Tightwads and Spendthrifts

1. Tightwads Experience Real Pain When Spending Money

Much like cheap people, tightwads find spending money painful.

Pain is psychological. Tightwads aren't just cheap or frugal; they experience genuine psychological distress when contemplating spending, even when they know they should spend. This "pain of paying" is a real phenomenon, linked to activity in the insula region of the brain, which processes bodily sensations and emotions.

More than just saving. Unlike the highly frugal who enjoy saving, tightwads are primarily motivated by the aversion to spending. This can lead to distress and regret, as they often spend less than they believe is optimal for their well-being or the well-being of those around them.

Past shapes present. This pain often stems from past financial scarcity. Even when their financial situation improves, the adaptive coping mechanism of avoiding spending can persist, leading to "money dysmorphia" where they feel broke despite having resources.

2. Spendthrifts Lack the Pain of Paying and Neglect Future Expenses

Expenses simply do not loom large in the mind of the spendthrift.

Mental accounting is loose. Spendthrifts often budget informally, if at all, making it hard to track spending. They are prone to "expense neglect," focusing more on potential income increases than expense increases when forecasting their financial future.

What-the-hell effect. Once spendthrifts start spending, it's hard to stop. They are highly susceptible to "shopping momentum" and the "what-the-hell" effect, where an initial purchase makes subsequent spending feel less significant.

• Going to buy one book, spending $130 on others.
• Buying a jewelry cleaner after already grabbing a few things.

Impatience drives decisions. Spendthrifts are significantly more impatient than tightwads, prioritizing immediate gratification over delayed benefits. This leads to impulsive purchases they may later regret, even if they anticipated the regret beforehand.

3. Influence Your Spending by Manipulating the Pain of Paying

By thinking like a marketer, we should be able to effectively reframe many of our spending and saving decisions.

Reduce pain for tightwads. Tightwads can loosen up by reducing payment salience.

• Use credit cards more often, as they make spending less tangible.
• Shop at stores that minimize attention to payment.
• Minimize payment alerts and confirmations.
• Prepay for all-inclusive experiences.

Increase pain for spendthrifts. Spendthrifts can curb spending by increasing payment salience.

• Use cash as much as possible.
• Actively log transactions to make spending visible.
• Use commitment devices or reminders, like a photo or app, to stay mindful of saving goals.

Reframe purchases. Both types can benefit from reframing. Tightwads can view high-end purchases as investments (e.g., durable goods, therapeutic massages), while spendthrifts can use budgeting to "reserve space for indulgence," making planned fun less painful.

4. Financially Opposite Partners Attract, But Differences Cause Conflict

Although tightwads and spendthrifts seem to hit it off because of their differences, those same differences create difficult marriages.

Fatal attraction. While people typically seek partners similar to themselves ("birds of a feather flock together"), tightwads and spendthrifts are often dissatisfied with their own spending tendencies. They may be initially attracted to a partner with the opposite trait, seeing it as a desirable quality they lack.

Conflict arises. However, these initial differences often become sources of significant conflict later in the relationship. Arguments over money are particularly corrosive and a strong predictor of divorce.

• Tightwads are often more irritated by spendthrift partners' spending than vice versa.
• Spendthrifts' spending decisions are often irreversible, unlike tightwads' decisions not to spend.

Spendthrifts' influence. In tightwad/spendthrift couples, joint spending decisions tend to resemble those of dual-spendthrift couples. The partner favoring indulgence often prevails, leading to lower savings and higher debt compared to dual-tightwad couples.

5. Joint Bank Accounts Foster Stronger, More Communal Relationships

By turning “your money” and “my money” into “our money,” opening a joint account may help to stall the normal decline in partners’ communal behaviors.

Communal vs. exchange. Healthy intimate relationships are communal, based on responding to needs without scorekeeping, unlike exchange relationships which track contributions. Joint accounts facilitate this communal mindset by blurring the lines of who earned what.

Psychological money laundering. Direct-depositing income into a joint account makes income differences less salient, creating a "facade of equality" that is particularly beneficial when one partner earns significantly more or less. This reduces the psychological distance from household funds.

Experimental evidence. Research shows couples who exclusively use joint bank accounts report greater relationship satisfaction and fewer financial problems than those with separate accounts. An experiment found couples nudged to open joint accounts maintained higher relationship satisfaction over two years compared to those who kept accounts separate.

