3 Big Questions That Change Every Teenager

1. Teenagers are walking bundles of hidden questions.

Every teenager is a walking bundle of questions.

Hidden inquiries. While some questions are voiced aloud, most remain bottled inside a teenager's curious mind and conflicted soul. These unspoken questions cover a vast range of topics, from friendships and social media to mental health, race, and the future. Understanding these pressing questions is crucial for adults seeking to connect with this generation.

Anxiety is pervasive. Many teenagers grapple with significant anxiety and stress, often exacerbated by academic pressure, social dynamics, and the demands of a rapidly changing world. Mental health challenges, including anxiety and depression, have been particularly heightened by recent global events like the COVID-19 pandemic. Tragically, suicide is a leading cause of death for young people, highlighting the depth of their internal struggles.

Technology's double edge. Today's tech-savvy teens navigate a world where smartphones are ubiquitous and online presence is constant. While technology offers avenues for connection and support, it also introduces new pressures like electronic bullying, the temptation of online pornography, and the anxiety of constant notifications. Adults often misunderstand the complex role technology plays in their lives.

2. Three core questions drive every teenager: Identity, Belonging, Purpose.

Almost every question young people are asking ultimately finds its genesis in these 3 big questions.

Underlying longings. Beneath the surface-level questions about friends, school, or the future lie three fundamental inquiries that shape a teenager's inner world. These are: "Who am I?" (Identity), "Where do I fit?" (Belonging), and "What difference can I make?" (Purpose). These questions focus on their view of self, their connection with others, and their contribution to the world, respectively.

Interconnected struggles. Identity, belonging, and purpose are deeply intertwined, influencing and refracting off one another like a prism. A teenager's sense of who they are impacts where they feel they belong, and both shape their understanding of what they can contribute. While one question might take the lead at any given time, they are best understood together.

Anxious, adaptive, diverse. This generation of teenagers can often be described by three key characteristics that influence how they approach these big questions. They are frequently anxious due to external and internal pressures, adaptive in their creative responses to challenges, and diverse in their ethnic, cultural, socioeconomic, and worldview backgrounds.

3. Adults must listen and empathize to truly connect.

Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost the same.

Beyond assumptions. Adults often approach teenagers with preconceived notions or stereotypes, which create distance and lead to judgment. Truly listening to young people allows adults to move past these assumptions and forge genuine connections by understanding their unique experiences and perspectives.

Empathy is key. Effective connection requires empathy, defined as noticing and caring about another person's emotions. Taking a teenager's perspective helps humanize them and avoids "othering" them as fundamentally different or wrong. Empathy is not just for tough times but creates a safe space for a teenager's real story to emerge in all circumstances.

Avoiding pitfalls. Common adult responses like "When I was your age..." or immediately trying to fix problems can short-circuit empathy and connection. Instead, simple invitations like "Tell me more" or matching body language with words can open the door to deeper conversations. Recognizing that teenagers' experiences differ from our own, even if we were once their age, is vital.

4. Teenagers have common "current answers" to Identity.

Feeling inadequate or “not enough” was mentioned overtly by about three-fourths of the high school students we interviewed.

External validation sought. Teenagers often define themselves based on external factors and the expectations of others. They may feel pressure to be what family, friends, teachers, or society want them to be, constantly switching "selves" to please different audiences. This can be exhausting and lead to a lack of internal stability.

Struggling with inadequacy. A pervasive feeling among teenagers is that they are "not enough" – not smart enough, pretty enough, popular enough, or accomplished enough. This sense of inadequacy is often fueled by comparisons with others and internal or external pressures to be perfect. Immigrant youth and young people of color may face additional layers of complexity related to ethnic or racial stereotypes.

Curating an image. In the age of social media, teenagers actively curate their online image, presenting a carefully constructed version of themselves to the world. They work on their "brand," often highlighting positive aspects while hiding struggles. This focus on image management can create a disconnect between their presented self and their authentic self.

More than a label. Despite external pressures and self-curation, teenagers also desire to be seen as more than just a single label, whether it's a diagnosis, a stereotype, or a past mistake. They want their multifaceted identities to be acknowledged and respected, pushing back against being put in a box.

