She/He/They/Me

1. Gender is a Social Construct, Not Just Biology

Gender, like many other social identities, is partly forced upon us by the societies in which we live.

Beyond Biology. While biological sex exists, gender is the meaning we attach to it, shaped by culture and society. It's not solely determined by genitalia, chromosomes, or hormones. Different cultures emphasize different aspects of biological sex, or even disregard them entirely.

Water to a Fish. The author uses the analogy of water to a fish to explain how gender is all around us, but we don't necessarily spend a lot of time trying to understand it. We're swimming in it all the time. It’s all around us, but we don’t necessarily spend a lot of time trying to understand it.

Early Humans. The book suggests that early human hunter-gatherer groups may not have had the same concept of gender as we do today. They recognized physical differences, but didn't assign particular importance or meaning to genitalia. This challenges the idea that gender is a universal and unchanging concept.

2. Gender Assignment Shapes Your Initial Path

Gender assignment is what happens when someone puts you into a gender category appropriate to your particular culture.

Starting Point. Gender assignment is the first step in your gender journey, whether it happens before birth, at birth, or later in life. It's the act of being labeled "boy," "girl," or something else entirely.

Cultural Categories. The culture you're born into dictates the available gender categories. You don't get to choose them, at least initially. These categories influence how you're treated and the expectations placed upon you.

Complications at Birth. Even in cultures with a binary system, gender assignment isn't always straightforward. Doctors may use measurements of genital tissue to determine sex, but these criteria are based on cultural assumptions about what makes a "penis" or "clitoris." This highlights the subjective nature of gender assignment.

3. Beyond the Binary: Cultures Recognize More Than Two Genders

You’re neither man nor woman, but one of the many gender-variant categories that exist around the world.

Global Diversity. Many cultures around the world recognize more than two genders. These gender-variant categories demonstrate that the binary system isn't universal.

Examples of Gender-Variant Categories:

• Hijras (India): Individuals who are assigned male at birth but take on a feminine identity and role.
• Alyha (Mohave): Individuals assigned male at birth who adopt female roles and clothing.
• Sworn Virgins (Balkans): Women who take on male roles and renounce marriage.

Challenging Assumptions. These examples challenge the assumption that there are only two fixed genders. They show that gender can be fluid, culturally defined, and based on factors beyond biology.

4. Gender Identity: Your Internal Sense of Self

Gender identity is how you think about and understand who you are in relation to your gender.

Internal Compass. Gender identity is your internal sense of self, how you answer the question "What is my gender?" It may or may not align with your assigned gender.

Ego Boundaries. The book explores how gender identity relates to ego boundaries, a psychological concept describing how we differentiate ourselves from the world. Feminine gender identity is associated with weaker ego boundaries and greater empathy, while masculine gender identity is associated with stronger ego boundaries and greater independence.

Stability of Identity. Masculinity is presented as a less stable identity, requiring constant proof, while femininity is seen as more inherent and less subject to external validation. This is because boys learn their gender identity by doing whatever women don’t. Masculine gender identity becomes a rejection of everything that’s feminine.

5. Gender Expression: How You Show Your Gender

Gender expression is the aspects of one’s behavior, mannerisms, and appearance that are associated with that gender in a particular cultural context.

External Presentation. Gender expression is how you outwardly present your gender through clothing, behavior, and mannerisms. It's how you perform gender in a way that is visible to others.

Conformity and Nonconformity. Your gender expression may or may not align with your gender identity and assigned gender. When it doesn't, you may face social consequences.

Examples of Nonconformity:

• A girl who prefers trucks to dolls and hates dresses.
• A boy who likes pink and purple and doesn't enjoy sports.

Gender Expression and Androcentrism. In a patriarchal society, it's often more acceptable for girls to adopt masculine traits than for boys to adopt feminine ones. This reflects the higher value placed on masculinity.

6. Patriarchy and Matriarchy: Systems of Power

A system of social organization in which power leans toward men and masculinity.

Power Dynamics. Patriarchy is a system where power leans toward men and masculinity, while matriarchy is a system where power leans toward women and femininity. Most societies are patriarchal.

