9 Ways to a Resilient Child

1. Resilience is an ordinary, learnable adaptation, not just innate.

Resilience means that we bounce back from challenges and adversity, and that our developmental progress isn’t thwarted by difficult – even traumatic – circumstances.

Bouncing back and adapting. Resilience isn't about avoiding hardship, but about achieving positive developmental outcomes despite adverse conditions. It's the capacity of a dynamic system (a person) to adapt successfully to disturbances that threaten its function or development. While some innate qualities contribute, resilience is significantly developed through life experiences and learned capacities.

Not just for major trauma. While exemplified by those overcoming significant adversity like Rosie Batty, resilience is needed daily to navigate life's demands. Developing this capacity during good times, through consistent effort and support, equips us to handle major challenges when they arise. It's a skill that can be taught and increased, even in at-risk populations.

Risk and protective factors. Resilience is influenced by a balance of factors. Risk factors (poverty, family dysfunction, parental mental health issues, community disorder) undermine it, while protective factors (strong adult connections, social-emotional skills, autonomy support, mastery motivation, safe environments) bolster it. The more protective factors present, the greater the likelihood of positive outcomes.

2. Early responsive care and support, not "toughening up," build resilience.

It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.

Safe nest is crucial. The myth that young children are inherently resilient or need to be "steeled" through early hardship is damaging. Human infants are designed for physical and emotional connection. Exposing them to too much stress too soon, like controlled crying or ignoring distress, creates sensitivity rather than strength.

Responsive care matters. Consistent, warm, and responsive caregiving in the first few years builds the foundation for resilience. Natural birth, extended breastfeeding (when possible), frequent touch, and parental presence help regulate a baby's stress response and build secure attachment.

• Touch increases oxytocin, strengthening social bonds.
• Responsive interactions teach emotional regulation.
• Ignoring distress increases stress hormones and negatively impacts brain development.

Mild, appropriate stress. While mild, brief, and developmentally appropriate stressors (like short separations in a secure environment) can potentially "steel" children, too much or chronic adversity, especially without support, leads to sensitization, anxiety, and reduced resilience. Supporting and coaching a child through difficulty builds resources more effectively than leaving them to suffer alone.

3. Over-involved parenting and excessive control undermine children's resilience.

We are so afraid of getting parenting wrong that we overdo it getting it right.

Hovering hinders development. Helicopter parenting, or over-involved parenting, stems from good intentions but can be detrimental. It involves applying overly involved and developmentally inappropriate tactics to protect children and maximize success, often by disallowing them responsibility for their own choices.

Control vs. support. While high parental involvement is positive, over-involvement is characterized by high behavioral control without sufficient support for autonomy. Children feel controlled, even if parents are warm. This can lead to:

• Difficulty regulating emotions (in preschoolers).
• Reduced opportunities to practice skills and build competence.
• Increased internalizing difficulties (anxiety, depression) in young children.

Long-term dependence. Over-involved parenting can foster entitlement and a reliance on others to solve problems, hindering independence and self-efficacy in older children and emerging adults. While teens want involved parents, they resist psychological control. The key is finding the balance between being present and supportive without being overly intrusive or controlling.

4. Rethink praise and competition: Focus on process, cooperation, and intrinsic value.

Most of us would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.

Praise pitfalls. The myth that constant praise boosts resilience is often wrong. Research shows praise, especially for intelligence or outcomes ("person praise"), can:

• Make children feel judged or evaluated.
• Lead children with low self-esteem to infer low ability.
• Be perceived as controlling or manipulative.
• Undermine motivation after setbacks.
• Shift focus from intrinsic enjoyment to external validation ("praise junkies").

Process over person. Focusing feedback on effort, strategy, and the learning process ("process praise") is more effective for building motivation and a growth mindset. Similarly, excessive competition, especially where winning is paramount, can damage resilience. It promotes social comparison, fear of failure, unethical behavior (even cheating), and reduces intrinsic motivation and cooperation.

Cooperation builds. While competition can sometimes enhance performance in low-stakes, team-based contexts, cooperation is generally more beneficial for relationships, ethics, and overall wellbeing. Helping children focus on personal mastery, learning, and contributing to a team or group fosters resilience more effectively than constantly striving to beat others. Encourage gratitude and descriptive feedback over evaluative praise.

5. A strong sense of identity and belonging anchors resilience.

When I discover who I am, then I’ll be free.

Knowing self matters. Developing a clear sense of identity – understanding who you are, what you value, and where you belong – is a critical piece of the resilience puzzle. This process begins in childhood and solidifies through adolescence and early adulthood. A strong identity allows individuals to make unpopular decisions, stand apart, and navigate challenges more effectively.

Family stories build identity. Research suggests that children who know their family history and stories have a stronger sense of identity and are more resilient. Knowing family narratives helps children:

• Develop an internal locus of control (feeling responsible and capable).
• Increase self-esteem.
• Reduce anxiety and behavioral problems.
• Come from better-functioning families and participate in traditions.