6. Financial Translucency, Not Full Transparency, Can Benefit Relationships

If you’re looking for a less invasive approach, aimed at balancing financial and relationship well-being, I would recommend trying the mutual self-audits.

Radical honesty pitfalls. While honesty is vital, complete financial transparency ("radical honesty") can cause unnecessary tension. Trivial purchases, like a $5 iced tea, can become battlegrounds, especially if one partner subscribes to myths like the "latte factor."

Lack of context. Partners may not understand or appreciate spending on hobbies they don't share (e.g., baseball cards vs. needlepoint). Full disclosure can lead to judgment and reduce enthusiasm for important individual pursuits.

Value of known unknowns. Some secrecy, where the existence of private spending is known but the details are not ("known unknowns"), can be healthy. This maintains individuality and prevents trust erosion that comes from needing to scrutinize every transaction.

• Setting aside a "no-questions-asked" personal spending allowance.
• Periodically conducting private "self-audits" of personal spending.

7. Thoughtful Gifts Require Understanding and Sacrifice

Surprise is essential. If it weren’t, we wouldn’t need wrapping paper.

Asking isn't ideal. Simply asking a partner what they want for a gift, while preventing disappointment, misses an opportunity to show deep understanding. Gifts are a nonverbal way to communicate how "seen" a partner feels.

Build understanding. To give better gifts, cultivate a deeper understanding of your partner's inner life—their worries, excitements, goals, and curiosities. Exercises like the "thirty-six questions that lead to love" can facilitate this.

Sacrifice matters. The perceived value of a gift depends on the giver. A great gift requires meaningful sacrifice, but this looks different for tightwads and spendthrifts.

• Tightwads show sacrifice through financial cost (spending money is painful).
• Spendthrifts show sacrifice through time and effort (planning, making something).

8. Children Learn Spending Habits More from Observation Than Advice

To transmit values effectively, you need to live them.

Actions speak louder. Parents often give mixed messages about money, telling kids to save while exhibiting spendthrift behaviors themselves. Research suggests children are more influenced by what they see their parents do with money than by what they hear them say.

Mimicry over time. While young children may not immediately adopt parental spending tendencies, there is evidence that adults' tightwad-spendthrift scores correlate with their parents' scores, and this correlation is stronger for older adults. This suggests we may become more like our parents financially over time.

Unpredictable outcomes. Despite parental influence, children can react in varied ways:

• Replicating parental attitudes.
• Compensating for parental attitudes.
• Rebelling against parental attitudes.

9. Parenting Spending: Defer to Tightwads on Things, Spendthrifts on Experiences

When the disagreement is about spending on material goods, I generally recommend deferring to the more tightwad parent.

Material vs. experiential. Parental disagreements on spending for children can be navigated by considering the type of purchase.

• Material goods: Defer to the tightwad. "Material parenting" (using goods to express love/shape behavior) predicts materialism in adulthood. Too many toys can overwhelm young children.
• Experiences: Defer to the spendthrift. Experiences like family vacations are crucial for bonding and create lasting positive memories, even if imperfect.

Benefits of experiences. Experiential purchases offer benefits beyond the event itself:

• Anticipation and savoring beforehand.
• Positive memory bias afterward.
• Strengthening emotional bonds through shared reminiscing.

10. Marry for Well-Being, Which Needs Love, Money, and Shared Vision

Ultimately, my advice for singles is to marry for well-being.

Beyond love or money. Marrying only for passionate love is risky as it fades. Marrying only for money is difficult (hard to identify wealth, hard to ensure sharing) and doesn't guarantee happiness, as increased income has diminishing returns on well-being past a certain point.

Necessary components. A successful marriage requires a combination:

• Love: Deep companionate love that grows over time.
• Money: Enough financial security to avoid ruin and significant conflict.
• Shared Vision: Similar interests, values, plans, and dreams (though not identical).

Avoid fatal flaws. Even with love and money, irreconcilable differences in core life plans (e.g., desire for children, lifestyle preferences) can be fatal. It's better to identify these early than hope they resolve later.

Seek alignment. Find partners in environments where psychological similarities are likely. Then, assess for both love and financial compatibility, ensuring spending tendencies and financial goals are compatible enough to avoid major conflict.

Last updated: May 20, 2025