Come Together

1. What’s Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski about?

• Focus on lasting sexual connections: The book explores how to create and sustain satisfying sexual connections in long-term relationships, centering pleasure as the core measure of sexual well-being.
• Science and art of sexuality: Nagoski blends research, lived experience, and practical tools to help couples co-create contexts that make pleasure easier to access and maintain.
• Metaphors and frameworks: Using metaphors like the sexual garden and concepts such as the emotional floorplan, the book guides readers to understand and nurture their sexuality over time.
• Addressing barriers: It tackles emotional, cultural, and relational obstacles to sexual satisfaction, offering compassionate strategies for overcoming them.

2. Why should I read Come Together by Emily Nagoski?

• Debunks common myths: The book challenges widespread beliefs about “keeping the spark alive,” showing that frequency, novelty, or spontaneous desire are not the keys to great long-term sex.
• Science-based and inclusive: Nagoski combines peer-reviewed research with real stories, making the content accessible and relevant to all relationship types.
• Empowers authentic connection: Readers learn to center pleasure, understand emotional and contextual factors, and develop communication skills for sustaining erotic connection.
• Practical and compassionate: The book offers actionable advice for healing old hurts, navigating challenges, and embracing authentic sexual selves.

3. What are the key takeaways from Come Together by Emily Nagoski?

• Pleasure is the measure: Great sex is about how much you enjoy it, not how often you have it or how much desire you feel.
• Context and emotional states matter: Sexual response is shaped by both internal emotions and external circumstances, which can be navigated using tools like the emotional floorplan.
• Rejecting harmful imperatives: The book encourages readers to let go of cultural “shoulds” about sex and instead define their own norms and pleasures.
• Trust, admiration, and communication: Lasting sexual connection relies on emotional accessibility, mutual admiration, and open dialogue.

4. What are the best quotes from Come Together by Emily Nagoski and what do they mean?

• “Pleasure is the measure.” This quote encapsulates the book’s core message: sexual well-being is about enjoying the sex you have, not meeting external standards.
• “Sexuality is a garden.” Nagoski’s metaphor encourages readers to tend to their own and their shared sexual experiences with care and patience.
• “Blanket permission to reject the imperatives.” This phrase empowers readers to let go of societal pressures and define their own sexual norms.
• “Connected authenticity.” The book advocates for being true to oneself and one’s partner, beyond gendered expectations or cultural scripts.

5. How does Emily Nagoski define “pleasure is the measure” in Come Together?

• Pleasure over desire or frequency: The book centers sexual well-being on whether you like the sex you’re having, not how often or how much you want it.
• Sensation in context: Pleasure is not just a physical feeling but is shaped by emotional and situational context; the same act can feel different depending on circumstances.
• Responsive desire: Most people experience desire in response to pleasure (responsive desire), rather than spontaneously, which is normal and healthy.
• Reduces pressure and frustration: Focusing on pleasure rather than chasing desire or frequency helps couples enjoy sex more and feel less stressed.

6. What is the “emotional floorplan” in Come Together and how does it help couples?

• Mapping emotional states: The emotional floorplan identifies seven core emotional spaces—lust, play, seeking, care (pleasure-favorable) and panic/grief, fear, rage (pleasure-adverse).
• Navigating to connection: Recognizing which “room” you or your partner are in helps you find pathways to erotic connection, making transitions smoother.
• Observational distance: Developing the ability to observe emotions without judgment allows for calm, warm curiosity and better communication.
• Supporting each other: Partners can use the floorplan as a shared language to help each other move from adverse to favorable emotional spaces.

7. What is the “accelerator and brakes” model of sexual response in Come Together by Emily Nagoski?

• Dual control model: Sexual response is governed by an accelerator (noticing sex-related stimuli and sending “turn on” signals) and brakes (noticing threats or reasons not to be aroused and sending “turn off” signals).
• Balance is key: Arousal depends on the balance between accelerator activation and brakes being hit; both are equally important.
• Managing context: Reducing brakes (like stress or pressure) and increasing accelerator cues (like feeling admired or safe) is crucial for sexual well-being.
• Personalized approach: Each person’s accelerators and brakes are unique, so understanding and communicating about them is essential.

8. What are the “sex imperatives” in Come Together and how do they affect sexual connection?

• Cultural “shoulds” about sex: Sex imperatives include the coital imperative (penis-in-vagina sex as default), performance imperative (sex as a skill to master), and desire imperative (expectation of spontaneous desire).
• Creates pressure and shame: These imperatives set unrealistic standards, leading to frustration, shame, and conflict when not met.
• Permission to reject: Nagoski encourages readers to give themselves “blanket permission” to reject these imperatives and define their own sexual norms.
• Fosters authentic connection: Letting go of these pressures allows couples to co-create enjoyable, judgment-free sexual experiences.

9. What is the “gender mirage” in Come Together and how does Emily Nagoski suggest overcoming it?

• Definition of the mirage: The gender mirage is the illusion that gender is strictly binary, dictating rigid roles and behaviors for sexuality and relationships.
• Harmful consequences: It enforces roles like Givers (girls) who sacrifice and Winners (boys) who must be stoic, leading to disconnection and dissatisfaction.
• Connected authenticity: The book advocates for supporting each other’s true selves beyond gendered expectations, fostering admiration and trust.
• Collaborative dismantling: Partners are encouraged to work together to “mirage-proof” their relationship and embrace authentic connection.

10. How does Come Together by Emily Nagoski address healing old emotional hurts in sexual relationships?

• Old hurts as a “third thing”: Emotional wounds are treated as shared projects external to either partner, reducing blame and defensiveness.
• Third Thing Conversation: A structured dialogue helps partners name, observe, and separate feelings from past incidents, closing with admiration and trust.
• Imaginative healing: Exercises like the “What If?” Daydream allow partners to reimagine past hurts with ideal caregiving, activating healing responses.
• Fosters connection: These tools help couples heal together, making more of themselves available for pleasure and intimacy.

11. What practical advice does Come Together by Emily Nagoski offer for couples struggling with mismatched desire or sexual difficulties?

• Collaborate on context: Couples are encouraged to co-create a context that makes pleasure easier to access, focusing on shared goals rather than blame.
• Stages of change: Change happens gradually through stages—pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance—with partners possibly at different readiness levels.
• Curiosity and patience: Approach each other’s current state with curiosity and patience, aiming to move one step further in readiness rather than forcing change.
• Center pleasure, not pressure: Shift focus from frequency or spontaneous desire to pleasure and connection, using tools like scheduling, play, and savoring.

12. What is the “magic trick” described in Come Together by Emily Nagoski, and how does it relate to erotic connection?

• Definition of the magic trick: It’s a state of erotic wisdom and ecstasy where individual selves dissolve into a shared field of connection, often through moving together in rhythm and purpose.
• Accessing the magic: The experience involves embodiment, rhythmic entrainment, mutual consent, and voluntary participation, and can be practiced solo or with partners.
• Deepens connection: Experiencing the magic trick enhances body awareness, unity, and intimacy, enriching both sexual and nonsexual relationships.
• Bonus experience: While not required for sexual satisfaction, the magic trick is a powerful, enriching addition to a couple’s shared life.