Tías and Primas

1. Latina women embody complex multitudes beyond simple stereotypes.

And yet the women I know and love are so much more than those stereotypes.

Beyond narrow tropes. Latina women in media are often confined to limited stereotypes like the "spicy" vixen, the subservient maid, or the unruly chola. However, real women are vastly richer and more complex, containing multitudes of experiences, personalities, and pain. This book aims to reclaim these narratives, painting women as they truly are, not as reductive tropes.

Vast and multifaceted. The women who raised the author were funny, wicked, good, and held immense pain passed down through generations. They were products of trauma and resilience, kind yet sometimes mean, and beautiful in ways that defy simple categorization. They overflow the boxes society attempts to put them into.

A benchmark for identity. These women serve as a standard, a benchmark for understanding oneself, reflecting in behaviors, core beliefs, and worldviews. Their experiences, both wonderful and insidious, shaped the author and highlight the need to expand the vernacular to reckon with the messy realities that make us who we are.

2. Societal expectations deeply shape women's roles and relationships.

We misplace our anger about our roles in society onto one another.

Internalizing oppression. The family is the primary site of socialization, transmitting not just language but societal ideological codes. Women, subjected to sexism, homophobia, fatphobia, colonization, and the male gaze, often internalize these forces. Instead of uniting, they may recreate oppressive patterns and reinforce harmful thinking among themselves.

Clinging to rules. To cope with being discarded or limited by gender-based rearing, women may create their own worlds and cling to rules. These rules can erode friendships and create hierarchies, leading women to hate those who stand out or defy expectations too loudly. This misplaced anger stems from their own subjugation.

Fighting indoctrination. Women are constantly fighting indoctrination that tells them to be quiet, perfect, and take up limited space. This fight has numbing effects, leading to self-hatred and the perpetuation of harmful cycles. The book seeks to bring this struggle to the surface and critique family units that limit growth due to these ingrained patterns.

3. The pursuit of "perfection" or "dignity" often hides significant struggle.

Perfectionism is not something to admire; perfectionism reflects pressures to perform for others, and that is not a sign of a healthy adult person.

The perfect prima. This archetype is the pride of her parents, aiming to please and be respectful, always visible as the example others should emulate. She dresses modestly, is reliable, and follows societal rules, often becoming the oldest daughter who figures things out for everyone else. Her doting behavior is often mistaken for inherent goodness.

A heavy, hidden burden. The perfect prima carries a heavy burden of expectations, constantly working, giving, and performing to high standards set only for daughters. This relentless pursuit of perfection is indicative of traumatic parenting, where worth is tied to the ability to have needs go unmet. She learns to hide parts of herself and become easily unseen.

The dignified tía. This archetype, often an oldest daughter or matriarch-in-the-making, moves with pride mixed with rage, having learned to get up repeatedly after being knocked down by the world. She brandishes advice and oversteps out of a sense of responsibility, often treating others as she was treated. Her moral superiority stems from a sense of powerlessness, clinging to the one thing she could control.

4. Freedom and joy can emerge when women defy traditional paths.

Relieved of her duties, she finally discovers her freedom.

The widowed tía's liberation. The widowed tía, especially one who outlives her husband after a long marriage, often finds a profound sense of freedom and abundance. She builds a full life with friends, activities, and self-governance, appearing more alive and joyful than expected. This challenges societal narratives about life without men and highlights the unseen labor women carry in relationships.

Coming alive alone. Seeing a widowed tía thrive can be mesmerizing, suggesting that life without the weight of traditional wifely duties allows women to fully meet themselves. While she may have appropriately mourned, her rhythm found alone makes her bulletproof to judgment, embodying an intoxicating self-governance that is both admirable and enviable.

Challenging the "due" narrative. This newfound freedom, often achieved after fulfilling societal expectations of marriage and motherhood, raises questions about why women must "earn" their liberation through suffering or outliving a partner. It prompts reflection on whether all women deserve this same happiness and self-determination, regardless of marital status or age.

5. Challenging the status quo risks being labeled "loca" or ostracized.

Someone who disrupts the status quo must be shamed into submission.

Tu tía, la loca. This archetype is the outcast, the rejected tía who is an intentional agent of chaos, disrupting norms and challenging people's comfort zones. She is labeled "loca" to dismiss her, even though she harms no one and simply insists on finding out where discomfort comes from and questioning what she's been told.

Fighting for authenticity. La loca resists transforming herself into someone more palatable, seeing it as a form of dying. She fights years of girl-rearing and societal expectations, choosing instead to live authentically, even if it means feeling alone and being publicly shunned from family gatherings or community spaces.

