The Wives

1. The All-Consuming Nature of Military Life

I’d rather live in his world than live without him in mine.

Total immersion. Military life isn't just a job; it's a complete lifestyle that permeates every aspect of a soldier's and their family's existence. It dictates where they live, how they spend their time, and even how they communicate. The language, the rules, and the constant deployments create a world that is both insular and all-encompassing.

Loss of autonomy. The Army dictates much of a soldier's life, from their daily schedule to their long-term plans. This lack of control extends to their families, who must adapt to the constant moves, deployments, and the ever-present threat of danger. The wives are often left to manage the household and family life alone, while their husbands are away.

A world apart. The military world is so distinct from civilian life that it can feel like living on another planet. The language, the customs, and the constant threat of danger create a sense of isolation for both the soldiers and their families. This separation can make it difficult for them to connect with those outside of the military community.

2. The Fragility of Military Marriages

Girlfriends don’t count for shit in the Army. If something happens to me, no one’s gonna be calling you, no one’s gonna take care of you.

Forced intimacy. The Army's structure often pushes couples into marriage quickly, driven by the need for housing and benefits. This can lead to relationships built on convenience and necessity rather than deep connection, making them vulnerable to the stresses of military life.

Constant separation. Deployments, trainings, and long hours create a constant state of separation, making it difficult for couples to maintain intimacy and connection. The lack of consistent presence and communication can strain even the strongest relationships.

Unrealistic expectations. The Army often presents an idealized version of marriage, with clear roles and expectations. However, the reality of military life is far more complex, and couples often struggle to navigate the challenges of deployment, reintegration, and the ever-present threat of danger.

3. The Unspoken Rules of the Army Wife

Apparently, the last tenants trashed the place, but it’s been renovated, sort of.

Invisible hierarchy. The Army has a rigid hierarchy, and this extends to the wives, who are often judged based on their husbands' rank and position. There are unspoken rules about who can be friends with whom, and how wives should behave.

Discretion and silence. Army wives are expected to be discreet and silent about their husbands' work, often leaving them feeling isolated and unable to share their fears and concerns. They are also expected to be strong and self-sufficient, often suppressing their own needs and emotions.

The "pink book." The "pink book," a booklet for wives, symbolizes the Army's attempt to control and manage the lives of military spouses. It highlights the expectation that wives should be prepared for any eventuality, including their husbands' death or injury.

4. The Burden of Constant Worry and Waiting

I hope you have patience, because you’ll need it where he’s going.

Perpetual anxiety. The constant threat of danger creates a state of perpetual anxiety for military spouses. They live with the knowledge that their husbands could be injured or killed at any moment, and this fear permeates every aspect of their lives.

The waiting game. Military life is characterized by long periods of waiting—waiting for deployments to end, waiting for phone calls, waiting for news. This constant state of waiting can be emotionally draining and isolating.

Loss of control. Military spouses often feel a profound lack of control over their lives. They must adapt to the Army's schedule, and they have little say in where they live or how long their husbands will be gone. This lack of control can lead to feelings of helplessness and frustration.

5. The Search for Identity and Purpose

And now, here I was, twenty-eight years old, an Army wife.

Loss of self. Many military spouses struggle to maintain their sense of identity and purpose outside of their roles as wives and mothers. They often put their own careers and aspirations on hold to support their husbands' military careers.

The "dependent" label. The term "dependent" highlights the power imbalance in military relationships, where wives are often seen as extensions of their husbands rather than individuals in their own right. This can lead to feelings of resentment and a loss of self-worth.

Finding new meaning. Some military spouses find new meaning and purpose in their roles as volunteers, community leaders, or advocates for military families. Others seek to reclaim their identities through education, career, or creative pursuits.

6. The Complicated Ethics of War and Duty

And a soldier, he decided, was no more responsible for a country’s war than a tax-paying civilian.

Moral ambiguity. The book explores the ethical complexities of war, questioning the justifications for military intervention and the impact of violence on both soldiers and civilians. It highlights the moral gray areas that soldiers must navigate.

Duty vs. personal beliefs. Soldiers often struggle to reconcile their personal beliefs with their duty to serve their country. They may question the purpose of the war, but they also feel a sense of obligation to their fellow soldiers and their country.

The allure of purpose. For some soldiers, the military provides a sense of purpose and meaning that they struggle to find elsewhere. They may be drawn to the camaraderie, the structure, and the opportunity to serve a cause greater than themselves.

7. The Power of Female Friendship and Support

But crying together is better, isn’t it?

Shared experience. Military wives often form close bonds with one another, finding solace and support in their shared experiences. They understand the unique challenges of military life in a way that few others can.

A lifeline of support. These friendships provide a lifeline of support during deployments, offering a safe space to share their fears, frustrations, and hopes. They rely on each other for practical help, emotional support, and a sense of community.

Beyond the surface. These friendships often transcend the superficial aspects of military life, creating deep and meaningful connections that can last a lifetime. They are built on a foundation of shared experience, mutual respect, and a deep understanding of each other's struggles.

8. The Illusion of Control and the Reality of Loss

I had always marveled at Andrew’s ability to know exactly what he needed and then give it to himself, without hang-ups or cloying terms like “me-day.”

The need for control. Military spouses often struggle with the lack of control in their lives, and they may try to compensate by micromanaging other aspects of their lives, like their homes or their children. This need for control can be a way of coping with the uncertainty and chaos of military life.

The inevitability of loss. The book highlights the ever-present threat of loss in military life, whether it's the loss of a loved one, the loss of a sense of normalcy, or the loss of control over one's own life. This constant awareness of loss can be emotionally draining and isolating.

Accepting the unknown. Ultimately, military spouses must learn to accept the uncertainty and unpredictability of their lives. They must find ways to cope with the constant threat of loss and to live fully in the present moment.

9. The Longing for Connection and Understanding

Longing, we say, because desire is full of endless distances.

The desire to be seen. Military spouses often feel invisible, their experiences and struggles overlooked by those outside of the military community. They long to be seen and understood for who they are, not just as extensions of their husbands.

The need for intimacy. The constant separations and the emotional distance that can develop in military relationships can create a deep longing for intimacy and connection. Spouses often struggle to communicate their needs and desires to their partners.

Bridging the gap. The book explores the challenges of bridging the gap between the military and civilian worlds, highlighting the difficulties of communicating the realities of war and military life to those who have not experienced it firsthand.

10. The Inevitable Transformation of Self

I was an adventurer, but Andrew was a seeker, the type of person who opened doors not just to peek behind them, like I did, but to step all the way through.

Change through experience. Military life inevitably changes those who are a part of it, both soldiers and their families. They are forced to confront their own limitations, their fears, and their values.

The hardening of the heart. The constant exposure to violence and loss can lead to a hardening of the heart, making it difficult for soldiers to connect with their emotions and with those around them. They may develop a cynical or detached view of the world.

The search for meaning. Despite the challenges, military life can also lead to personal growth and transformation. Soldiers and their families may find new meaning and purpose in their service, their relationships, and their communities.

Last updated: February 3, 2025