You'll Never Believe Me

1. Early Identity Struggles Fueled Deception

my secret weapon was my words.

Childhood otherness. Growing up as one of the only Asian children in a predominantly white Utah school, the author faced constant questions and bullying about her appearance and adoption. These experiences created a deep sense of being "The Other" and a desire to blend in, leading her to develop a powerful command of language as a defense mechanism.

Adoption unknowns. Her understanding of her origins was limited: born in South Korea, given up due to poverty, and adopted at five months old. While she felt loved by her adoptive parents, the lack of specific details about her birth family and the cultural isolation contributed to a feeling of being disconnected and constantly questioning her identity and place in the world.

Words as power. The author quickly learned that she could use her words to deflect, entertain, and control how others perceived her. This early realization that language could be a tool for manipulation and self-preservation laid the groundwork for the deceptive patterns that would emerge later in her life, as she sought validation and acceptance.

2. Mormonism: Community, Control, and Confusion

The church dictated our lives in pretty much every way, especially socially.

Seeking belonging. The author's family converted to Mormonism when she was young, seeking community and answers in Phoenix, Arizona. The church offered a strong social structure and the promise of salvation, which appealed to her parents, leading them to move to Salt Lake City, Utah, the heart of Mormon culture.

Strict doctrine. Growing up Mormon meant adhering to strict rules and expectations, including tithing, daily prayer, and participation in numerous church activities. The emphasis on purity, modesty (reinforced by "garments"), and obedience to male leaders created a controlling environment that suppressed natural emotions and curiosities, particularly regarding sexuality and questioning authority.

Racial and sexual confusion. The church's historical texts contained racist passages linking dark skin to wickedness, which complicated the author's identity as a Person of Color. Discovering her attraction to women clashed with the church's condemnation of queerness, leading to intense shame and secret struggles, further reinforcing the need for deception and hiding her true self.

3. Body Image and Seeking Validation

From that moment forward, my weight was what stood between me and my eternal salvation.

Weight and worth. Childhood experiences, including a restaurant that charged kids by weight and comments from adults and peers, linked the author's body size to her value and desirability. This was compounded by the church's teachings that self-care and physical appearance were tied to eternal salvation and attracting a husband.

Comparison and insecurity. Constantly comparing herself to thinner, white peers and even her own cousin reinforced feelings of inadequacy. The pressure to conform to societal and religious beauty standards created anxiety around eating and led to early attempts at calorie counting and food journaling, laying the groundwork for disordered eating patterns.

Using appearance. As she entered puberty and developed physically, the author realized her body could attract attention and be used to her advantage. This newfound power, initially used for small things like getting out of trouble, became another tool in her arsenal of manipulation, linking her physical self-worth to external validation and control over others.

4. Rebellion, Larceny, and the Round House Crew

not caring was freedom, and not caring was not actually possible, which would eventually present a problem.

Finding misfits. Disillusioned with school and the church, the author began skipping seminary and classes, finding community with other truants and "bad kids" from a nearby mining town. This group, also largely ex-Mormon, bonded over shared malaise, resentment towards the establishment, and a burgeoning interest in radical ideologies.

Suburban larceny. Their rebellion manifested in typical teenage boredom-fueled activities, including retail theft. Stealing from large corporations felt like a victimless crime and a way to strike back against perceived societal inequities and capitalism, providing a sense of excitement and defiance against their conventional suburban lives.

Validation through crime. The author found validation and acceptance within this new group, particularly through her "skills" in shoplifting. Winning challenges like "largest item" provided a rush of dopamine and a sense of belonging, reinforcing the deceptive behavior as a means to gain approval and feel useful, even as her home life became unstable due to her parents' divorce.

5. NYC Dreams, Deception, and Public Downfall

I was digging a hole no one told me to dig.

Escaping the past. After the gun incident and her parents' divorce, the author moved to Arizona but quickly planned her return to Salt Lake City, driven by a desire for a fresh start and a relationship with Charlie. She lied about her job and age to impress his bandmates, digging a deeper hole of deception from the outset.

Relationship as a mark. Her relationship with Charlie, initially based on genuine connection, quickly became another arena for manipulation. She tested his trust, used sex and emotional blackmail to control him, and eventually began scamming him and other friends using bounced checks, rationalizing it as temporary borrowing or revenge against the system.

The Hipster Grifter. Moving to New York City for a new life, the author continued her pattern of petty theft and deception while seeking a legitimate career. Her lies and scams eventually caught up to her when her mug shot and story were published online, leading to viral fame as the "Hipster Grifter" and exposing her past to her new friends and employer.

