Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

1. Narcissistic abuse is a covert form of emotional manipulation

Narcissists will not let go of you until they have gotten every bit of narcissistic supply from you. Once you have nothing left to give, they move on to their next victim.

Covert manipulation. Narcissistic abuse is often subtle and difficult to detect. It involves emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and constant devaluation of the victim. The abuser creates a false reality where the victim doubts their own perceptions and feelings.

Narcissistic supply. Narcissists rely on others for validation, attention, and admiration. They view people as objects to be used for their own gain. When a victim no longer provides the desired supply, the narcissist discards them without remorse.

Cycle of abuse. The narcissistic abuse cycle typically involves:

• Love bombing: Showering the victim with attention and affection
• Devaluation: Gradually eroding the victim's self-esteem through criticism and manipulation
• Discarding: Abandoning the victim when they no longer serve a purpose
• Hoovering: Attempting to draw the victim back in for more supply

2. Recognize the traits of narcissists and their victims

Narcissists do not pick unexceptional people. It offends their sense of self as special and unique. The fact that you were selected means there is something exceptional about you and they highly value it.

Narcissistic traits. Common characteristics of narcissists include:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success or power
• Belief in their own uniqueness
• Need for excessive admiration
• Sense of entitlement
• Interpersonal exploitation
• Lack of empathy
• Envy of others
• Arrogant behaviors or attitudes

Victim profile. Narcissists often target individuals who are:

• Empathetic and compassionate
• High-achieving or talented
• Codependent or people-pleasers
• Sensitive to criticism
• Struggling with self-esteem issues

These traits make victims more susceptible to manipulation and more likely to tolerate abusive behavior.

3. Understanding the cycle of narcissistic abuse

To give you an example of cognitive dissonance, I came home from work early one day and opened the front door to find X running to the top of the stairs in our split-level home in a panic. He was butt naked and said that he thought I was his friend, Carl.

Cognitive dissonance. Victims of narcissistic abuse often experience cognitive dissonance, a state of mental conflict resulting from inconsistent beliefs and attitudes. This occurs when the abuser's actions contradict their words or the victim's perception of the relationship.

Gaslighting. Narcissists use gaslighting to make victims question their own reality. They deny events, twist facts, and blame the victim for their own abusive behavior. This creates confusion and self-doubt in the victim.

Trauma bonding. The cycle of abuse creates a trauma bond between the victim and abuser. This emotional attachment makes it difficult for victims to leave the relationship, even when they recognize the abuse.

4. Overcoming self-blame and cognitive dissonance

It is now time to validate myself.

Self-validation. Victims of narcissistic abuse often blame themselves for the abuser's behavior. Overcoming this self-blame is crucial for healing. Recognize that the abuse is not your fault and that you deserve respect and kindness.

Recognizing manipulation. Learn to identify manipulative tactics such as gaslighting, love bombing, and projection. Understanding these techniques can help you break free from the narcissist's influence.

Trusting your intuition. Narcissistic abuse often causes victims to doubt their own perceptions. Practice trusting your gut feelings and honoring your own experiences, even when others try to invalidate them.

5. Protecting yourself from narcissistic abuse

Be careful about giving out the following information to someone you just met as these tidbits are what a potential narcissist will use to abuse and manipulate you later in the development of the relationship: your insecurities and secrets (which is a akin to a weapon of mass destruction in the narcissist's smirking eyes), your strengths and accomplishments (which will be turned into perceived flaws), confessions of any wrongdoing (which they will use against you at a later time) and your hopes and dreams (which will be decimated, destroyed or eaten away at bit by bit).

Setting boundaries. Establish and maintain clear boundaries with others. Learn to say "no" and prioritize your own needs and well-being.

Limited information. Be cautious about sharing personal information, especially with new acquaintances. Narcissists can use this information to manipulate and control you later.

Trust your instincts. Pay attention to red flags in relationships, such as:

• Excessive charm or love bombing early on
• Lack of empathy or concern for others
• Constant need for admiration
• Inability to take responsibility for mistakes
• Frequent lies or inconsistencies in their stories

6. The rise of narcissism in modern society

American culture, in general, is becoming more and more narcissistic as the age of selfies and catfishes on social media teaches our younger generation about how to create a false image to the world and reinforces the "importance" of maintaining that false image of perfection with measures like Facebook likes, number of Twitter followers, and number of website hits.

Cultural shift. Modern society, particularly in Western cultures, has seen an increase in narcissistic traits. This is partly due to:

• Social media and the emphasis on self-promotion
• Individualistic values over collective well-being
• Celebrity culture and the pursuit of fame
• Parenting styles that overvalue children's uniqueness

Societal impact. The rise of narcissism affects various aspects of society, including:

• Interpersonal relationships
• Workplace dynamics
• Political leadership
• Mental health trends

Awareness and prevention. Recognizing this trend can help individuals and communities:

• Promote empathy and emotional intelligence
• Encourage authentic self-expression over curated online personas
• Value substance and character over superficial achievements

7. Healing and moving on from narcissistic relationships

I wrote a song called "Movin' On" before I separated from X. I thought the song was about having to say goodbye to a co-worker I once had but subconsciously, the song was written about X and about my desire to move on from him.

Self-discovery. Healing from narcissistic abuse involves reconnecting with your authentic self. Explore your passions, values, and goals that may have been suppressed during the relationship.

Therapy and support. Seek professional help from therapists experienced in narcissistic abuse recovery. Consider support groups to connect with others who have had similar experiences.

No-contact rule. Implement a no-contact or limited-contact policy with the narcissist and their enablers. This helps break the cycle of abuse and allows space for healing.

Self-care practices:

• Practice mindfulness and meditation
• Engage in regular exercise
• Pursue hobbies and creative outlets
• Build a support network of trusted friends and family

8. Compassion for the narcissist and co-conspirators

Narcissists are very empty people. They have no sense of self. They rely on other people to act as mirrors for them.

Understanding without excusing. While it's important to protect yourself, understanding the narcissist's psychological makeup can help you process the experience. Narcissists often develop their traits as a coping mechanism for childhood trauma or neglect.

Compassion from a distance. You can have compassion for the narcissist's inner wounds without allowing them to continue abusing you. Maintain healthy boundaries while recognizing their humanity.

Co-conspirators and enablers. People in the narcissist's life may unknowingly enable their behavior. These individuals might be:

• Family members who normalize the narcissist's actions
• Friends who believe the narcissist's false persona
• Colleagues who are charmed by the narcissist's charisma

Understand that these people may also be victims of manipulation, but prioritize your own healing and safety.

Last updated: August 9, 2024