The Secret Life of You

1. Solitude: A Vital Component of a Fulfilling Life

The more comfortable you are in your own company, the more solid the foundations for your life.

Foundation of Well-being. The ability to be content in one's own company is not merely a pleasant attribute, but a fundamental skill for navigating life's inevitable changes and challenges. Life is in constant flux, with relationships evolving, jobs changing, and homes shifting. The one constant is oneself, and the stronger that inner foundation, the more resilient one becomes.

Inner Strength. Developing a capacity for solitude allows individuals to tap into their inner resources, fostering self-reliance and emotional stability. This inner strength becomes a bedrock upon which to build a life of purpose and meaning, independent of external validation or circumstances.

Self-Discovery. Solitude provides the space for introspection, self-discovery, and the cultivation of a rich inner life. It is in these quiet moments that individuals can truly connect with their thoughts, feelings, and values, leading to a deeper understanding of themselves and their place in the world.

2. Society's Mixed Messages About Alone Time

Alone time is acceptable in small doses, but being in company is normal, the default, and the ideal.

Extrovert Ideal. Society often promotes an "extrovert ideal," valuing sociability, assertiveness, and collaboration over introspection and solitude. This bias can lead to a devaluation of alone time and a suspicion of those who prefer it, creating a cultural pressure to constantly seek external validation and connection.

Cultural Norms. From childhood, we internalize unspoken rules about how we should spend our time, often prioritizing social activities and fearing the stigma of being alone. This can lead to a discomfort with solitude and a constant need for external stimulation, hindering the development of a healthy relationship with oneself.

Challenging the Status Quo. Recognizing and challenging these societal norms is the first step towards reclaiming the value of solitude. By questioning the assumption that being in company is always preferable, individuals can begin to explore the benefits of spending meaningful time alone and cultivate a more balanced approach to social interaction.

3. The Mind's Resistance to Solitude

The untutored mind does not like to be alone with itself.

Electric Shock Study. A famous study demonstrated that many people would rather administer electric shocks to themselves than be left alone with their thoughts, highlighting the discomfort and anxiety that solitude can evoke. This resistance stems from a fear of confronting difficult emotions, painful memories, or a lack of self-acceptance.

Fear of Feelings. Many individuals actively avoid solitude to suppress anxiety, depression, or traumatic memories. The constant distractions of modern life offer a temporary escape from these uncomfortable feelings, but ultimately prevent individuals from processing and healing from their pain.

Taming the Mind. Overcoming this resistance requires learning to manage and direct one's thoughts, rather than being controlled by them. Developing mindfulness practices, self-compassion, and a willingness to confront difficult emotions can transform solitude from a source of fear into a space for healing and growth.

4. Technology: A Double-Edged Sword for Solitude

Social media has colonized what was once a sacred space occupied by emptiness, the space reserved for thought and creativity.

Connectivity vs. Connection. While technology offers unprecedented opportunities for connection, it can also erode our capacity for solitude and genuine human interaction. The constant stream of notifications, messages, and online content can create a state of perpetual distraction, preventing us from engaging in meaningful self-reflection.

Addictive Design. Social media platforms are intentionally designed to be addictive, using algorithms and feedback loops to keep users engaged for as long as possible. This can lead to compulsive use, a diminished attention span, and a decreased ability to be present in the moment.

Mindful Usage. Reclaiming solitude in the digital age requires a conscious effort to use technology mindfully. This involves setting boundaries, limiting screen time, and prioritizing real-life interactions over online connections. By intentionally disconnecting from the digital world, individuals can create space for self-reflection, creativity, and genuine human connection.

5. Loneliness vs. Solitude: Understanding the Difference

Loneliness is like being the only person left alive in the universe, except that everyone else is still here.

Subjective Experience. Loneliness is not simply being alone; it is a subjective feeling of disconnection and a discrepancy between one's desired and actual level of connection. One can be surrounded by people and still feel profoundly lonely, or be alone and perfectly content.

Choice is Key. The key differentiator between loneliness and solitude is the element of choice. Solitude is a chosen state of being alone for reflection, rejuvenation, or creative pursuits, while loneliness is an unwanted state of isolation and disconnection.

Antidote to Loneliness. Paradoxically, learning to be comfortable in one's own company can be an antidote to loneliness. By cultivating a strong sense of self and developing inner resources, individuals can become less dependent on external validation and more resilient in the face of social isolation.

6. The Profound Benefits of Embracing Alone Time

We need alone time because we can never know ourselves if we are never willing to be in our own company.

