Rare Leadership

1. Leadership is Relational Engagement, Not Just Management

Management is the efficient accomplishment of tasks. Leadership is producing and maintaining full engagement from our group in what matters.

Distinct roles. Many leaders confuse management with leadership. Management focuses on tasks, efficiency, and getting things done, often using the brain's "slow track" for conscious problem-solving. Leadership, however, is fundamentally about people—inspiring, guiding, and maintaining their full engagement in shared purpose.

People over tasks. While managing tasks is necessary, prioritizing it over people leads to isolation, burnout, and a focus on results that can damage relationships. Effective leaders understand that sustained productivity and mission accomplishment come from a motivated, connected, and engaged team.

Kingdom focus. In Christian contexts, this distinction is crucial. The Kingdom is about people and their potential in Christ, not just programs or projects. True Kingdom leadership develops "people skills" to help others thrive, a quality often lacking in leaders focused solely on organizational metrics.

2. The Brain's Fast Track (Identity, Joy) Leads the Slow Track (Tasks, Problems)

The brain uses a “fast-track” process for relational leadership skills and a very different “slow-track” process for management skills.

Two systems. The brain operates on two primary tracks: the slow track (conscious thought, 5 cycles/sec) for management, planning, and problem-solving, and the fast track (supra-conscious, 6 cycles/sec) for relational reality, identity, motivation, and emotional control. The fast track is the "master system."

Fast track leads. The slow track is wired to follow the fast track. This means if leaders get the relational, identity-based fast track right for themselves and their team, effective management thinking and execution follow more automatically. Focusing only on the slow track leaves leadership to chance.

Invisible power. The fast track operates faster than conscious awareness, making its processes seem "automatic" or intuitive. Because we don't consciously see it work, we often neglect training it, leading to underdeveloped relational skills, poor emotional regulation, and a default to fear-based motivation when stressed.

3. RARE Habits Define Emotionally Mature Leadership

The thesis of this book is that the fruit of four uncommon habits related to emotional intelligence is a dramatic increase in trust, joy, and engagement in the people you lead.

Uncommon habits. Emotionally mature leaders are characterized by four uncommon habits, summarized by the acronym RARE: Remain Relational, Act Like Yourself, Return to Joy, and Endure Hardship Well. These habits are built on emotional intelligence and relational skills.

High impact. Developing these RARE habits dramatically increases trust, joy, and engagement within a team or organization. They shift the focus from fear-based problem-solving to joy-fueled relational connection, creating a healthier and more sustainable environment.

Beyond IQ. Success in leadership depends more on emotional intelligence (EQ) than intellectual intelligence (IQ). RARE habits cultivate EQ, enabling leaders to navigate complex human dynamics, build strong relationships, and inspire loyalty and commitment beyond mere performance metrics.

4. Remain Relational: Keep Relationships Bigger Than Problems

RARE leaders are the ones who find relational ways to solve problems and thus, keep relationships bigger than problems.

Prioritizing connection. Emotionally immature leaders often sacrifice relationships for the sake of solving problems or achieving results, especially under pressure. RARE leaders, conversely, prioritize maintaining relational connection even when facing significant challenges or conflict.

Relational strategies. Keeping relationships bigger than problems involves specific skills that engage the brain's relational circuits (RCs). These include:

• Curiosity: Asking questions to understand others' perspectives ("I'm curious...")
• Appreciation: Expressing genuine gratitude, which activates relational circuits.
• Kindness: Doing things that create shared joy.
• Envelope Conversations: Framing difficult discussions within the context of the relationship's value and future hope.

RCs on/off. Relational circuits can be "off" when we feel like avoiding people, want problems to disappear, are fixated on upsets, become aggressive, avoid eye contact, or blame others for their hurt. RARE leaders learn to recognize when their RCs are off and use strategies to turn them back on.

5. Act Like Yourself: Live From Your True, Christlike Identity

Everything we need to “be like” Christ is already inside those of us who belong to Him.

True identity. Acting like yourself means living from the core identity God created you to be, which for Christians includes the "be like" stuff of Christ within. This true self is often hidden by masks developed to cope with fear or past hurts, or distorted by imitating dysfunctional people.

