What Should I Do with My Life?

1. Finding Your Path Isn't About Destiny, But Meaning You Create.

His purpose was given to him, but he’d had to go find it anyway.

Destiny isn't delivered. The idea that your life's purpose will arrive on a silver platter, like a letter from the Dalai Lama, is a seductive fantasy. Even for someone believed to be a reincarnation of a spiritual leader, like Za Rinpoche, the path wasn't easy or automatic; he had to actively choose it and fight against his own doubts and desires.

Meaning is self-created. True fulfillment doesn't come from a predetermined plan, but from experiences that shape you and give your life significance. Janelle London's kidney failure didn't automatically make her an organ donation activist; she initially pushed the cause away. It was her later, conscious decision to embrace her trauma and work in the field that gave her life new meaning.

Follow your curiosity. A genuine sign from deep within is often simple curiosity. Following where your curiosity leads, even without a clear reason, can uncover unexpected paths and connections, as the author did in seeking out Rinpoche and Janelle. This raw urge is often the beginning of discovering what truly resonates with you.

2. Your Biggest Obstacles Are Internal: Confront Your Fears and Misconceptions.

First, recognize its existence—what kind of fear is it?

Fears create roadblocks. Psychological stumbling blocks, often rooted in fear, prevent people from finding their true path. These aren't just abstract concepts; they manifest as tangible anxieties and self-sabotaging behaviors. Recognizing the specific nature of your fear is the crucial first step.

Misconceptions fuel fears. Fears fabricate and sustain misconceptions about the search for meaning. Examples include:

• Believing the question is only for the privileged.
• Fearing your passions are impractical.
• Thinking your choices are irreversible.
• Assuming your life hasn't started until you find "the answer."

Healing requires attention. Just like a physical wound, fears need attention to heal. Ignoring them allows them to fester and consume emotional energy. By acknowledging and understanding your fears, you create an environment where truth and clarity can emerge naturally.

3. Don't Let the Fear of Being Impractical Stop You; Trust Your Deepest Urges.

Curiosity is a raw and genuine sign from deep inside our tangled psyches, and we’d do well to follow the direction it points us in.

Impracticality is a common fear. Many people, like Marcela Widrig, are too practical to pursue unconventional dreams initially. They choose stable, sensible careers even when their hearts pull them elsewhere, fearing they can't make a living doing what they love.

Listen to your body. Unhappiness and fear can manifest as physical pain or discomfort. Marcela's migraines and fatigue were signs she was out of sync. Paying attention to these physical cues can reveal underlying dissatisfaction that intellectual analysis might miss.

Embrace your fears. The Grinberg method suggests that carrying negative energy (like fear) is like carrying a heavy weight. Acknowledging and embracing these fears, rather than pushing them down, allows you to release them and connect more genuinely with others and your true desires, as Marcela did when her bodywork practice finally took off after she stopped fearing failure.

4. Seek Fulfillment and Significance, Not Just Excitement and Stimulation.

The relevant question is not what you will do, but who you will become.

Brain candy isn't enough. Many, especially younger generations, seek work that provides constant stimulation, intensity, and challenge. However, this "brain candy" often leads to burnout or boredom because it lacks deeper meaning. Lori Gottlieb's experience in Hollywood and then dropping out of medical school illustrates this search for external highs.

Focus on transformation. The true value of work lies in how it shapes you as a person. The relevant question is not just about the tasks you perform, but the belief system you adopt and what becomes important in your life. This shift in focus personalizes the stakes and makes self-deception harder.

Meaning endures. While stimulation is fleeting, work that is meaningful, significant, and fulfilling provides lasting gratification. People who have found their place rarely talk about constant highs; they talk about how their work is interwoven with their personal history and contributes to something they deeply believe in.

5. Stop Trying to Impress Others; Define Success on Your Own Terms.

Tim was never going to open up to his own gifts until he was able to turn off his need to prove his worth by other people’s yardstick.

External validation is a trap. Measuring your worth by others' standards, whether it's family expectations, industry prestige, or social status, can prevent you from pursuing your true path. Tim Bratcher's struggle to escape the need to impress people back home and his former firm illustrates this.

The "What do you do?" question. This common social custom can feel degrading if you're not proud of your answer. However, it also serves as a reminder of the opportunity in a wealthy society to choose work aligned with your nature. If the question bothers you, it might be a sign you're not living authentically.

Identify your "inner circle." Recognize whose opinions you are filtering your choices through. Is it your parents, former colleagues, or a specific social group? Breaking free requires consciously choosing to value your own assessment of your life over theirs, even if it means risking their disapproval.

6. Your Past Experiences, Especially the Hard Ones, Are Material for Your Future.

In accepting my past—in not asking it to be more dramatic than it was—in not asking it to compare with other people’s stories—I could finally wake up to how it had shaped me, and embrace where it was steering me.

Embrace your history. Don't dismiss your past, even the seemingly mundane or negative parts, as wasted time. Your experiences, trials, and errors have shaped who you are and provided valuable lessons and skills. The author's diverse early jobs, like being a litigation consultant or greeting card designer, unexpectedly prepared him for a writing career.

Find the legacy. Instead of just recounting experiences, focus on how they changed you. How are you different today because of what you went through? This reflection transforms past events into meaningful components of your life's story.

Work with what you have. You don't need a dramatic or unique history to have a story worth telling or a passion to pursue. Your material is already at hand. Accepting your life for what it is, rather than wishing it were different, allows you to see how it has prepared you for where you are headed.

