Teaching Kids to Think

1. Parent Traps Hinder Children's Thinking

A parent trap is a situation in which parents are drawn to solve problems for their children or rescue them in a way that ultimately stifles growth opportunities.

Well-intentioned interference. Parents, driven by love and a desire to protect their children, often fall into "traps" that inadvertently hinder their children's development of critical thinking and problem-solving skills. These traps include rescuing children from challenges, hurrying to meet their needs, pressuring them to excel, giving them unearned rewards, and reacting out of guilt. These actions, while seemingly helpful, prevent children from learning to navigate the world independently.

Five common traps:

• The Rescue Trap: Solving problems for children instead of guiding them.
• The Hurried Trap: Meeting needs instantly, preventing patience.
• The Pressure Trap: Pushing children too fast, causing stress.
• The Giving Trap: Providing without requiring effort.
• The Guilt Trap: Reacting impulsively due to parental guilt.

Shifting from giving to guiding. Parents need to shift from providing solutions to assisting children in developing their own. This involves resisting the urge to immediately fix problems and instead, encouraging children to think critically, explore options, and learn from their experiences. This approach fosters self-reliance and resilience.

2. Rescuing Kids Misses Crucial Learning

When parents rescue their children, they prevent their children from figuring out how to solve problems.

Anxiety as a teacher. Anxiety, while uncomfortable, is a natural emotion that signals uncertainty. Parents often try to shield their children from anxiety by rescuing them from challenging situations. However, this prevents children from learning to cope with uncertainty and develop the confidence to solve problems independently.

Types of rescues:

• Skill Rescue: Doing tasks for children instead of letting them learn.
• Social Rescue: Intervening in peer conflicts instead of letting children navigate them.
• Academic Rescue: Doing schoolwork for children instead of supporting their learning.

Empowering self-reliance. Instead of rescuing, parents should support children in developing their own solutions. This involves listening, asking questions, and guiding them through the problem-solving process. This approach fosters self-confidence and the ability to handle future challenges.

3. Mistakes Are Stepping Stones, Not Stumbling Blocks

Telling children it is OK to make mistakes is also meaningless unless the children themselves are allowed to fix them.

Perfectionism's pitfalls. The pressure to be perfect, often stemming from parental anxieties, can hinder children's development. When parents try to prevent mistakes, they inadvertently teach children to fear failure and avoid challenges. This can lead to reluctance to try new things and a lack of confidence in their abilities.

Learning from errors. Mistakes are essential for learning and growth. Children need the opportunity to experience the consequences of their actions, both positive and negative, to develop a sense of responsibility and self-awareness. Parents should encourage children to fix their mistakes and learn from them.

Embracing imperfection. Parents should model acceptance of their own mistakes and encourage a growth mindset in their children. This involves focusing on the process of learning rather than solely on the outcome. It also means praising effort and resilience, not just achievement.

4. Developmental Stages Guide Expectations

Understanding what can be expected of children based on their age and developmental readiness is critical.

Predictable progression. Child development follows a predictable sequence of stages, each characterized by specific social, emotional, cognitive, and physical milestones. Understanding these stages helps parents set appropriate expectations and provide the right support at the right time.

Key developmental theories:

• Erikson's psychosocial stages: Focuses on social challenges at different ages.
• Piaget's cognitive stages: Focuses on how children's thinking changes.
• Kohlberg's moral stages: Focuses on how children develop a sense of right and wrong.

Tailoring support. Parents should tailor their parenting approach to their child's developmental stage. This involves providing opportunities for independence, encouraging exploration, and supporting the development of problem-solving skills. It also means resisting the urge to push children too fast or protect them from age-appropriate challenges.

5. Brain Development Needs Practice, Not Protection

During the critical period, the connections between synapses are enhanced by experience.

Critical periods. Brain development is not a linear process. There are critical periods when the brain is particularly receptive to certain types of learning. During these periods, experiences have a peak effect on the development of specific skills, such as language and executive functioning.

