The Truth About Children and Divorce

1. Divorce is a profound loss, but children can be resilient

Children fare better in a divorce when parents work together cooperatively and limit their children's exposure to conflict.

Divorce impacts children. While divorce increases the risk of psychological, social, and academic problems for children, most children from divorced families do not suffer from serious psychological issues. Research shows that children's resilience depends largely on how parents handle the divorce process and their ongoing relationship.

Factors affecting resilience:

• Parental cooperation
• Minimized exposure to conflict
• Consistent and loving parenting
• Maintained relationships with both parents
• Stability in routines and living arrangements

Children need time to grieve the loss of their family unit. Parents can support this process by acknowledging their children's feelings, maintaining open communication, and providing a stable environment. By focusing on children's needs and working together as co-parents, divorced parents can significantly improve their children's ability to cope and thrive.

2. Manage your emotions to effectively co-parent during divorce

How you manage or fail to manage your emotions is the most important task of divorce.

Recognize and process grief. Divorce triggers a complex cycle of emotions, including love, anger, and sadness. Understanding and managing these feelings is crucial for effective co-parenting. Unresolved emotions can lead to ongoing conflict, negatively impacting children.

Strategies for emotional management:

• Acknowledge all emotions, including grief
• Seek support from friends, family, or professionals
• Practice self-care and stress-reduction techniques
• Focus on what you can control, not your ex's behavior
• Separate your feelings about your ex from your role as a parent

By managing your emotions, you create a more stable environment for your children and model healthy coping skills. This emotional control allows you to make better decisions about parenting and co-parenting arrangements, ultimately benefiting your children's well-being.

3. Communicate honestly and age-appropriately with children about separation

There is no way to do this just right. There are no words that can do what you wish they could do—make your children's pain go away.

Be honest but considerate. When telling children about separation, parents should provide clear, age-appropriate explanations without burdening them with adult details. The goal is to reassure children of both parents' continued love and involvement in their lives.

Key points for communication:

• Choose a calm time to talk, with both parents present if possible
• Explain that the separation is not the child's fault
• Reassure children of both parents' continued love
• Provide specific information about changes in living arrangements
• Encourage questions and ongoing dialogue

Tailor the conversation to children's ages and developmental stages. Younger children need simple, concrete explanations, while older children and teenagers may require more detailed information. Be prepared for various reactions and provide ongoing support as children process the news.

4. Develop a flexible, child-centered parenting plan

Your agreements about your children are never 100 percent final in the law, and you may find that arrangements you designed for your three-year-old boy and seven-year-old girl are not working as well when your children are eight and twelve years old or eleven and fifteen years old.

Create adaptable arrangements. A good parenting plan considers children's developmental needs and allows for adjustments as they grow. Start with a temporary plan to assess what works best for your family before finalizing long-term arrangements.

Elements of an effective parenting plan:

• Regular schedule for time with each parent
• Holiday and vacation arrangements
• Decision-making responsibilities
• Communication methods between parents
• Flexibility for changes as children's needs evolve

Consider children's ages, personalities, and individual needs when creating the plan. Be willing to revisit and adjust the plan as circumstances change. Remember that the goal is to provide stability and maintain strong relationships with both parents, not to win a competition for time or control.

5. Maintain clear boundaries and a businesslike relationship with your ex

Even after a separation, you will find yourselves bound in yet another way—what I call the push and pull of grief.

Redefine your relationship. Establishing clear boundaries with your ex is crucial for effective co-parenting. Treat your relationship as a business partnership focused on raising your children, rather than an emotional entanglement.

Guidelines for a businesslike relationship:

• Communicate clearly and respectfully
• Focus discussions on children's needs
• Avoid personal topics unrelated to parenting
• Set clear expectations for responsibilities and schedules
• Use written communication (e.g., email) for important information

This approach helps minimize conflict and allows both parents to focus on their children's well-being. It also models healthy relationship boundaries for children and reduces their exposure to parental tension. Remember that maintaining a cordial, businesslike relationship doesn't mean being friends – it means being effective co-parents.

6. Focus on authoritative parenting to promote children's resilience

Good parenting isn't a contest. Parents can take a different, more child-friendly approach to both legal negotiations and the child-rearing agreements they construct.

Balance love and discipline. Authoritative parenting, which combines warmth and firm boundaries, is associated with the best outcomes for children. This approach is particularly important during the upheaval of divorce when children need both emotional support and consistent structure.

Key aspects of authoritative parenting:

• Show consistent love and affection
• Set clear, age-appropriate rules and expectations
• Explain the reasons behind rules
• Use positive reinforcement and logical consequences
• Encourage independence within safe boundaries

Maintain this parenting style across both households if possible. If parents have different approaches, strive for consistency in major rules and expectations. Remember that discipline is a form of love, teaching children important life skills and providing a sense of security during uncertain times.

7. Approach new relationships cautiously, prioritizing children's needs

New relationships can be complicated for parents after divorce, because you are no longer alone but part of a package deal: Your children are a part of any new relationship you pursue.

Go slowly with new partners. While new relationships can bring happiness and stability, they also introduce additional complexity for children. Take time to establish your new family dynamic before introducing a new partner, and be sensitive to your children's feelings throughout the process.

Guidelines for introducing new relationships:

• Wait until the relationship is stable before involving children
• Introduce the new partner gradually as a friend first
• Be sensitive to children's reactions and adjust accordingly
• Maintain one-on-one time with your children
• Avoid pressuring children to accept the new partner as a parent figure

Remember that your children didn't choose this new relationship, and they may need time to adjust. Prioritize your children's emotional needs and stability over your desire for a new romantic partnership. Be prepared for potential challenges, including loyalty conflicts and adjusting to step-siblings.

8. Seek professional help when needed to navigate divorce challenges

Even if you have failed at your marriage, you can succeed at divorce.

Recognize when to get help. Divorce presents numerous emotional, practical, and legal challenges. While many families can navigate these issues on their own, some situations benefit from professional intervention. Seeking help is a sign of strength and commitment to your children's well-being.

Situations that may require professional help:

• Ongoing high conflict between parents
• Children exhibiting serious behavioral or emotional problems
• Difficulty creating or implementing a parenting plan
• Complex legal or financial issues
• Personal struggles with grief or anger

Options for professional support include individual therapy, family therapy, mediation, and collaborative law. These resources can provide valuable tools and perspectives to help you manage the divorce process more effectively and support your children's resilience. Remember that investing in professional help early can prevent more serious problems down the road.

Last updated: September 12, 2024