Surprised by Joy

1. Childhood Shapes the Soul: Longing for Joy and the Shadow of Loss

It is not settled happiness but momentary joy that glorifies the past.

Early Influences. Lewis's childhood was a tapestry woven with contrasting threads: his father's passionate Welsh temperament and his mother's tranquil, intellectual nature. This duality instilled in him a distrust of raw emotion and a deep longing for something beyond the ordinary. His early life was marked by a profound sense of joy, triggered by simple things like a toy garden or distant hills, but also by the trauma of his mother's death, which shattered his sense of security and introduced him to the terror of loss.

• The contrast between his parents' temperaments shaped his view of emotion.
• The toy garden and the Green Hills instilled a longing for something unattainable.
• His mother's death brought terror and a loss of security.

The Nature of Joy. Lewis distinguishes "Joy" from mere happiness or pleasure, describing it as an intense, unsatisfied desire that is more desirable than any satisfaction. This longing, a "stab" or "pang," became the central theme of his life, a quest for something that always seemed just out of reach. This early experience of joy, though fleeting, became a defining force, shaping his imagination and his spiritual quest.

• Joy is an unsatisfied desire, more desirable than any satisfaction.
• It is a "stab" or "pang," not mere happiness or pleasure.
• This longing became the central theme of his life.

The Seeds of Pessimism. Even in his early years, Lewis grappled with a sense of pessimism, rooted in his physical clumsiness and a feeling of opposition from inanimate objects. This sense of a flawed universe, combined with his father's gloomy pronouncements about adult life, created a deep-seated belief that the world was a "menacing and unfriendly place." This early pessimism would later influence his intellectual and spiritual journey.

• Physical clumsiness bred a sense of opposition from inanimate things.
• His father's pronouncements created a gloomy view of adult life.
• He felt the universe to be a "menacing and unfriendly place."

2. The Concentration Camp of School: Cruelty, Boredom, and Unexpected Faith

To think, in sunny and confident times, that I shall die and rot, or to think that one day all this universe will slip away and become memory...this is easier to us if we have seen just that sort of thing happening before.

Belsen: A Place of Oppression. Lewis's first boarding school, which he calls "Belsen," was a place of cruelty and neglect, where the headmaster, "Oldie," ruled with irrational violence. The school was a place of wasted time, where learning was minimal and fear was the dominant emotion. This experience instilled in him a deep distrust of authority and a hatred of emotional displays.

• "Oldie" was a cruel and irrational headmaster.
• The school was a place of wasted time and fear.
• This experience bred a distrust of authority and emotion.

Unexpected Bonds. Despite the oppression, Lewis found solace in the camaraderie of his fellow boarders. They formed a united front against "Oldie," sharing jokes and engaging in metaphysical arguments. This experience taught him the importance of friendship and the power of shared suffering.

• The boys formed a united front against "Oldie."
• They shared jokes and engaged in metaphysical arguments.
• This experience taught him the importance of friendship.

The Seed of Faith. Ironically, it was at this oppressive school that Lewis first became an effective believer. The Anglo-Catholic church, with its rituals and doctrines, brought to life what he had previously only accepted intellectually. This experience, though tinged with fear, led him to pray, read the Bible, and attempt to obey his conscience.

• The Anglo-Catholic church brought his faith to life.
• He began to pray, read the Bible, and obey his conscience.
• This experience was tinged with fear, but ultimately good.

3. Mountbracken and Campbell: Glimpses of Grace and the Seeds of Discontent

For all these fair people in hall were in their first age; none happier under the heaven; their king, the man of noblest temper. It would be a hard task to-day to find so brave a fellowship in any castle.

Mountbracken: A Haven of Civility. The family at Mountbracken, particularly Lady E. and her daughters, provided Lewis with a much-needed dose of civility and grace. They showered him with kindness, teaching him manners and exposing him to a more spacious and considered way of life. This experience contrasted sharply with the chaos of his own home and the brutality of his school.

• Mountbracken provided civility and grace.
• He learned manners and a more spacious way of life.
• This contrasted with his home and school experiences.

