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The Betrayal Bind

The Betrayal Bind

How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Hurts You the Worst
by Michelle Mays 2023 364 pages
4.67
100+ ratings
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Key Takeaways

1. Betrayal Creates a Three-Fold Injury: Attachment, Emotional, and Sexual

Such a trauma shatters everything, including a sense of self, sense of safety, sense of connection with self and others and our higher power or God.

Intertwined injuries. Betrayal inflicts a unique combination of wounds: an attachment injury that damages the relational bond, an emotional and psychological injury from deceit and manipulation, and a sexual injury that impacts intimacy and self-perception. These injuries are not isolated but rather interwoven, creating a complex web of trauma.

Attachment injury. The core of this injury lies in the violation of trust and safety within the primary relationship. The secure base is shattered, leading to feelings of anxiety, fear, and desperation. This damage to the relational bond is the foundation upon which the other injuries build.

Emotional and psychological injury. This injury stems from the lies, manipulation, and coercion used to conceal the betrayal. The betrayed partner's sense of reality is distorted, leading to confusion, self-doubt, and a loss of trust in their own perceptions. This manipulation can be a form of emotional and psychological abuse.

2. Attachment Styles Shape Reactions to Betrayal

Those traumas that involve betrayal cut us off from connection with others and even a basic sense of ‘being’ within ourselves.

Attachment styles. Our early childhood experiences shape our attachment styles, influencing how we form and maintain relationships as adults. Secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles each manifest differently in the face of betrayal. Understanding these styles provides insight into individual reactions and coping mechanisms.

Secure attachment. Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to seek support and connection in healthy ways, while maintaining a sense of self-worth. They are more resilient and able to navigate the challenges of betrayal with greater emotional stability.

Insecure attachment. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles can exacerbate the trauma of betrayal. Anxiously attached individuals may become clingy and preoccupied, while avoidant individuals may withdraw and suppress their emotions. These insecure attachment styles can hinder the healing process.

3. Attachment Ambivalence: The Push-Pull After Discovery

Those traumas that involve betrayal cut us off from connection with others and even a basic sense of ‘being’ within ourselves.

Conflicting needs. Betrayal creates a state of attachment ambivalence, where the betrayed partner simultaneously desires connection and safety from the very person who has caused them harm. This push-pull dynamic leads to confusion, emotional turmoil, and inconsistent behavior.

Attachment system activation. The attachment system, designed to seek comfort and security from a primary attachment figure, is activated by the distress of betrayal. However, the source of comfort is also the source of pain, creating a conflict between the need for connection and the need for self-protection.

The cycle of ambivalence. This push-pull dynamic often manifests as a cyclical pattern of seeking connection, experiencing a trigger or reminder of the betrayal, distancing oneself for safety, and then returning to seek connection again. This cycle can be exhausting and emotionally draining.

4. Shame Binds Betrayed Partners

Shame is a liar and a story-stealer.

Relational shame. Shame, a deeply relational emotion, arises from the experience of disconnection in a moment of need. Betrayal triggers shame by shattering the sense of worthiness and belonging, leading to feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, and self-loathing.

Attachment shame bind. Betrayed partners often find themselves in a shame bind, where both connection and disconnection trigger feelings of shame. Connecting with the betrayer can lead to shame about self-respect and dignity, while disconnecting can lead to shame about worthiness and lovability.

Carried shame. Betrayed partners often carry the shame that belongs to the cheating partner, internalizing the belief that they are somehow responsible for the betrayal. This carried shame can negatively impact self-perception, sexuality, and relationships.

5. Gaslighting Distorts Reality

The language you speak is made up of words that are killing you.

Forms of gaslighting. Gaslighting, a form of emotional and psychological manipulation, involves distorting the betrayed partner's sense of reality. This can take various forms, including outright lies, reality manipulation, scapegoating, and coercion.

Impact of gaslighting. Gaslighting erodes trust, self-confidence, and mental stability. It can lead to feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and a sense of losing one's grip on reality. The betrayed partner may begin to question their own perceptions and memories.

