This Will Only Hurt a Little

1. Childhood experiences lay the groundwork for lifelong patterns.

My therapist, Bethany Rosenblum, says that everyone has one defining story.

Early independence. From a young age, Busy Philipps exhibited a headstrong, independent nature, exemplified by her infamous "walk around the block" as a two-year-old. While her mother saw this as willfulness, Busy later reflected on it as a feeling of being "left out and left alone," a theme that would recur throughout her life. This early sense of difference, being the blonde, blue-eyed child in a dark-haired family, contributed to a persistent feeling of not quite belonging.

Seeking validation. Her early foray into acting, playing Wilbur the Pig in third grade, provided a powerful sense of belonging and attention, which she craved. This initial taste of performance and recognition became a driving force, a way to feel "a part of something" and to be seen. The desire for external validation, however, often masked deeper insecurities stemming from her childhood.

Parental dynamics. Growing up, Busy navigated a family environment marked by her mother's dramatic storytelling, a sister with intense anger, and parents who, despite their love, sometimes resorted to physical discipline. These dynamics, coupled with a perceived lack of emotional space, led her to internalize her anxieties and believe her struggles were "normal," setting the stage for future challenges in self-understanding and emotional expression.

2. Navigating Hollywood's sexist landscape requires immense resilience.

Men love a woman who laughs at the joke, especially if the joke is at her expense.

The "boys' club." Busy's two decades as an actress exposed her to pervasive sexism and objectification within Hollywood. From casual harassment by crew members to explicit propositions for roles, she learned to "take it," often laughing off insults or enduring uncomfortable situations to avoid being labeled "difficult" or "expendable." This environment normalized behaviors that chipped away at her self-worth.

Body image pressures. The industry's relentless focus on appearance led to constant scrutiny of her body. She was told to lose weight, asked to do Maxim shoots, and later, even after giving birth, faced rejection for being "too fat" for roles. This pressure to conform to an unrealistic ideal often left her feeling inadequate, despite her talent and success.

Fighting for recognition. Beyond physical appearance, Busy encountered situations where her ideas were stolen, or her contributions minimized. The industry's tendency to reward male actors for "difficult" behavior while penalizing women for speaking up created a challenging dynamic, forcing her to constantly advocate for herself in a system designed to keep women in their place.

3. Early trauma profoundly shapes self-perception and relationships.

I didn’t know what to do. I put my hands under his shirt, digging my nails into his back. I hated it. I didn’t want this. What the fuck was this? It was so, so painful.

A defining moment. At fourteen, Busy experienced a traumatic sexual encounter that she initially rationalized as "what I had wanted." This incident, where her protests were minimal and ignored, left her with deep-seated confusion about consent, self-worth, and the nature of intimacy. She convinced herself that the pain and discomfort meant the boy "must be super into me," a dangerous coping mechanism.

Impact on relationships. This early experience created a pattern of seeking validation through relationships, often with partners who were emotionally unavailable or treated her poorly. She struggled with boundaries, often prioritizing others' desires over her own, and found herself in cycles of unrequited affection or unhealthy dynamics, desperately trying to earn love and acceptance.

Suppression and re-emergence. For years, Busy suppressed the memory and its true nature, creating a false narrative of a "random ex-boyfriend." However, the trauma resurfaced unexpectedly throughout her life—in college, before her wedding, and even during childbirth—demonstrating how unresolved pain can manifest in various forms, highlighting the long-term impact of unaddressed emotional wounds.

4. Living with anxiety is a constant, often invisible, battle.

I would lie in bed at night as a kid and imagine the worst possible scenarios: my entire family being murdered, house fires, plane crashes, car crashes, my parents dying, my sister dying, my best friends dying, myself dying.

Lifelong struggle. Busy's anxiety began in childhood, manifesting as paralyzing fears and morbid thoughts that she kept hidden, believing them to be "normal." This internal battle continued into adulthood, marked by panic attacks, sleep issues, and a constant sense of impending doom, often exacerbated by life's stressors.

Seeking solutions. Over the years, she explored various coping mechanisms, from intense workouts to self-harm (scratching), and eventually sought professional help through therapy and medication. The journey to find effective treatment was not linear, involving trial and error with different drugs and a constant effort to manage her mental state.

Postpartum challenges. Motherhood brought a new, intense wave of anxiety, particularly postpartum. She felt overwhelmed, constantly worried about her baby's well-being, and struggled with basic tasks. This period highlighted the profound impact of mental health on daily life and the importance of seeking support, even when it feels impossible.

5. Authenticity and self-advocacy are hard-won but essential for growth.

I didn’t know how to be anything other than what I was. What if no one wanted that again? What then?