Androcentrism. Patriarchy is often characterized by androcentrism, the belief that men and masculinity are superior. This can lead to discrimination and inequality for women.

Matriarchal Societies. True matriarchies tend to be nonhierarchical, with power more evenly distributed. Mothering is valued, and decisions are made by consensus.

7. Gender Socialization: Learning the Rules

Gender socialization is the act of learning how to fit into the particular gender to which a person is assigned.

Learning Gender. Gender socialization is the process of learning how to fit into the gender you're assigned. It involves being rewarded for "correct" behaviors and punished for "incorrect" ones.

Cultural Variations. Gender socialization varies across cultures. What's considered masculine or feminine in one place may be different in another.

Primary Caregivers. The gender of your primary caregiver influences your gender socialization. Boys raised primarily by women may have a different experience of masculinity than those raised by men.

8. Intersex Conditions Challenge the Binary

A person who is intersex does not fit the typical definitions of male and female.

Beyond Male and Female. Intersex conditions challenge the idea that there are only two distinct biological sexes. Intersex people have a range of reproductive or anatomical conditions that don't fit typical definitions of male and female.

Concealment vs. Patient-Centered Models. There are two approaches to dealing with intersex infants:

• Concealment-centered: Aims to "normalize" genitals through surgery and hormone therapy, often without the individual's consent.
• Patient-centered: Prioritizes the individual's autonomy and defers irreversible decisions until they can participate.

Cultural Interpretations. Different cultures have different ways of understanding intersex conditions. Some see it as a medical problem, while others view it as a gift or a sign of special status.

9. Transgender and Gender-Expansive Identities

Transgender is the umbrella term that’s generally used to describe when your gender identity doesn’t match your gender assignment at birth.

Mismatch. Transgender identities arise when your internal sense of gender doesn't align with the gender you were assigned at birth. Gender-expansive includes anyone who expands their own culture’s commonly held expectations about gender.

Social Maleness/Femaleness. Transgender people may seek to achieve social maleness or femaleness, meaning they want others to recognize and treat them as their true gender.

Legal and Medical Transitions. Altering gender identity can involve legal changes to documents and medical interventions like hormone therapy and surgery. The process varies depending on location and individual needs.

10. Sexuality and Gender: Complex Connections

One way to think about it is that sexual identity is who you want to go to bed with, while gender identity is who you want to be when you go to bed.

Distinct but Intertwined. Sexual identity (who you're attracted to) and gender identity (who you are) are distinct but often intertwined. Cultures may assume connections between them.

Sexual Inversion. Historically, some theories linked same-gender attraction to "inverted" gender identities (e.g., gay men being "women on the inside").

Challenging Assumptions. It's important to recognize that gender and sexuality are not always linked. People of all genders can have diverse sexual orientations.

11. Gender Inequality: A Global Issue

As a girl in a patriarchal society, you’re automatically seen as inferior to boys and men just by virtue of having been born a girl.

Systemic Disadvantage. In patriarchal societies, girls and women face systemic disadvantages due to their gender. This can manifest in various forms, including lower pay, limited opportunities, and higher rates of violence.

Measuring Inequality. The Gender Inequality Index and Global Gender Gap Index are used to measure gender inequality across countries. They consider factors like health, education, economic status, and political empowerment.

Progress and Challenges. While progress has been made in some areas, gender inequality persists globally. Even in countries with relatively low inequality, challenges remain.

12. You Can Choose to Challenge or Reinforce Gender Norms

The more you know about gender, the more gender becomes like a path that you get to create for yourself.

Agency and Choice. Understanding gender allows you to make informed choices about how you want to live your own gender. You can choose to conform to or challenge existing norms.

Gender Outlaws. You can become a "gender outlaw" by breaking all the gender rules society lays out. This can involve challenging stereotypes, advocating for equality, and creating new possibilities for gender expression.

Ongoing Journey. The exploration of gender is a lifelong journey. There's always more to learn, and you have the power to shape the future of gender.

Last updated: April 19, 2025