Reclaiming reality. Healing from gaslighting involves identifying the tactics used, validating one's own experiences, and seeking support from trusted sources. Rebuilding trust in oneself and one's perceptions is crucial for reclaiming a sense of reality.

6. Betrayal Blindness: An Adaptive but Limiting Response

Denial is the worst form of the truth.

Protective mechanism. Betrayal blindness, an adaptive coping strategy, involves blocking awareness of the betrayal to preserve the attachment relationship. This can manifest as dissociation, emotional numbing, or rationalization.

Attachment-driven. Betrayal blindness is driven by the need to maintain connection with the primary attachment figure, even when that figure is the source of harm. The closer and more dependent the relationship, the stronger the tendency toward betrayal blindness.

Limitations of blindness. While betrayal blindness may provide temporary relief, it ultimately hinders healing by preventing the betrayed partner from fully processing the trauma and making informed decisions about the relationship. Overcoming betrayal blindness requires confronting the painful reality and seeking support to navigate the emotional challenges.

7. Emotional Dysregulation and Relational Disconnection are Core Impacts

Helplessness and isolation are the core experience of psychological trauma. Empowerment and reconnection are the core experience of recovery.

Complex trauma reactions. Betrayal leads to complex trauma, characterized by emotional dysregulation and relational disconnection. Emotional dysregulation involves difficulties managing emotions, attention, and physical symptoms. Relational disconnection involves alterations in self-perception, perception of the betrayer, relationships with others, and systems of meaning.

Emotional dysregulation. This includes difficulty regulating affective impulses, alterations in attention and consciousness, and somatization or medical problems. The body's threat response system becomes chronically activated, leading to anxiety, hypervigilance, and physical symptoms.

Relational disconnection. This includes alterations in self-perception, perception of the perpetrator, relationships with others, and systems of meaning. The betrayed partner may experience a loss of self, a distorted view of the betrayer, difficulty trusting others, and a crisis of faith or meaning.

8. Reclaiming Power and Voice is Essential for Healing

The plot of our lives is largely out of our control. We decide only the response of the main character.

Moving from powerlessness. A key aspect of healing involves reclaiming personal power and agency. This requires shifting from reactive coping strategies to proactive choices that prioritize self-care, boundary setting, and assertive communication.

Using your voice. Learning to use one's voice effectively is crucial for reclaiming power. This involves expressing needs, setting boundaries, and communicating feelings in a clear and assertive manner. It also involves challenging gaslighting and holding the betrayer accountable.

Empowered choices. Making empowered choices involves aligning actions with values and prioritizing self-respect. This may involve staying in the relationship and working toward repair, or it may involve leaving the relationship and creating a new life. The key is to make a conscious and deliberate choice based on one's own needs and desires.

9. Sexual Safety is Paramount

Sex, after all, is one of the great acts of communication.

Sexual injury. Betrayal inflicts a sexual injury, impacting desire, arousal, intimacy, and self-perception. Reclaiming sexual safety involves addressing these wounds and creating a new, healthy sexual relationship, whether with the same partner or a new one.

Rebuilding trust. Rebuilding sexual trust requires honesty, transparency, and a willingness to address the underlying issues that contributed to the betrayal. It also involves creating a safe and supportive environment for open communication and exploration.

Sexual self-discovery. Reclaiming one's sexuality may involve exploring personal desires, preferences, and boundaries. This can be a process of self-discovery and empowerment, leading to a more fulfilling and authentic sexual life.

10. The Braving Hope™ Process: A Path Through Betrayal

The life you are negotiating to save, after all, is your own.

Six phases of healing. The Braving Hope™ Process outlines six phases of healing from betrayal: devastation, realization, stabilization, reimagining, creating, and flourishing. Each phase involves specific tasks and outcomes that contribute to the overall healing journey.

Devastation and realization. These initial phases involve coping with the immediate crisis, understanding the scope of the betrayal, and acknowledging the need for long-term healing.

Stabilization and reimagining. These middle phases involve developing coping skills, setting boundaries, reclaiming power, and reimagining a new future.

Creating and flourishing. These final phases involve building a new life, creating healthy relationships, and experiencing joy, fulfillment, and personal growth.