A necessary disruption. Despite the fear she conjures in those who cling to the status quo, la tía loca provides a vital alternative model for younger generations. Her defiance, even when painful, shows what is possible when one refuses to be tamed. Her existence challenges the idea that women must conform to be accepted or valued.

6. Female relationships are crucial for support, healing, and resistance.

To love women is, at least in part, to perceive them with loving eyes.

Kitchen solidarity. In many Latin American households, women gather in the kitchen and dining room while men occupy the living room. These spaces become sites of female solidarity, where women come alive, share their lives, laugh, and offer support and advice. They become an army ready to defend one another.

Life-giving friendships. Close female friendships, like that between a mami and her "second mom tía," are life-giving and life-sustaining. These friends know each other deeply, offer alternative perspectives, and provide a safe space to shed the weight of adulthood and remember who they once were. They are each other's sacred space.

Healing in community. Healing from trauma, especially the wounds inflicted by societal expectations and conditional love, is best done in community with other women. Sharing experiences, offering tenderness, and challenging harmful norms together allows women to reclaim their agency and build a sense of belonging and unconditional acceptance.

7. Migration and technology redefine family connection across distance.

Migration means that we have to push past what is in front of us and attempt to remain in the lives of loved ones we may not get to see for decades.

Splintered families. Wars, political distress, and economic hardships often lead to migration, scattering families across countries and continents. This displacement creates physical distance that strains traditional family bonds and makes regular visits or reunions difficult due to cost and logistical barriers.

The WhatsApp tía. Technology, particularly apps like WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger, becomes a vital tool for maintaining connection across borders. The "WhatsApp tía" is an archetype who actively uses these platforms to stay in touch, sharing messages, photos, and memories to keep the bond alive and remind loved ones they are remembered.

Effort as resistance. This effort to remain tethered to family in the motherland is a form of resistance against the forces designed to disconnect immigrants. While later generations may struggle more with maintaining these distant connections due to assimilation, the WhatsApp tía's persistence highlights the importance of intentional effort in preserving family ties and cultural heritage.

8. Body image, beauty standards, and class are tools of oppression.

Whatever our size, many of us have been trained to see it as a choice and to see fatness as an irresponsible and immoral one.

The "te estás engordando" tía. This tía embodies normalized fatphobia, policing women's bodies and instilling shame about weight gain. Her comments reflect a culture that equates thinness with desirability and moral goodness, forcing women into a "diet panopticon" where they constantly monitor themselves and others.

Pretty privilege and colorism. The "pretty" prima, often possessing European-like features, represents a caste system where proximity to whiteness is valued as social capital. Her beauty is seen as a ticket out of poverty, leading parents to hyperfixate on her appearance and encourage her to "marry well," treating her as a pawn for upward mobility.

Systemic oppression. These archetypes reveal how body image, beauty standards, and class intersect with race and gender to create systems of oppression. Fatphobia leads to discrimination and poor healthcare, while colorism and pretty privilege reinforce the idea that value is tied to appearance and proximity to whiteness, often at the expense of a girl's agency and well-being.

9. Healing from trauma requires self-awareness and community.

Healing does not occur in isolation but with community.

The cost of resilience. Women often develop immense strength and resilience to navigate oppressive systems and personal traumas. However, this strength can come at a cost, leading to internalized pain, difficulty with vulnerability, and a tendency to push others away or lash out.

Breaking cycles. Recognizing how past traumas, often inflicted by well-meaning but wounded adults, manifest in current behaviors is crucial for healing. This requires self-awareness, sitting with discomfort, and challenging ingrained responses like judgment or emotional detachment.

Seeking connection. Whether it's the divorced tía learning to accept tenderness, the dignified tía softening her edges, or the prima who hated women finding solidarity, healing is facilitated by seeking connection with others, particularly other women who understand similar struggles. Community provides the support needed to process pain and build healthier ways of being.

10. Understanding our female kin illuminates our own journey and potential.

I am all of the women in this book, in one way or another.

Reflecting our archetypes. The women in our families and communities, with all their complexities, struggles, and strengths, serve as mirrors for our own inner lives. By examining their stories and the archetypes they embody, we gain insight into our own fears, challenges, qualities, and the forces that have shaped us.

Learning from their paths. Each tía and prima offers lessons, whether through their resilience, their defiance, their conformity, or their pain. Understanding their experiences helps us navigate our own paths, make different choices, challenge harmful norms, and aspire to a fuller, more authentic existence than might have been prescribed.

Building a better future. By naming the forces at play and humanizing the women who lived through them, we reclaim narratives and gain tools to push back against oppression. This understanding fosters compassion for ourselves and others, enabling us to build stronger connections, challenge systemic issues, and create a future where all women can exist fully and freely.

Last updated: May 14, 2025