Campbell: A Glimpse of Freedom. Campbell College, though short-lived, offered Lewis a taste of freedom and a more honest form of bullying. He was exposed to a more diverse social mix and experienced real fights and a less rigid hierarchy. It was here that he first encountered Arnold's "Sohrab and Rustum," which resonated deeply with his longing for a world of distance and calm.

• Campbell offered a taste of freedom and honest bullying.
• He was exposed to a more diverse social mix.
• He encountered Arnold's "Sohrab and Rustum," which resonated deeply.

The Seeds of Discontent. Despite the positive aspects of Mountbracken and Campbell, Lewis remained isolated, preferring the company of his brother and his own imagination. He resented attempts to socialize him, finding them a torment and a distraction from his inner world. This resistance to social norms would become a defining characteristic of his personality.

• He remained isolated, preferring his own company.
• He resented attempts to socialize him.
• This resistance to social norms became a defining trait.

4. Chartres: The Loss of Faith and the Rise of the Prig

My lines and life are free: free as the rode, Loose as the winde, as large as store.

The Matron's Influence. At Chartres, Lewis's faith began to unravel, largely due to the influence of the Matron, Miss C., who introduced him to the world of Theosophy and Occultism. This opened his mind to the possibility of real marvels beyond the visible world, but also blurred the sharp edges of his Christian beliefs.

• Miss C. introduced him to Theosophy and Occultism.
• This blurred the sharp edges of his Christian beliefs.
• He developed a desire for the preternatural.

The Burden of Prayer. Lewis's religious practice had become an intolerable burden, as he tried to force "realizations" during prayer. This led to a sense of hopelessness and a desire to escape the demands of his faith. This, combined with his reading of the classics, which presented other religions as mere illusions, led him to question the uniqueness of Christianity.

• His prayer practice became an intolerable burden.
• He questioned the uniqueness of Christianity.
• He developed a desire to escape his faith.

The Rise of the Prig. As his faith waned, Lewis developed a sense of intellectual superiority, a "priggery" that was fueled by his reading and his growing doubts. He began to look down on those who did not share his tastes, and his desire to be "in the know" led him to adopt a superficial sophistication.

• He developed a sense of intellectual superiority.
• He began to look down on those who did not share his tastes.
• He adopted a superficial sophistication.

5. Renaissance: The Reawakening of Joy and the Lure of the North

So is there in us a world of love to somewhat, though we know not what in the world that should be.

The Moment of Reawakening. Lewis's imaginative life was reawakened by a chance encounter with the words "Siegfried and the Twilight of the Gods" and an Arthur Rackham illustration. This triggered a powerful memory of his earlier experiences of Joy and a longing for the "Northernness" that had always resonated with him.

• The words "Siegfried and the Twilight of the Gods" reawakened his imagination.
• He experienced a powerful memory of his earlier experiences of Joy.
• He felt a longing for the "Northernness."

The Power of Wagner. This reawakening led him to explore Wagner's music, which he found to be a new kind of pleasure, a "conflict of sensations without name." He began to write poetry based on the Wagnerian version of the Niblung story, and his reading of Norse mythology became a source of intense delight.

• Wagner's music was a new kind of pleasure.
• He began to write poetry based on the Niblung story.
• Norse mythology became a source of intense delight.

A New Appreciation of Nature. This imaginative renaissance also led to a new appreciation of external nature. He began to see nature not just as a reminder of his books, but as a medium of real joy. He found himself looking for scenes that might belong to the Wagnerian world, but soon nature became a source of joy in itself.

• Nature became a medium of real joy.
• He looked for scenes that might belong to the Wagnerian world.
• Nature and books became equal reminders of Joy.

6. Bloodery: The Tyranny of the Coll and the Search for Meaning

Any way for Heaven sake So I were out of your whispering.

The Coll: A World of Power and Privilege. At Wyvern College, Lewis entered a world dominated by the "Bloods," an aristocracy of athletes and prefects who held all the power and privilege. He was initially awed by them, but soon became disillusioned by their arrogance and the system that supported them.

• The "Bloods" held all the power and privilege.
• Lewis was initially awed, but soon disillusioned.
• He saw the system as a form of tyranny.

The Fagging System. The fagging system, which made junior boys the servants of their seniors, was a source of constant weariness and humiliation for Lewis. He found the endless tasks and the lack of freedom to be oppressive, and he began to resent the whole structure of school life.

