Raising Girls

1. Understand the Five Stages of Girlhood Development

For you as their parent, it helps to have a map of the country of childhood, so that you know what to expect and what to do.

Girlhood is a journey. All girls traverse five distinct developmental stages, each posing a fundamental question about life and self. These stages, unlike boys', often occur earlier and involve unique challenges and learning opportunities. Understanding this map allows parents to anticipate needs and provide targeted support.

Stages build upon each other. Success in an earlier stage provides the foundation for navigating later ones. For instance, feeling secure (Stage 1) enables confident exploration (Stage 2), which in turn supports developing social skills (Stage 3). Missing out on a stage's core lesson can lead to difficulties later, but these can often be addressed remedially with conscious effort.

Decisions shape destiny. At each stage, a girl makes profound, life-altering decisions based on her experiences. Positive experiences lead to decisions like "I am loved and safe," "The world is interesting," and "People are fine." Conversely, negative experiences can lead to feelings of insecurity, fear, distrust, worthlessness, and powerlessness, highlighting the critical role of parental guidance and a supportive environment.

2. Stage 1: Build Security and Love (Birth–2 years)

It’s through her parents comforting her tenderly, singing and talking to her, jiggling and tickling and loving her, that a baby girl comes fully alive, and decides that life is good.

Foundation of security. The first two years are crucial for a baby girl to establish a sense of safety and being loved. Human babies are uniquely dependent, and their survival instinct drives them to seek constant reassurance and connection from caregivers. This isn't just about physical needs but profound emotional attunement.

Responsiveness is key. Parents' ability to be tuned in to their baby's signals and respond calmly and smoothly builds trust and teaches the baby how to regulate her own emotions. This "joint attention" and soothing response, often involving higher-pitched voices and gentle rocking, helps wire the brain's pathway from stress to relaxation, a skill vital for lifelong mental health.

• Babies are wired for panic for survival.
• Parents must regulate their emotions for the baby.
• Calmness is a skill parents can cultivate.

Love fosters development. Beyond basic care, playful interactions, singing, talking, and simply being present help the baby's brain grow rapidly. Ignoring a baby's cries can teach "learned helplessness," a pattern where she learns her efforts have no effect, leading to physiological depression. Prioritizing time and emotional presence, supported by family and friends, is essential.

3. Stage 2: Foster Exploration and Confidence (2–5 years)

This stage is when a girl learns to be confident and interested in the world around her, to be smart and creative.

World as an adventure. Building on the security of Stage 1, girls aged 2-5 are driven to explore their environment with determination. This is the time to nurture curiosity, creativity, and confidence by providing opportunities to interact with the world of things, animals, and people. Secure toddlers explore more widely, knowing their caregiver is a safe base.

Expand her horizons. Parents can unconsciously limit girls' interests (e.g., focusing on "cute" instead of "how many"). Actively encouraging exploration in diverse areas like nature, numbers, building, and physical activities broadens her abilities and prevents limiting stereotypes. Enthusiasm from adults is contagious and fuels her love of learning.

• Talk about numbers and engineering with girls.
• Encourage interest in nature, machines, tools.
• Provide simple, open-ended materials for creativity.

Play is paramount. Unstructured, imaginative play is the primary mode of learning and brain development at this age. It fosters creativity, problem-solving, and social negotiation skills. Avoid over-scheduling with performance-oriented activities; simple environments with fewer, tougher toys encourage deeper engagement and imagination. Dress her in clothes that allow messy, active play without anxiety.

4. Stage 3: Teach People Skills and Empathy (5–10 years)

Right through primary school, this most complex of skills – valuing yourself, but also valuing others and treating them with respect – is gradually being learned.

Navigating social waters. As girls enter school, the focus shifts to learning how to get along with others – peers and adults. This stage is about developing complex social skills like sharing, cooperation, empathy, and managing conflict. It builds on early attachment experiences; being treated kindly fosters kindness and empathy towards others.

Friendship skills are learned. While friends are vital, especially for girls, navigating relationships is challenging. Parents serve as anchors and coaches, helping girls understand social dynamics and develop key friendship skills. These include:

• Enjoying company and lightening up.
• Taking turns and sharing.
• Empathizing with others' feelings.
• Regulating aggression and managing disagreements calmly.
• Apologizing when wrong.
• Reading emotions in others.
• Learning when and who to trust.

Broaden her social circle. Relying solely on same-age school peers can be limiting. Encourage connections with people of different ages – younger children (for nurturing), older teens/young women (for role models), and older women (for wisdom and grounding). Community activities, sports, or interest groups provide diverse social environments and different mirrors for her self-perception, fostering a stronger sense of belonging beyond school cliques.

5. Stage 4: Help Her Find Her Soul and Spark (10–14 years)

These are the years in which she begins to strengthen the ‘inside’ of her deep self – who she really is.

Emergence of the inner self. Puberty brings a new inwardness and a stronger sense of being a separate, private self. This is a critical period (10-14) for a girl to explore her identity, values, interests, and passions – her "soul" or "spark." It's a time when she needs increased parental time, interest, and availability, not less, to prepare for adulthood.

