Self-Made Man

1. Gender roles shape behavior and perception profoundly

People will literally stand paralyzed for a moment, sometimes in mild, sometimes in utter panic when they don't know what sex you are.

Gender dictates interaction. When Vincent presented as male, she experienced a dramatic shift in how others treated her. People's behavior, language, and expectations changed based solely on her perceived gender. This revealed how deeply ingrained gender roles are in society.

Societal expectations shape identity. Vincent found that as "Ned," she unconsciously adopted stereotypically male behaviors to fit in. This included speaking more assertively, taking up more physical space, and suppressing emotional displays. These changes happened naturally as a response to how others perceived and treated her male persona.

Gender perception affects self-perception. As Vincent moved between male and female presentations, she noticed her own self-image and confidence levels shifting. When perceived as male, she felt a sense of authority and entitlement she hadn't experienced as a woman. This highlighted how external gender expectations can profoundly influence one's internal sense of self.

2. Male privilege comes with hidden burdens and expectations

Seeing this more clearly through my experience, I began to wonder whether the most extreme men resort to violence with women because they think that's all they have, their one pathetic advantage over all she seems to hold above them.

Privilege conceals struggles. While male privilege undoubtedly exists, Vincent discovered that it comes with hidden pressures and expectations. Men are often expected to be emotionally stoic, financially successful, and physically strong, regardless of their individual capabilities or desires.

Societal expectations create stress. Many men Vincent encountered felt immense pressure to be providers and protectors. This burden often led to anxiety, depression, and resentment, especially when they felt unable to meet these expectations.

Violence as last resort. Vincent's experiences led her to hypothesize that some men's violence against women might stem from a sense of powerlessness and frustration with societal expectations, rather than inherent aggression. This doesn't excuse such behavior but offers a new perspective on its potential origins.

3. Emotional repression damages men's relationships and self-worth

I have not seen them cry for a very long time. Perhaps they can't anymore.

Emotional suppression is learned. Vincent observed that many men had been conditioned from childhood to suppress their emotions, particularly vulnerability and sadness. This societal expectation often led to difficulty expressing feelings in adulthood.

Repression hinders intimacy. The inability to express emotions freely created barriers in men's personal relationships. Vincent noted that many men struggled to form deep connections with partners, friends, and even their own children due to this emotional repression.

Self-worth suffers. The constant pressure to maintain a stoic exterior took a toll on men's mental health and self-esteem. Many men in Vincent's study expressed feeling disconnected from their own emotions and struggling with self-worth as a result of this lifelong suppression.

4. Women often underestimate men's vulnerabilities and insecurities

Here was the guy I'd been demonizing, fearing, disliking, and he was taking me in as a son.

Stereotypes blind us. Vincent realized that her preconceptions about men, particularly those involved in the men's movement, had prevented her from seeing their genuine vulnerabilities and struggles.

Men's insecurities surprise women. Throughout her experiment, Vincent was repeatedly struck by the depth of men's insecurities and emotional needs, which often went unrecognized or dismissed by women in their lives.

Empathy breeds understanding. As Vincent spent more time in male spaces and listened to men's stories, she developed a newfound empathy for their experiences. This shift in perspective highlighted the importance of open communication and mutual understanding between genders.

5. Male bonding rituals reveal deep needs for connection and acceptance

These men had been making do all their lives with traditional nods of silent understanding. But that wasn't enough anymore.

Rituals serve a purpose. The men's retreats and bonding activities that initially seemed silly to Vincent revealed themselves as important outlets for emotional expression and connection among men.

Touch is powerful. Vincent observed that physical touch, such as hugging, played a crucial role in these male bonding experiences. Many men craved this physical affirmation but had few socially acceptable outlets for it in their daily lives.

Acceptance is crucial. The sense of belonging and acceptance fostered in these male-only spaces proved deeply meaningful for participants. Many men expressed feeling truly seen and understood for the first time in such environments.

6. Work culture amplifies toxic masculinity and competitiveness

Dating women as a man was a lesson in female power, and it made me, of all things, into a momentary misogynist, which, I suppose was the best indicator that my experiment had worked.

Workplace reinforces stereotypes. In professional settings, Vincent experienced intense pressure to conform to aggressive, competitive male stereotypes. This environment often rewarded traditionally masculine traits while penalizing vulnerability or cooperation.

Success linked to masculinity. Vincent observed that career advancement was often tied to displays of stereotypical masculinity, such as assertiveness, risk-taking, and dominance. This created a cycle that perpetuated toxic behaviors.

Women navigate double standards. As "Ned," Vincent experienced firsthand the different expectations placed on men and women in professional settings. She found that behaviors rewarded in men were often criticized in women, highlighting persistent gender biases in the workplace.

7. Men struggle with body image and stereotypes, like women do

"Every time I come into a room or a restaurant," Toby continued, "especially with other guys, I can see the fear on their faces, like they think I'm going to hurt them. They assume I'm violent because of the way I look."

Stereotypes hurt everyone. Vincent discovered that men, like women, face damaging stereotypes based on their appearance. Muscular men were often assumed to be aggressive or unintelligent, while less physically imposing men struggled with feelings of inadequacy.

Body image issues are universal. Contrary to popular belief, Vincent found that many men experienced significant anxiety and insecurity about their bodies. This ranged from concerns about muscle mass and height to worries about hair loss and aging.

Expectations create pressure. The societal expectation for men to be physically strong and athletically capable created significant stress for those who didn't naturally fit this mold. Vincent observed men going to extreme lengths to achieve or maintain an idealized male physique.

8. Fathers play a crucial role in shaping male identity and self-esteem

If only my father hadn't hated me so much, maybe we could have related.

Father-son relationships are pivotal. Vincent's interactions with men in therapy groups revealed the profound impact that fathers have on their sons' sense of self-worth and masculine identity.

Absent fathers leave voids. Many men Vincent encountered struggled with feelings of abandonment or inadequacy stemming from absent or emotionally distant fathers. This often led to difficulties in forming healthy relationships in adulthood.

Positive male role models are crucial. The men's movement emphasized the importance of positive male mentorship in helping men develop healthy masculinity. Vincent observed how surrogate father figures in these groups often provided the guidance and affirmation many men had lacked in childhood.

9. The men's movement seeks to heal masculine wounds through ritual

I knew what they were trying to do and I respected the attempt. Bly's preaching was full of paeans to rites and rituals, myth and symbolism. The loss of them was crucial, he'd claimed, to the breakdown of modern masculinity.

Rituals provide structure. The men's movement's emphasis on rituals and symbolism aimed to create a framework for emotional expression and personal growth that many men found lacking in their daily lives.

Mythology offers archetypes. Drawing on mythological figures and stories provided men with models for exploring different aspects of masculinity and their own psyches.

Criticism and value coexist. While Vincent initially found some of the movement's practices questionable, she came to appreciate their value in helping men process emotions and form connections. The rituals, though sometimes awkward, offered a rare space for men to be vulnerable with each other.

10. Cross-dressing experiment reveals complexities of gender identity

I had learned as much from Ivan. Besides, he needed it more than I did, and when it came to selling the male mystique, he had taught me practically everything I knew.

Immersion yields insights. Vincent's extended period living as "Ned" provided unique insights into male experiences that would have been impossible to gain through observation alone.

Gender is performative. The ease with which Vincent was able to "pass" as male in various settings highlighted how much of gender expression is learned behavior rather than innate qualities.

Perspective shifts empathy. Experiencing life from a male perspective gave Vincent a newfound empathy for men's struggles and challenges, challenging her preconceived notions about male privilege and power.

Last updated: January 23, 2025