• The fagging system was a source of weariness and humiliation.
• He resented the lack of freedom and the endless tasks.
• He began to resent the whole structure of school life.

The Search for Meaning. Despite the misery of school life, Lewis found some solace in his reading and his imaginative world. He also began to question the values of the Coll, finding them to be shallow and superficial. He longed for something more meaningful than the endless pursuit of social status.

• He found solace in reading and his imagination.
• He questioned the values of the Coll.
• He longed for something more meaningful.

7. Light and Shade: The Duality of Experience and the Path to Self-Discovery

No situation, however wretched it seems, but has some sort of comfort attending it.

The Two Lives. Lewis's life at Wyvern was marked by a sharp duality: the miserable outer life of school and the rich, imaginative inner life. These two lives seemed to exist independently of each other, with the inner life often providing a refuge from the harsh realities of the outer world.

• His life was marked by a duality of outer and inner experiences.
• The inner life provided a refuge from the harsh realities of school.
• The two lives seemed to exist independently of each other.

The Prig's Progress. Wyvern, ironically, turned Lewis into the very thing it was designed to prevent: a prig. He developed a sense of intellectual superiority and a contempt for those who did not share his tastes. This was a reaction to the oppression of school life, a way of asserting his own value in a world that seemed to deny it.

• Wyvern ironically turned him into a prig.
• He developed a sense of intellectual superiority.
• This was a reaction to the oppression of school life.

The Importance of Smewgy and the Gurney. Despite the negative aspects of Wyvern, Lewis found two sources of light: his form master, Smewgy, who taught him the sensuality of poetry, and the school library, "the Gurney," which provided a sanctuary for his imagination. These two elements offered a glimpse of a world beyond the narrow confines of school life.

• Smewgy taught him the sensuality of poetry.
• The Gurney provided a sanctuary for his imagination.
• These offered a glimpse of a world beyond school.

8. Release: The Escape from School and the Embrace of Solitude

I struck the board, and cry'd, 'No more; I will abroad.' What? shall I ever sigh and pine?

The End of Wyvern. Lewis's time at Wyvern came to an end when his father, dissatisfied with the school, agreed to send him to a tutor in Surrey. This was a moment of great joy for Lewis, who had come to hate the school and all that it represented. He was finally free from the tyranny of the Coll.

• His time at Wyvern came to an end.
• He was finally free from the tyranny of the Coll.
• This was a moment of great joy for him.

The Embrace of Solitude. The move to Surrey allowed Lewis to embrace solitude, a state he had always craved. He found great satisfaction in the empty house, the silent rooms, and the freedom to read, write, and draw to his heart's content. This period of solitude was a time of great personal growth and self-discovery.

• He embraced solitude and found great satisfaction in it.
• He had the freedom to read, write, and draw.
• This was a time of great personal growth.

The World of Boxen. During this time, Lewis's imaginative world of Boxen continued to evolve, becoming more complex and detailed. This world, though separate from his real life, provided him with a sense of control and creativity. It was a place where he could explore his own ideas and feelings without the constraints of the outside world.

• His imaginative world of Boxen continued to evolve.
• It provided him with a sense of control and creativity.
• It was a place to explore his ideas and feelings.

9. The Great Knock: Logic, Atheism, and the Pursuit of Truth

You will often meet with characters in nature so extravagant that a discreet poet would not venture to set them upon the stage.

The Logical Entity. Lewis's tutor, Mr. Kirkpatrick, or "the Great Knock," was a man of pure logic, who valued truth above all else. He challenged Lewis's assumptions and forced him to think clearly and critically. This experience was a stark contrast to the emotionalism of his father and the superficiality of his school.

• Kirk was a man of pure logic, who valued truth above all else.
• He challenged Lewis's assumptions and forced him to think critically.
• This was a stark contrast to his previous experiences.

Atheism and Pessimism. Kirk was an Atheist and a pessimist, and his influence reinforced Lewis's own doubts about Christianity. He provided Lewis with fresh ammunition for his atheism, but also introduced him to the idea of a universe that was both grim and meaningless.

