Unreliable Narrator

1. Impostor Syndrome: More Systemic Than Personal

If you need a definition of impostor syndrome, please, allow me.

Defining the phenomenon. Impostor syndrome, added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary in 2020, is characterized by persistent self-doubt and fear of being exposed as a fraud, despite evidence of success. Originally studied in high-achieving women by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes, it's now recognized across demographics, though women often report higher intensity.

Beyond individual psychology. While often framed as a personal psychological issue, some argue impostor syndrome is a symptom of systemic problems like racism, classism, and gender bias. These societal structures can make individuals, particularly those from marginalized groups, feel inherently less qualified or deserving, regardless of their actual abilities. The pressure to appear confident, especially for those expected to be agreeable, can also lead to internalizing the "fraud" feeling.

Questioning its existence. The term itself is debated, with some calling it a common human experience rather than a syndrome. Others see it as a corporate shorthand that shifts blame from workplace power structures to the individual. Regardless of its clinical definition, the experience of feeling like a fraud resonates widely, especially for those navigating fields or spaces where they are underrepresented.

2. Mental Health: Beyond the Visible Symptoms

When I am verging on a more serious stint with Brenda, it’s all I want to talk about.

Living with depression. The author personifies her depression as "Brenda," highlighting its intrusive and often self-centered nature. Depression isn't always the dramatic, visible despair often depicted; it can be a quieter, persistent low mood (dysthymia or persistent depressive disorder) that coexists with daily functioning. This "high-functioning" aspect can lead to self-doubt about the validity of one's own suffering.

The isolating experience. Explaining depression to those who haven't experienced it can be challenging, often met with well-intentioned but unhelpful advice. The most understanding conversations often happen with others who also live with it, creating a shared, albeit sometimes weary, space of recognition. However, when emerging from a depressive episode, there can be a fear of being pulled back in by engaging with others who are struggling.

Treatment and commodification. Managing depression often involves a combination of therapy and medication, which can be a long process of finding the right fit. Despite the life-saving potential of these interventions, mental illness terms like "anxiety" and "depression" have become increasingly commodified and popularized online. This trend, while reducing stigma, risks oversimplifying complex disorders and blurring the line between genuine struggle and trendy self-labeling, potentially making it harder for those with severe conditions to feel understood.

3. Body Image: A Societal, Not Just Personal, Battle

If you ask implicit bias, a woman’s looks are the staging for so many morality plays regarding the measure of her life.

Societal beauty standards. From a young age, women, particularly women of color, face immense pressure to conform to narrow, often Eurocentric, beauty ideals. This fixation on appearance is reinforced by media, industry standards (like entertainment), and even casual interactions, leading to internalized insecurity and the feeling that one's worth is tied to physical attractiveness. The author's childhood desire to blend in and her later cosmetic surgeries illustrate this deep-seated pressure.

Beauty as privilege. Attractiveness confers undeniable advantages in society, including better job prospects, higher salaries, and more favorable treatment. However, this "pretty privilege" is conditional and often excludes marginalized identities. The beauty industrial complex profits from perpetual dissatisfaction, framing self-improvement as self-care while encouraging endless consumption of products and procedures.

The pursuit of "fixing" oneself. The author's experiences with an eating disorder and cosmetic surgeries highlight the lengths to which individuals may go to align with perceived standards. These attempts to "fix" perceived flaws often lead to unexpected outcomes and the realization that external changes don't resolve internal insecurities. Ultimately, accepting one's body and appearance becomes a practice of resisting external judgment and finding freedom in not conforming.

4. Introversion: A Strength, Not a Weakness

Believing loudness and extroversion are irreproachable, best-in-show character traits is a prized American conceit.

Challenging extrovert bias. Society often equates extroversion with confidence, leadership, and success, viewing introversion or shyness as traits to be overcome. This bias can make quiet individuals feel inadequate or like they are "giving up space." The author's childhood experiences, like struggling to order pizza or talk to teachers, illustrate the discomfort caused by this societal expectation.

Finding voice through performance. Despite initial shyness, the author found that comedy provided a unique channel for self-expression. Stand-up, while seemingly requiring extroversion, can be a space where introverts thrive, using observation and internal processing to create humor. The stage offers a controlled environment to connect with others, a contrast to the unpredictable nature of social interactions.

Reclaiming introversion. As the author's career progressed, she realized that her introversion wasn't a flaw but a fundamental part of her identity. Many successful performers, like Missy Elliott or Bridget Everett, are introverts who have developed an "extroverted mode" for their work. Embracing introversion means setting boundaries, prioritizing recharge time, and recognizing that quietness can be a source of strength, observation, and unique perspective.

5. Procrastination: A Mask for Deeper Fears

My own creative process is frustrating and grayscale boring.

Beyond laziness. Procrastination is often more than just poor time management; it can be a form of "emotional avoidance," particularly for perfectionists. The fear of not being able to create something good enough, or facing the limitations of reality compared to idealized fantasies, can make starting work feel daunting. The author's struggles with writing this book, including "fear napping," exemplify this.

The hustle culture conflict. The pressure to be constantly productive and optimize every moment is deeply ingrained in modern culture, stemming from historical factors like the industrial age and the American dream. This ethos clashes with natural inclinations towards slower tempos or periods of rest. The author's internal conflict between Type A fixations and Type B reflexes highlights the difficulty of navigating this pressure.

Finding value in "not doing." While rooted in avoidance, the act of "not doing" can inadvertently lead to moments of ease, stillness, and observation. Questioning the relentless pursuit of productivity allows for a different relationship with time, one less bound by rigid schedules and more attuned to intuition and the present moment. Embracing these pauses, rather than viewing them as failures, can be a form of resistance against the tyranny of the clock.

