Stand Before Your God

1. Boarding School as a Crucible: Shaping Identity Through Hardship

So traumatic was this experience that it clearly seared itself into Watkins’s brain … with the flawless clarity of a child’s eye.

Early separation. The novel explores the profound impact of being sent away to boarding school at a young age, highlighting the emotional and psychological challenges of separation from family and the struggle to adapt to a rigid, unfamiliar environment. The author's experience of being left at the Dragon School at age seven becomes a defining moment, shaping his perception of the world and his place within it.

Enduring hardship. The Dragon School becomes a crucible where young boys are forged through a series of trials, including bullying, strict discipline, and the constant pressure to conform. These experiences, while often traumatic, contribute to the development of resilience, self-reliance, and a unique understanding of social dynamics. The author's early experiences with homesickness, teasing, and physical challenges contribute to his evolving sense of self.

Identity formation. The boarding school environment forces the boys to confront questions of identity and belonging, as they navigate a complex social hierarchy and grapple with the expectations of their peers and superiors. The author's struggle to reconcile his American identity with the demands of English boarding school culture becomes a central theme, highlighting the challenges of maintaining a sense of self in a foreign and often hostile environment.

2. The Power of Names: Identity and Belonging in a Closed World

There was no point having a first name at the Dragon School because nobody used it.

Names as currency. In the closed society of the Dragon School, names take on a significance far beyond their conventional function, becoming tools for social categorization, power dynamics, and the assertion of dominance. The boys' last names are dissected, twisted, and repurposed, often with cruel intent, to create nicknames that define their place in the school's social hierarchy.

Social hierarchy. The author's own experience of being dubbed "Watty Dog" underscores the arbitrary and often brutal nature of this naming process, as well as the challenges of resisting the labels imposed by others. The power to name becomes a form of social currency, wielded by those higher up in the school's pecking order to assert their authority and maintain their position.

Names as weapons. The use of names as weapons highlights the vulnerability of the boys, particularly those who are new or different, to the social pressures of the school. The story of Ramsbottom, whose name becomes a source of constant ridicule, illustrates the devastating impact that such linguistic bullying can have on a young person's self-esteem and sense of belonging.

3. Friendship as Survival: Navigating the Dragon School's Social Labyrinth

It made me laugh to see how some of the toughest bully boys had the most dog-eared, sad-faced old stuffed animals.

Alliances. In the harsh environment of the Dragon School, friendship becomes a vital survival mechanism, offering solace, protection, and a sense of belonging in a world often characterized by cruelty and isolation. The author's bond with Nightingale and Cuddlybum provides a refuge from the pressures of the school, as well as a means of navigating its complex social landscape.

Loyalty. The boys' friendship is tested by the challenges they face, including bullying, academic pressure, and the constant struggle to conform. Their loyalty to one another is often strained, but ultimately their shared experiences and mutual support enable them to weather the storms of boarding school life. The author's betrayal of Cuddlybum by revealing his escape plan highlights the complexities of friendship and the difficult choices that must sometimes be made in the name of self-preservation.

Friendship's limits. The novel also explores the limits of friendship, as the boys grapple with their own individual ambitions and insecurities. The author's growing awareness of his own identity and aspirations leads to a gradual distancing from his friends, as he begins to forge his own path and define himself outside the confines of their shared experiences.

4. The Allure and Reality of Home: A Transatlantic Divide

Pictures of home appeared more clearly, like radio waves suddenly free of static.

Longing for home. The novel explores the complex relationship between the author and his home in America, highlighting the allure of familiar comforts and the pain of separation. The author's frequent "voyages" back home in his dreams underscore the intensity of his longing for his family, his surroundings, and a sense of belonging.

Idealization vs. reality. The author's idealized vision of home is often at odds with the reality of his experiences there, as he struggles to reconcile his memories with the changes that have occurred in his absence. The author's return to America during school breaks is often bittersweet, as he finds himself caught between two worlds, never fully belonging to either.

Transatlantic identity. The author's transatlantic identity becomes a source of both strength and conflict, as he navigates the cultural differences between America and England and grapples with the challenges of maintaining a sense of self across vast distances. The author's ability to code-switch between American and English accents becomes a metaphor for his ability to adapt to different environments, but also underscores the sense of alienation that he often feels.

5. Finding Strength in Ritual: Coping Mechanisms in a Regimented Life

The first thing I learned at the Dragon School was that this was no place for cowards.

