Sounds Fake But Okay

1. The Aspec Lens: Seeing Beyond Societal Norms

To view something through the aspec lens is to strip it of all societal expectations.

Challenge assumptions. Society, particularly in Western cultures, operates under pervasive assumptions like allonormativity (everyone is sexual and romantic) and amatonormativity (romantic-sexual relationships are superior). These norms dictate how we "should" live, from childhood crushes to marriage expectations. The aspec lens, inspired by asexual and aromantic perspectives, encourages us to question these ingrained beliefs.

Don't should. The core mantra of the aspec lens is "don't should." It means rejecting external pressures and expectations about how life, relationships, or identity "ought" to be. This isn't about judging those who follow traditional paths, but about making conscious choices based on genuine desires, not societal mandates.

A transformative perspective. Adopting the aspec lens is a powerful act of rebellion against a prescriptive social order. It allows us to see the world objectively, recognizing how deeply social pressure influences every decision. This perspective is not limited to aspec individuals; anyone can benefit from questioning norms and forging their own path.

2. Self-Discovery: An Internal Journey of Identity

So instead of going to that gay bar, aspecs are often left to bravely waltz into the recesses of their minds to think deeply about the feelings that they have or have not felt for their entire lives.

Questioning within. Unlike many queer awakenings centered on attraction to others, aspec self-discovery often involves realizing the absence of expected attractions. This leads to deep introspection, a personal journey into one's own feelings and experiences, often without external validation or easy comparison points.

Beyond labels. While labels like asexual, aromantic, demisexual, or greyromantic can be incredibly validating and provide community, the journey of self-understanding is ongoing. It's okay if identity changes or if no label feels quite right. The process is about gaining self-knowledge and awareness of one's own wants and boundaries.

Strength in self-awareness. The necessity of this deep introspection often leads aspec individuals to develop a strong understanding of themselves, their needs, and their boundaries in relationships. This self-awareness, though sometimes born from struggle, becomes a valuable asset in navigating connections with others.

3. Friendship: A Primary Relationship Worth Prioritizing

Friendship is the most underrated relationship in our lives … It remains the one relation not bound by law, blood, or money—but an unspoken agreement of love.

Decenter romance. Society places romantic-sexual relationships on a pedestal, often leading to the deprioritization or abandonment of platonic friendships, especially when romantic partnerships form. The aspec lens challenges this hierarchy, arguing that the value of a relationship should be based on the bond itself, not its type.

Platonic intentionality. Just as romantic relationships involve discussions of commitment and future plans, platonic friendships can benefit from intentionality. Concepts like "squishes" (platonic crushes) or formal conversations about the importance and desired depth of a friendship can elevate platonic bonds beyond casual connections.

Found family. The idea of "found family," bonds chosen by agreement rather than blood, is a powerful alternative to traditional family structures. This concept, often embraced in queer and aspec communities, highlights that deep, supportive, and lasting connections can be built with friends, challenging the notion that only romantic partners or blood relatives constitute true family.

4. Relationships: Customizing Connections Off the Escalator

You really get to design the relationship from the ground up, cherry-picking the elements of friendship and romance you want, and leaving the rest behind.

Beyond the escalator. The "relationship escalator" is the societal default: attraction, dating, exclusivity, merging lives, marriage, kids. Relationships that don't follow this linear, prescriptive path are often seen as less valid. The aspec lens encourages stepping off this escalator and exploring diverse partnership models.

Queerplatonic relationships (QPRs). QPRs are committed partnerships rooted in friendship, which may or may not include romantic or sexual elements. Their defining feature is intentionality and customization; partners decide together what the relationship looks like, free from societal expectations. This fluidity makes QPRs a powerful model for aspecs seeking deep connection outside traditional norms.

Polyamory and flexibility. Polyamory, while not exclusive to aspecs, aligns with the aspec lens by rejecting the idea that one person must fulfill all needs. For some aspecs, polyamory offers solutions for sexual or romantic incompatibility within a partnership, allowing different needs to be met by different connections. It emphasizes communication and customized relationship structures.

5. Sex: An Activity Defined by You, Not Attraction

Just as the acts of shaking hands or hugging someone are, at their core, just a physical activity, so too is sex.

