Saving Grace

1. Grace: The Unmerited Favor That Makes Coexistence Possible

Grace is what makes human coexistence possible.

Grace defined. Grace is unmerited favor, a concept that goes against our instincts to seek revenge or shame those who have acted immorally. It's the ability to see the divinity in every person, regardless of their actions or beliefs. Grace allows us to stumble, fall, get back up, and try again. It welcomes us back after we've failed others or ourselves.

Grace in practice. Practicing grace doesn't mean abandoning principles or becoming a doormat. Instead, it provides a world of options that don't include abandoning our values or acquiescing to harmful behavior. Grace helps us navigate differences while honoring the humanity of others and ourselves. It creates space for reconciliation, but not without repentance and repair from those who have caused harm.

Benefits of grace. Grace is liberating for both the giver and receiver. It protects our energy, allowing us to focus on more beneficial actions than furiously typing mean tweets or raging at family members with problematic views. By practicing grace, we can maintain our passionate beliefs while creating space for nuance and understanding.

2. Dualistic Thinking: The Barrier to Grace and Understanding

Too many of us have come to despise each other, at least in the abstract.

The problem with binary thinking. Our brains have a cognitive bias toward binary thinking, which serves as a mental shortcut when quick decisions are needed. However, this tendency can obscure more nuanced options in non-urgent situations. Dualistic thinking sets us against one another and creates toxic levels of conflict.

Impact on society. This binary worldview is reinforced by major institutions in the United States, such as the two-party political system and certain religious teachings. It leads us to denounce people who disagree with us on political, ideological, or religious issues, assuming they could only hold differing views because they are stupid, weak, craven, misinformed, selfish, or even evil.

Overcoming dualism. To practice grace, we need to unlearn many of our ingrained ways of being that fuel toxic levels of "ungrace" in our culture. This involves recognizing the complexity of issues and people, avoiding the temptation to sort everything into "good" and "bad" categories, and being open to nuanced perspectives.

3. Overcoming Confirmation Bias: The Path to Intellectual Humility

We make our first judgments rapidly, and we are dreadful at seeking out evidence that might disconfirm those initial judgments.

Understanding confirmation bias. Our brains are instinctually drawn to arguments that buttress our beliefs, a phenomenon known as confirmation bias. This tendency makes it difficult for us to consider alternative viewpoints or admit when we might be wrong.

Developing intellectual humility. Intellectual humility, defined as "the recognition that the things you believe in might in fact be wrong," is crucial for overcoming confirmation bias. This requires actively pausing to ask ourselves, "Am I missing something here?" or "Is it possible that my view is not the only way to see this situation?"

Benefits of humility. Embracing intellectual humility can lead to personal growth and better understanding of complex issues. It allows us to engage in more productive conversations with those who hold different views and helps create a culture of learning and openness rather than rigid certainty.

4. The Perception Gap: How We Misunderstand Our Political Opponents

Democrats and Republicans imagine that almost twice as many people on the other side hold extreme views than really do.

The reality of political views. Studies have shown that the information we rely on to fuel our hatred of the other side often isn't an accurate representation of what they believe. There is a huge "perception gap" among partisans, creating a deeply distorted understanding between people in opposing political camps.

Examples of misperception:

• Americans believe that 32% of Democrats are LGBT when in fact it's 6%
• They believe that 38% of Republicans earn over $250,000 per year when it's actually 2%
• Democrats estimated that about half of Republicans believe "properly controlled immigration can be good for America." In reality, 85% of Republicans agreed with this idea

Bridging the gap. To overcome these misperceptions, it's crucial to engage with real people from different political backgrounds rather than relying solely on media portrayals. Personal interactions can help decrease hostility and increase understanding between those with opposing views.

5. Trauma's Impact: How Unhealed Wounds Hinder Grace

Grace requires an emotional and psychological capacity that trauma takes away from us.

Understanding trauma's effects. Trauma can create a binary worldview where everything is seen in black and white. This makes it difficult for individuals to offer grace to others or even themselves. Unprocessed trauma can lead to a narrower window of tolerance, causing people to react strongly to lower levels of perceived threat.

Recognizing trauma. Trauma isn't limited to obvious catastrophic events. It can result from experiences like having a narcissistic parent, growing up in a controlling religious environment, or being constantly exposed to systemic racism. Recognizing these sources of trauma is the first step toward healing.