Rituals as anchors. In the rigid and often unpredictable environment of boarding school, rituals provide a sense of stability, control, and meaning, offering a way to cope with the challenges of daily life. The boys develop a variety of rituals, from the seemingly mundane to the deeply personal, as a means of asserting their individuality and maintaining a sense of order in a world often characterized by chaos.

Coping mechanisms. The author's reliance on rituals, such as writing stories, listening to music, and performing specific actions before exams, highlights the importance of finding coping mechanisms to manage stress, anxiety, and the pressures of academic life. These rituals become a source of comfort and strength, enabling him to navigate the challenges of boarding school and maintain a sense of self in the face of adversity.

Rituals as rebellion. The boys' participation in dorm raids, practical jokes, and other forms of rule-breaking can also be seen as a form of ritual, a way of challenging authority, asserting their independence, and creating a sense of community in a highly regimented environment. These acts of rebellion, while often disruptive, provide a much-needed outlet for the boys' pent-up emotions and a means of asserting their agency in a world where they often feel powerless.

6. The Price of Conformity: Individuality vs. Acceptance

And the first thing I learned at the Dragon School was that this was no place for cowards.

Pressure to conform. The novel explores the intense pressure to conform to the norms and expectations of the boarding school environment, highlighting the challenges of maintaining individuality in a world that often rewards uniformity. The boys are constantly bombarded with messages about how they should behave, what they should value, and who they should be, leading to a struggle between their own desires and the demands of the group.

Loss of self. The author's efforts to suppress his American accent and adopt the mannerisms of his English peers illustrate the lengths to which the boys will go to fit in, even at the expense of their own authenticity. The pressure to conform can lead to a loss of self, as the boys sacrifice their individuality in pursuit of acceptance and belonging.

Rebellion. The novel also celebrates acts of rebellion, both large and small, as a means of resisting the homogenizing forces of the boarding school environment. The boys' participation in dorm raids, their creation of nicknames for teachers, and their defiance of certain rules and traditions all represent attempts to assert their individuality and reclaim a sense of agency in a world that often seeks to control them.

7. Loss of Innocence: Confronting the Darker Sides of Authority and Tradition

It was the worst kind of insult to have someone torture your animal and pull its head off or fill it full of toothpaste.

Abuse of power. The novel exposes the darker sides of authority and tradition, highlighting the potential for abuse and the ways in which power can corrupt even those who are ostensibly entrusted with the care and guidance of young people. The author's experiences with teachers who inflict physical and emotional pain, as well as the senior boys who engage in bullying and hazing, reveal the vulnerability of the boys to those in positions of authority.

Tradition's shadow. The novel also questions the value of tradition, as the author comes to see how certain customs and practices can perpetuate harmful behaviors and create a culture of silence and complicity. The emphasis on conformity, the rigid social hierarchy, and the acceptance of physical punishment all contribute to an environment where abuse can thrive unchecked.

Confronting darkness. The author's growing awareness of these darker aspects of boarding school life leads to a loss of innocence, as he is forced to confront the realities of power, privilege, and the potential for human cruelty. The author's decision to speak out against Pa Winter's abuse, despite the potential consequences, represents a turning point in his development, as he begins to assert his own moral compass and challenge the authority of those who would seek to control him.

8. Voyaging Within: Finding Solace and Purpose Through Storytelling

I did this not just once, but dozens and dozens of times. Each night for weeks I wandered with the ghosts of Conanicut Indians and the two British Redcoats who had been killed by Yankee minutemen two hundred years before and were buried in Mr. Worrel’s garden.

Imagination as escape. In the often-oppressive environment of boarding school, storytelling becomes a vital means of escape, offering a refuge from the pressures of daily life and a way to explore the complexities of the world beyond the school's walls. The author's vivid imagination allows him to transcend the limitations of his physical surroundings and create his own worlds, populated by characters and events that reflect his hopes, fears, and desires.

Writing as power. The act of writing becomes a form of empowerment, enabling the author to make sense of his experiences, express his emotions, and assert his own voice in a world that often seeks to silence him. Through his stories, the author can explore themes of identity, belonging, and the search for meaning, as well as challenge the authority of those who would seek to control him.

Storytelling's limits. The novel also acknowledges the limitations of storytelling, as the author grapples with the challenges of translating his inner world into words and the difficulty of capturing the full complexity of human experience. The author's struggle to find the right words to describe his grief over his father's death highlights the inadequacy of language in the face of profound emotional pain.

