The Examined Life

1. Unspoken Stories Shape Us: Our deepest wounds often lack words.

Experience has taught me that our childhoods leave in us stories like this – stories we never found a way to voice, because no one helped us to find the words.

The Power of the Unsaid. Many of our behaviors stem from childhood experiences we haven't fully processed or articulated. These unspoken stories manifest as dreams, symptoms, and actions we don't understand. Psychoanalysis aims to bring these hidden narratives to light.

Peter's Case. The story of Peter, who faked his own death, illustrates this point. His violent behavior and need to shock stemmed from early childhood trauma he couldn't verbalize. Only through analysis did he uncover the violence and neglect he experienced as an infant.

Finding the Language. The key to healing lies in finding the language to express these unspoken stories. When we can articulate our sorrows, we gain control over them, rather than being controlled by them. Therapy provides a space to develop this language and rewrite our internal narratives.

2. Laughter as Defense: Humor can mask pain, hindering true understanding.

Your jokes defuse your anger, but they defuse it to the point that I just accept my parents’ behavior. I stop thinking about it.

Humor as a Shield. Laughter can be a powerful defense mechanism, deflecting anger and pain. While it provides temporary relief, it can also prevent us from confronting underlying issues and achieving deeper understanding.

Lily's Comic Bits. Lily, who joked about her difficult relationship with her parents, exemplifies this. Her humor served as a coping mechanism, but it also prevented her from fully processing her hurt and anger. The jokes defused her anger to the point that she just accepted her parents' behavior and stopped thinking about it.

The Violence of Punchlines. The word "punchline" itself hints at the aggression inherent in humor. While jokes can be a way of getting revenge, they can also short-circuit the process of genuine emotional processing and resolution.

3. Praise Can Hinder: Empty praise is indifference; presence builds confidence.

If we do it to avoid thinking about our child and her world, and about what our child feels, then praise, just like criticism, is ultimately expressing our indifference.

The Pitfalls of Praise. Overly praising children, especially for innate qualities like intelligence, can be detrimental. It can lead to anxiety, fear of failure, and a reluctance to take risks. Children praised for being "clever" may become more concerned with maintaining that image than with learning and growing.

The Value of Presence. True confidence comes not from empty praise, but from genuine attentiveness. Being present with a child, observing their activities, and listening to their thoughts communicates that they are valued and worth thinking about.

Charlotte Stiglitz's Wisdom. Charlotte Stiglitz, an experienced educator, emphasized the importance of praising effort and resilience, rather than innate abilities. She also highlighted the power of simple gratitude and acknowledgment of a child's patience.

4. Pain as a Gift: Emotional pain, though unpleasant, guides us.

If I had one gift which I could give to people with leprosy, it would be the gift of pain.

The Function of Pain. Emotional pain, like physical pain, serves a vital function. It alerts us to problems, guides us away from danger, and motivates us to seek help. Suppressing or ignoring our pain can lead to further damage.

Matt's Indifference. Matt, who had a history of trauma and self-destructive behavior, seemed strangely indifferent to his own situation. He lacked the ability to make others worry about him, and he didn't register his own emotions.

Psychological Leprosy. Matt suffered from a kind of "psychological leprosy," unable to feel his emotional pain. This made him vulnerable to further self-harm and prevented him from seeking meaningful connection and support.

5. Safe Houses of the Mind: Fantasies offer refuge, revealing deeper needs.

It’s my safe house.

Escapism and Safety. Fantasies can serve as "safe houses" in our minds, offering refuge from anxiety, anger, and the perceived intolerability of reality. These mental constructs often reveal our deepest needs and desires.

The House in France. A patient's obsession with a house in France, which he incessantly redecorated in his mind, illustrates this point. The house represented a place of peace, safety, and control, a stark contrast to the chaos and stress of his daily life.

Magic Doors. The patient's fantasy also included a "magic door" that could transport him to his safe house at any moment. This reflects a longing for escape from overwhelming situations and a desire for control over his environment.

6. Lies as Connection: Deception can be a twisted attempt at intimacy.

Philip’s lying was not an attack upon intimacy – though it sometimes had that effect. It was his way of keeping the closeness he had known, his way of holding on to his mother.

Lies as a Mess. Lies are often seen as a way to avoid intimacy, but they can also be a distorted attempt to create connection. By telling lies and hoping to be caught, individuals may be seeking a form of attention or validation.

Philip's Bedwetting. Philip, a pathological liar, had a history of bedwetting as a child. His mother's silence about this created a private conversation between them. His lies were a way of recreating this intimacy, hoping to elicit a similar response from others.