Healing and integration. Integrating trauma involves processing painful experiences with the help of supportive individuals or professionals. When trauma is integrated, a person's nervous system is no longer on high alert, allowing them to respond to situations with more grace and empathy.

6. Boundaries: Essential Tools for Practicing Grace

Boundaries create a buffer between us and the behavior and beliefs of other people.

The importance of boundaries. Boundaries help us navigate the world in an emotionally grounded and productive manner. They protect our energy, emotional health, and even physical well-being. When we use boundaries, we do not give away our power to other people to hijack our day, week, or month with their behavior.

Setting effective boundaries:

• Decide what you are a "no" to (e.g., contempt, cruelty, disrespect, shaming)
• Communicate your boundaries clearly
• Enforce your boundaries consistently
• Recognize that boundaries are about protecting yourself, not controlling others

Benefits of boundaries. By setting clear boundaries, we can engage with difficult people or situations without becoming emotionally entangled. This allows us to maintain our own well-being while still showing grace to others, even when we disagree with their actions or beliefs.

7. The Power of Personal Stories in Changing Minds

What changes people's minds, it turns out, are usually not facts or shaming but the sharing of personal stories.

The limitations of facts and shame. While we often believe that presenting facts or shaming others will change their minds, research shows that these approaches are often ineffective and can even cause people to become more entrenched in their views.

The effectiveness of personal stories. Studies have found that nonjudgmentally exchanging personal stories can lead to durable changes in people's exclusionary (prejudiced) beliefs. This approach allows people to connect on a human level and see issues from a different perspective.

Implementing storytelling:

• Share relevant personal experiences rather than relying solely on statistics or abstract arguments
• Listen nonjudgmentally to others' stories and perspectives
• Use storytelling to create empathy and understanding, even when disagreements persist

8. Repentance and Accountability: Necessary Components of Grace

Grace does not bypass accountability. Grace without repentance and accountability is called "enabling."

The importance of accountability. While grace creates space for repentance, repair, and reconciliation, it doesn't mean ignoring harmful actions or bypassing the need for accountability. True grace involves holding people responsible for their actions while still recognizing their inherent worth and potential for change.

Steps in the repentance process:

1. Acknowledge the harm caused
2. Begin the work of transformation (e.g., therapy, education, changing harmful behaviors)
3. Make amends or provide restitution
4. Offer a sincere apology
5. Demonstrate changed behavior when faced with similar situations

Balancing grace and accountability. Creating a culture of repentance involves normalizing the idea that people who have made mistakes deserve another chance, while still holding them accountable for their actions. This approach focuses on restoring and transforming our culture rather than seeking retribution.

9. Healthy Conflict: The Art of Peacemaking

Healthy conflict is what I think Jesus is talking about when in the Sermon on the Mount, he tells the crowd, "Blessed are the peacemakers."

Understanding healthy conflict. Healthy conflict is not about avoiding disagreement or suppressing differing opinions. Instead, it's about engaging in respectful dialogue that leads to better understanding and, potentially, positive change. It's the difference between being a peacekeeper (avoiding conflict) and a peacemaker (addressing the root causes of division).

Principles of healthy conflict:

• Focus on understanding, not winning
• Use personal stories to illustrate points
• Show curiosity about others' perspectives
• Avoid name-calling, labeling, and shaming
• Set clear boundaries for respectful engagement

Benefits of healthy conflict. When done properly, conflict can lead to greater intimacy in relationships, better solutions to problems, and personal growth. It allows for the exploration of differing viewpoints while maintaining respect for all parties involved.

10. Grace as a Personal and Societal Transformation Tool

Grace is good for the world, but it's also really, really good for you.

Personal benefits of grace. Practicing grace can lead to reduced stress, improved relationships, and greater emotional well-being. It allows us to let go of the burden of constant judgment and resentment, creating space for personal growth and healing.

Societal impact of grace. On a larger scale, embracing grace can help bridge divides in our increasingly polarized society. It creates opportunities for dialogue, understanding, and reconciliation between groups with differing beliefs and experiences.

Grace as a catalyst for change. By rejecting the revenge, aggression, domination, and retaliation that are hallmarks of our culture and responding with grace, we can bring peace into the world and our hearts. Grace points us to the possibilities in people and in our country, helping us envision and work towards a more just and compassionate society.

Last updated: April 23, 2025