and refine social skills, leading to a cascade of positive experiences and development.

Negative cycles. Conversely, unlikable behaviors (aggression, selfishness, social awkwardness) elicit negative responses like avoidance or rejection. This limits opportunities for positive social learning, perpetuating poor social skills and reinforcing a negative view of the world, trapping individuals in a cycle of unpopularity and disadvantage.

7. High school popularity leaves a lasting legacy, shaping our adult biases.

Arguably, those old confrontations with popularity are the very basis for your adult personality.

Adolescent blueprint. The experiences we have during the critical period of adolescent brain development, particularly regarding popularity, lay down foundational memories and neural pathways. These early experiences become a template, influencing our automatic reactions and shaping our adult personality.

Biased processing. Our brains constantly reference these adolescent memories to efficiently process social information today. This creates biases in:

• Cue Encoding: What social information we notice (popular people focus on positive cues, unpopular on negative).
• Cue Interpretation: How we interpret ambiguous social situations (e.g., hostile attribution bias, rejection sensitivity).
• Response Selection: How we instinctively choose to act (e.g., aggressive, passive, or prosocial responses).

Unconscious influence. These biases operate automatically, in milliseconds, without conscious thought. While efficient, they can lead to misperceptions and maladaptive behaviors if rooted in negative past experiences, causing us to inadvertently repeat adolescent social patterns.

8. Social media amplifies the pursuit of status, often at the expense of likability.

Ultimately our concern over living so much of our lives online should be less about how it affects us as individuals than its general repercussions on our culture.

The "Like" economy. Social media platforms are built on the pursuit of visibility and social rewards ("likes," followers, viral content), directly tapping into our biological drive for status. This creates an environment where being seen and approved by many, even strangers, is highly reinforcing.

Status over substance. The focus on accumulating followers and likes promotes status-seeking behaviors. It encourages presenting an idealized self, seeking attention, and prioritizing visibility over genuine connection, potentially blurring the distinction between status and likability in our cultural values.

Undermining values. The emphasis on popularity online can influence our judgment, making provocative or questionable content seem more acceptable if it is popular. This suggests that the pursuit of status can compromise our ability to distinguish between what is genuinely good or bad, making popularity the primary metric of value.

9. Parents influence popularity, but secure attachment and social coaching are key.

Parents can affect their children’s popularity in several ways.

Beyond genetics. While genetics (like attractiveness or temperament) play a role, parents significantly influence a child's likability through the social environment they create and their parenting style. The parent-child relationship is a primary training ground for social skills.

Attachment matters. Secure parent-child attachment in infancy predicts greater popularity and social success later in life. Parents who are attuned, responsive, and able to soothe their child's distress foster a secure base that promotes healthy social exploration and interaction.

Coaching and modeling. Parents act as crucial social coaches, teaching children how to interact, share, cooperate, and resolve conflicts. Modeling positive social behaviors and discussing social situations helps children develop the emotional intelligence and skills needed to become likable peers. However, over-involvement or excessive protection can hinder a child's social development.

10. We can choose the type of popularity that truly matters: Prioritize Likability.

It turns out that the answer we are looking for is what we have known all along: the thing that will make us happiest is if we are likable.

A conscious choice. Despite biological drives and past experiences, we have the power to choose which type of popularity to prioritize. While status may offer temporary social rewards, decades of research confirm that genuine happiness and fulfillment come from being likable.

Shifting focus. Prioritizing likability means focusing on behaviors that foster connection and trust: cooperating, helping others, showing genuine interest, promoting harmony, and making others feel valued. It's about fitting in through kindness rather than standing out through dominance.

Rewriting the past. By consciously choosing likable behaviors, we initiate positive transactional cycles. These new interactions create positive social memories, gradually overwriting the negative biases from adolescence and building a social reality based on mutual respect and genuine connection, leading to a happier, more fulfilling life.

Last updated: May 3, 2025