Say the Right Thing

1. Conversational Traps: Avoid, Deflect, Deny, Attack (ADDA)

If you learn to reduce your reliance on A.D.D.A., you’ll already be well on your way to having better conversations.

Common Reactions. When faced with challenging identity conversations, people often resort to four defensive mechanisms: Avoidance (silence, changing the subject), Deflection (shifting focus to tone or other groups), Denial (dismissing the other person's experience), and Attack (personal affronts). These reactions are normal but unproductive.

Examples of ADDA:

• Avoid: Walking out of a conversation, staying silent, or saying something "nice" rather than true.
• Deflect: Tone policing, switching the topic to another group, or highlighting your own progressive credentials.
• Deny: Rejecting facts, dismissing the sincerity of feelings, or calling someone "oversensitive."
• Attack: Insulting, using sarcasm, or engaging in passive-aggressive behavior.

Reflexive vs. Reflective. These behaviors are often reflexive, stemming from discomfort. The goal is to move towards a reflective approach, pausing before reacting to engage more thoughtfully. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to changing them.

2. Resilience: Growth Mindset, Self-Affirmation, Right-Sizing

If you insist you’re a good person, you’re likely to react with overwhelming discomfort when you make a mistake that would reveal your imperfections.

Emotional Grounding. Identity conversations trigger strong emotions. Building resilience is crucial for navigating these dialogues effectively. This involves adopting a growth mindset, self-affirming, and right-sizing feedback.

Strategies for Resilience:

• Growth Mindset: View mistakes as learning opportunities, not judgments of character. Add "yet" to negative self-talk (e.g., "I'm not good at this, yet").
• Self-Affirmation: Remind yourself of your values, relationships, and accomplishments to stabilize your sense of self.
• Right-Sizing Feedback: Interpret feedback accurately, remembering that claims about privilege or bias are often not as extreme or personal as they seem.

Comfort vs. Complicity. Discomfort in these conversations is often a sign of growth. It's important to recognize that discomfort is being "democratized," shifting the burden from marginalized groups to everyone.

3. Curiosity: Knowledge, Learning Posture, Skepticism Check

If we have to live it, the least you can do is Google it.

Knowledge Gaps. People with more privilege often lack knowledge about the experiences of marginalized groups. Cultivating curiosity involves increasing your knowledge, adopting a learning posture, and checking your skepticism.

Strategies for Curiosity:

• Increase Knowledge: Research issues through books, articles, podcasts, and documentaries. Be wary of biased sources.
• Learning Posture: Enter conversations with humility, acknowledging your limitations. Listen generously and share your views tentatively.
• Skepticism Check: Interrupt the "running commentary of skepticism" by questioning your gut reactions and considering the other person's perspective.

Beyond Google. While research is important, be mindful of not overburdening marginalized people with requests to educate you. Instead, seek their perspectives on topics you've already begun to educate yourself on.

4. Disagreement: Controversy Scale, Common Ground, Show Work

Staying on topic is the least you can do.

Navigating Differences. Disagreements are inevitable in identity conversations. To disagree respectfully, locate the conversation on the controversy scale, find uncommon commonalities, and show your work.

Strategies for Disagreement:

• Controversy Scale: Recognize that some issues are more sensitive than others. Acknowledge when a topic is deeply personal for your conversation partner.
• Common Ground: Find points of agreement that are not matters of widespread agreement. Use "Thank you, because..." to acknowledge their contributions.
• Show Your Work: Share your reasoning in detail, demonstrating that you've thought carefully about the subject.

Traffic Light Analogy. Disagreements can be "green" (acceptable to disagree), "red" (unacceptable to disagree), or "yellow" (contested). Exercise greater caution in "yellow" situations.

5. Apology: Recognition, Responsibility, Remorse, Redress

‘I’m sorry’ are the two most healing words in the English language.

Authentic Amends. When you cause harm, an authentic apology is essential. It involves four key elements: recognition, responsibility, remorse, and redress.

The Four Rs of Apology:

• Recognition: Acknowledge the harm without using "ifpologies" (e.g., "I'm sorry if I offended you").
• Responsibility: Accept your role in causing the harm without using "butpologies" (e.g., "I'm sorry, but I didn't mean it").
• Remorse: Express genuine contrition, avoiding both underdoing and overdoing it.
• Redress: Take tangible steps to repair the damage, not just offering empty words.

Beyond Words. An apology is a dialogue, not a monologue. It's a process of collaboration between the apologizer and the recipient to chart a path forward.

6. Platinum Rule: Help as They Wish, Not as You Wish

You should be an ally to the source of non-inclusive behavior because someday the source will be you.

Beyond the Golden Rule. The Platinum Rule urges you to help others as they wish to be helped, not as you wish to help them. This requires understanding their needs and preferences.

Champion vs. Assistant. Allies can act as champions (taking the lead) or assistants (supporting others). The choice depends on the situation and the affected person's wishes.

Mind Your Motives. Avoid saviorism, virtue signaling, or cookie-seeking. Focus on intrinsic motivation—doing what's right, not what makes you look good.

Ask for Guidance. When in doubt, ask the affected person if they want help and what kind of help they need. Respect their wishes if they say no.

7. Generosity to the Source: Separate Behavior, Show Learning

I believe that each person is more than the worst thing they’ve ever done.

Beyond Condemnation. Allyship extends to the source of non-inclusive behavior. Be generous, recognizing that sources are often ignorant rather than malicious.

Strategies for Generosity:

• Separate Behavior: Distinguish between what someone does and who they are. Don't assume ill intent from a negative impact.
• Show Learning: Share your own mistakes and growth to create psychological safety.
• Have Responses Ready: Prepare go-to phrases for challenging bias in the moment.

When to Opt Out. You don't need to be an ally to the source if they're a stranger, unreceptive to help, or you're engaged in political activism.

Last updated: January 14, 2025