• Kirk was an Atheist and a pessimist.
• He reinforced Lewis's doubts about Christianity.
• He introduced him to a grim and meaningless universe.

The Value of Truth. Despite his atheism, Kirk taught Lewis the importance of intellectual honesty and the pursuit of truth. He valued clarity and precision in thought and language, and he instilled in Lewis a lifelong commitment to these values.

• Kirk taught him the importance of intellectual honesty.
• He valued clarity and precision in thought and language.
• He instilled a lifelong commitment to these values.

10. Fortune's Smile: Friendship, Beauty, and the Seeds of Doubt

The fields, the floods, the heavens, with one consent Did seeme to laugh on me, and favour mine intent.

The Gift of Friendship. Lewis's friendship with Arthur was a turning point in his life. They shared a love for Norse mythology and a deep appreciation for beauty. This friendship provided him with a sense of belonging and a shared understanding that he had never experienced before.

• His friendship with Arthur was a turning point.
• They shared a love for Norse mythology and beauty.
• This provided a sense of belonging and shared understanding.

The Beauty of Nature. Lewis's appreciation for nature deepened during this period. He learned to see beauty not just in the grand and sublime, but also in the ordinary and the homely. He found joy in the details of the landscape and the simple pleasures of life.

• He learned to see beauty in the ordinary and the homely.
• He found joy in the details of the landscape.
• He appreciated the simple pleasures of life.

The Seeds of Doubt. Despite the happiness of this period, Lewis began to experience a subtle unease. He found that his intellectual and imaginative lives were increasingly at odds with each other. He began to question the validity of his materialistic worldview and to wonder if there might be something more to reality than he had previously believed.

• His intellectual and imaginative lives were at odds.
• He began to question his materialistic worldview.
• He wondered if there might be something more to reality.

11. Check: The Lure of the Occult and the Return to the Real

When bale is at highest, boote is at next.

The Fading of Joy. Lewis's initial delight in Norse mythology began to fade, and he found himself trying to recapture the old thrill. This led him to focus on the experience itself, rather than the object of his desire, and to attempt to produce the feeling by sheer will power.

• His initial delight in Norse mythology began to fade.
• He tried to recapture the old thrill.
• He focused on the experience itself, rather than the object.

The Lure of the Occult. As his imaginative life became more strained, Lewis was drawn to the occult, seeking the preternatural as a way to recapture the lost joy. This led him to explore magic and other esoteric practices, but he soon realized that these were not the answer.

• He was drawn to the occult, seeking the preternatural.
• He explored magic and other esoteric practices.
• He realized that these were not the answer.

The Return to the Real. Through his experiences, Lewis came to understand that Joy was not a state of mind to be produced, but a desire for something external. He realized that the magical conclusion was just as irrelevant to Joy as the erotic conclusion had been. He began to see that the real Desirable was not to be found in the occult, but in something more real and more lasting.

• He understood that Joy was a desire for something external.
• He realized that the magical conclusion was irrelevant to Joy.
• He began to see that the real Desirable was more lasting.

12. Checkmate: The Inevitable Surrender and the Unexpected Grace

This wall I was many a weary month in finishing, and yet never thought myself safe till it was done.

The Turning Point. Lewis's life took a decisive turn when he encountered George MacDonald's Phantastes. This book, with its blend of faerie and holiness, resonated deeply with him, and he found that the light of Joy was now shining on the real world, transforming all common things.

• He encountered George MacDonald's Phantastes.
• The light of Joy was now shining on the real world.
• Common things were transformed by this light.

The Surrender. This experience led Lewis to a sense of surrender, a realization that he could not control the source of Joy. He understood that it was not something to be sought, but something to be received. This was a turning point in his spiritual journey, a move away from his self-centered pursuit of experience.

• He realized he could not control the source of Joy.
• It was something to be received, not sought.
• This was a turning point in his spiritual journey.

The Unexpected Grace. Lewis's journey was marked by a series of unexpected graces, moments of insight and understanding that came to him without his seeking them. These moments, like the encounter with Phantastes, revealed to him the true nature of Joy and the path that he was meant to follow.

• His journey was marked by unexpected graces.
• These moments revealed the true nature of Joy.
• They showed him the path he was meant to follow.

Last updated: March 31, 2025