6. Anger: The Suppressed, Necessary Emotion

When faced with anything less than open sunniness from someone, I immediately wonder, Are you mad at me?

Fear of conflict. The author's deep-seated fear of anger stems partly from witnessing volatile family dynamics in childhood. This led to a pattern of conflict avoidance and internalizing grievances, becoming a "toxic shit-talking party of one." The inability to express anger outwardly results in it manifesting internally or in passive ways.

Gendered expectations of anger. Society treats male and female anger very differently. Male anger is often seen as passionate or strong, while female anger is pathologized, dismissed, or seen as unattractive and problematic. Women, especially women of color, face significant backlash and judgment for expressing anger, often expected to remain calm and agreeable even when justified. This pressure forces many to suppress or carefully perform their anger.

Anger as a catalyst. Despite the fear, anger is a vital human emotion that signals when boundaries are crossed or injustices occur. While comedy can be an outlet for anger, genuine, untamed anger is often uncomfortable for audiences because it demands attention without the promise of a joke. Learning to acknowledge and express anger, even imperfectly, is crucial for self-respect and navigating a world filled with systemic injustices, serving as fuel for action rather than despair.

7. Relationships: Finding Acceptance, Not Just Romance

I have always loved the idea of finding the one, but more as a form of security than making my heart soft and pudding-y for someone else.

Seeking external validation. Early romantic interests were often driven by a desire for external validation and the hope that someone else might see worth that the author couldn't see in herself. This led to pursuing individuals who seemed to possess qualities she coveted, viewing relationships as a means to gain social capital or understand how others navigated the world.

Navigating intimacy and sexuality. The author's journey with physical intimacy was marked by hesitation and discomfort, often feeling detached or performing expected behaviors ("empty consent"). Societal messaging around female sexuality is often contradictory and fear-based, making it difficult to develop an intuitive sense of desire. Realizing that a lack of strong interest in sex with others is simply a personal trait, rather than a problem to be fixed or a sign of being "frigid," became a source of liberation.

Finding authentic connection. Moving beyond seeking validation or trying to fit into romantic tropes, the author found a partner who offers genuine acceptance and ease. This relationship is built on mutual respect, shared values, and the comfort of being oneself, including the less conventional aspects. Finding someone with whom she can be quiet and unguarded represents a profound sense of belonging and home.

8. Identity: Navigating External Expectations

I was playing at whiteness and cishet maleness, albeit through my own filter.

The burden of representation. As a South Asian American woman in a predominantly white industry, the author often felt pressure to represent her identity in specific ways, sometimes advised to downplay her ethnicity or change her name. This experience highlights how marginalized identities can be seen as "niche" or tokenized, forcing individuals to navigate external expectations of what their story "should" be.

Assimilation and compartmentalization. Growing up in a white suburb, the author's South Asian identity was often compartmentalized from her school life, leading to a sense of being an outsider in both worlds. Attempting to assimilate involved suppressing cultural aspects and adopting behaviors perceived as "neutral" or white, a form of self-preservation that came at the cost of fully embracing her background.

Challenging stereotypes and tokenism. While visibility for minority groups has increased, the film and TV industries still struggle with equitable representation, particularly behind the camera. Minority-led projects can face pressure to be universally relatable or critically flawless, perpetuating tokenism. The author's journey involves reclaiming her narrative, weaving her identity into her work on her own terms, and advocating for the right of marginalized artists to explore their experiences with complexity and even "mediocrity."

9. Online World: A Performance of Opinions

Everything reeks of FONK—the fear of not knowing.

The pressure to have opinions. The internet, particularly social media, fosters a culture of constant opinion-sharing and immediate reaction. There's an implicit pressure to be informed about everything and to formulate and update one's stance in real-time, often driven by algorithms that reward engagement. This creates a "fear of not knowing" and a sense of being perpetually behind.

The performance of self. Online platforms encourage a heightened, often hyperbolic, performance of self and opinions. Individuals can become more like products or ideas than complex human beings, leading to a focus on appearing "right" or "woke" to avoid backlash ("cancel culture"). This environment makes genuine dialogue difficult and can erode trust in one's own judgment.

Seeking perspective offline. Stepping away from constant online engagement can reveal the artificiality of this performance culture and the limited perspective it offers. While staying informed is important, the relentless churn of subjective information can be overwhelming and disorienting. Finding alternative ways to connect and gather information, and accepting that one cannot know or have a strong opinion on everything, allows for more breathing room and a clearer sense of self.

10. Embracing Imperfection: The Path to Self-Acceptance

Being alive is about holding the truth of who you are as dear as any imagined reality of how a person could or should be.

Challenging the ideal self. Throughout the book, the author grapples with perceived flaws and inconsistencies – shyness, anxiety, body image issues, procrastination, difficulty with anger, unconventional sexuality, navigating identity. These internal struggles are often amplified by external societal expectations and the pressure to conform to idealized versions of competence, attractiveness, and personality.

Finding strength in vulnerability. Sharing these struggles, initially through comedy and later more directly, became a way to process and reclaim aspects of herself that felt shameful. While this openness sometimes led to unforeseen complications or external judgment, it also fostered connection with others who related to similar experiences, revealing that perceived weaknesses are often shared human conditions.

Accepting the messy reality. Ultimately, the journey is towards accepting the "nonbinary, nuanced truth" that we are all a complex mix of failures and successes, strengths and weaknesses. There is no perfect, finished version of the self to achieve. Embracing contradictions, letting go of the need for external validation, and finding peace in the "not doing" or the "not fitting in" allows for a more authentic and grounded existence, even in a world that constantly demands performance and perfection.

Last updated: May 30, 2025