Seek

1. Curiosity is a fundamental human superpower for survival, learning, and connection.

As far back as African hominids two million years ago, curiosity has been the tool that has assisted us with staying alive.

An evolutionary advantage. Curiosity is deeply encoded in our brains, linked to dopamine and the reward system, motivating exploration and information-seeking crucial for survival. Our ancestors who ventured out found new resources, making curiosity a competitive advantage passed down through generations. This innate drive is present from birth, as seen in infant behavior.

Engine for learning. Beyond survival, curiosity powers lifelong learning. It drives language acquisition in children and fuels innovation, creativity, and problem-solving in adults across all professions. Research shows curiosity increases with age, challenging the myth that it's just for kids, and is vital for adapting and thriving in a complex world.

Three cardinal directions. Curiosity can be directed in three ways:

• Inward: Understanding ourselves (emotions, values, past).
• Outward: Exploring others and the world (people, nature, systems).
• Beyond: Seeking greater meaning (spirituality, consciousness, legacy).
  Cultivating curiosity in all directions enriches our lives and relationships.

2. Move beyond shallow information gathering to cultivate deep, transformative curiosity.

That’s why I define deep curiosity as “a search for understanding that leads to connection and transformation.”

Shallow vs. Deep. Standard, "shallow" curiosity focuses on extracting information (e.g., "What's your job?"). While useful for daily life, it often stays on the surface. "Deep" curiosity dives beneath, seeking understanding that fosters meaningful connection and personal transformation. It's not just intellectual but stirs the heart and spirit.

A spectrum of engagement. Curiosity exists on a spectrum, from shallow wading to deep diving. Shallow curiosity can be a safe entry point, but venturing deeper unlocks a world of possibilities. The goal isn't to eliminate shallow curiosity but to complement it with depth, moving fluidly between them even within a single interaction.

Loving and living questions. Deep curiosity requires "loving" questions with genuine enthusiasm and "living" them by immersing ourselves in the exploration. It's a practice of presence, not persuasion, seeking to understand rather than change others. Predatory curiosity, driven by ulterior motives or judgment, sours the experience and hinders true connection.

3. Recognize and navigate the speed bumps that hinder deep curiosity: Fear, Trauma, Time, and Distance.

Underneath all the rejection was a primal emotion we all have within us: fear.

Fear's many flavors. Fear is a natural self-protective mechanism, but it often emerges when there's no real threat, confusing discomfort with danger. Common fears include:

• Rejection, pain, and failure
• Conflict and the unknown
• Change
  Recognizing fear as a signal allows us to proceed with caution, not paralysis, using it as a cue for growth.

Trauma's lasting impact. Trauma, stored in the nervous system, triggers flight, fight, or freeze responses that kill curiosity. It shrinks brain areas associated with curiosity and makes deep exploration challenging. Addressing trauma requires professional support and prioritizing safety before attempting deep curiosity.

Time and Distance barriers. The "time famine" from overwork and digital distractions leaves little capacity for cognitively expensive deep curiosity. Systemic issues contribute to this, requiring both individual mindfulness and institutional change. Physical and social distance, often due to segregation, limits opportunities to interact with diverse people, breeding incuriosity and stereotypes.

4. Detach from your assumptions, biases, and certainty (ABCs) to make space for new understanding.

We won’t get to the heart of understanding if we can’t let go of our assumptions, biases, and desire for certainty.

The "full cup" problem. Our minds are filled with ABCs – assumptions, biases, and certainty – mental shortcuts that filter information but leave little room for new perspectives. Detaching means gradually loosening our grip on these ingrained beliefs to absorb new information and nuance.

Pressure-testing assumptions. Assumptions are beliefs without proof. We can challenge them by:

• Collecting evidence through direct interaction (Back That Ass Up).
• Questioning our "mind reading" about others' perceptions (Leave the 'Mind Reading' to Professor X).
• Considering opposite views or researching counter-narratives.
  This reduces false conclusions and makes space for clarity.

Combating biases and certainty. Biases are automatic judgments, often unconscious. The "Garden Salad Effect" helps by seeing individuals beyond group stereotypes or finding shared identities. Certainty, the illusion of knowing, impedes curiosity and growth. Becoming an "admitter" – acknowledging when we're wrong or don't know – fosters intellectual humility, improves relationships, and opens doors to learning.

5. Intend to cultivate a curious mindset and setting before embarking on exploration.

Deep curiosity happens because you intend for it to happen, which means you choose to actively make space for it in your life.

Stretching toward exploration. Intention means being deliberate about bringing curiosity into our lives, actively choosing it daily. Like stretching before exercise, preparation is key for a safer, more flexible curiosity practice. It helps manage nerves and sets conditions for success.

Mindset matters. Cultivating the right attitude is crucial. We can prepare our mindset by:

• Hacking our Reticular Activating System (RAS) to focus on curiosity cues (Call In Your Brain's Bouncer).
• Creating a list of powerful, open-ended questions to guide interactions (Create a Powerful Questions List).
• Mentally rehearsing curious encounters through visualization (Visualize Yourself Being Curious).
  This brings curiosity to the forefront of our conscious awareness.