Self-Discovery. Solitude provides the space for introspection, self-reflection, and the exploration of one's inner world. It is in these quiet moments that individuals can truly connect with their thoughts, feelings, and values, leading to a deeper understanding of themselves.

Emotional Well-being. Spending time alone can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, allowing individuals to process their emotions and develop coping mechanisms. It provides a respite from the demands of the external world and a chance to recharge and rejuvenate.

Enhanced Creativity. Solitude has long been linked to creativity, providing the space for original thought, innovation, and artistic expression. By disconnecting from external influences, individuals can tap into their inner resources and generate new ideas.

7. Cultivating a Meaningful Relationship with Yourself

If you are never alone, you cannot know yourself.

Self-Reflection. Just as Klara the Artificial Friend tried to figure out Josie’s needs and wants, you need to figure out your own opinions and preferences. And this can be difficult when you are so bombarded with input from other sources: the people in your communities, your family of origin, your friends and partners, your colleagues and the social media you consume.

The Looking-Glass Self. Alone time gives you a break from other people’s opinions but, just as significantly, it also gives you a break from other people’s opinions about you. And this is important because the other people in your life are extremely influential in shaping the stories you believe about yourself.

Validation. One of the greatest benefits of self-reflection is that you can learn to give yourself validation. It is perfectly normal to want validation from others – after all, if you’re lucky, you started getting it when you were a tiny child.

8. Reclaiming Your Time and Attention

To do one thing at a time makes me anxious.

The Bias Against Doing Nothing. Our modern society has a severe (and severely unhelpful) bias against doing nothing. We all flaunt our busyness like a badge of honor, constantly trying to prove just how much we have to do. Being busy means that we are important and needed, and so we compete with our friends over whose life is the most frantic.

Teaching Kids the Rules. All cultural norms get passed from society to the people living in it, and from those people to their own children. And in our culture, young people are taught to devalue time spent alone.

The Cycle of Disconnection. Social media makes us feel like we never need to be on our own. In every moment of idleness, in every moment of casual solitude, we can turn to the people who live inside our phone. We spend less time in the secret world of our own minds, and we stop learning how to keep ourselves company.

9. The Power of Nature and Creativity in Solitude

There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination.

A Room of Your Own. I wrote a lot of this book at a house on the Central Coast of New South Wales. My parents and kids were back in Sydney, and I was all alone. I could hear only the ocean in the distance, the ticking clock in the kitchen, the birds cheeping, and the occasional possum scampering on the roof (which scared the life out of me when it happened at three in the morning).

The DMN. Alone time gives you the opportunity to be creative without distractions, and it gives you freedom from other people’s thoughts so that you can access your own. In modern life, you are constantly bombarded with other people’s voices: in your home, in group chats, in your social life and on social media.

Daydreaming. Creative people thrive on solitude; we need the space and the time to access our thoughts and imaginations. My middle child, too, has been a daydreamer her entire life. Since she was a toddler, she would noticeably tune out from conversations around her and seemingly get lost in her own private thoughts.

10. Solitude: A Path to Moral Courage and a Better World

All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

Moral Courage. Here is a bold hypothesis: if every person on earth was able to be alone with their thoughts, the world would be a much better place. To have a decent world, we all need to be decent human beings. To be decent human beings, we each need a strong moral compass.

Troll Hunting. Journalist Ginger Gorman understands the significance of developing a moral framework. She is the author of Troll Hunting: Inside the world of online hate and its fallout, in which she investigates the psychology of trolling and the impacts of cyberhate.

The Banality of Evil. There is a cultural narrative that evil arises from some kind of dark force, that people who do terrible things are truly terrible people. And yes, this is sometimes the case; there are serial killers, dictators and child abusers who are genuinely monstrous people.

11. Singlehood: Embracing Choice and Contentment

You don’t have to be part of a couple to be happy, you know.

Singledom Isn't a Problem. In the years after my divorce, my single status was a source of tremendous interest to other people. Friends and acquaintances felt free to comment on my dating life and to offer unsolicited observations, advice and even critiques.

Unpack Your Beliefs. If you are struggling with being single, or if you are in the wrong relationship and you are frightened of becoming single, it is really important to distance yourself from the cultural stigma. Your attitude towards being single helps to determine your wellbeing: if you internalise the social bias against singledom you are likely to be less content, lonelier and more anxious than those who do not.

Single and Content. Happiness is not dependent on you cultivating a relationship with one special person. Happiness is far more dependent on you cultivating relationships with many special people. Yes, you need intimacy, and companionship, and affection, but you don’t need to get it from one primary source.

Last updated: April 15, 2025