This American Woman

1. Escaping Restriction Requires Radical Action.

If I hadn’t done that, right now I would be a Mumbai grandma in an arranged marriage to a much older, boring industrialist.

Childhood restrictions. Growing up in a wealthy Mumbai family, the author faced strict patriarchal control, particularly regarding her education and future marriage. Her father, a self-made man, believed education beyond basic English was unnecessary for girls, whose primary role was to marry well and manage a household. This clashed with her love for reading and outspoken nature.

The ultimatum. After her mother's death, her father, seeking freedom, abruptly demanded she marry at fourteen, ending her education and independent life. Her defiant "No" led to her being cast out, forcing her into homelessness and a desperate search for refuge among acquaintances. This radical break, though terrifying, was the only way to avoid a predetermined, stifling future.

A different path. Running away wasn't an empowered feminist stand initially, but a reaction to being discarded. It forced her onto a path of self-reliance and seeking opportunities outside her father's control, ultimately leading her to America and a life vastly different from the one planned for her.

2. Freedom Demands Solitude and Self-Reliance.

If you seek the reward of freedom, be prepared to embrace solitude.

Life on the streets. After leaving home, the author spent almost two years couch-surfing, relying on the kindness of strangers and acquaintances. This period was marked by constant uncertainty, hunger, and the loss of her social status and friends, teaching her the harsh reality of self-reliance. She learned to provide value to hosts just to secure a night's stay.

The price of independence. Her father's prediction that her friends would disappear with her status proved true, leaving her isolated. This solitude was the direct consequence of choosing freedom over the guaranteed security of an arranged marriage and her father's wealth. It was a lonely existence, constantly waiting for someone to take her in.

Building resilience. This period of forced self-reliance, though painful, built incredible resilience and resourcefulness. It taught her to navigate complex social dynamics, solve immediate problems like finding food and shelter, and rely solely on her own wits and charm to survive, skills that would prove invaluable later in life.

3. Defying Expectations to Forge Your Own Path.

To Americans, running away from an arranged marriage is an act of heroism.

Cultural clash. The author's decision to run away from an arranged marriage was seen as heroic in the American context but foolish and incomprehensible by many Indians. In a developing country, rejecting guaranteed security for an uncertain future was viewed as insane, even by those close to her.

Challenging norms. Her outspokenness, love for reading, and desire for independence were already deviations from traditional Indian expectations for girls. Running away was the ultimate act of defiance against a system that sought to contain and define her life through marriage and domesticity.

Finding support. Despite the lack of understanding from many, her siblings, particularly Suresh and Sunita, provided crucial support, albeit with their own anxieties. Sunita's offer to bring her to America provided a tangible escape route, solidifying her break from the expected path and opening up a world of new possibilities.

4. The Immigrant Experience: A Constant Negotiation of Worlds.

For the first time I could feel the restrictions of India that I had to squeeze myself back into at the end of the summer.

Akron as escape. Her first visits to America, staying with her sister Sunita in Akron, Ohio, revealed a world of unexpected freedom and abundance. Simple things like swing sets, bowling alleys, dishwashers, and bubble baths felt magical compared to the scarcity and restrictions of India. More importantly, she experienced a place where she could speak her mind without immediate censure.

Caught between cultures. Returning to India after these visits highlighted the constraints she had temporarily escaped. Her Americanized habits, like speaking freely and dressing casually, clashed with Indian norms, making her feel like a misfit. This constant negotiation between her Indian roots and her burgeoning American identity became a lifelong theme.

America as opportunity. America represented not just physical safety but also the possibility of an education and a life defined by her own choices, not patriarchal decree. The struggle to obtain a student visa and the subsequent years of study were driven by a fierce determination to secure her place in this new world and escape the limitations of the old.

5. Love and Security Appear in Unexpected Forms.

While looking for a life partner, cast a very narrow net. You only need one.

The husband quest. At 22, feeling old and damaged by her past, the author embarked on a desperate search for a husband, viewing marriage as essential for security and belonging. Her blunt, unconventional online personal ad attracted many suitors, highlighting her unique approach to finding a partner. This period felt less like romance and more like a high-stakes competition.

Shalabh's unconventionality. Shalabh, her future husband, stood out precisely because he didn't fit the mold of the "ideal" Indian husband (doctor, engineer, lawyer with a clear plan). He was young, working in Switzerland, and seemed more interested in connection than immediate settlement. Their relationship began unconventionally, built on intense emails and phone calls before meeting.

A different kind of security. Despite his lack of a rigid plan, Shalabh offered emotional security and acceptance that others didn't. He saw and valued her for who she was, even her perceived flaws. Their connection, though initially confusing to her, provided the foundation for a partnership based on mutual respect and genuine affection, a stark contrast to the transactional nature of arranged marriages she had witnessed.

6. Motherhood: A New Identity and Source of Worth.

If becoming an Indian wife gave me back my security, becoming a mother gave me back my worth.

Finding belonging. Becoming a wife provided a sense of security after years of instability, but motherhood brought a profound sense of purpose and belonging. Her daughter, Zoya, became the center of her world, revealing the depth of the parent-child bond she had longed for. This bond highlighted the painful absence of her own mother and the complex relationship with her father.

The phantom limb. The experience of nurturing her own child made the lack of nurturing she received as a child more acutely painful. She yearned for the connection with her deceased mother and struggled to reconcile her father's abandonment with her own fierce protectiveness over her children.

