Key Takeaways
1. Conversational Traps: Avoid, Deflect, Deny, Attack (ADDA)
If you learn to reduce your reliance on A.D.D.A., you’ll already be well on your way to having better conversations.
Common Reactions. When faced with challenging identity conversations, people often resort to four defensive mechanisms: Avoidance (silence, changing the subject), Deflection (shifting focus to tone or other groups), Denial (dismissing the other person's experience), and Attack (personal affronts). These reactions are normal but unproductive.
Examples of ADDA:
- Avoid: Walking out of a conversation, staying silent, or saying something "nice" rather than true.
- Deflect: Tone policing, switching the topic to another group, or highlighting your own progressive credentials.
- Deny: Rejecting facts, dismissing the sincerity of feelings, or calling someone "oversensitive."
- Attack: Insulting, using sarcasm, or engaging in passive-aggressive behavior.
Reflexive vs. Reflective. These behaviors are often reflexive, stemming from discomfort. The goal is to move towards a reflective approach, pausing before reacting to engage more thoughtfully. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to changing them.
2. Resilience: Growth Mindset, Self-Affirmation, Right-Sizing
If you insist you’re a good person, you’re likely to react with overwhelming discomfort when you make a mistake that would reveal your imperfections.
Emotional Grounding. Identity conversations trigger strong emotions. Building resilience is crucial for navigating these dialogues effectively. This involves adopting a growth mindset, self-affirming, and right-sizing feedback.
Strategies for Resilience:
- Growth Mindset: View mistakes as learning opportunities, not judgments of character. Add "yet" to negative self-talk (e.g., "I'm not good at this, yet").
- Self-Affirmation: Remind yourself of your values, relationships, and accomplishments to stabilize your sense of self.
- Right-Sizing Feedback: Interpret feedback accurately, remembering that claims about privilege or bias are often not as extreme or personal as they seem.
Comfort vs. Complicity. Discomfort in these conversations is often a sign of growth. It's important to recognize that discomfort is being "democratized," shifting the burden from marginalized groups to everyone.
3. Curiosity: Knowledge, Learning Posture, Skepticism Check
If we have to live it, the least you can do is Google it.
Knowledge Gaps. People with more privilege often lack knowledge about the experiences of marginalized groups. Cultivating curiosity involves increasing your knowledge, adopting a learning posture, and checking your skepticism.
Strategies for Curiosity:
- Increase Knowledge: Research issues through books, articles, podcasts, and documentaries. Be wary of biased sources.
- Learning Posture: Enter conversations with humility, acknowledging your limitations. Listen generously and share your views tentatively.
- Skepticism Check: Interrupt the "running commentary of skepticism" by questioning your gut reactions and considering the other person's perspective.
Beyond Google. While research is important, be mindful of not overburdening marginalized people with requests to educate you. Instead, seek their perspectives on topics you've already begun to educate yourself on.
4. Disagreement: Controversy Scale, Common Ground, Show Work
Staying on topic is the least you can do.
Navigating Differences. Disagreements are inevitable in identity conversations. To disagree respectfully, locate the conversation on the controversy scale, find uncommon commonalities, and show your work.
Strategies for Disagreement:
- Controversy Scale: Recognize that some issues are more sensitive than others. Acknowledge when a topic is deeply personal for your conversation partner.
- Common Ground: Find points of agreement that are not matters of widespread agreement. Use "Thank you, because..." to acknowledge their contributions.
- Show Your Work: Share your reasoning in detail, demonstrating that you've thought carefully about the subject.
Traffic Light Analogy. Disagreements can be "green" (acceptable to disagree), "red" (unacceptable to disagree), or "yellow" (contested). Exercise greater caution in "yellow" situations.
5. Apology: Recognition, Responsibility, Remorse, Redress
‘I’m sorry’ are the two most healing words in the English language.
Authentic Amends. When you cause harm, an authentic apology is essential. It involves four key elements: recognition, responsibility, remorse, and redress.
The Four Rs of Apology:
- Recognition: Acknowledge the harm without using "ifpologies" (e.g., "I'm sorry if I offended you").
- Responsibility: Accept your role in causing the harm without using "butpologies" (e.g., "I'm sorry, but I didn't mean it").
