Designer Relationships

1. What is "Designer Relationships" by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson about?

• Comprehensive Guide to Relationships: The book explores the evolving landscape of intimate relationships, focusing on the concept of "designer relationships"—partnerships intentionally crafted by those involved, rather than following traditional or default models.
• Covers a Spectrum of Styles: It examines a wide range of relationship structures, including happy monogamy, positive polyamory, open relationships, swinging, kink, and more.
• Emphasis on Conscious Choice: The authors advocate for mutual, conscious, and deliberate decision-making in relationships, encouraging readers to move beyond binary thinking about monogamy and nonmonogamy.
• Practical Skills and Ethics: The book provides practical advice on relationship skills, communication, trust, jealousy, and ethical considerations, aiming to help readers create fulfilling and authentic connections.

2. Why should I read "Designer Relationships" by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson?

• Challenges Relationship Myths: The book debunks common myths and misconceptions about love, monogamy, and nonmonogamy, offering a more nuanced and inclusive perspective.
• Empowers Personal Choice: It empowers readers to define and design relationships that truly work for them, rather than conforming to societal expectations.
• Practical Tools and Techniques: The authors provide actionable tips, exercises, and real-life examples to help readers improve communication, manage jealousy, and build trust.
• Inclusive and Nonjudgmental: Whether you are monogamous, polyamorous, single, or exploring alternative structures, the book offers valuable insights without privileging any one style.

3. What are the key takeaways from "Designer Relationships" by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson?

• Relationships Are Customizable: There is no one-size-fits-all model; relationships can and should be intentionally designed to fit the needs and desires of those involved.
• Consent and Communication Are Crucial: Consciousness and mutual consent are foundational, regardless of the relationship structure.
• Monogamy Is Not the Default: Monogamy is a cultural construct, not a biological or moral imperative, and should be a conscious choice rather than an unexamined default.
• Skills Matter More Than Structure: Relationship satisfaction depends more on skills like empathy, honesty, flexibility, and kindness than on whether a relationship is monogamous or nonmonogamous.

4. How do Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson define a "designer relationship"?

• Intentionally Crafted Partnership: A designer relationship is one that is consciously and mutually created by the people involved, with agreements and boundaries tailored to their unique needs.
• Inclusive of All Styles: It can include monogamy, polyamory, open relationships, asexual or nonsexual bonds, and more—there are no limits except those set by the participants.
• Emphasis on Mutuality and Consent: All parties have a say in defining the relationship, and agreements are made and revisited as needed.
• Flexibility and Evolution: Designer relationships are dynamic and can be redesigned as circumstances and desires change over time.

5. What are the main types of relationship structures discussed in "Designer Relationships"?

• Monogamy by Choice: Sexually and emotionally exclusive relationships, consciously chosen and defined by the partners.
• Consensual Nonmonogamy: Includes open relationships, swinging, polyamory, polyfidelity, and "monogamish" arrangements, all based on mutual consent.
• Single and Polyamorous/Asexual/Nonsexual: Recognizes valid relationship styles for singles, asexual individuals, and those in nonsexual but emotionally intimate partnerships.
• Kink and Alternative Structures: Explores how kink communities often require explicit negotiation and consent, making them inherently "designer" in nature.

6. What myths about monogamy and nonmonogamy does "Designer Relationships" address?

• Romantic Love as the Only Foundation: Challenges the idea that romantic love is the sole basis for lasting relationships.
• Soul Mate and "The One": Debunks the myth that everyone has a single perfect partner.
• Happily Ever After: Critiques the fairy-tale notion that relationships, once formed, require no further effort.
• Desiring Others Equals Infidelity: Argues that attraction to others is natural and not inherently a betrayal.
• Monogamy as Natural or Superior: Refutes claims that monogamy is biologically or morally superior to other relationship styles.
• Right Way to Be Sexual: Rejects the idea that there is only one healthy or moral way to express sexuality.

