The Way of the Monk

1. Balance the Four Wheels of Life for Lasting Happiness

The secret of life is finding balance: not too much, not too little.

Four crucial areas. Just as a car needs four balanced wheels, a fulfilling life requires attention to four key areas: personal life, relationships, work life, and social contribution. Neglecting any one of these can lead to imbalance and dissatisfaction.

External and internal balance. External balance involves adjusting priorities based on current needs, focusing on the wheel that's out of alignment. Internal balance concerns attitudes and values, like maintaining the correct air pressure in the tires.

Steering wheel of spirituality. Spirituality acts as the steering wheel, providing purpose and direction. It comprises spiritual practice (sadhana), association (sanga), character (sadachar), and service (seva), guiding us toward our destination.

2. Gratitude: The Foundation of a Positive Mindset

It’s not the happy people who are grateful; it’s the grateful people who are happy.

Gratitude as a state of mind. Gratitude isn't just a feeling; it's a cultivated state of mind that allows us to tap into a reservoir of positive energy. It involves recognizing the good in the world and acknowledging that it comes from something beyond ourselves.

The Cumin Seed analogy. Just as the tongue can fixate on a single cumin seed stuck in the teeth, the mind often dwells on the negative, neglecting the many "seed-free" areas of life. Gratitude shifts our focus to the simple joys available to us.

Gratitude Log. A practical exercise to cultivate gratitude involves keeping a daily log, reflecting on three to five people or situations you're grateful for. Weekly, include action points to thank those people, reinforcing the practice of gratitude.

3. Detachment: Why Worry When It's Out of Your Control?

When things are beyond your control and there is nothing you can do, why worry?

The "Why Worry" flowchart. When faced with a problem, analyze: Is it in your control? If yes, take action. If no, worrying is futile. This simple framework promotes detachment from situations outside our influence.

The WhatsApp video example. The author's experience with a viral video, taken out of context, illustrates the principle of detachment. Initially fearing the worst, he realized the situation was beyond his control and ultimately turned it into a blessing.

Spiritual strength. Developing spiritual strength through practices like meditation helps us detach from anxieties and transform difficulties into opportunities. It provides a sense of perspective and calmness in the face of uncontrollable events.

4. Spirituality: Connecting to Something Higher

Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, we cannot live without a spiritual life.

Hierarchy of connections. We can make three kinds of connections: outside ourselves (relationships, work), inside ourselves (self-reflection), and above ourselves (God or something higher). Connecting above ourselves provides purpose and direction.

Mantra meditation. A powerful method for developing spiritual strength involves focusing the mind on sacred sounds, chanting the name of God. This practice relieves stress, provides a sense of purpose, and enhances creativity.

Meditation as a plane. Meditation is like a plane: It first takes you high, then far away and then further away imperceptibly. It gives a higher vantage point, transforms our character, and allows us to experience self-realization.

5. Sensitivity: Treat Everything with Respect

When we treat inanimate objects, like buckets or our possessions, with disrespect or insensitivity, we will end up treating people the same.

Attitude does not discriminate. Insensitivity becomes part of our general attitude, affecting how we treat both things and people. Disrespect towards objects can gradually creep into our relationships.

The bucket story. The author's experience of kicking a bucket while washing clothes highlights the importance of treating even inanimate objects with respect. This cultivates a general attitude of sensitivity.

Disposability in relationships. Modern culture's tendency to discard things easily can translate into a similar disposability in relationships. Treating everything with dignity, value, and respect fosters stronger interpersonal bonds.

6. Virtuous Vision: Focus on the Good in Others

Behind the smiles, everyone is going through personal struggles we know nothing about.

Five ways to perceive people. We can perceive others in five ways: seeing only the bad, seeing both but neglecting the good, being neutral, seeing both but neglecting the bad, or seeing only the good. The ideal is to focus on the good and neglect the bad.

The dog story. A man shouts at his genius dog for forgetting the keys, neglecting all the good things it does. This illustrates how we often focus on negatives, overlooking the positives in our relationships.

Aditya Birla's example. The late industrialist Aditya Birla made a list of an employee's strengths before addressing a costly mistake. This demonstrates the power of shifting attention to the good qualities in others.

7. Corrective Feedback: Invest Before You Withdraw

Our mutual funds and our relationships have one thing in common: we must invest in both before we can withdraw.

Investment before withdrawal. We must invest appreciation and love into a person before correcting them. This makes them feel cherished and motivated, rather than demotivated.

The Nepal story. The author's experience with a senior monk in Nepal illustrates the importance of investing in relationships. Despite a heated argument, their strong bond of love and trust allowed for forgiveness and reconciliation.

Four questions for corrective feedback. Before giving feedback, ask: Am I the right person? Do I have the right motive? Do I know the right way? Is it the right time? These questions ensure feedback is delivered with sensitivity and effectiveness.

8. Forgiveness: Look Beyond the Situation

Forgiveness warms the heart and cools the sting.

Look beyond the situation. When someone hurts us, try to understand their perspective and the deeper chaos they may be experiencing. This empathy is an essential component of forgiveness.

Separate the episode from the person. Avoid labeling someone as a failure based on a single mistake. Disconnect the person from the problem, using language that separates the incident from their character.

Higher purpose. Focus on the higher purpose of the relationship. Are you willing to harmonize for a greater good? This can help you forgive even the most difficult transgressions.

9. Association: Intimacy Through Sharing

Our relationships are stronger when they contain a spiritual component.

Three principles of intimacy. Intimacy develops through: giving and receiving, sharing food, and sharing thoughts, values, and beliefs. These interactions go beyond doing the needful, creating deeper connections.

Six exchanges. Intimacy in personal dealings can be created through six exchanges: offering gifts and accepting gifts, opening one’s mind and inquiring in confidence, sharing food and receiving food.

Value systems. Our lifestyle is affected more by another person’s value systems than their habits. Intimate association involves being influenced by and sharing values and beliefs.

10. Competition: Compete With Yourself, Not Others

The only difference is who are you competing with.

Unhealthy competition. Driven by jealousy or uncontrolled ambition, unhealthy competition involves sabotaging others to get ahead. This can manifest in sports, business, politics, and the workplace.

Healthy competition. Open-minded people grow by developing themselves, striving to become better versions of themselves each day. They focus on self-improvement rather than beating others.

Matthew McConaughey's hero. The actor's Oscar acceptance speech highlights the principle of self-competition, always chasing an idealized future self. This attitude keeps the mind free from envy and insecurity.

11. Self-Discovery: Find Your Ikigai

To find your purpose in life, you must go on a journey of self-discovery.

The wrapped gift analogy. Everyone has unique talents and skills, concealed so that we have the chance to discover them. The journey of self-discovery brings tremendous satisfaction.

The Ikigai model. To find purpose, answer four questions: What do you love? What are you good at? What does the world need? What can you get paid for? Balancing these areas leads to a fulfilling life.

Love what you do, do what you love. Even if you can't change your job, find ways to incorporate your passions into your life. Make time for what you love, and one day it may align with your career.

12. Service: Selfless Contribution Brings Joy

In Sanskrit, service is called seva.

The ice cream and the candle. The ice cream represents hedonism, enjoying life for personal pleasure. The candle symbolizes selflessness, giving light to others. The journey of life is moving from ice cream to candle.

The oxygen mask analogy. We must take care of ourselves before we can effectively help others. Balancing our own needs with service prevents compassion fatigue.

Family first. Selflessness starts at home, with the ones we love most. Extend your circle of selflessness to your community, city, and nation, contributing to the greater good.

Last updated: April 9, 2025