The Beauty of What Remains

1. Death teaches us to live fully and love deeply

"If it be your will / That I speak no more / And my voice be still / As it was before / I will speak no more / I shall abide until / I am spoken for / If it be your will"

Death as life's greatest teacher. The inevitability of death forces us to confront our mortality and reassess our priorities. It teaches us to:

• Cherish relationships and spend quality time with loved ones
• Pursue meaningful experiences rather than material possessions
• Live authentically and embrace our true selves
• Find purpose and leave a positive legacy

By accepting death as a natural part of life, we can paradoxically live more fully and love more deeply. This perspective shift allows us to appreciate the present moment and make the most of our limited time on earth.

2. Showing up matters most in times of loss

"I have seen more than a thousand dead bodies, more than enough to know that a body is not a person. It is a vessel. There is so much more to us than our physical presence."

Presence trumps perfection. When someone is dying or grieving, the most important thing we can do is simply show up. This means:

• Being physically present, even if you don't know what to say
• Listening without judgment and allowing space for emotions
• Offering practical support (e.g., meals, childcare, errands)
• Sharing memories and stories about the deceased

Showing up demonstrates that you care and provides comfort to those who are suffering. It's not about having the right words or solving problems, but about being a compassionate presence during difficult times.

3. People tend to die as they lived

"Most people die exactly the way they live. This is sometimes terrible and sometimes beautiful, but it is almost always true."

Consistency in life and death. Our core personality traits, values, and relationships often remain consistent as we approach death. This means:

• A kind person will likely remain kind in their final days
• Difficult relationships may not magically improve
• Personal beliefs and philosophies tend to persist

Understanding this can help us:

• Set realistic expectations for end-of-life experiences
• Focus on living authentically and nurturing important relationships now
• Prepare for our own death by aligning our actions with our values

4. Quality of life trumps quantity in end-of-life decisions

"Is what you are thinking of doing going to prolong his life or prolong his death?"

Prioritize comfort and dignity. When facing terminal illness or old age, the focus should shift from prolonging life at all costs to ensuring quality of life and a dignified death. This involves:

• Having honest conversations about end-of-life wishes
• Creating advance directives and appointing healthcare proxies
• Considering palliative care and hospice options
• Balancing medical interventions with comfort measures

By prioritizing quality over quantity, we can help ensure that our loved ones' final days are as peaceful and meaningful as possible.

5. Eulogies reveal the essence of a person's life

"A eulogy reveals the truths of a person's life, a person's true story."

Distilling a life's meaning. Eulogies offer a unique opportunity to reflect on what truly matters in a person's life. They often highlight:

• Relationships and love
• Personal qualities and character traits
• Achievements and contributions to others
• Memorable moments and stories

Writing or delivering a eulogy can be a powerful exercise in understanding what we value most in life. It encourages us to consider how we want to be remembered and what legacy we wish to leave behind.

6. Rituals and community support are crucial for grief healing

"A man whose thirty-year-old daughter died in a car accident said at the shiva as he looked around the room at the people who came to comfort him, 'This changes nothing. But it means everything.'"

Structured healing process. Mourning rituals and community support play a vital role in the grieving process by:

• Providing a structured framework for expressing emotions
• Creating a sense of connection and shared experience
• Offering practical support during a difficult time
• Honoring the memory of the deceased

Examples of helpful rituals and support:

• Funeral or memorial services
• Shiva (Jewish mourning period)
• Support groups
• Annual remembrance gatherings

These practices help mourners feel less alone and provide a path forward through grief.

7. Grief is a nonlinear journey that reshapes our world

"Grief is surprising. Not at first, when you are prepared for it to pick you up and slam you against the rocky shore, but later, in a month or two or ten."

Unpredictable emotional landscape. Grief is not a linear process with clear stages, but rather a complex and ongoing journey that can:

• Come in waves, often triggered by unexpected reminders
• Change our perspective on life and what matters most
• Reshape our identity and relationships
• Continue indefinitely, though its intensity may lessen over time

Understanding the unpredictable nature of grief can help us:

• Be patient and compassionate with ourselves and others
• Recognize that healing is not about "getting over" the loss
• Seek support when needed, even long after the initial loss

8. Material possessions matter less than meaningful experiences

"Nobody wants your crap!"

Prioritize experiences over things. As we face mortality, we often realize that material possessions are far less important than the experiences and relationships we've cultivated. This insight can guide us to:

• Invest in creating memories with loved ones
• Pursue passion projects and personal growth
• Simplify our lives and declutter
• Focus on giving and serving others

By shifting our focus from accumulating things to accumulating experiences, we can lead more fulfilling lives and leave a meaningful legacy.

9. Creating an ethical will preserves your legacy

"Your ideals and your words will mean more than anything else you leave your loved ones."

Passing on values and wisdom. An ethical will, unlike a legal will, focuses on transmitting your beliefs, values, and life lessons to future generations. It can:

• Provide guidance and inspiration to loved ones
• Share family history and traditions
• Express love and gratitude
• Offer forgiveness or seek reconciliation

Creating an ethical will encourages reflection on what truly matters in life and helps ensure that your most important "assets" – your wisdom and values – are passed on to those you love.

10. Memory keeps our loved ones alive after death

"If we remember, nothing can ever take our sunshine away."

Living legacy through remembrance. Although physical death is inevitable, our loved ones can continue to influence and inspire us through memory. This ongoing connection can:

• Provide comfort and guidance in difficult times
• Inspire us to live up to their example or values
• Keep family stories and traditions alive
• Help us process grief and find meaning in loss

By actively remembering and honoring those we've lost, we keep a part of them alive within us and allow their influence to continue shaping our lives and the world around us.

Last updated: November 21, 2024