9. Leaving the Dragon: The End of Childhood and the Uncertainties of the Future

I was a member of the Junior Jet Club. I had a set of plastic captain’s wings. On each flight, I handed in my blue Junior Jet Club book and had the captain log the distance. Each flight across the Atlantic was 2,435 miles.

End of an era. The author's departure from the Dragon School marks the end of his childhood and the beginning of a new chapter in his life, filled with both promise and uncertainty. The farewell ceremony, the packing of suitcases, and the final goodbyes all underscore the finality of this transition, as the author prepares to leave behind the familiar world of boarding school and embark on a new adventure.

Uncertainty. The author's mixed emotions about leaving reflect the ambivalence that many young people feel as they approach adulthood, torn between the desire for independence and the comfort of the familiar. The author's anxieties about the future, his fears of failure, and his uncertainty about his own abilities all contribute to a sense of unease as he prepares to leave the Dragon School behind.

Legacy. The author's experiences at the Dragon School have shaped him in profound ways, instilling in him a sense of resilience, self-reliance, and a unique perspective on the world. As he prepares to move on to Eton, the author carries with him the lessons he has learned, the friendships he has forged, and the memories that will continue to shape his identity for years to come.

10. Eton's Echoes: Tradition, Conformity, and the Loss of Self

Educated at Eton and Yale, Paul Watkins has written five novels.

Tradition's weight. The transition to Eton brings a new set of challenges, as the author confronts the weight of tradition, the pressure to conform to a new set of expectations, and the potential for losing himself in the school's rigid social hierarchy. The author's initial experiences at Eton, including the bewildering uniform requirements, the arcane language, and the emphasis on social status, highlight the challenges of adapting to a world that is both familiar and alien.

Conformity's price. The author's struggle to find his place at Eton underscores the potential for boarding school life to stifle individuality and creativity, as the boys are pressured to conform to a narrow set of ideals and expectations. The author's growing awareness of the school's darker aspects, including the prevalence of bullying, the abuse of power, and the suppression of dissent, leads to a sense of disillusionment and a questioning of the values he has been taught.

Individuality. The author's decision to join the Corps, despite his reservations, reflects his desire to find a sense of purpose and belonging within the school's rigid structure, as well as his growing awareness of the complexities of power and the challenges of asserting one's own agency in a world that often seeks to control it.

11. The Weight of Expectations: Navigating a Legacy of Privilege and Duty

I knew that from now on I would be intruding in both places.

Privilege's burden. The novel explores the complex relationship between privilege and responsibility, as the author grapples with the expectations that come with attending an elite institution like Eton. The author's awareness of his own privileged position leads to a sense of guilt and unease, as he struggles to reconcile his own ambitions with the needs of those less fortunate.

Duty's call. The emphasis on service and leadership at Eton instills in the author a sense of duty to use his privilege for the greater good, but also raises questions about the nature of power and the potential for even well-intentioned actions to have unintended consequences. The author's decision to turn in Davis and Elliot, despite his reservations, reflects his belief in the importance of upholding the school's rules and maintaining order, but also highlights the potential for such actions to cause harm and betray the trust of others.

Legacy's shadow. The author's growing awareness of the school's history and traditions, including its role in shaping the British Empire, leads to a questioning of the values he has been taught and a search for a more authentic and meaningful way of life. The author's decision to pursue writing, despite the expectations of his family and the school, represents a rejection of the traditional path to success and a commitment to forging his own unique identity.

12. Finding a Path: Loss, Grief, and the Search for Meaning

I knew that I would probably never return.

Confronting loss. The death of the author's father becomes a defining moment in his life, forcing him to confront the realities of mortality, grief, and the fragility of human existence. The author's struggle to cope with his loss highlights the importance of finding healthy coping mechanisms, such as writing, to process his emotions and make sense of his experiences.

Grief's impact. The author's grief also leads to a period of introspection and self-discovery, as he begins to question his own values, his relationships with others, and his place in the world. The author's decision to leave the Corps and focus on his writing represents a turning point in his development, as he begins to prioritize his own creative pursuits over the expectations of others.

Meaning's search. The author's journey through boarding school ultimately becomes a search for meaning and purpose, as he grapples with questions of identity, belonging, and the legacy he wants to leave behind. The author's commitment to writing, despite the challenges and uncertainties, represents a triumph of the human spirit, as he finds solace, strength, and a sense of fulfillment in the act of creating something new and meaningful.

Last updated: February 25, 2025