A new perspective. Motherhood gave her a new lens through which to view her parents' actions and the cultural context of child-rearing in India. It deepened her understanding of sacrifice and love, while also solidifying her determination to provide her children with the emotional security and support she had lacked.

7. Financial Insecurity Fuels Relentless Drive.

People who have never been truly desperate for money don’t seem to notice that money is the thing that gets you food and shelter.

The trauma of scarcity. The author's experience of homelessness and financial precarity as a teenager left a lasting trauma. This deep-seated fear of not having enough money for basic needs like food and shelter became a driving force throughout her adult life.

Hoarding and saving. This fear manifested as an obsession with saving money and a reluctance to spend, even on herself. She saw money as the ultimate source of security and freedom, a stark contrast to those who took financial stability for granted. Her husband's attempts to buy her luxury items were met with anxiety, not joy.

The hustle continues. Even after achieving a degree of financial stability through marriage, the fear persisted, fueling her entrepreneurial ventures and later, her comedy career. The loss of her husband's job reignited this primal fear, pushing her to hustle relentlessly to rebuild their financial security and ensure her family's future.

8. Finding Your "Thing" Unleashes Your True Voice.

It was comedy that allowed me to expand to my true dimensions.

Searching for purpose. After years as a stay-at-home mom, the author felt a restless energy and a need to find her own path. She tried numerous entrepreneurial ventures, from disposable toothbrushes to matchmaking, but none felt like her true calling. These failures were frustrating but also part of the search.

The unexpected calling. Encouraged by her daughter, she tried stand-up comedy on a whim. Stepping onto the stage felt like a revelation, a moment of profound clarity where her lifelong tendency to "talk and talk and talk" finally found its purpose. The immediate positive feedback from the audience was a powerful validation.

Embracing the voice. Comedy provided a platform for her unique voice, allowing her to process her life experiences, cultural observations, and personal struggles through humor. It was a space where her outspokenness, once a source of conflict, became her greatest strength, allowing her to connect with others and finally feel fully herself.

9. Authenticity Becomes Your Greatest Asset.

Every night that I perform stand-up, I enter the stage as an invisible little Indian lady.

Transforming identity. Onstage, the author's perceived "flaws"—her accent, her appearance, her cultural background—became assets. She could lean into her identity as an Indian immigrant mom, turning relatable experiences into universal humor. This authenticity resonated deeply with audiences.

Connecting through vulnerability. Sharing personal stories, even painful ones like her mother-in-law jokes or her struggles with her father, created a powerful connection with the audience. Her vulnerability, combined with humor, made her relatable and endearing, transforming her from an "invisible" figure into a commanding presence.

Branding through self. Her unique identity became her brand. Unlike comedians who might adopt a persona, her act was simply an amplified version of herself. This genuine self-expression, initially terrifying, proved to be the key to standing out and building a loyal following.

10. Perseverance is the Only Path to Breakthrough.

Nothing happens after one win, two wins, ten wins, or twenty wins.

The grind. Building a comedy career required relentless effort and countless hours performing at open mics and small shows. Success didn't come overnight; it was a result of consistently showing up, honing her craft, and seeking out every opportunity to get stage time and audience feedback.

Learning from setbacks. Early failures, like the poorly attended New Jersey show, were not reasons to quit but lessons in the necessity of marketing and building an audience. Each small win, like a sold-out show in a new city, fueled her motivation to keep going.

The long game. The journey from open mics to a comedy special took years of dedicated work. It required treating comedy like a business, constantly working on the "product" (her jokes) and finding ways to reach new "customers" (the audience), demonstrating that sustained effort is more important than quick wins.

11. Embrace Your Unique Identity as Your Power.

All the immigrant shit that had held me back socially and entrepreneurially before? My accent, my weird clothes, my bindi? Free branding.

Turning weakness into strength. Aspects of her identity that felt like disadvantages in other areas of life became powerful tools in comedy. Her accent, cultural observations, and experiences as an Indian immigrant mom provided a unique perspective that audiences found fresh and hilarious.

Authentic style. Rejecting conventional fashion norms, she found her signature look in simple kurtas and leggings. This choice wasn't just about comfort; it was an embrace of her Indian identity in a way that felt authentic to her, creating a distinct visual brand that reinforced her comedic voice.

Relatability across cultures. While rooted in her specific cultural background, her humor tapped into universal themes of family, marriage, parenting, and the immigrant experience. This allowed her to connect with diverse audiences, proving that specific cultural details can resonate widely when presented authentically.

12. Success is Built Through Continuous Effort.

Focus on the job at hand to get the job of your dreams.

Building block approach. The author approached her comedy career as a series of small, manageable tasks. From writing individual jokes to performing short sets, then longer sets on tour, and finally taping a special, each step was a building block towards a larger goal.

Mastering the present. Instead of solely focusing on the distant dream of fame or a special, she concentrated on excelling at the current task, whether it was getting laughs at an open mic or connecting with passengers in a Lyft car. This focus on the immediate job led to unexpected opportunities.

The ripple effect. Excelling at each small task created a ripple effect, leading to bigger opportunities like the Kevin Hart show, the Comedy Cellar, and eventually the special. Her success wasn't a single leap but a culmination of countless small, well-executed steps, demonstrating that consistent effort in the present builds the foundation for future achievements.

Last updated: May 15, 2025