The struggle to be "less me." Throughout her life, Busy often tried to temper her personality or change her appearance to be more "lovable" or acceptable, particularly in relationships and in Hollywood. This constant effort to be "less me" was exhausting and ultimately unfulfilling, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.

Finding her voice. Despite her insecurities, moments of defiance and self-advocacy emerged. From demanding her "fucking line" on Freaks and Geeks to confronting a powerful TV executive about his dismissive comments, she gradually learned to speak her truth, even when it was uncomfortable or risked professional repercussions.

Embracing "sparkliness." Busy identifies as a "sparkly human"—someone who inexplicably draws positive attention and help from adults. While this "sparkliness" was sometimes met with bullying from peers, she learned to embrace it as a unique strength. This self-acceptance, coupled with her growing ability to advocate for herself, became crucial for navigating her career and personal life on her own terms.

6. True friendship provides an unwavering anchor in life's storms.

I’m one of those people who will friend you for life, if you’ll have me.

Loyalty as a core value. Busy's deep-seated fear of being "left out" translated into fierce loyalty to her friends. From childhood friendships like Emily Bronkesh-Buchbinder and Rachel Davidson to adult bonds with Linda Cardellini and Michelle Williams, these relationships formed a vital support system throughout her life's ups and downs.

Unconditional support. Her friends consistently provided emotional refuge, practical help, and honest feedback. Whether it was Emily bringing school assignments during an injury, Linda offering career advice, or Michelle providing a safe space during personal crises, these friendships were a constant source of comfort and stability, often when family or romantic relationships were strained.

Shared experiences and growth. Many of her closest friendships were forged through shared experiences, both joyful and challenging. These bonds allowed for mutual understanding, shared laughter, and a sense of not being alone in her struggles, ultimately contributing to her resilience and ability to navigate complex personal and professional landscapes.

7. Motherhood transforms identity, bringing both profound joy and intense anxiety.

My one job in this world was to keep Birdie alive, but I actually had to get another job, too.

Overwhelming transition. Becoming a mother, particularly with her first daughter, Birdie, plunged Busy into a period of intense anxiety and self-doubt. Despite her deep love for her child, she felt overwhelmed, constantly worried about every aspect of Birdie's well-being, and struggled with the immense responsibility, leading to a sense of losing her own identity.

Navigating partnership. The early days of motherhood strained her relationship with Marc, as she felt he was "useless" and not pulling his weight. This imbalance, coupled with her postpartum anxiety, led to moments of intense resentment and thoughts of divorce. However, through communication and external support, they gradually found a way to share the parenting load.

Finding balance and support. The arrival of a trusted nanny, Iliana, proved transformative, allowing Busy to regain some semblance of herself, pursue her career, and enjoy motherhood more fully. The decision to have a second child, Cricket, was met with initial panic but ultimately brought a different, more settled experience, highlighting her growth and the importance of learned lessons.

8. The entertainment industry is a relentless test of perseverance and self-worth.

It only takes one job to change your life. It only takes one.

The audition grind. Busy's career was built on relentless auditioning, often facing constant rejection and the pressure to conform to industry ideals. Despite her talent, she experienced numerous near-misses and the emotional toll of being told she wasn't "right" for parts, reinforcing her insecurities about being "not enough" or "too much."

The "one job" mantra. The belief that "it only takes one job to change your life" became a driving force, pushing her through periods of unemployment and self-doubt. While she acknowledges that she hasn't had "the ONE THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING," her consistent work ethic and ability to secure recurring roles demonstrate a remarkable perseverance in a highly competitive field.

Navigating success and setbacks. Even when successful, the industry presented unique challenges, from the public cancellation of Freaks and Geeks to the humiliating experience of being deemed "too fat" for a role. These setbacks, coupled with the constant scrutiny and the ephemeral nature of fame, required a deep well of resilience and a continuous re-evaluation of her self-worth.

9. Reclaiming your narrative is a powerful act of healing.

I just think you could have done better. As a person.

Challenging the narrative. Throughout her life, Busy often allowed others to define her experiences or minimize her contributions, whether it was the "accident" of her early trauma or the dismissal of her creative input on Blades of Glory. These instances left her feeling "gaslit" and questioning her own reality.

Finding her voice publicly. A pivotal moment came when she confronted a powerful TV executive, Steve Levitan, years after he had publicly belittled her Critics' Choice Award win. This act of speaking her truth, without seeking an apology, was a profound step in reclaiming her narrative and asserting her worth, demonstrating that she was no longer willing to be silenced or dismissed.

Healing through storytelling. Writing her memoir became a therapeutic process, allowing her to revisit past traumas and reframe them from a place of strength and understanding. By sharing her vulnerabilities and triumphs, she not only processed her own experiences but also offered a powerful message of resilience and self-acceptance to others, transforming personal pain into a source of connection and empowerment.

Last updated: August 21, 2025