5. Jesus offers a better answer for Identity: You are ENOUGH.

Jesus makes what we have, and who we are, ENOUGH.

Divine abundance. In contrast to a world that often makes teenagers feel scarce or inadequate, Jesus offers a message of abundance and worth. The story of Jesus feeding the thousands (John 6) illustrates this: he takes what is seemingly insufficient (a child's small meal) and makes it more than enough, working through human hands to provide for the masses. This shows that Jesus affirms the value and potential in what we offer, regardless of how small it seems.

Made in God's image. Our inherent worth and potential for ENOUGH-ness stem from being created in the image of God. This divine imprint gives us dignity and value, not based on our performance or what others think, but on who God made us to be. Experiencing this ENOUGH-ness is often best realized in community, as we call out and celebrate God's image in one another.

Resting in worth. Embracing Jesus' message that we are ENOUGH frees us from the tyranny of external expectations, the feeling of inadequacy, and the pressure to maintain a perfect image. Practices like Sabbath, which involves intentional rest and stepping away from defining ourselves by our accomplishments, can help teenagers (and adults) internalize this truth. Exploring Scripture passages that speak to our creation in God's image and God's unconditional love reinforces this Christ-centered identity.

6. Teenagers have common "current answers" to Belonging.

Feelings of safety, security, and acceptance are critical to belonging in groups.

Seeking safe spaces. Teenagers primarily seek belonging in places where they feel safe to be themselves, accepted without judgment, and included. This sense of safety is a fundamental prerequisite for feeling like they truly fit in with a group of people. For many, family and close friendships are key sources of this safety.

Shared experiences connect. Belonging is often found where teenagers share commonalities with others. This includes shared experiences (like being on a team or in a club), shared values, similar interests (like music), or even using similar language. These shared elements create a sense of connection and make it easier to feel like part of a group.

Feeling needed provides purpose. Another way teenagers feel they belong is by being needed within a group or community. Having a role or responsibility can create a sense of being an integral part of the system. However, this can sometimes lead to conditional belonging, where they feel they only fit in if they are performing a necessary function.

Exclusion's pain. The flip side of seeking belonging is the painful experience of feeling left out or excluded. This can happen even within groups where they share commonalities, as illustrated by the teenager who felt excluded from the football team's social activities despite being on the team. Belonging uncertainty, particularly for youth of color or immigrants, can make navigating social settings challenging.

7. Jesus offers a better answer for Belonging: You belong WITH God's people.

God has created us to be in community WITH God and WITH others through Jesus.

Unconditional embrace. Jesus offers a radical vision of belonging that transcends the conditional nature of human acceptance. The core Christ-centered answer is that we belong WITH God and WITH one another in the community of God's people, the church. This belonging is not earned but is a gift of God's unconditional love, symbolized by Jesus' willingness to be WITH his disciples, even those who would betray him.

Known by love. Jesus' command to "love one another as I have loved you" is the defining mark of his followers and the church. This unconditional love is magnetic to outsiders and creates a community where people are accepted and embraced for who they are, not based on performance or fitting in. This radical inclusivity reinforces the worth of every individual.

WITH God and one another. The Holy Spirit ensures God is always WITH us, and Jesus' prayer for unity (John 17) calls us to be one WITH each other as the church. This unity celebrates diversity, recognizing that all are needed to fully embody the body of Christ. Practices like hospitality, which means making room for others and giving insiders' privileges to outsiders, embody this Christ-centered belonging. Sharing stories and meals, and intentionally creating inclusive spaces in worship and small groups, help teenagers experience this belonging concretely.

8. Teenagers have common "current answers" to Purpose.

While the exact target was murky and varied with each teenager, the majority of our youth group kids were aiming toward their conception of “the good life.”

Helping others is key. A dominant theme in teenagers' understanding of purpose is making a difference by helping others. This can range from caring for individuals to engaging in social activism around issues like racial justice or climate change. While often fulfilling, this can sometimes lead to burnout if they neglect their own well-being.