Last updated:

FAQ

1. What is The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays about?

  • Focus on betrayal trauma: The book explores how to heal when the person you love the most hurts you the worst, with a special focus on sexual betrayal in romantic relationships.
  • Attachment-based healing model: Michelle Mays uses attachment theory to explain the trauma of betrayal and the necessity of relational connection for recovery.
  • Three core injuries: The book identifies attachment injury, emotional and psychological injury, and sexual injury as the intertwined wounds of betrayal.
  • Comprehensive roadmap: It offers a structured healing journey, including the Braving Hope™ Process, to guide betrayed partners from devastation to flourishing.

2. Why should I read The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays?

  • Unique relational perspective: The book shifts the understanding of betrayal trauma from a fear-based model to a relational, attachment-focused approach.
  • Practical healing tools: Readers gain actionable strategies for creating safety, rebuilding trust, and reclaiming their sense of self after betrayal.
  • Support for all roles: Whether you are a betrayed partner, the cheating partner, a therapist, or a support person, the book provides insights and tools for navigating betrayal.
  • Empowerment and hope: It emphasizes authentic hope and empowerment, guiding readers to reclaim their core self and build secure bonds.

3. What are the key takeaways from The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays?

  • Understanding complex trauma: Betrayal causes intertwined attachment, emotional, and sexual injuries that require nuanced, relational healing.
  • Attachment needs are central: Healing must address core needs for belonging, significance, and safety, not just symptom management.
  • Step-by-step recovery: The Braving Hope™ Process offers a six-phase roadmap from devastation to flourishing, with specific tasks and outcomes.
  • Empowerment through boundaries: Setting boundaries, reclaiming power, and facing fear are essential steps toward recovery and self-restoration.

4. What are the three core injuries described in The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays, and why are they important?

  • Attachment injury: This is the profound damage to the relational bond caused by betrayal, leading to deep disconnection and distress.
  • Emotional and psychological injury: Chronic lying, manipulation, and gaslighting erode the betrayed partner’s sense of reality and mental health.
  • Sexual injury: Betrayal disrupts the betrayed partner’s sexuality, damaging trust, safety, and their sexual self.
  • Interconnected trauma: These injuries intertwine, creating a complex trauma that requires a comprehensive, relational approach to healing.

5. What is the Braving Hope™ Treatment Model in The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays?

  • Attachment-based healing: The model centers on building secure bonds with self, others, and a higher power as the foundation for recovery.
  • Six structured phases: The process includes devastation, realization, stabilization, reimagining, creating, and flourishing, each with clear goals and tasks.
  • Core healing elements: It emphasizes understanding attachment motivations, accessing validation, connecting to core emotions, and building resilience.
  • Empowerment focus: The model guides betrayed partners from powerlessness to empowerment, helping them reclaim their voice and make informed choices.

6. How does The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays define and address betrayal blindness?

  • Protective coping mechanism: Betrayal blindness is when betrayed partners unconsciously block awareness of betrayal to preserve attachment and avoid overwhelming pain.
  • Manifestations: It can appear as obsessive searching, retelling betrayal details, or creating chaos to distract from emotions.
  • Therapeutic approach: Healing requires gentle, step-by-step work, often with group or individual therapy, to increase awareness and process emotions.
  • Impact on recovery: Recognizing and addressing betrayal blindness is crucial for moving out of denial and beginning authentic healing.

7. What is attachment ambivalence in The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays, and how does it affect betrayed partners?

  • Definition of ambivalence: Attachment ambivalence is the simultaneous experience of positive and negative feelings toward the cheating partner, creating emotional conflict.
  • Conflicting internal systems: The attachment system seeks connection for safety, while the threat system urges withdrawal, resulting in a no-win dilemma.
  • Cycle of connection and disconnection: Betrayed partners oscillate between seeking closeness and needing distance, leading to intense emotional turmoil.
  • Impact on healing: This ambivalence complicates decision-making and prolongs the healing process.

8. How does The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays explain the role of shame in betrayal trauma and recovery?

