Real Marriage

1. Marriage is a friendship with benefits, requiring intentional cultivation

"Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse."

Friendship is foundational. A strong marriage is built on deep friendship between spouses. This involves mutual respect, enjoyment of each other's company, and intimate knowledge of one another's hopes, dreams, and quirks. Friendship provides a buffer against viewing one's spouse as an opponent during conflicts.

Intentional effort is required. Cultivating friendship in marriage doesn't happen automatically. It requires:

• Regular date nights
• Shared activities and interests
• Meaningful conversations beyond household logistics
• Practicing empathy and active listening
• Prioritizing quality time together amid busy schedules

Couples who invest in their friendship report higher levels of marital satisfaction and are better equipped to weather life's challenges together. By focusing on being each other's best friend, spouses create a strong foundation of trust, intimacy, and enjoyment that enhances all aspects of their relationship.

2. Husbands are called to loving leadership, wives to respectful support

"Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered."

Complementary roles. The Bible outlines distinct yet equally valuable roles for husbands and wives. Husbands are called to sacrificial, servant leadership modeled after Christ's love for the church. Wives are called to respectful support of their husbands' leadership. These roles are not about superiority or inferiority, but about creating a harmonious partnership.

Practical application:

• Husbands: Lead with gentleness, understanding, and self-sacrifice
• Wives: Offer respect and support, using influence wisely
• Both: Mutually submit to one another out of reverence for Christ
• Focus on fulfilling your own role rather than critiquing your spouse's
• Recognize that these roles may look different in various cultural contexts

When both spouses embrace their biblical roles, it creates a dance of mutual love, respect, and service that strengthens the marriage bond. This doesn't mean wives can't have independent thoughts or careers, or that husbands make unilateral decisions. Rather, it's about creating a framework for decision-making and interaction that honors God's design for marriage.

3. Sexual intimacy is a gift from God to be enjoyed within marriage

"Sex was good. God was glorified."

Divine design. God created sex as a beautiful, pleasurable gift to be enjoyed within the covenant of marriage. It's not just for procreation, but for intimacy, comfort, and delight between spouses. The Bible, particularly in Song of Songs, celebrates the erotic love between husband and wife without shame.

Purposes of marital sex:

1. Pleasure and enjoyment
2. Procreation
3. Deepening intimacy and oneness
4. Comfort and stress relief
5. Protection against temptation

Couples should cultivate a healthy, fulfilling sex life as part of a God-honoring marriage. This involves open communication about desires and needs, prioritizing physical intimacy amid busy schedules, and addressing any physical or emotional barriers to sexual enjoyment. A satisfying sex life contributes to overall marital happiness and stability.

4. Pornography and lust are destructive forces that must be overcome

"You don't control porn. Porn controls you."

Neurological impact. Pornography rewires the brain, creating neural pathways that can lead to addiction and distorted views of sexuality. It objectifies people, damages intimacy in real relationships, and often escalates to more extreme content over time.

Steps to overcome:

1. Acknowledge the problem and its seriousness
2. Install accountability software and find an accountability partner
3. Identify and address underlying emotional needs or triggers
4. Renew your mind with Scripture and positive influences
5. Seek professional help if needed
6. Focus on cultivating real intimacy with your spouse

For married couples, pornography use by one or both spouses can severely damage trust and intimacy. Recovery requires honesty, forgiveness, and a commitment to rebuilding a healthy sexual relationship. The goal is to retrain the brain to find satisfaction in real, covenant-based intimacy rather than artificial stimulation.

5. Past sexual trauma requires healing through grace and forgiveness

"To your sense of disgrace, God restores, heals, and re-creates through grace."

Prevalence and impact. Sexual assault and abuse are tragically common and can have long-lasting effects on victims' ability to trust and enjoy healthy intimacy. Many carry deep shame, even though the abuse was not their fault. This can manifest in various ways within marriage, from fear of intimacy to hypersexuality.

Path to healing:

• Acknowledge the trauma and its effects
• Share your story with a trusted counselor or support group
• Allow yourself to feel righteous anger towards the perpetrator
• Embrace God's love and forgiveness for any shame you carry
• Work with your spouse to rebuild trust and healthy intimacy
• Consider professional therapy for deeper healing

Healing is a process that takes time and patience. Spouses of abuse survivors should educate themselves about trauma, practice empathy and understanding, and be willing to work through challenges together. With God's grace and proper support, survivors can experience profound healing and enjoy healthy, fulfilling marriages.

6. Open communication about sex strengthens marital intimacy

"Can we _______?"

Breaking taboos. Many couples struggle to discuss sex openly, leading to misunderstandings, unfulfilled desires, and potential resentment. Creating a safe space to talk about sexual needs, preferences, and concerns is crucial for a thriving intimate life.

Topics to discuss:

• Frequency of sexual activity
• Initiation and rejection
• Preferred forms of foreplay
• Fantasies and boundaries
• Sexual health concerns
• Impact of life changes (e.g., children, menopause) on sexuality

Approach these conversations with mutual respect, empathy, and a desire to please your spouse. Be willing to listen without judgment and to compromise when preferences differ. Regular check-ins about your sex life can prevent issues from festering and help you grow in intimacy over time.

7. A Christ-centered marriage requires ongoing repentance and forgiveness

"Couples don't fall out of love so much as they fall out of repentance."

Continuous growth. No marriage is perfect because no person is perfect. A thriving marriage requires both spouses to continually humble themselves, admit faults, and extend forgiveness. This reflects Christ's ongoing work of sanctification in our lives.

Practical steps:

1. Regularly examine your own heart and actions
2. Quickly admit when you've wronged your spouse
3. Apologize sincerely and make amends
4. Extend forgiveness freely, as Christ forgave you
5. Avoid keeping score of past wrongs
6. Seek accountability from trusted friends or mentors

By cultivating a culture of repentance and forgiveness, couples create an atmosphere of grace in their home. This allows both spouses to grow, take risks, and be vulnerable with each other. Remember that forgiveness doesn't always mean instant trust; rebuilding trust after significant breaches may take time and consistent changed behavior.

8. Reverse-engineer your marriage by envisioning your desired future

"To finish well on the last day of your marriage, it is not enough to simply have passion and principles. You also need a plan."

Intentional planning. Many couples focus intensely on their wedding day but fail to plan for the decades that follow. Reverse-engineering involves starting with your desired end goal and working backward to create actionable steps.

Key areas to envision and plan:

• Spiritual growth (individual and as a couple)
• Financial goals and stewardship
• Family size and parenting philosophy
• Career and ministry aspirations
• Retirement and legacy
• Physical and emotional health
• Ongoing education and personal development

Set aside dedicated time to dream together about your future. Create specific, measurable goals with timelines. Regularly review and adjust your plans as life circumstances change. By aligning your daily choices with your long-term vision, you increase the likelihood of building a thriving, purpose-driven marriage that finishes well.

Last updated: November 25, 2024