6. Jail: A Twisted Sense of Community and Self

Saying it aloud—I stole money!—felt as oddly empowering as it was imprisoning (literally).

Arrest and intake. Apprehended in Philadelphia, the author experienced the dehumanizing process of arrest, strip search, and intake into jail. Despite the terror, she found herself performing and making jokes, a coping mechanism that persisted even in confinement.

Finding community inside. Within the jail, she found an unexpected sense of community among the inmates. Stripped of outside pretense, relationships formed quickly based on shared experiences, necessity, and mutual support. She learned the "lay of the land," including the informal economy and rules of survival.

Viral fame inside. Her identity as the "Hipster Grifter" was revealed through the news, leading to her becoming a minor celebrity within the jail. This notoriety, while stemming from her downfall, paradoxically provided a form of validation and acceptance among her fellow inmates, allowing her to openly acknowledge her actions for the first time.

7. The Long Road of Consequences and Probation

The road to redemption, I was learning, is paved with speed bumps and hurdles.

Extradition and return. After months in Philadelphia, the author was extradited back to Utah via a commercial flight, a surreal experience highlighting the absurdity of her situation. Her return to Salt Lake City meant facing the legal consequences of her actions and navigating the complexities of the Utah justice system.

Legal and financial burdens. Facing multiple felony charges, the author also had to contend with "pay to stay" jail fees and the need to find employment while on probation. The financial strain and the difficulty of securing a job with a criminal record pushed her back towards reoffending, initially targeting institutions rather than individuals.

Probation challenges. Life on probation involved regular check-ins, restrictions on who she could live with, and the constant threat of being sent back to jail for minor infractions. The struggle to maintain a stable life while under state supervision and dealing with the lingering consequences of her past actions proved to be a significant hurdle on her path to redemption.

8. Therapy, Han, and Unpacking Trauma

Han is complicated and tricky, there to comfort you on occasion and crucify you the next.

Seeking help. Years after her release and despite building a seemingly stable life, the author's inner turmoil persisted. Plagued by anxiety, impulsivity, and unresolved trauma, she finally sought therapy, initially downplaying the impact of her adoption and past experiences.

Discovering Han. Through therapy and connecting with the Korean adoptee community, she discovered the concept of "han," a complex Korean emotion encompassing unresolved resentment, pain, and a desire for revenge or justice. This concept resonated deeply, providing a framework for understanding the deep-seated feelings of loss and injustice that had driven her actions.

Processing the past. Understanding han helped her connect her deceptive behavior and need for control to the trauma of abandonment and the complexities of her identity. Therapy became a space to unpack these feelings, acknowledge the harm she had caused, and begin the difficult process of integrating her past with her present self, moving towards authenticity.

9. The Lingering Shadow of the Past

How was it fair that something that defined a person a decade ago could follow them around like Peter Pan’s fucked-up shadow?

Public identity. Despite her legal record being expunged, the "Hipster Grifter" moniker and the viral nature of her story meant her past was easily discoverable online. This public identity created constant paranoia and the fear of being "caught" whenever she started a new job or met new people.

Hiding at work. To mitigate the risk, the author adopted strategies like using her middle name professionally, blocking coworkers on social media, and hiding her distinctive tattoo. This constant vigilance and code-switching created a duality between her public and private selves, making it difficult to fully relax or feel secure in her professional life.

Impact on relationships. While she built strong, authentic relationships with friends and her husband, the weight of her past and the fear of discovery sometimes strained these connections. The struggle to reconcile who she was with who she had been, and the potential for her past to resurface, remained a persistent challenge.

10. Finding Belonging and a New Path

We are not good or bad—we’re a mix of all the feelings and we choose which one is allowed to poke its head above water.

Building a new life. Despite setbacks like losing jobs due to her past being discovered, the author persevered, finding new employment and building a stable life with her husband, Elliot. Their relationship, built on honesty and mutual support, became a cornerstone of her recovery and growth.

Connecting with heritage. Encouraged by her therapist and a work opportunity, the author traveled to South Korea. While she didn't seek out her birth family, the trip allowed her to connect with her cultural heritage and gain a deeper understanding of the context from which she came, contributing to a more integrated sense of self.

Acceptance and moving forward. Through therapy, self-reflection, and the support of loved ones, the author began to accept the complexities of her identity and past actions. She realized that she wasn't solely defined by her mistakes but was a product of her experiences, both good and bad. The journey towards self-acceptance involved acknowledging her flaws while also recognizing her resilience and capacity for change, ultimately finding a sense of belonging within herself and her chosen community.

Last updated: May 27, 2025