The Secret World. Philip's lying was not an attack upon intimacy, though it sometimes had that effect. It was his way of keeping the closeness he had known, his way of holding on to his mother.

7. The Trap of the Couple: Societal pressure obscures individual needs.

A lot of people, especially psychoanalysts, assume that happiness can only be found in a couple – but not all of us are made for relationships.

The Myth of the Couple. Society often pressures individuals to be in relationships, equating happiness with romantic partnership. However, this can obscure the fact that some people are genuinely happier and healthier on their own.

Michael's Story. Michael, who called off his wedding and struggled with intimacy, exemplifies this. He realized that he felt suffocated in relationships and that his well-being depended on maintaining a certain distance from others.

Acceptance and Self-Knowledge. The key is to understand and accept one's own needs and preferences, rather than conforming to societal expectations. For Michael, this meant embracing his solitude and finding ways to connect with others on his own terms.

8. Ignorance as a Choice: Sometimes, we actively avoid the truth.

She wasn’t just passive; she seemed to work at keeping herself ignorant.

The Comfort of Denial. Facing difficult truths can be painful, so we sometimes choose to remain ignorant, even when evidence is staring us in the face. This can be a way of protecting ourselves from overwhelming emotions or maintaining a sense of control.

Francesca's Blindness. Francesca, who seemed oblivious to her husband's infidelity, illustrates this point. Despite numerous red flags, she actively avoided seeking out the truth, preferring to remain in a state of blissful ignorance.

Repeating the Past. Francesca's behavior may have been rooted in her own childhood experiences. Her mother had also chosen to ignore her father's affair, creating a pattern of denial that Francesca unconsciously repeated in her own marriage.

9. Lovesickness vs. Love: Obsession can be a barrier to genuine connection.

People who are lovesick put off testing their fantasies against reality.

The Illusion of Love. Lovesickness, characterized by intense longing and obsessive thoughts, is often mistaken for genuine love. However, it can be a form of escapism, preventing us from forming real connections with others.

Helen's Affair. Helen, who had a long-term affair with a married man, exemplifies this. She was so consumed by her fantasies of him that she was unable to see the reality of their relationship or to form meaningful connections with others.

Facing Reality. The key to overcoming lovesickness is to confront reality, however painful it may be. This involves letting go of idealized fantasies and embracing the possibility of genuine connection, even if it means facing loneliness and vulnerability.

10. The Bigger the Front: Outward displays often conceal inner turmoil.

The bigger the front, the bigger the back.

The Mask of Perfection. People often present a carefully constructed image to the world, concealing their true feelings and struggles. The more elaborate the facade, the more likely it is that there is something hidden beneath.

Abby's Father. Abby's father, who disowned her for marrying outside his religion, exemplifies this. His outward display of religious conviction concealed his own secret affair with a Catholic woman.

Splitting. This behavior is a defense mechanism called "splitting," where we project unwanted aspects of ourselves onto others. By condemning those qualities in others, we avoid acknowledging them in ourselves.

11. The Burden of the Ideal: Unrealistic expectations can poison relationships.

I didn’t know it would make me feel so lonely.

The Myth of Perfection. We often enter relationships with unrealistic expectations, hoping that they will fulfill all of our needs and solve all of our problems. When these expectations are not met, we can feel disappointed, resentful, and alone.

Jessica's Anger. Jessica, who had always imagined herself as a perfect mother, became angry and resentful when faced with the realities of parenthood. She blamed her husband for not meeting her expectations and used him as a scapegoat for her own feelings of inadequacy.

The Importance of Acceptance. The key to healthy relationships is to accept our partners for who they are, rather than trying to mold them into our ideal. This involves letting go of unrealistic expectations and embracing the imperfections that make us human.

12. The Haunting of Loss: Unresolved grief distorts our present.

I still imagine him being there when Dan and I get married, when we have children.

The Power of the Past. Unresolved grief can distort our perception of the present, preventing us from fully engaging with our lives. We may become stuck in the past, unable to let go of what we have lost.

Jennifer's Calm. Jennifer, who seemed strangely calm after her father's death, exemplifies this. She was so focused on the future she had imagined with him that she was unable to grieve his loss or to fully engage with her present relationship.

Mourning the Future. The key to healing is to mourn not only the past, but also the future that will never be. This involves acknowledging the pain of loss and allowing ourselves to grieve for what might have been.

Last updated: April 2, 2025