- Remorse: Express genuine contrition, avoiding both underdoing and overdoing it.
- Redress: Take tangible steps to repair the damage, not just offering empty words.
Beyond Words. An apology is a dialogue, not a monologue. It's a process of collaboration between the apologizer and the recipient to chart a path forward.
6. Platinum Rule: Help as They Wish, Not as You Wish
You should be an ally to the source of non-inclusive behavior because someday the source will be you.
Beyond the Golden Rule. The Platinum Rule urges you to help others as they wish to be helped, not as you wish to help them. This requires understanding their needs and preferences.
Champion vs. Assistant. Allies can act as champions (taking the lead) or assistants (supporting others). The choice depends on the situation and the affected person's wishes.
Mind Your Motives. Avoid saviorism, virtue signaling, or cookie-seeking. Focus on intrinsic motivation—doing what's right, not what makes you look good.
Ask for Guidance. When in doubt, ask the affected person if they want help and what kind of help they need. Respect their wishes if they say no.
7. Generosity to the Source: Separate Behavior, Show Learning
I believe that each person is more than the worst thing they’ve ever done.
Beyond Condemnation. Allyship extends to the source of non-inclusive behavior. Be generous, recognizing that sources are often ignorant rather than malicious.
Strategies for Generosity:
- Separate Behavior: Distinguish between what someone does and who they are. Don't assume ill intent from a negative impact.
- Show Learning: Share your own mistakes and growth to create psychological safety.
- Have Responses Ready: Prepare go-to phrases for challenging bias in the moment.
When to Opt Out. You don't need to be an ally to the source if they're a stranger, unreceptive to help, or you're engaged in political activism.
Last updated:
FAQ
What's "Say the Right Thing" about?
- Focus on Conversations: "Say the Right Thing" by Kenji Yoshino and David Glasgow is about improving conversations around identity, diversity, and justice. It provides strategies to navigate these often challenging discussions.
- Personal and Professional Insights: The authors draw from their experiences as gay men and legal professionals to offer practical advice on how to engage in meaningful dialogue.
- Seven Principles: The book is structured around seven principles designed to help individuals communicate more effectively and empathetically across differences.
- Goal of Inclusion: Ultimately, the book aims to foster a more inclusive society by equipping readers with the tools to handle identity conversations with care and respect.
Why should I read "Say the Right Thing"?
- Practical Guidance: The book offers actionable strategies for having difficult conversations about identity, which are increasingly relevant in today's diverse world.
- Personal Growth: It encourages readers to develop a growth mindset, helping them learn from mistakes and improve their communication skills.
- Empathy and Understanding: By focusing on empathy and understanding, the book helps readers become better allies to marginalized groups.
- Broader Impact: Reading this book can contribute to creating more inclusive environments in personal, professional, and community settings.
What are the key takeaways of "Say the Right Thing"?
- Conversational Traps: Avoid the four conversational traps: avoid, deflect, deny, and attack, which hinder productive dialogue.
- Emotional Resilience: Build resilience to manage the emotional discomfort that often accompanies identity conversations.
- Curiosity and Learning: Cultivate curiosity and adopt a learning posture to better understand others' perspectives.
- Respectful Disagreement: Learn to disagree respectfully, recognizing the complexity and sensitivity of identity issues.
How do the authors define "identity conversations"?
- Complex Interactions: Identity conversations are complex interactions that involve discussing social identities, diversity, and justice.
- Personal and Professional: These conversations occur in both personal and professional settings and can be challenging due to differing perspectives.
- Emotional Reactions: They often trigger strong emotional reactions, making it essential to approach them with care and empathy.
- Inescapable and Necessary: The authors argue that these conversations are inescapable and necessary for fostering inclusion and understanding.
What are the "Four Conversational Traps" in "Say the Right Thing"?
- Avoid: This involves physically or emotionally withdrawing from the conversation, which can leave the other person feeling unheard.
- Deflect: Shifting the focus away from the issue at hand, often by changing the subject or focusing on one's own intentions.
- Deny: Dismissing the other person's perspective or feelings, which can invalidate their experience and escalate tensions.
