Too Nice for Your Own Good

1. Recognize and overcome the pitfalls of excessive niceness

We sincerely want to make the most of our lives, to be close to those who are important to us, and to feel satisfied whenever we try to help others; we abound with good intentions. Yet whenever we talk and act in the nice ways we were taught—and that almost everyone accepts as normal—we are left feeling worn out, unsure of ourselves, and frustrated.

Excessive niceness is counterproductive. While being considerate and kind is generally positive, taking niceness to an extreme can lead to self-sabotage and unfulfilling relationships. Nice people often struggle with:

• Perfectionism and overcommitment
• Inability to express needs and wants
• Suppressing anger and avoiding conflict
• Telling white lies to avoid hurting feelings
• Giving unsolicited advice and rescuing others

Recognize these patterns in yourself. By identifying these behaviors, you can begin to change them and develop more authentic, balanced relationships. This doesn't mean becoming unkind or selfish, but rather learning to respect your own needs and boundaries while still caring for others.

2. Stop trying to be perfect and accept your imperfections

Assume that you've chosen to accept your acceptance, but you still find that living in this world with your flaws and failures is difficult (in other words, like most of us, you have not fully accepted yourself).

Embrace imperfection. Perfectionism is a form of self-sabotage that leads to stress, burnout, and low self-esteem. To overcome it:

• Recognize that perfection is impossible and unnecessary
• Focus on progress and learning rather than flawless performance
• Practice self-compassion and forgiveness for mistakes
• Set realistic expectations and celebrate small victories

Challenge your inner critic. When you catch yourself engaging in perfectionist thinking, question those thoughts. Are they rational? Would you hold others to the same impossible standards? Replace negative self-talk with more balanced, supportive inner dialogue.

Remember that your worth is not determined by your achievements or others' approval. By accepting your imperfections, you free yourself to take risks, learn, and grow without the paralyzing fear of failure.

3. Learn to say "no" and manage your time effectively

If you manage your life, you will avoid going to bed exhausted and angry and rising the next day depressed and burned out.

Prioritize ruthlessly. Saying "yes" to everything leads to overcommitment and burnout. To manage your time and energy effectively:

• Clarify your values and long-term goals
• Learn to say "no" to requests that don't align with your priorities
• Schedule time for self-care and personal pursuits
• Use time management techniques like the Eisenhower Matrix or Pomodoro Technique

Set boundaries. Communicate your limits clearly and respectfully to others. Remember that saying "no" to one thing allows you to say "yes" to something more important.

Develop a system for managing tasks and commitments. This might include:

• Using a planner or digital calendar
• Breaking large projects into smaller, manageable steps
• Regularly reviewing and adjusting your priorities
• Delegating tasks when possible

By managing your time and commitments more effectively, you'll reduce stress and have more energy for the things that truly matter to you.

4. Express your wants and needs assertively

To accept your acceptance, you've done so based on a view of reality that affirms your value. It makes sense to reason, If I were not worth anything, the love that holds at the center of the universe would not count me worthy of acceptance.

Recognize your inherent worth. You have the right to express your wants and needs. Assertiveness is not selfishness; it's a form of honest, respectful communication that benefits both you and others.

To communicate assertively:

1. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs
2. Be specific about what you want
3. Listen to others and consider their perspectives
4. Stay calm and respectful, even if others disagree
5. Be willing to compromise when appropriate

Practice in low-stakes situations. Start by expressing small preferences or requests with people you trust. As you become more comfortable, you can tackle more challenging conversations.

Remember that assertiveness is a skill that improves with practice. Even if you feel uncomfortable at first, keep at it. Over time, you'll find that expressing your needs leads to more authentic relationships and greater personal satisfaction.

5. Process and communicate anger constructively

Anger is not a mistake. A mistake is a bad choice and we do not usually choose to get angry. No one had to teach us how. Anger goes off inside us automatically, without our permission.

Anger is a natural emotion. The mistake is not in feeling angry, but in how we handle it. Instead of suppressing or exploding, learn to process and communicate anger constructively:

1. Acknowledge and accept your anger
2. Take time to calm down and gather your thoughts
3. Identify the root cause of your anger
4. Express your feelings using "I" statements
5. Focus on specific behaviors, not personal attacks
6. Propose solutions or request changes

Use the three-part formula: When [specific behavior occurs], I feel [emotion] because [reason]. For example: "When you interrupt me during meetings, I feel frustrated because it makes me feel like my ideas aren't valued."

Practice empathy and active listening when discussing anger. Try to understand the other person's perspective, even if you disagree. By handling anger constructively, you can address conflicts, improve relationships, and advocate for your needs without damaging connections or compromising your integrity.

