The Four Loves

1. The Four Loves: Affection, Friendship, Eros, and Charity

"God is love, says St. John. When I first tried to write this book I thought that his maxim would provide me with a very plain highroad through the whole subject."

Four distinct loves. Lewis identifies four types of love: Affection (storge), Friendship (philia), Eros (romantic love), and Charity (agape). Each has its unique characteristics and roles in human relationships.

Hierarchical structure. These loves are not equal but form a hierarchy, with Charity at the top as the most divine form of love. The natural loves (Affection, Friendship, and Eros) are seen as reflections or shadows of divine love, each with its own strengths and potential pitfalls.

Interplay and transformation. Lewis explores how these loves interact, sometimes blending or transforming into one another. For example, Affection can be the foundation for Friendship or Eros, while Charity can elevate and purify the other loves.

2. Affection: The Foundation of Human Relationships

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our natural lives."

Universal and instinctive. Affection is the most basic and widespread form of love, often taken for granted. It's found in families, between humans and animals, and even among unlikely pairs.

Comfortable and unassuming. This love thrives in the familiar and everyday. It doesn't seek the limelight or demand grand gestures. Instead, it finds joy in small, shared experiences and mutual understanding.

Potential for both good and ill. While Affection can create a warm, nurturing environment, it can also become possessive or demanding when distorted. Lewis warns against the dangers of using Affection as a tool for control or manipulation.

3. Friendship: A Spiritual Bond Beyond Utility

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival."

Chosen, not given. Unlike Affection, which often comes from proximity or familial ties, Friendship is freely chosen. It's based on shared interests, values, or pursuits.

Least biological of loves. Lewis argues that Friendship is the least instinctive or necessary for survival, making it uniquely human and potentially more spiritual in nature.

Vulnerable to pride and exclusivity. While Friendship can be ennobling, it also risks becoming cliquish or prideful. Friends may see themselves as superior to others, leading to a dangerous form of collective egotism.

4. Eros: The Transformative Power of Romantic Love

"Eros makes a man really want, not a woman, but one particular woman. In some mysterious but quite indisputable fashion the lover desires the Beloved herself, not the pleasure she can give."

Beyond mere sexuality. Lewis distinguishes between Venus (sexual desire) and Eros (romantic love). While related, Eros transcends pure physical attraction, focusing on the beloved as a whole person.

Intense and all-consuming. Eros has a unique power to overwhelm and transform, often leading to a sense of the divine or transcendent in human experience.

Potential for both exaltation and devastation. While Eros can inspire great devotion and self-sacrifice, it can also lead to destructive behavior if not tempered by reason and morality.

5. Charity: The Highest Form of Love, Reflecting God's Nature

"God is love."

Divine origin. Charity, or agape love, is seen as originating from God and reflecting His nature. It's the love that God has for humanity and that humans are called to have for God and each other.

Selfless and unconditional. Unlike the natural loves, which can be self-serving or conditional, Charity seeks the good of the other without expectation of return.

Transformative power. Lewis argues that Charity has the power to elevate and purify the other loves, bringing them closer to their divine ideal.

6. The Dangers of Idolizing Human Loves

"Every human love, at its height, has a tendency to claim for itself a divine authority."

Natural loves as false gods. Lewis warns against the tendency to elevate human loves to the status of the divine, which can lead to destructive behaviors and relationships.

Distortion of purpose. When natural loves are idolized, they can become twisted versions of themselves, losing their true beauty and function.

Need for divine perspective. To avoid this pitfall, Lewis argues that human loves must be understood in the context of God's love, which provides the proper framework for their expression.

7. Balancing Natural Loves with Divine Love

"When God rules in a human heart, though He may sometimes have to remove certain of its native authorities altogether, He often continues others in their offices and, by subjecting their authority to His, gives it for the first time a firm basis."

Hierarchy of loves. Lewis emphasizes the importance of maintaining a proper hierarchy, with love for God at the top, informing and guiding all other loves.

Transformation, not elimination. The goal is not to eliminate natural loves but to transform them through the influence of divine love.

Continuous process. Balancing these loves is an ongoing process, requiring constant vigilance and adjustment as circumstances change.

8. The Vulnerability and Risk Inherent in Loving

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken."

Inevitable pain. Lewis argues that the possibility of pain and loss is inherent in all forms of love. Attempting to avoid this vulnerability leads to a diminished life.

Courage in loving. True love requires the courage to accept potential hurt and disappointment, recognizing that the alternative is a closed and hardened heart.

Growth through vulnerability. By accepting the risks of love, we open ourselves to growth, deeper relationships, and a more fulfilling life.

9. Love's Capacity for both Good and Evil

"Love, having become a god, becomes a demon."

Dual nature of love. Lewis explores how love, in all its forms, has the potential for both great good and great harm.

Corruption of loves. When divorced from moral guidance or divine influence, even the noblest forms of love can become destructive forces.

Necessity of ethical framework. To realize love's positive potential, it must be guided by moral principles and, ultimately, by divine love.

10. The Need for Grace in Perfecting Human Loves

"The natural loves are not self-sufficient. Something else, at first vaguely described as 'decency and common sense,' but later revealed as goodness, and finally as the whole Christian life in one particular relation, must come to the help of the mere feeling if the feeling is to be kept sweet."

Limitations of natural loves. Lewis argues that human loves, left to themselves, are insufficient and prone to corruption.

Divine assistance. The perfection of human loves requires the intervention of divine grace, which elevates and purifies them.

Continuous growth. The process of perfecting love is ongoing, requiring constant effort and openness to divine influence throughout one's life.

Last updated: September 7, 2024