What They Forgot to Teach You at School

1. Embrace Self-Criticism and Self-Compassion

We are, most of us, supremely gifted at the art of self-hatred.

Balanced self-reflection. Self-criticism can be a valuable tool for growth, but excessive self-flagellation undermines our mood and performance. To correct unproductive self-accusations, remember:

• Failure is the norm: We possess limited information about ourselves and life's conditions.
• Everyone is a mess: Others hide their inner turmoil, shame, and regrets skillfully.
• Our brains are faulty: They are unreliable, blind, forgetful, and misleading organs.

Cultivate self-compassion by acknowledging that genuine love isn't blind to defects but compassionate towards them. Extend the same kindness to yourself that you would to a loved one, recognizing that self-love is a rare and truly adult achievement.

2. Understand Your Childhood's Impact on Adult Life

Our chances of leading a fulfilled adult life depend overwhelmingly on our knowledge of, and engagement with, the nature of our own childhoods, for it is in this period that the dominant share of our adult identity is moulded and our characteristic expectations and responses set.

Uncover childhood influences. Our early experiences shape our adult identity, relationships, and expectations. Without proper understanding, we risk foundering on our psychological complexities, leading to anxiety, lack of trust, and self-loathing.

Key insights:

• Childhood experiences set our dominant expectations and responses
• Unresolved childhood issues can manifest as adult emotional challenges
• Self-awareness and reflection on our past are crucial for personal growth

To thrive, we must examine our childhoods non-defensively, recognizing how they've shaped our current behaviors and beliefs. This understanding allows us to break free from destructive patterns and cultivate healthier relationships and self-perceptions.

3. Develop Emotional Maturity and Resilience

Emotional maturity: Communication, Trust and Vulnerability.

Cultivate emotional intelligence. Emotional maturity involves developing three key virtues: communication, trust, and vulnerability. These traits enable us to navigate relationships and life challenges more effectively.

Markers of emotional maturity:

1. Capacity to explain: Articulate feelings and reasons for being upset
2. Capacity to stay calm: Give others the benefit of the doubt and avoid hasty reactions
3. Capacity to be vulnerable: Accept that closeness involves potential hurt

Developing these skills may require significant effort, especially if not learned during childhood. However, investing time in emotional growth can lead to more fulfilling relationships and a greater sense of self-awareness.

4. Practice Kindness and Repair Relationships

To choose a partner is the most important job interview we are ever asked to carry out.

Foster healthy connections. Kindness and the ability to repair relationships are crucial for maintaining strong, lasting bonds. Recognize that everyone is sensitive and craves reassurance, making small acts of kindness powerful tools for emotional support.

Key relationship skills:

• Apologize sincerely when necessary
• Forgive others, understanding that good people can make mistakes
• Teach and learn from each other with patience and openness

Practice these skills in all relationships, but especially when choosing a life partner. Approach partner selection with the same seriousness as a job interview, recognizing its potential impact on your future happiness and wellbeing.

5. Manage Moods and Listen to Your Inner Adult

We are, in truth, far more like an assemblage of voices or – as we might put it at its starkest – of 'people'.

Emotional self-regulation. Our moods are subject to fluctuation, but we can learn to manage them more effectively. Recognize that our minds consist of various 'voices,' including an inner adult capable of providing wisdom and perspective.

Strategies for mood management:

• Acknowledge vulnerability to 'small things'
• Edit your social life to minimize negative influences
• Honor your body's needs (sleep, nutrition, exercise)
• Historicize moods, recognizing their roots in past experiences

Cultivate your inner adult voice by asking, "What would the adult say here?" in challenging situations. This practice can help you respond to difficulties with greater wisdom and emotional balance.

6. Choose Partners Carefully and Cultivate Dating Resilience

For one in four of us, the process goes wrong. There is no one on hand to care properly.

Mindful partner selection. Our childhood experiences significantly influence our adult relationships. Those who experienced early attachment issues may struggle with dating and partner selection, often unconsciously seeking to confirm feelings of unworthiness.

To improve dating resilience:

• Recognize past traumas and their impact on current behavior
• Separate past experiences from present reality
• Develop self-compassion and realistic expectations

Approach partner selection with careful consideration, understanding that our instincts may be unreliable guides. Seek partners who offer genuine kindness and support, even if it feels unfamiliar or initially uncomfortable.

7. Recognize Life's Brevity and Pursue Authentic Freedom

Time moves more or less slowly according to the vagaries of the human mind: it may fly or it may drag.

Live deliberately. Our perception of time changes as we age, often leaving us feeling that life is passing too quickly. To combat this, focus on creating novel experiences and appreciating the world around you with childlike wonder.

Strategies for a fuller life:

• Seek out new experiences in your everyday environment
• Practice mindfulness and attentiveness to daily details
• Pursue authentic freedom by following your true desires, even if they disappoint others

Remember that freedom isn't about having no obligations, but about choosing obligations that align with your authentic self. Dare to disappoint others in pursuit of your true path, recognizing that meeting your own expectations is the ultimate form of freedom.

8. Always Have a Plan B and Be Selectively Selfish

We are a profoundly adaptable species.

Embrace flexibility. Life often deviates from our initial plans, making it crucial to develop the ability to adapt and create alternative paths. Cultivate confidence in your capacity to navigate unexpected changes and challenges.

Key points:

• Acknowledge that plan As often fail for everyone
• Recognize your adaptability as an adult
• Study others who have successfully pivoted in life

Additionally, learn to be selectively selfish. Prioritize your own needs and aspirations at times, understanding that self-care is essential for long-term wellbeing and the ability to contribute meaningfully to others' lives.

9. Challenge Authority and Think Independently

We shouldn't blame ourselves, just accept that we need to learn how to do a very unfamiliar and for us rather extraordinary thing: treat ourselves well.

Cultivate critical thinking. Our early experiences often teach us to defer to authority unquestioningly. However, true growth and fulfillment come from challenging this mindset and developing independent thought.

Steps towards independent thinking:

• Question societal norms and expectations
• Trust your own experiences and observations
• Dare to form and express original ideas

Remember that no one truly knows everything, including those in positions of authority. Embrace the uncertainty of life and the power of your own reasoning. Treating yourself well often means trusting your own judgement and pursuing paths that may not align with conventional wisdom or others' expectations.

Last updated: August 19, 2024