  • Attachment shame: Betrayed partners experience shame tied to their connection and disconnection with the cheating partner, questioning their worth and dignity.
  • Shame bind: Shame arises both when distancing (feeling unworthy) and reconnecting (feeling undignified), trapping partners in a painful cycle.
  • Carried shame: Betrayed partners often internalize shame that belongs to the cheating partner, which must be consciously released for healing.
  • Path to self-worth: Reclaiming self-worth involves recognizing and giving back carried shame, and building dignity through boundaries and self-care.

9. What are the common trauma symptoms and coping patterns after betrayal, according to The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays?

  • Emotional dysregulation: Betrayed partners often experience intense emotions, difficulty concentrating, and physical health issues due to chronic stress.
  • Behavioral coping patterns: Common patterns include battling for empathy, repudiating shame, and attempting to control or shame the cheating partner.
  • Need for healthy coping: The book emphasizes replacing reactive behaviors with strategies that calm the nervous system and support attachment needs.
  • Cycle of reactivity: Without intervention, these patterns can perpetuate trauma and hinder recovery.

10. What healthy coping strategies does The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays recommend for betrayed partners?

  • Calm the body: Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, gentle exercise, and sensory soothing help regulate the nervous system.
  • Build alternative safe bases: Connecting with therapists, support groups, and safe friends provides relational grounding when the partner is not safe.
  • Set boundaries and reclaim power: Learning to set effective boundaries and making conscious choices are vital for healing and empowerment.
  • Solo self-care: Reclaiming sexual and emotional safety may begin with solo practices to rebuild confidence and self-connection.

11. How does The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays address the sexual injury caused by betrayal and the process of sexual healing?

  • Sex as core attachment need: Sexuality is deeply tied to belonging and significance, making betrayal especially wounding.
  • Common sexual patterns: The book identifies patterns like “normal” sex alongside cheating, no sex, objectified sex, and duty sex, each with unique impacts.
  • Sexual trauma symptoms: Betrayed partners may experience avoidance, negative feelings with touch, loss of sexual voice, and carried sexual shame.
  • Healing process: Recovery involves reclaiming sexual voice and power, addressing shame, and gradually reengaging sexually with safety and support.

12. What are the best quotes from The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays, and what do they mean?

  • “It is when the fear of losing themselves is greater than the fear of abandonment that [betrayed partners] are most apt to begin their own recovery process.” — Claudia Black, PhD: Healing starts when self-preservation outweighs fear of relational loss.
  • “When desire is bent by our sense that the world is one of scarcity, it devolves into devouring.” — Curt Thompson: Unmet attachment needs can distort desire, leading to harmful behaviors.
  • “We do the thing we are afraid to do.”: Facing fear directly is essential for breaking free from paralysis and moving toward healing.
  • “No matter how hard or horrific the truth you are naming with your client, the act of naming what is true always brings hope.”: Truth and validation are powerful tools for overcoming betrayal trauma.
  • “This has not been about stripping you, taking away from you, robbing you of what you desire. This has been about saving you. I am giving to you, not taking away.”: Betrayal, while painful, can be transformative and lead to self-discovery and growth.

Review Summary

4.67 out of 5
Average of 100+ ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.

The Betrayal Bind receives overwhelmingly positive reviews, with readers praising its compassionate and insightful approach to healing from betrayal trauma. Many find the book validates their experiences, offering a clear path forward through the author's Braving Hope Treatment Model. Readers appreciate the focus on attachment theory and the comprehensive explanation of betrayal's impact. The book is lauded for its practical advice, whether choosing to stay in or leave a relationship. Some reviewers note it as life-changing, providing hope and empowerment to those struggling with betrayal.

Your rating:
4.79
26 ratings

About the Author

Michelle Mays is a therapist and author specializing in betrayal trauma and recovery. She brings both professional expertise and personal experience to her work, having gone through betrayal herself. Mays developed the Braving Hope Treatment Model, which forms the basis of her approach to healing from betrayal. She is known for her compassionate and validating style, as well as her ability to explain complex psychological concepts in accessible ways. Mays is active in sharing her knowledge through books, podcasts, and online resources, aiming to help individuals navigate the difficult journey of healing from betrayal trauma.

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