Following prescribed paths. In a world of overwhelming options, some teenagers find purpose by following the scripts or roles handed to them by family, church, or society. They may feel a sense of direction by doing what is expected, such as pursuing a specific career path deemed successful or fulfilling family obligations. However, this can lead to anxiety about missing "God's plan" or feeling trapped if the script doesn't align with their desires.

Valuing personal agency. Teenagers also find purpose in having the freedom to make choices about their own lives and pursue their interests and goals. They value agency and the opportunity to shape their own path, hoping their decisions will lead to meaningful contributions. Being entrusted with responsibility by adults can significantly boost their sense of purpose.

Aiming for a good future. Many teenagers define purpose by working towards a "good future" for themselves and those they care about. This often involves a blend of financial success, personal fulfillment, and achieving their potential. While generally optimistic about their own prospects, they may feel stressed by the uncertainty of the future and the pressure to excel.

9. Jesus offers a better answer for Purpose: You are invited into God's greater STORY.

Our best personal narratives come from embedding our stories in the ultimate narrative of God’s STORY.

Part of a divine drama. Jesus offers a purpose that transcends individual goals or societal scripts: being invited into God's unfolding STORY for the world. This grand narrative includes creation, fall, covenant, Jesus' life and work, the ongoing work of the church (Act 5, which we live out), and the coming new creation. Our lives find their deepest meaning when we see ourselves as supporting characters whose purpose is centered around God as the author and main character.

Everyone has a part. In God's STORY, there are different gifts and different kinds of work, but it is the same God at work in everyone (1 Corinthians 12). Every individual, regardless of their skills or background, has a unique and vital part to play in God's mission to bring flourishing (shalom) and right wrongs (justice) in the world. Our personal stories are woven together into this larger divine tapestry.

From performance to purpose. This Christ-centered purpose shifts the focus from performing to earn worth or achieve success to participating gratefully in what God is already doing. Practices like exploring our own life stories in light of God's STORY, discerning our unique "superpowers" or gifts, and engaging in justice work (which moves beyond simple service to addressing systemic issues) help teenagers discover and rehearse their part in God's grand adventure.

10. Discipleship is the everyday "Yes" to Jesus, bridging current and better answers.

Discipleship is our everyday “Yes” to Jesus.

The bridge to flourishing. Moving from teenagers' often incomplete or toxic current answers to the life-giving Christ-centered answers (ENOUGH, WITH, STORY) is the journey of discipleship. Discipleship is not merely about behavior, belief, or relationship in isolation, but a holistic, embodied, and concrete response to God's work in and through us. It is our ongoing, active "Yes" to following Jesus in all aspects of life.

A lifelong journey. Discipleship begins with one big "Yes" to Jesus, followed by a thousand little "Yeses" each day. It's a long pilgrimage grounded in the stuff of normal life, focused on growing in character and virtue. It's about who we are becoming as we work out our faith in daily actions, words, and beliefs, empowered by the Holy Spirit.

Personal and communal. Discipleship is never just about the individual; it is always personal and shared. We follow Jesus in community, belonging to God's people and depending on one another. This shared journey involves loving God and loving others, enacting justice, loving mercy, and inviting others to join God's STORY. It also requires saying "No" to false allegiances and idols that pull us away from Christ.

11. Tough times disrupt, but can also be greenhouses for growth.

Disruption, it turns out, can be a powerful catalyst for change.

Instability's impact. Life is full of disruptions, from personal losses and family changes to widespread crises like pandemics and social unrest. These instabilities can be deeply painful and disorienting for teenagers, exacerbating existing anxieties and raising difficult questions about identity, belonging, and purpose. Events like the COVID-19 pandemic and heightened awareness of racial injustice have profoundly impacted this generation.

Growth through adversity. While traumatic disruptions are never positive or justified, instability can, paradoxically, become a greenhouse for growth. Navigating challenges forces young people to develop resilience, adapt creatively, and re-evaluate their understanding of themselves, their relationships, and their place in the world. It can push them to seek deeper meaning and stronger connections.

Walking through pain. Caring adults can walk with teenagers through tough times by offering presence, listening empathetically, and creating space for honest emotions,
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Last updated: May 4, 2025