- Attack: Responding with aggression or defensiveness, which can shut down dialogue and damage relationships.
How can I build resilience according to "Say the Right Thing"?
- Growth Mindset: Adopt a growth mindset by viewing mistakes as opportunities to learn rather than as judgments of character.
- Self-Affirmation: Use self-affirmation techniques to stabilize your sense of self before entering challenging conversations.
- Right-Size Feedback: Ensure that feedback is perceived accurately, without exaggerating its implications for your character.
- Seek Support: Use "ring theory" to find appropriate support, directing your emotional responses outward rather than burdening the affected person.
What is the "Platinum Rule" in "Say the Right Thing"?
- Beyond the Golden Rule: The Platinum Rule advises helping others as they wish to be helped, rather than as you would want to be helped.
- Empathy and Understanding: It emphasizes understanding the preferences and needs of the person you're trying to support.
- Champion/Assistant Dilemma: The rule helps navigate the tension between taking charge and stepping back to let affected people lead.
- Systemic Solutions: Encourages considering systemic solutions that align with the affected person's preferences and needs.
How do the authors suggest handling disagreements in "Say the Right Thing"?
- Controversy Scale: Use the controversy scale to locate the conversation's sensitivity, acknowledging how personal the issue may be for the other person.
- Uncommon Commonalities: Find uncommon commonalities to build bridges and reduce tension during disagreements.
- Show Your Work: Clearly articulate your reasoning to demonstrate that you've thought carefully about the subject.
- Manage Expectations: Scale your emotional investment in the disagreement to the intensity of the relationship and the societal context.
What is the role of "intent" in apologies according to "Say the Right Thing"?
- Impact Over Intent: While intent matters, the impact of your actions is more critical in apologies, as it reflects the harm caused.
- Avoid Butpologies: Avoid using intent as an excuse to deflect responsibility, which can undermine the sincerity of your apology.
- Contextual Understanding: Share your intentions to provide context, but focus on acknowledging the harm and taking responsibility.
- Growth Mindset: Use the opportunity to learn from the mistake and commit to doing better in the future.
How can I be an ally to the source of non-inclusive behavior?
- Separate Behavior from Person: Distinguish between the person's actions and their character to avoid shaming and encourage growth.
- Show You're Learning Too: Share your own learning experiences to create a sense of psychological safety and mutual growth.
- Have Responses Ready: Prepare authentic responses to address non-inclusive behavior effectively and constructively.
- Opt-Out Situations: Recognize when it's appropriate to opt out of being an ally, such as when the source is unreceptive or the context is political activism.
What are some of the best quotes from "Say the Right Thing" and what do they mean?
- "The liberation is in the details." This quote emphasizes the importance of specificity in apologies, acknowledging the exact nature of the harm caused.
- "You should be an ally to the source of non-inclusive behavior because someday the source will be you." It highlights the rotating nature of allyship and the importance of empathy and understanding for those who make mistakes.
- "Practice, practice, practice." This quote underscores the need for continuous effort and learning in mastering identity conversations, much like learning a new language.
- "Compassion and accountability go hand in hand." It suggests that being kind to oneself and others can lead to greater responsibility and growth in addressing biases.
What is the significance of "systemic solutions" in "Say the Right Thing"?
- Bias is Sticky: Systemic solutions address the persistent nature of bias, which can resurface when attention wanes.
- Design Fixes: Implementing design fixes, like structured interviews or call lists, can help reduce bias and create more inclusive environments.
- Amplifying Impact: Well-designed systems can amplify positive outcomes and help people at scale, while poorly designed ones can spread harm.
- Continuous Improvement: Systemic solutions require ongoing evaluation and adjustment to ensure they work as intended and address the needs of affected people.
Review Summary
Say the Right Thing receives high praise for its practical guidance on having difficult conversations about diversity and inclusion. Readers appreciate its compassionate approach, real-world examples, and emphasis on growth mindset. The book offers strategies for being an effective ally, addressing mistakes, and fostering understanding. Many reviewers found it immediately applicable and valuable for both personal and professional settings. While some felt it was introductory, most considered it a must-read for anyone seeking to improve their communication skills and promote inclusivity.
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