The Come as You Are Workbook

1. Your Sexual Brain is Complex and Context-Sensitive

"People vary—that is, they're different from each other, and also they change across time."

Brain's Sexual Mechanism. The sexual brain operates through a dual control model with an accelerator (things that turn you on) and brakes (things that turn you off). This means sexual response isn't uniform but highly individualized and context-dependent.

Key Characteristics of Sexual Response:

• Varies dramatically between individuals
• Influenced by current emotional and physical context
• Not a fixed, predictable system
• Shaped by personal history and learning

Complexity of Sexual Response. Understanding sexuality requires acknowledging its nuanced nature. No universal "right" way exists, only individual experiences that are valid and normal. The brain's sexual response is more about context and personal comfort than standardized expectations.

2. Understanding Sexual Arousal Isn't About Genitals, But Brain

"Bodies don't say yes or no; they say sex-related or not sex-related."

Arousal Nonconcordance. Genital response doesn't necessarily indicate desire, pleasure, or consent. Physical reactions can occur independently of emotional experience, which is crucial for understanding sexual experiences.

Important Distinctions:

• Genital response ≠ Desire
• Physical reaction ≠ Emotional experience
• Arousal ≠ Pleasure
• Consent is always verbal and enthusiastic

Implications for Understanding Sexuality. Recognizing that bodily responses are complex and not always aligned with emotional experience helps create more compassionate, nuanced conversations about sexuality, consent, and personal experience.

3. Body Shame Blocks Sexual Pleasure

"Hating your body only hits the brake."

Body Criticism Disrupts Sexuality. Self-judgment and negative body image directly interfere with sexual pleasure by activating stress responses and shutting down arousal mechanisms.

Strategies for Body Positivity:

• Practice non-judgmental body observation
• Recognize cultural beauty standards as artificial
• Focus on body functionality over appearance
• Cultivate gratitude for bodily experiences

Transformative Approach. Developing a compassionate relationship with one's body is crucial for sexual wellbeing. This involves seeing the body as an ally, not an adversary, and celebrating its unique capabilities.

4. Cultural Messages Distort Sexual Expectations

"When the script doesn't seem to match your experience, the script is wrong, not you."

Cultural Scripts Impact Sexual Experience. Societal narratives about sexuality often create unrealistic, restrictive expectations that can cause significant psychological distress and sexual dysfunction.

Common Problematic Scripts:

• Men's sexuality is simple, women's is complex
• Orgasm is central to sexual satisfaction
• Sex should always look a certain way
• Spontaneous desire is the only "normal" desire

Challenging Narratives. By recognizing these scripts as constructed rather than factual, individuals can liberate themselves from harmful expectations and embrace their unique sexual experiences.

5. Stress and Emotional Context Dramatically Impact Sexuality

"Stress is a biological reaction that alters your physiology, including brain functioning, to let you know your body is not safe right now."

Stress Blocks Sexual Response. Emotional and physiological stress directly interferes with sexual arousal by activating the body's threat-response systems.

Stress Management Strategies:

• Complete stress response cycles
• Practice mindfulness
• Engage in physical movement
• Prioritize emotional connection
• Create low-stress, trusting environments

Holistic Sexual Wellness. Managing stress isn't just about reducing tension, but creating contexts where individuals feel safe, valued, and comfortable exploring sexuality.

6. Desire is More Complicated Than Spontaneous Arousal

"Pleasure is the measure of sexual wellbeing."

Desire Styles Vary. Sexual desire isn't uniform but comes in different styles, primarily spontaneous (sudden urge) and responsive (emerging from pleasure).

Desire Dynamics:

• Responsive desire is as valid as spontaneous
• Pleasure, not frequency, defines sexual satisfaction
• Context significantly influences desire
• Communication and mutual understanding are crucial

Reframing Expectations. Understanding desire as contextual and personal helps couples develop more compassionate, flexible approaches to sexual connection.

7. Orgasms Are Unique and Personal Experiences

"All orgasms are different, and there is no 'better' kind of orgasm."

Orgasm Diversity. Orgasms are highly individual experiences that cannot be standardized or compared across individuals.

Orgasm Characteristics:

• Vary in sensation and intensity
• Can be generated through multiple stimulation types
• Not always the primary goal of sexual experience
• Influenced by emotional and physical context

Expanding Sexual Understanding. Recognizing orgasmic diversity helps reduce performance anxiety and promotes a more exploratory, pleasure-centered approach to sexuality.

8. Consent and Sexual Response Are Not the Same Thing

"Survivors know they didn't want it or like it and still sometimes their bodies respond."

Bodily Response Doesn't Equal Consent. Physiological arousal does not indicate willingness or enjoyment, which is crucial for understanding sexual assault and trauma.

Key Principles:

• Consent is always verbal and enthusiastic
• Bodily responses can be involuntary
• Trauma can complicate sexual response
• Believing survivors is paramount

Compassionate Understanding. Separating physiological response from emotional experience allows for more nuanced, supportive conversations about sexual trauma.

9. Sexuality is About Pleasure, Not Performance

"Your pleasure belongs to you, to share or keep as you choose."

Redefining Sexual Success. Sexual experiences should be measured by personal satisfaction and connection, not external performance metrics.

Pleasure-Centered Approach:

• Prioritize individual comfort
• Remove obligation and expectation
• Focus on mutual enjoyment
• Embrace diverse sexual expressions

Liberating Perspective. By shifting from performance to pleasure, individuals can develop more authentic, satisfying sexual experiences.

10. Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Are Key to Sexual Wellbeing

"You were born entitled to all the pleasure your body can feel."

Mindful Sexuality. Developing a compassionate, curious approach to one's sexual experience promotes healing, exploration, and personal growth.

Mindfulness Strategies:

• Practice non-judgmental awareness
• Explore sensations without expectation
• Cultivate body acceptance
• Reduce performance anxiety
• Embrace individual sexual experiences

Transformative Practice. Mindfulness allows individuals to reconnect with their bodies, reduce shame, and develop more authentic sexual experiences.

Last updated: December 26, 2024