Detaching sex from attraction. Society often assumes sexual attraction is the sole or primary driver of sex. The aspec lens reveals that sex, like any physical activity, can be engaged in for numerous reasons beyond attraction, such as:

• Physical pleasure or horniness
• Bonding and intimacy
• Making a partner happy
• Reproduction

Beyond the "why". While aspecs are often asked to explain why they have sex without attraction, this forced introspection highlights that sex is a multifaceted activity with diverse motivations for everyone, allo or aspec. Intellectualizing sex allows individuals to define its meaning and value for themselves, rather than accepting societal definitions.

Challenging norms. Concepts like "virginity" are revealed as harmful social constructs when viewed through the aspec lens, lacking inherent meaning beyond societal impositions. Understanding sex as an activity, and recognizing the spectrum of sexual interest (sex-repulsed to sex-favorable), empowers individuals to navigate their own relationship with sex based on personal comfort and desire, not external pressure.

6. Family: Building Bonds Beyond Blood and Tradition

The bonds we form by covenant, by agreement, by chosen bonds, are stronger than those formed through genetics.

Beyond the nuclear unit. The traditional nuclear family (married couple, children) is heavily valorized, often marginalizing single-parent families, chosen families, and other non-traditional structures. The aspec lens, informed by queer experiences, emphasizes that family is built on love, support, and choice, not just blood or legal marriage.

Alternative paths to parenthood. Aspec individuals who desire children have options beyond the traditional romantic-sexual partnership, including single-parenthood by choice, co-parenting with friends or multiple partners, adoption, or fostering. While societal and legal barriers exist, these paths demonstrate that parenthood and family formation are diverse and adaptable.

Chosen family's strength. Found families, built through intentional connection and mutual support, are vital support systems, especially for those whose blood families are unaccepting or distant. These chosen bonds, like the corrected proverb suggests, can be profoundly strong and fulfilling, providing the care and community needed to thrive.

7. Gender: Deconstructing Expectations and Embracing Fluidity

Applying the aspec lens to your gender, even (or perhaps especially) if you are cis, means accepting that the rules don’t matter, and the only one who gets to decide what your gender is and how to present it is you.

Gendered expectations. Society imposes rigid, often heteronormative, expectations based on gender: men are hypersexual, women are romance-obsessed but sexually pure until marriage. These stereotypes create pressure and discomfort for many, particularly aspec individuals whose experiences don't align.

Aspecity and gender questioning. For many aspecs, questioning sexual and romantic norms can lead to questioning gender norms as well. Realizing that societal rules about attraction are arbitrary can open the door to realizing that rules about gender presentation and identity are also constructs, leading many to explore trans and nonbinary identities.

Beyond the binary. The aspec lens helps dismantle the strict male/female binary and the expectations tied to it. It encourages embracing gender fluidity, pronoun indifference, and rejecting gendered beauty standards or roles that don't serve the individual. True sex-positive feminism, from an aspec perspective, includes the freedom not to have sex or conform to sexualized expectations.

8. Kink: Intimacy and Communication Beyond the Sexual

While kink often involves sexual acts in combination with things like power play, role play, bondage, etc., it doesn’t have to.

Kink beyond sex. Contrary to popular belief, kink is not solely a sexual practice. It encompasses a wide range of consensual, non-traditional intimate and sensual behaviors that can be explored for reasons other than sexual gratification.

Benefits for aspecs. Kink can offer unique benefits to aspec individuals:

• Physical pleasure detached from sexual attraction.
• Mental grounding and stress relief.
• A framework for explicit communication and consent around physical boundaries.

Culture of consent. The kink community's emphasis on clear negotiation and consent provides a valuable model for discussing boundaries in any relationship, sexual or otherwise. This contrasts with societal norms that often rely on unspoken assumptions about sexual compatibility and desires.

9. Media: The Power and Lack of Aspec Visibility

The first and most glaring is that there is very little representation of aspec identities outside of our self-built communities.

Invisible identities. Aspec identities are largely absent from mainstream media, both in real-life narratives and fictional portrayals. This lack of visibility contributes to misunderstanding, stigma, and the feeling of isolation for aspec individuals.

Romance-centric narratives. A major barrier to aspec representation is media's heavy reliance on romantic-sexual storylines across all genres. The false belief that stories without these elements are "less interesting" perpetuates the exclusion of aspec characters and narratives.

The need for diverse stories. Increased aspec representation is crucial for normalization and acceptance. It challenges the default assumptions about human experience and shows that fulfilling lives and compelling stories exist outside of traditional romantic and sexual frameworks.

Last updated: May 6, 2025