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1. Cut Out the Navel-Gazing: Stop Looking Inward for Answers

The self is merely an idea, a construct, a by-product of cultural history.

Reject introspection. The modern obsession with looking inward, listening to gut feelings, and "finding yourself" is misguided and often harmful. This trend, stemming from the anti-authoritarian spirit of the 1960s, has become institutionalized in education and the workplace, leading to a focus on the self as the source of all answers. However, relying solely on internal feelings can lead to:

• The "health paradox": More self-analysis leads to feeling worse.
• Finding nothing or the wrong answers: Inner feelings are unreliable and don't hold objective truths about the world or your capabilities.
• Ending up trapped: Constant introspection can lead to a vacuous, numb state or disappointment.

Look outwards instead. Instead of seeking answers within, cultivate an interest in the external world—other people, cultures, nature, science, art, and philosophy. True understanding and meaningful action come from engaging with what is outside of you, not from endless self-exploration. The idea that "the manual is inside you" is a problematic slogan of contemporary self-development culture.

Practice voluntary discomfort. To counteract the tendency to rely on inner feelings and comfort, practice doing things that don't "feel right inside" but are objectively good or necessary. This Stoic technique, like not eating dessert when you want to or cycling in the rain, builds willpower and resilience, helps you appreciate what you have, and teaches you that unpleasant experiences are not to be feared, making you less reliant on fleeting internal states.

2. Focus on the Negative: Embrace Doubt and Reality

If you spend time thinking about you own mortality every day, you’ll appreciate life more.

Challenge coercive positivity. Modern culture, fueled by positive psychology, promotes a "tyranny of the positive" where negativity, complaining, and even suffering are expected to be reframed as opportunities for growth. This can lead to:

• Blaming the victim: Suffering is attributed to an individual's lack of positive attitude rather than external circumstances.
• Stifling critique: Only focusing on successes prevents addressing real problems.
• Unrealistic expectations: People feel guilty for not being constantly happy or successful.

Reclaim the right to complain. Complaining ("kvetching") is a healthy coping mechanism that allows you to vent frustration and fosters a sense of community by acknowledging shared difficulties. It is also the first step in dealing with problems by facing reality as it is, rather than pretending everything is fine. Life is hard, and it's okay to say so.

Practice negative visualization. Counteract the focus on positive visualization by regularly contemplating negative possibilities, including loss and your own mortality (memento mori). This Stoic practice is not about despair but about:

• Enhancing appreciation: Realizing you could lose what you have makes you more grateful for it now.
• Building resilience: Mentally preparing for adversity makes you better equipped to handle it when it inevitably occurs.
• Gaining perspective: Contemplating death helps you prioritize what is truly important in life and endure minor frustrations.

3. Put on Your No Hat: Reclaim Integrity and Boundaries

Being able to say no signifies that you are a mature person with a certain degree of integrity.

Resist the "Yes hat" culture. The accelerating culture promotes constantly saying "yes" to new opportunities, challenges, and demands, often driven by fear:

• Fear of not keeping up: The pressure to be constantly enterprising and adaptable.
• Fear of missing out (FOMO): The belief that saying no means cutting yourself off from valuable experiences.
• Fear of appearing rigid: Being seen as an "enemy of change" for wanting stability.

Embrace doubt as a virtue. In a risk society that craves certainty, doubt and hesitation are ethical antidotes. Saying "no" or "I'll have to think about that" allows for reflection and reconsideration, preventing rash decisions based on fleeting impulses or external pressure. Doubt fosters openness to other perspectives and acknowledges the complexity of reality.

Stand firm on values. True integrity comes from adhering to moral values and obligations, not from blindly saying yes to every whim or trend. Saying no is often necessary to protect what is important and maintain self-constancy—the ability to be reliable over time. This is crucial for building trust and fulfilling duties to others.

4. Suppress Your Feelings: Choose Dignity Over Authenticity

Adults should choose dignity over authenticity.

Question the emotional culture. Modern society, characterized by "emotional capitalism" and the "tyranny of intimacy," encourages constant emotional expression and authenticity. This leads to:

• Infantilization: Equating maturity with unrestrained emotional display, like a toddler.
• Instrumental relationships: Emotions become commodities or tools for personal gain.
• Constant conflict: Lack of social rituals and masks leads to people constantly hurting each other.