Group influence. Identity is deeply tied to belonging. Our sense of self is shaped by "who our people are" and "how it is like us to act" as a group. For Christians, our primary identity group is the "saints," the family of God, which calls us to live as protectors, not predators or possums.

Protectors vs. Predators/Possums.

• Protectors: Emotionally mature, joyful identity, tender toward weakness (in self and others), stand up to predators, draw out potential in the weak.
• Predators: Exploit weakness for gain, lack tenderness, narcissistic, often hide their own faults while highlighting others'.
• Possums: Vulnerable, play dead under pressure, disappear in crisis, often nice but lack capacity to lead when things are hard.

Authenticity builds trust. Leaders who act like themselves consistently build confidence in others. They don't hide weaknesses, making them trustworthy. This authenticity replaces fear with joy, eliminating the need for others to walk on eggshells.

6. Return to Joy: Let Peace Referee Upset Emotions

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.” The Greek word translated as “rule” is probably better translated “referee.”

Peace as referee. Paul's instruction means letting Christ's peace be the signal to stop when upset emotions are running high, just as a referee's whistle stops a game. When peace is absent, it's time to pause and address the emotional state before proceeding.

VCR process. Returning to joy from upset emotions is a learned skill involving Validation, Comfort, and Repatterning (VCR).

• Validate: Name the emotion, recognize its origin, and acknowledge its intensity. This helps synchronize with the emotion and makes people feel understood.
• Comfort: Offer a new perspective or alternative that helps change the focus from the problem to the larger group identity or available resources.
• Repattern: Practice validation and comfort consistently until it becomes the default response to upsetting emotions, calming distress and restoring relational connection.

Beyond acceptance. While accepting emotions is the first step, returning to joy goes further by using the emotion to build stronger relationships. It's about remaining relational and acting like yourself during the upset, not just after it passes.

7. Endure Hardship Well: Build Capacity to Suffer Relationally

Joy is not a recipe for avoiding pain. Joy is what enables us to suffer well.

Suffering is inevitable. Hardship and unpleasant emotions are unavoidable parts of life and leadership. The ability to endure them well is a hallmark of maturity and builds emotional capacity.

Capacity matters. Emotional capacity is the amount of stress or emotional intensity a person can handle before becoming overwhelmed, shutting down, or acting out of character. Trauma and neglect stunt capacity development, leaving individuals emotionally fragile.

Joy enables endurance. Joy is the key to suffering well because it assures us we are not alone in our pain. Relational joy provides the strength and resilience needed to navigate trials while remaining connected to others and our true identity.

Building capacity. Capacity is built through consistent practice of RARE habits, especially:

• Practicing appreciation daily to grow joy capacity.
• Getting thoughts in sync with God's (finding peace).
• Recognizing and addressing what drains joy.
• Building joy before relational encounters.
• Avoiding joy substitutes (addictions).

8. Joy, Not Fear, Fuels Sustainable Leadership

RARE leadership uses the same power plant but a different and more powerful fuel. The fuel of the fast-track identity in RARE leadership is joy.

Motivational fuel. The fast-track identity system, the brain's power plant for action and resistance, can be fueled by either fear or joy. Fear is explosive and can drive intense, short-term action (like terrorists or bullies), but it is ultimately toxic and unsustainable.

Joy's power. Joy is a less explosive but more powerful and sustainable fuel. It motivates connection, creativity, resilience, and protection (like Jesus or RARE leaders). Joy-fueled groups are glad to be together and thrive even in difficult times.

Fear's cost. When fear dominates, it leads to:

• Increased isolation ("It's all up to me").
• Motivation through warning of negative outcomes ("If you don't...").
• Predatory behavior (criticizing weakness, exploiting power).
• Toxic environments characterized by low trust and high anxiety.

Shift the fuel. RARE leaders intentionally cultivate joy in themselves and their teams, shifting the primary motivational fuel from fear to joy. This creates a healthier, more engaged, and more effective environment where people are motivated by belonging and shared purpose.

9. Leadership Skills Are Learned Through Imitation, Identity, and Intimacy

The fast track does not listen to the words spoken during classroom study because they move too slowly... The fast track observes what people are doing.