6. Respond to irrational attacks with empathy, not reason

Reasoning doesn't take seriously the gap between actual events and the irrationality of those who attack us. We respond based on erroneous assumptions.

Empathy disarms irrational attacks. When faced with an irrational outburst or accusation, resist the urge to defend yourself logically. Instead:

1. Stay calm and composed
2. Listen actively without interrupting
3. Acknowledge the person's emotions
4. Reflect back what you hear to show understanding
5. Ask questions to clarify their perspective
6. Express empathy for their feelings, even if you disagree with their reasoning

Use empathetic phrases like:

• "I can see this is really upsetting for you."
• "It sounds like you're feeling [emotion]. Is that right?"
• "I appreciate you sharing this with me. Help me understand more about..."

Remember that irrational attacks often stem from underlying fears, insecurities, or misunderstandings. By responding with empathy, you create space for the other person to calm down and potentially have a more productive conversation once emotions have settled.

7. Tell the truth tactfully instead of resorting to white lies

Telling the whole truth with humility and sensitivity.

Honesty builds trust and authenticity. While white lies may seem kind in the moment, they ultimately undermine relationships and your own integrity. To tell the truth tactfully:

1. Assess the situation and the other person's readiness to hear the truth
2. Express your concern for the person and the relationship
3. State the truth clearly and concisely, without embellishment
4. Offer support or solutions if appropriate
5. Be prepared for various reactions and respond with empathy

Use "I" statements to soften difficult truths. For example, instead of "Your presentation was boring," try "I found it challenging to follow some parts of the presentation. May I offer some suggestions?"

Remember that tact doesn't mean sugarcoating or avoiding important truths. It means delivering honest feedback in a way that respects the other person's feelings and preserves the relationship. With practice, you can develop the skill of balancing honesty with kindness.

8. Support others without giving unsolicited advice

Detach yourself from their problems.

Empower others to solve their own problems. Giving unsolicited advice, while well-intentioned, often comes across as patronizing and can prevent people from developing their own problem-solving skills. Instead:

1. Listen actively and empathetically
2. Ask open-ended questions to help them explore the issue
3. Reflect back what you hear to ensure understanding
4. Encourage them to consider various options
5. Offer information or resources if requested
6. Support their decisions, even if they differ from what you would do

Use supportive phrases like:

• "That sounds challenging. How are you thinking about handling it?"
• "What options have you considered so far?"
• "Is there any information that would be helpful for you right now?"

By resisting the urge to give advice, you show respect for the other person's capabilities and help them build confidence in their own decision-making abilities. This approach often leads to more satisfying and empowering interactions for both parties.

9. Help addicted loved ones without enabling their behavior

Detachment and empathy are always valuable. They get you off to a good start on the path to being genuinely helpful.

Support recovery, not addiction. When dealing with addicted loved ones, it's crucial to avoid enabling their destructive behavior while still offering support. Here's how:

1. Set clear boundaries and stick to them
2. Express concern and love without judgment
3. Encourage professional help and treatment
4. Avoid covering up or making excuses for their behavior
5. Take care of your own physical and emotional well-being
6. Join support groups for family and friends of addicts

Use "I" statements to express your concerns and boundaries. For example: "I love you, but I won't give you money when I know it's for drugs. I'm here to support your recovery when you're ready."

Remember that you can't force someone to change or recover. Your role is to offer support, maintain healthy boundaries, and take care of yourself. By avoiding enabling behaviors, you create an environment that supports recovery rather than perpetuating the addiction.

10. Offer genuine support to the bereaved without shielding them from grief

Grief is the painful adjustment we all must make when something goes wrong or threatens us.

Allow space for grief. Well-meaning attempts to protect people from their pain often backfire, prolonging the grieving process. Instead of trying to "fix" their grief or distract them from it:

1. Be present and listen without judgment
2. Acknowledge their loss and the difficulty of their experience
3. Allow them to express their emotions freely
4. Offer practical help with everyday tasks
5. Use the deceased person's name and share memories if appropriate
6. Continue to check in and offer support over time

Avoid platitudes like "They're in a better place" or "Time heals all wounds." Instead, use simple, heartfelt expressions of support:

• "I'm so sorry for your loss."
• "I'm here for you, whatever you need."
• "There are no words, but please know I care."

Remember that grief is a unique and personal process. There's no timeline or "right way" to grieve. By offering genuine support without trying to shield the bereaved from their pain, you help create a safe space for them to process their loss and eventually heal.

Last updated: October 21, 2024