Control negative emotions. While emotions like guilt and shame are vital for moral development, others like anger, envy, and contempt can be destructive. The idea that suppressing feelings is always unhealthy is questionable; research is ambiguous, and controlling emotions can be beneficial, especially for adults.

Prioritize dignity and self-control. Instead of striving for raw authenticity, cultivate dignity by learning to manage and sometimes suppress your emotions. This Stoic ideal allows you to:

• Maintain peace of mind: Avoid being easily disturbed by external provocations or fleeting desires.
• Act rationally: Make decisions based on reason and duty, not just how you feel in the moment.
• Preserve social harmony: Use civility and masks to navigate public interactions respectfully.

5. Sack Your Coach: Reject the Religion of the Self

Coaching is perhaps the most visible manifestation of everything that’s wrong with an accelerating culture in which it is difficult to stand firm.

Identify the "coachification" of life. Coaching, therapy, and self-help represent a widespread trend where personal development becomes a quasi-religious pursuit centered on the self. This "religion of the self" replaces external authorities (like God or tradition) with an inner authority (the self), leading to:

• Endless development: The goal is "Constant Never-ending Improvement," meaning you're never good enough.
• Self-blame: Problems are internalized as personal failings rather than external issues.
• Instrumental relationships: Others, including friends and family, are viewed as tools for personal growth.

Recognize the dangers. Coaching often exacerbates the very problems it claims to solve, such as exhaustion and emptiness, by demanding more self-development. It promotes a subjective view of success ("doing what you want, when you want") that can resemble psychopathy if taken to the extreme, neglecting duties and obligations to others.

Cultivate true friendship. Replace instrumental relationships like coaching and networking with genuine friendships based on intrinsic value and mutual care, not quid pro quo. Engage in activities that have value beyond personal utility, such as:

• Visiting museums: Appreciate cultural traditions and objects for their own sake.
• Spending time in nature: Recognize that the world exists independently of human needs.
• Practicing anonymous benevolence: Do good deeds because they are right, not for personal gain or recognition.

6. Read a Novel: Find Truth in Complexity, Not Self-Help

Novels, on the other hand, enable you to understand human life as complex and unmanageable.

Reject the literature of the self. Self-help books and many biographies promote a simplistic, linear view of life focused on individual control and self-realization. They reinforce the idea that answers lie within and contribute to dependency by offering endless new methods for improvement. This literature often presents crises as universally positive opportunities for growth, ignoring the reality that some negative experiences are simply bad.

Embrace the novel as a "technology of the self." Novels, unlike self-help, offer a more faithful portrayal of human existence as complex, random, and intertwined with social and historical processes. Reading novels can:

• Foster humility: Show how little control we have over our lives.
• Provide multiple perspectives: Explore different worldviews and the polyphonic/polytheistic nature of reality (e.g., Murakami).
• Reveal external influences: Highlight how identity is shaped by culture and history (e.g., Houellebecq).

Seek truth in lack of illusions. Authors like Michel Houellebecq and Karl Ove Knausgård, despite their differences, offer unflinching, often negative, but ultimately edifying perspectives on contemporary life. They show the commodification of relationships and the absurdity of the self-realization quest, emphasizing the importance of everything that lies outside the self. Their work suggests that truth is often found in the visible complexity of the world, not a hidden inner essence.

7. Dwell on the Past: Build Identity on Tradition, Not Future

Knowing your past is a prerequisite for standing firm – because without the past, there is nothing to stand firm on.

Resist future-orientation. The accelerating culture is excessively focused on the present moment and the future, driven by concepts like "presencing" and "future studies." This neglects the past, viewing it as merely outdated patterns to be overcome. This focus on constant innovation and progress is a relatively recent and potentially destructive ideology.

Embrace the value of the past. Dwelling on the past is essential for:

• Maintaining identity: Understanding your life as a continuous narrative provides self-constancy.
• Moral life: Remembering past mistakes (guilt) and having a stable identity allows for trust and fulfilling obligations (promises).
• Cultural understanding: Meaning is derived from historical traditions and practices.

Engage with living traditions. Participate in activities (crafts, music, family life) that connect you to historical practices. Living traditions are dynamic arguments about shared goods, not static repetitions. They remind you of the depth of human experience and provide something solid to stand on.

Practice repetition and stand still. Counter the pressure for constant change by valuing repetition and insisting on the right to stand still. While innovation has its place, much of life's value lies in the tried and tested. Good parents, for example, embody rootedness and responsibility, demonstrating that stability is crucial in relationships.

Last updated: June 10, 2025