Executive functioning:

• Planning, organizing, multitasking, and decision-making.
• Develops rapidly in adolescence and continues into young adulthood.
• Strengthened through practice and experience.

"Use it or lose it." Synapses that are not used are "pruned" away. This means that if children are not exposed to experiences that promote executive functioning during the critical period, they may have difficulty developing these skills later in life. Parents should provide opportunities for children to practice problem-solving, planning, and decision-making.

6. Success Requires Character, Not Just Grades

The most common characteristics include resilience, critical thinking, and a willingness to take responsibility.

Beyond academics. While academic achievement is important, it is not the sole predictor of success in college and life. Teachers and employers emphasize the importance of character traits such as resilience, internal motivation, perseverance, positive social skills, and independent problem-solving ability.

Character over grades. Parents often focus on grades and test scores, but these are merely indicators of academic performance. They do not reflect the character traits that are essential for navigating the challenges of adulthood. Parents should prioritize the development of these traits over academic achievement.

Developing character. Parents can foster character development by providing opportunities for children to take responsibility, make decisions, and learn from their mistakes. This involves resisting the urge to rescue them from challenges and instead, supporting their efforts to overcome them.

7. Technology: Tool or Trap?

The convenience that accompanies smartphones has strengthened the need for instant gratification even more.

Double-edged sword. Technology, while offering many benefits, can also hinder the development of critical thinking and problem-solving skills. The constant availability of information and instant solutions can reduce the need for children to think for themselves.

Negative impacts:

• Reduced working memory due to reliance on technology.
• Decreased opportunities for problem-solving and decision-making.
• Increased need for instant gratification.
• Missed social cues due to reliance on text messaging.

Responsible use. Parents should guide children in using technology responsibly. This involves setting limits on screen time, encouraging face-to-face interactions, and promoting the use of technology for learning and creativity. It also means teaching children to be critical consumers of online information.

8. Athletics: More Than Just a Game

Athletics provides more than just fun.

Life lessons through sports. Organized sports offer valuable opportunities for children to develop teamwork, work ethic, communication skills, and resilience. These skills are transferable to other areas of life, including school, work, and relationships.

Beyond the game:

• Teamwork: Learning to work with others towards a common goal.
• Work ethic: Understanding the value of practice and dedication.
• Communication: Developing effective verbal and nonverbal skills.
• Resilience: Learning to cope with setbacks and challenges.

Parental support. Parents should support their children's participation in sports by encouraging effort, praising teamwork, and allowing them to learn from both successes and failures. They should also avoid over-involvement and allow coaches to do their job.

9. Substance Use: A Symptom of Unmet Needs

This generation of kids is so vulnerable to substance use and what to do about it.

Vulnerability factors. The Instant Gratification Generation is particularly vulnerable to substance use due to their low tolerance for frustration, impulsivity, and desire for immediate gratification. They may turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with stress, boredom, or social pressures.

Underlying issues:

• Lack of problem-solving skills.
• Low self-esteem and social anxiety.
• Desire for instant gratification and escape.
• Denial and rationalization of substance use.

Prevention and intervention. Parents should be aware of the signs of substance use and have open and honest conversations with their children about the risks. They should also set clear limits and expectations and provide support for children to develop healthy coping mechanisms.

10. Launch Readiness: A Lifelong Process

We want to discourage a reaction of resignation when they don’t think of a solution right away or if they find their path is different than what they expected.

Beyond high school. Preparing children for adulthood is a lifelong process that extends beyond high school graduation. Parents should continue to support their children in developing the skills and character traits necessary for success in college, career, and life.

Key areas of focus:

• Driving: A responsibility that requires planning, organization, and decision-making.
• Money management: Learning to budget, save, and spend responsibly.
• Balancing responsibilities: Managing school, work, and personal life.
• Problem-solving: Developing the ability to navigate challenges independently.

Embracing different paths. Parents should support their children in exploring different options for higher education and career paths. This involves recognizing that a traditional four-year college is not the only path to success and that there are many ways to achieve personal fulfillment.

Last updated: January 24, 2025