7. What are the most common misconceptions about consensual nonmonogamy according to "Designer Relationships"?

• Threat to Marriage: The book argues there is no evidence that consensual nonmonogamy undermines the institution of marriage.
• Higher STI Risk: Research shows that consensually nonmonogamous people often practice safer sex more diligently than cheaters or singles.
• Incapable of Intimacy: Studies and anecdotes indicate that nonmonogamous people can have deep, meaningful, and intimate relationships.
• Cheating vs. Consensual Nonmonogamy: The key difference is consent and transparency; cheating involves deception, while consensual nonmonogamy is based on honesty.
• Harm to Children or Women: The book finds no evidence that nonmonogamous relationships are worse for children or perpetuate male dominance when based on mutual consent and equality.

8. What practical relationship skills do Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson recommend in "Designer Relationships"?

• Self-Knowledge: Understanding your own sexual and relational needs is foundational.
• Profound Interest and Empathy: Cultivating deep interest in your partner(s) and practicing empathy are key to intimacy.
• Co-Creation and Flexibility: Viewing relationships as collaborative, creative processes that evolve over time.
• Communication and Kindness: Honest, kind, and timely communication, including the ability to discuss difficult topics constructively.
• Trust and Boundaries: Building trust through reliability, transparency, and clear agreements about boundaries and privacy.

9. How does "Designer Relationships" by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson suggest handling jealousy and compersion?

• Acknowledge and Address Jealousy: Jealousy is a normal emotion that should be recognized and discussed openly, not dismissed or pathologized.
• Identify Types of Jealousy: The book distinguishes between envy, possessive jealousy, and abandonment jealousy, each requiring different approaches.
• Build Trust and Reassurance: Regularly affirming the specialness of your bond and maintaining trust can reduce jealousy.
• Cultivate Compersion: Compersion—taking joy in your partner’s happiness with others—can be developed as an antidote to jealousy, especially in open relationships.

10. What ethical considerations and safer sex practices are emphasized in "Designer Relationships"?

• Informed Consent and Responsibility: Ethical designer relationships require ongoing, informed consent and a sense of responsibility toward all partners.
• Safer Sex Protocols: Regular STI testing, clear agreements about barrier use, and open discussions about sexual health are essential.
• Fluid Bonding: The decision to forgo barriers with certain partners is significant and should be made consciously, with mutual agreement and testing.
• Respect and Confidentiality: Treat all partners with respect, honor their boundaries, and maintain confidentiality, especially in group or community settings.

11. What are some actionable steps or exercises from "Designer Relationships" for creating or improving a relationship?

• Write a Statement of Purpose: Collaboratively create a mission statement outlining your shared values, goals, and intentions for the relationship.
• Practice Eye-Gazing: Use eye-gazing exercises to build nonverbal intimacy and connection, both as a couple and in groups.
• Set and Review Agreements: Regularly discuss and update agreements about boundaries, safer sex, and interactions with others.
• Schedule Difficult Conversations: Designate specific times and neutral spaces for discussing challenging topics, using kindness and empathy as guides.

12. What are the best quotes from "Designer Relationships" by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson, and what do they mean?

• "You are the designer, along with your partner or partners, and it’s up to you to create a relationship that works and to redesign it when and if appropriate."
  Meaning: Relationships are not static; they should be intentionally crafted and adaptable.
• "The wrong way to have sex is to have sex that leaves you with negative feelings about yourself, involves an abuse of power, inflicts harm on others... or is in any way nonconsensual."
  Meaning: The only universal rule is consent and mutual respect; all other sexual expressions are valid if they meet these criteria.
• "If you can move away from thinking of monogamy as the ideal and recognize it as just one form of human behavior... you can arrive at a more specific, genuine, and personal understanding of what choices are right for you."
  Meaning: Questioning cultural defaults allows for more authentic and satisfying relationship choices.
• "No kinds of love are better than others."
  Meaning: All consensual, ethical relationships are equally valid, regardless of structure or style.