Discovering her spark. Every young person has a "spark" – an interest, talent, commitment, or character quality that brings joy, motivation, and purpose. Identifying and nurturing this spark is vital for her well-being and future direction. Sparks can be skills (art, music, sport), commitments (social justice, nature), or character traits (empathy, courage).

• Ask her what she loves to do and how you can help.
• Identify obstacles and find support (adults, community).
• Confirm and affirm her spark; tell her you see it.

Support is crucial. For a spark to burn brightly, it needs three things: an adult in the family who supports it, an adult outside the family (teacher, mentor) who recognizes it, and opportunities to pursue it. Many sparks die out due to lack of these ingredients. Pursuing a spark provides an alternative reference group beyond school peers, enriching her self-view and building resilience against negative influences.

6. Stage 5: Prepare Her for Responsible Adulthood (14–18 years)

By steadying herself, and by receiving the welcome and support of older women, she can leave behind childishness or harmful gullibility, and be accountable, connected to consequences and proactive in making her life worthwhile.

The leap to womanhood. The years 14-18 are a period of intense preparation for independent adulthood (starting around 18-21). While physically capable, her brain's control center (prefrontal cortex) is still developing, making her prone to impulsivity and peer pressure. Modern womanhood requires self-reliance, clear thinking, emotional strength, and responsibility.

Initiation is needed. Becoming an adult shouldn't be left to chance. Traditional societies had rites of passage; modern parents can create similar experiences or support formal programs that challenge girls to consider "what kind of woman do you want to be?" This involves honest discussions about the dangers and freedoms of adulthood and saying goodbye to childhood.

Responsibility builds capability. Learning to contribute to the family and community through chores and responsibilities is essential training. It teaches capability, self-worth, and the value of contributing to others. Insist on basic habits like tidying up, good manners, respecting others' property, and making amends when wrong. This daily practice builds the inner backbone needed to make good choices when faced with real-world pressures like drugs, unsafe situations, or peer influence.

7. Protect Her from Being Too Sexy Too Soon

Everywhere she looks, today’s young girl sees messages that make her feel she is not good enough, that imprison her in cramped and narrow ideas of how she is supposed to look, think and act.

Sexualization is harmful. Girls are being sexualized at increasingly younger ages, pressured by media and marketing to focus on appearance and "hotness." This external evaluation undermines their self-worth and replaces natural sexual development with anxiety and performance pressure. It's a return to evaluating girls as "products" rather than valuing their intrinsic worth.

Media is a major culprit. A greedy corporate world exploits girls' anxieties, creating a "misery industry" that profits from making them feel inadequate about their looks, weight, and social standing. TV, magazines, and online content relentlessly promote unrealistic beauty standards and a distorted view of sexuality, often portraying it as a currency for attention or power, detached from intimacy or relationship.

• Ads attack mental health to sell products.
• Appearance becomes primary concern over character.
• Clothing is often revealing and inappropriate for age.

Parents must intervene. You are in charge of the media that enters your home. Limit or eliminate TV in bedrooms, consciously choose what content is viewed (avoiding constant background TV), and be critical of magazines, especially those focused on fashion and celebrity gossip. Teach your daughter about the "three L's" (liking, loving, lusting) to help her understand different kinds of attraction and relationships, fostering a healthy, empowered sense of her own sexuality based on desire and choice, not external pressure.

8. Navigate the Hazards of Mean Girls and Bullying

Among girls, bullying is most often done in non-physical ways – name-calling, spreading nasty rumours online, excluding or embarrassing a girl by pulling faces or rolling eyes to make her feel stupid.

Bullying is pervasive. Relational aggression, or "mean girl" behavior, is common and deeply hurtful, though often non-physical. It stems from insecurity and a desire for power or acceptance. Bullying affects one in five children and can have severe consequences, including mental health problems and, in extreme cases, suicide.

It takes three to bully. Every bullying situation involves a perpetrator (often feeling bad about themselves), a victim (who needs support to speak up and build resilience), and bystanders. Bystanders are crucial; when they intervene, object, or seek adult help, bullying often stops. Teach your daughter the importance of standing up for others and provide her with phrases and confident body language to use.

• Perpetrators often suffer depression later.
• Victims gain strength by speaking up and getting help.
• Bystanders can stop bullying by intervening or reporting.

Adults must act. Schools and parents need to address bullying directly, creating environments where meanness is not tolerated. This involves teaching social-emotional skills, fostering empathy, and ensuring fair treatment for all girls, not just the dominant ones. Cyberbullying adds another layer, extending harassment into the home. Teach your daughter not to keep online abuse secret, how to use privacy settings, and that threats are illegal. A culture of meanness can arise from lack of love and high stress, highlighting the need for supportive home and school environments.

9. Foster a Healthy Relationship with Her Body and Food

About 15 per cent of all girls and women will experience an eating disorder at some time in their lives – it is a massive epidemic.