Beyond information. Leadership skills, which reside in the fast-track system, are not primarily learned through conscious instruction or reading books alone. The fast track learns through observation, experience, and repetition, building rapid "white matter" habits.

Three learning disciplines:

• Imitation: The fast track's mirror neurons learn by observing and copying the behaviors of others, especially those with skills we admire. Seeking out and spending time with emotionally mature leaders is crucial.
• Identity Groups: Belonging to a group of allies committed to growth provides a safe space to practice RARE habits, receive validation and comfort, and be reminded of one's true identity. These groups are tender toward weakness and foster authenticity.
• Intimacy with God: Connecting with God through practices like conversational prayer and appreciation engages the fast track, allowing us to sense His presence, receive His perspective, and align our identity with His truth.

Transformation takes time. Building new fast-track habits requires consistent practice over months or even years to develop the rapid white matter connections. Shortcuts don't work; a dedicated regimen incorporating these three disciplines is essential for lasting transformation.

10. Emotional Maturity Develops Through Stages

Leaders who are stuck at the infant and child level of emotional development will find themselves frustrated and be a frustration to others.

Developmental path. Emotional maturity follows a natural progression, often described in five stages: Infant, Child, Adult, Parent, and Elder. Each stage is characterized by increasing capacity to handle stress, regulate emotions, and care for others.

Maturity levels:

• Infant: Can express distress but cannot self-regulate or communicate needs clearly. Focus is solely on self-comfort.
• Child: Can communicate needs and care for self, but struggles to care for self and others simultaneously, often prioritizing personal needs.
• Adult: Can care for self and one other person simultaneously, keeps relationships bigger than problems, acts like self, returns to joy.
• Parent: Can model and teach RARE skills, nurturing the maturity of others (like spiritual children).
• Elder: Can care for the needs of the broader community, mentoring multiple "children" and "parents," often taking in those without strong family support.

Unfinished people. Everyone has areas where their maturity development was stunted by trauma or neglect. Recognizing these "holes" is the first step toward intentional growth and becoming the mature leader God intended.

11. Toxic Leadership Stems from Undeveloped Fast-Track Skills

When leaders begin to be swayed by who is going to get upset, they are surrendering their guidance to the most emotionally unstable person in their group.

Fast track off. When a leader's fast-track system is undeveloped or shuts down under pressure, the slow-track management system operates without its essential relational guidance. This leads to a focus on problems and results at the expense of people.

Signs of toxic leadership:

• Using negative emotions (anger, shame, fear) to motivate self and others.
• Avoiding conflict or difficult people.
• Prioritizing results over relationships, leading to burnout and damaged trust.
• Creating a culture of fear where people hide weaknesses and avoid authenticity.
• Becoming isolated and unable to receive help or feedback.
• Turning relationships into problems to be managed or avoided.

Consequences. Toxic leadership creates dysfunctional groups, high turnover, low morale, and ultimately undermines the organization's mission. It is often rooted in the leader's own unresolved trauma and lack of emotional capacity.

12. Assess Maturity to Build Stronger Leaders and Teams

When it comes to leadership, it turns out that emotional maturity may just be the most important assessment we can make.

Beyond traditional assessments. While assessing gifts, skills, and personality is common, evaluating emotional maturity is crucial for predicting leadership effectiveness and identifying areas for growth.

Benefits of assessing maturity:

• Helps hire more mature leaders, reducing the risk of dysfunction.
• Creates a foundation for authenticity by normalizing developmental "holes."
• Identifies specific skills needing development, allowing for tailored growth plans.
• Fosters tenderness toward weakness, viewing it as an opportunity for growth, not punishment.
• Enhances discipleship by understanding where individuals need protection and encouragement.

RARE assessment. Maturity can be assessed by evaluating the four RARE habits:

• Remaining Relational: How well do they handle conflict and prioritize relationships?
• Acting Like Yourself: Are they authentic or do they wear masks? How do they handle triggers?
• Returning to Joy: Can they recover quickly from upset emotions and help others do the same?
• Enduring Hardship Well: What is their capacity to handle stress and maintain RARE habits under pressure?

Growth, not judgment. The purpose of assessment is not to judge or control, but to understand and facilitate growth towards becoming the RARE leader God desires.

Last updated: June 19, 2025