Setting the stage. The environment and context significantly impact curiosity. We can prepare the setting by:

• Using objects to spark reflection and conversation (Reclaim Your Cabinet of Curiosity).
• Establishing shared agreements for interaction (Make Curiosity Commitments).
• Identifying situations or environments that encourage exploration and growth (Catch a Curiosity Wave).
  Being intentional about setting creates a safe and productive container for deep curiosity.

6. Value the inherent dignity of every person, including yourself, as a foundation for connection.

To value is to see the inherent and ineffable dignity of all people, including yourself.

Devaluation breeds incuriosity. Dehumanization, stripping others of their inherent worth, is the root of oppression and prevents deep curiosity. Subtle acts of devaluing damage relationships and society. Valuing means acknowledging the full, complex humanity of every person, regardless of their actions or our feelings about them.

Value yourself first. Valuing others starts with valuing all parts of ourselves, even the messy or imperfect ones. Ignoring or suppressing disliked aspects hinders self-curiosity and leads to judgment. Practices like conversing with inner voices and taking a brave pause to express needs build self-worth and open us to curiosity.

Value others fully. We often devalue others by reducing them to a single trait or belief, especially across differences like politics. Valuing means seeing them as whole people with diverse experiences. This doesn't mean agreeing with or endorsing harmful views, but recognizing their humanity. Turning toward others' "bids for attention" affirms their value and strengthens connections (Turn Toward and Not Away). Getting your role right in conversations with power imbalances ensures everyone's perspective is valued (Get Your Role Right).

7. Embrace life's challenges and discomfort as opportunities for growth and deeper curiosity.

When we’re going through the hardest parts of our lives, it’s easy for us to close ourselves off from deep curiosity.

Navigating fire seasons. Life inevitably brings difficult moments – loss, change, conflict. These "fire seasons" are painful and destabilizing, often leading us to close off from curiosity. Embracing these moments means choosing to sit with and look at the hard things, recognizing that destruction can pave the way for new paths.

Get grounded. When overwhelmed, our instinct is to flail or freeze. Grounding techniques help us feel stable and present:

• "Quicksanding": Slowing down by focusing on the body and deliberate, gentle movement.
• Mindful breathing and sensory awareness.
  Slowing down lowers stress, increases clarity, and prevents us from sinking deeper into overwhelm.

Cultivate courage. Embracing challenges requires courage – the inner strength to move toward the unknown or uncomfortable. We can cultivate courage by:

• Writing "vows of courage" to ourselves, making commitments for self-support during hard times.
• Becoming a "courage doula": approaching tough moments with compassion and focusing on witnessing and listening rather than fixing, for ourselves and others.
  This allows us to face difficulties with fortitude, opening space for curiosity and transformation.

8. Understand and respect the limits and boundaries of curiosity for safety and well-being.

Deep curiosity will only benefit us if we understand our limits and boundaries.

Limits vs. Boundaries. Limits define what we're capable of, reducing risk. Boundaries are things that keep us safe and comfortable. Ignoring them can lead to panic, overwhelm, or harm for ourselves and others. Knowing when not to dive is as crucial as knowing how to dive.

The Three Questions. Before practicing deep curiosity, ask:

• Am I the right person? Consider safety, relationship dynamics, consent, and whether the situation requires expertise you lack. Not everyone should engage with extreme harm or cross established boundaries.
• Is this the right time? Assess your emotional bandwidth, energy levels, and other priorities. Avoid engaging when intoxicated, sleep-deprived, or in a state of crisis unless it's an emergency.
• Do I know when to stop or slow down? Identify "red lights" (stop entirely, e.g., threats, no progress despite effort) and "yellow lights" (slow down, reassess, e.g., predatory tendencies, brave-zone fear).

Sustainable curiosity. Recognize the opportunity cost of curiosity. The 80/20 rule suggests focusing 80% on yourself and closest relationships, 20% on others, to avoid overload. Self-compassion and grace are vital when we or others fumble, acknowledging that not every curious encounter will be perfectly transformative.

9. Curiosity is contagious and can be spread by embodying and articulating its value.

In other words: Curiosity is contagious.

The Chameleon Effect. Humans naturally mimic the behaviors of those around them due to mirror neurons and social psychology. Surrounding ourselves with curious people makes us more likely to become curious too, creating a virtuous cycle. This applies even to virtual interactions, as shown by studies with social robots.

Start small and close. To spread curiosity, begin with your closest relationships (family, friends, immediate colleagues). Consistent repetition of curious behaviors in these near orbits will naturally influence others. What starts small can ripple outwards to larger groups and communities.

Deliberate spreading strategies. Accelerate the spread by:

• Articulating curiosity as an important value: Declare its importance and live it out loud through actions, not just words (e.g., asking questions, admitting not knowing, using sharing questions).
• Embracing curiosity as an identity: "Come out" as a curious person, pushing back against the culture of knowingness and celebrating humility.
• Bringing curiosity into existing spaces: Infuse curiosity into your workplace, home, school, or online interactions rather than creating entirely new venues.
  By embodying and promoting curiosity, we inspire others to take the dive, fostering connection and transformation on a wider scale.

Last updated: June 23, 2025