Weight obsession is harmful. Society's focus on weight over health is creating a crisis with rising rates of both obesity and eating disorders. Decades of research show that dieting rarely results in long-term weight loss and can actually lead to weight gain over time. The multi-billion-dollar diet industry perpetuates the myth that fatness is a moral failing due to lack of willpower.

Fat-shaming is counterproductive. Humiliating or shaming people for their weight does not motivate health; it increases shame, reduces physical activity, and is a risk factor for both obesity and eating disorders. School programs focused on weight loss can also cause harm, leading to unhealthy behaviors like starvation or smoking to suppress appetite.

• Dieting triggers famine response, slowing metabolism.
• Dieting is the biggest predictor of eating disorders.
• Weight cycling is worse for health than stable weight.

Focus on health, not size. Embrace a "Health At Every Size" approach, prioritizing fitness, intuitive eating (listening to hunger/fullness cues), and joyful physical movement over weight loss. Be a positive role model by ditching diet talk, avoiding weight-obsessed media, and not shaming yourself or others. Have regular, relaxed family meals without screens, teaching mindful eating. Encourage physical activity as fun family time, not just "exercise."

10. Guide Her Through the Risks of Alcohol and Other Drugs

Parents who know where you are, know what you are doing, and are around and in your life, tend not to have kids who drink or use drugs.

Most kids don't use drugs. Despite common fears, the majority of school-aged young people do not use illegal drugs regularly, and usage rates have been falling. However, alcohol remains a significant concern, legally produced and heavily marketed to appeal to young women, posing risks to brain development, safety, and long-term health (like breast cancer).

Parental involvement is key. The most reliable predictor of whether a girl will avoid problem drinking or drug use is parental supervision and monitoring. This means knowing where she is, who she is with, and having caring, firm conversations about safety and proving trustworthiness, not suspicious guarding or trying to be her friend.

• Alcohol use in early teens changes the brain, increasing alcoholism risk.
• 35% of underage drinking is supplied by parents.
• Ecstasy quality is unregulated and dangerous.

Set clear boundaries. Do not provide alcohol to underage kids. Model moderate or no drinking yourself, especially when stressed. Delay exposure to alcohol and club culture as long as possible (ideally until 21, as in the US). Have a clear rescue plan, assuring her you will pick her up anytime, anywhere if she needs help. Encourage peer support systems like "Voice of Reason" where friends look out for each other, prioritizing safety over getting wasted.

11. Understand the Central Role of Mothers as Role Models

For better or worse, mums are the most powerful influence in a girl’s life.

Mum is the primary model. For most girls, their mother is the most significant role model, teaching them what it means to be a woman from the earliest age. Children's brains are wired to watch and copy through "mirror neurons," absorbing their parents' behaviors, attitudes, and emotional responses, even unconsciously. Your daughter will carry you inside her and pass on what she learns.

Model healthy behaviors. Reflect on your own life and consider what lessons your daughter is learning from you. Are you able to manage stress calmly? Do you have healthy relationships? Do you prioritize your own well-being without martyrdom? Your emotional state, how you treat others (including her father), and even how you drive or speak about people are all being absorbed.

• Children cannot be more relaxed than you.
• Model managing emotions, not being overwhelmed.
• Avoid martyrdom; show her how to care for herself.

Explain your values. Magnify your role-modeling by explaining the reasons behind your choices and actions. Share your core beliefs about kindness, honesty, responsibility, and compromise. While she may seem resistant in her teens, she is absorbing your philosophy and will likely adopt it later. Create a peaceful home environment with routines, shared meals, and one-to-one time to provide a safe haven from the outside world's stresses.

12. Recognize the Unique and Vital Importance of Dads

Girls with an involved dad have been found in many studies to have higher self-esteem, get better school marks, and are less likely to become pregnant early, or have problems with alcohol or drugs.

Dads are magical beings. Fathers hold a unique and vital place in a girl's life, representing excitement, safety, and the male world. Their involvement significantly impacts a daughter's self-esteem, academic performance, and risk-taking behavior. Girls deeply desire to love and be loved by their dads.

Safety and self-esteem. A father's primary role is to be a source of safety and protection, never fear. Physical play, done gently and playfully, builds a sense of safety and excitement. Dads also build a daughter's self-esteem by showing genuine interest in her, listening to her thoughts, and valuing her perspective. This makes her feel intelligent and worthwhile, teaching her what to expect from men.

• Dads are her personal ambassador from the Planet Male.
• Mothers make girls secure; dads give them self-esteem.
• Regular one-to-one time is crucial for closeness.

Navigate the teen years gently. Teenage daughters can be irritating, but dads must avoid criticism and fighting, which can be deeply hurtful. Understand that her challenging behavior is often due to brain development and a need to separate. Listen to her emotions (sad, angry, afraid) and validate them. Use "I messages" instead of "You messages" to express feelings without attacking. Be a great example of manhood by treating women with respect, being present, listening, and finding common interests. Single mums can recruit trusted men (grandfathers, uncles) to provide positive male influence.

Last updated: May 8, 2025