7. Environment Matters: Find a Place and Community That Supports Who You Want to Become.

I can’t emphasize enough the sway of being in a community of like-minded people.

Location influences ambition. The environment you live and work in significantly impacts your ambition and sense of self. Competitive cities can fuel external validation seeking, while laid-back places can stifle motivation. Finding the right balance is key, as seen in the experiences of those who moved to or from New Orleans.

Community provides support. Being surrounded by people who share your aspirations and values is crucial for staying motivated and believing in your path. The author's experience at the Writers' Grotto and Bart Handford finding his people in the Clinton campaign headquarters highlight the power of like-minded communities.

Change of scenery can help. Sometimes, physically removing yourself from a toxic or unsupportive environment is necessary to gain perspective and break old habits. Carl Kurlander's move from Hollywood to Pittsburgh helped him reconnect with his authentic voice, even if the new environment presented its own challenges.

8. Relationships Deeply Influence Your Choices; Navigate Them Consciously.

Dual ambitions will tear many relationships apart, inevitably, but no couple wants to accept that possibility.

Relationships create conflict. Pursuing your individual path often creates tension with the people you love. Fears of hurting your partner or family can be a major obstacle to making necessary changes, as seen in Mark Kraschel's struggles to balance his career ambitions with his relationships.

Family expectations weigh heavily. Parental and family expectations, whether explicit or implicit, can make pursuing an unconventional path feel like a betrayal. Chi Tschang's father's disapproval of his teaching career and Ana Miyares's family wanting her committed for leaving banking illustrate this pressure.

Conscious navigation is key. There are no easy answers for balancing individual aspirations with relationship needs. Open communication and a willingness to navigate compromises are essential. While some couples find ways to support dual ambitions or even work together, others face the difficult reality that their paths may diverge.

9. The Hardest Challenges and Losses Can Be the Most Liberating.

I learned that the hardest things are the most liberating.

Pain can be a catalyst. Significant loss, failure, or trauma, while devastating, can strip away misconceptions and fears, forcing you to confront what truly matters. Kurt Slauson's brother's suicide and the author's divorce, while incredibly painful, ultimately led to profound self-discovery and a clearer sense of purpose.

Failure provides perspective. Experiencing failure, especially after a period of perceived success, can be a humbling but necessary lesson. It forces you to question your motivations and reassess your values, as seen in Mark Kraschel's career derailment and the experiences of many dot-commers after the crash.

Embrace discomfort. Growth often happens outside your comfort zone. Traveling alone, facing rejection, or starting over from scratch can be scary but build resilience and self-reliance. These experiences teach you that you can handle being alone and navigate uncertainty, removing major barriers to pursuing your dreams.

10. True Fulfillment Often Comes from Contribution and Connecting with Others.

For the first time in my life I was helping to build a cathedral.

Meaning through service. Contributing to something larger than yourself provides a deep sense of purpose and fulfillment that individual achievement often lacks. Bart Handford's experience working on the Clinton campaign and later in rural development, and Mike Jenzeh's import business supporting Costa Rican workers, illustrate this "cathedral building" effect.

Shift focus from self. Overcoming the need for external validation and making your life "not about me" is crucial for finding this kind of meaning. Mike Jenzeh's "Success Formula" emphasizes giving to others and satisfying the desires of the afflicted as the path to personal light and strength.

Connection is key. Meaningful work often involves genuine human connection. Claude Sidi's realization that he preferred working with people over marine biology, and Rick Olson's renewed connection with his son Patrick, highlight the importance of relationships in finding fulfillment.

11. Getting Rich First Doesn't Guarantee You'll Chase Your Dream Later.

Failure’s hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you’re successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever.

The "lockbox fantasy" is rare. The idea of putting your dream on hold, making "Fuck You money," and then returning to pursue your passion is a common fantasy but rarely succeeds in reality. The author found no examples of this among the many wealthy individuals he interviewed.

Success changes you. Becoming financially successful takes time, effort, and sacrifice. It changes your values and psychological makeup, often making it difficult to walk away from the world you've adapted to. Joe Olchefske's initial focus on financial success before finding his calling in education reform illustrates a more common path.

Golden handcuffs are real. The combination of high salary, prestige, and opportunity can make it incredibly difficult to leave a job, even if it's not fulfilling. Many people remain trapped by their financial success, unable to cut off the pipeline of cash despite fantasizing about changing their lives.

12. Listen to Your Heart, Not Just Your Head; It Guides Deeper Commitment.

Being guided by the heart is almost never something an intellectually motivated person chooses to do. It’s something that happens to them—usually something painful.

Intellect vs. Emotion. Intellectually motivated decisions, based on rational analysis and criteria, often lead to jobs that are stimulating but lack deep meaning. True commitment and passion often stem from emotional experiences, sometimes painful ones, that open your heart.

The "Crap Factor" is bearable. Work guided by the heart allows you to endure the inevitable frustrations and bureaucracy ("crap") that come with any job. The right question isn't how to avoid the crap, but how to find work that moves you deeply enough to make the crap bearable.

Transformation requires heart. Shifting from an intellectual pursuit to a path guided by the heart is often a transformative process, not a simple choice. Joe Olchefske's commitment to the Seattle school district solidified only after the emotional impact of John Stanford's death changed his perspective from a "bloodless green eyeshade" to someone guided by his heart.

Last updated: May 5, 2025