Creating a narrative. While knowing specific facts from a questionnaire isn't the sole cause of resilience, the process of sharing and creating family narratives helps children feel consistent, unique, and part of something larger. Teasing out values and principles from personal and family experiences consolidates this sense of self, providing an anchor when facing adversity.

6. Psychological flexibility enables adaptive, values-based responses.

Psychological flexibility is the ability to adapt to a situation with awareness, openness and focus and to take effective action, guided by your values.

Rigidity hinders coping. When faced with challenges, psychological inflexibility leads to narrow thinking and limited responses. Emotions become overwhelming, and individuals get stuck in unhelpful patterns. This is often seen in children struggling with big emotions or behavioral issues.

Flexibility in action. Being psychologically flexible means:

• Recognizing different situations require different behaviors.
• Prioritizing based on the moment.
• Shifting perspective to see beyond one's own view.
• Balancing competing desires to act based on values.

Mindfulness and curiosity. This flexibility requires mindfulness – being aware of the present moment without judgment. It also involves cognitive defusion – changing one's relationship with thoughts, seeing them as just thoughts, not absolute truths. Cultivating curiosity about difficult emotions ("Hmm, that's interesting, I wonder why I feel this way?") helps regulate the limbic system and activates the prefrontal cortex for better problem-solving.

7. Autonomous self-control, not just willpower, predicts wellbeing and resilience.

He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.

More than just saying no. Self-control is the ability to override impulses and change inner responses. While studies like the marshmallow test show its link to success, the quality of self-control matters more than just the quantity. Self-control that feels forced or is driven by guilt (introjection) is less healthy and more taxing than self-control that is a natural, authentic extension of one's values and desires (internalization).

Skin-deep resilience. Research suggests that exercising self-control in challenging circumstances can come at a physical cost, leading to "skin-deep" resilience where outward success masks internal stress. This highlights the importance of the kind of self-control being exercised and the environmental factors influencing it.

Self-control is learnable. The good news is that self-control is malleable and can be taught. Simple strategies include:

• Talking about patience, values, and goals.
• Making decisions when emotions are calm.
• Encouraging autonomy and internal motivation.
• Teaching reframing techniques (like in the marshmallow test).
• Practicing waiting for short periods.
• Being a good example of self-discipline.

8. Challenge "stinking thinking" and cultivate realistic optimism.

If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the people to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.

Perception shapes reality. Our interpretation of events, not just the events themselves, determines how they affect us. This is the core of the ABC model (Adversity, Belief, Consequence) from cognitive behavioral therapy. It teaches that our beliefs about a difficult situation, not the situation itself, lead to our emotional and behavioral consequences.

Negative attribution style. Low resilience is often linked to a "stinking thinking" or negative attribution style, where negative events are seen as:

• Personal: "It's my fault."
• Permanent: "This always happens to me."
• Pervasive: "This affects everything in my life."

Cultivating optimism. Resilient individuals tend to see negative events as temporary, specific, and caused by external factors, while attributing positive events to personal, permanent, and pervasive qualities. We can help children challenge negative attributions by:

• Questioning their beliefs ("Is there another way to look at it?").
• Reminding them that thoughts aren't always true.
• Focusing on temporary nature of setbacks ("This time... next time...").
• Being an optimistic role model.
• Surrounding them with optimistic people.

9. Embrace a growth mindset: Effort and learning build capacity, not fixed ability.

You are not born with a fixed amount of resilience. [It’s] like a muscle; you can build it up.

Fixed vs. Growth. A fixed mindset believes intelligence and abilities are set ("I'm either smart or I'm not"). A growth mindset believes abilities can be developed through effort, learning, and persistence ("I can get better at this"). This belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Failure as learning. A growth mindset is inherently resilient because setbacks are seen as opportunities to learn and improve, not as proof of inadequacy. A fixed mindset sees failure as terminal, leading to avoidance and reduced effort.

• Fixed mindset: Focus on performance, avoid challenges, give up easily after failure, feel threatened by others' success.
• Growth mindset: Focus on learning, embrace challenges, persist despite setbacks, find inspiration in others' success.

Teaching growth. We can foster a growth mindset by:

• Modeling it ourselves (taking on challenges, talking about learning from mistakes).
• Focusing feedback on effort, strategy, and progress, not just outcomes or innate talent.
• Teaching children the power of "YET" ("I can't do it... yet").
• Encouraging them to ask "How can I...?" instead of "Can I...?"
• Shifting focus from ego and performance to learning and mastery.

10. Strong, responsive relationships are the most critical protective factor.

The most important work we will ever do is within the walls of our own home.

Bedrock of resilience. The quality of relationships, particularly with primary caregivers, is perhaps the single most important factor for building resilience. Children are wired to connect, and feeling loved, safe, and understood provides the secure base needed to explore, learn, and face challenges.

Responsive interactions. Consistent, warm, and engaged interactions build healthy brain architecture and crucial capacities like planning, monitoring behavior, and adapting to change. Lack of responsive care is perceived as a threat, activating a stress response that can negatively impact physical and mental health long-term.

Love languages. Understanding how family members prefer to give and receive love can strengthen relationships. While time and understanding are universal "love languages," others respond strongly to words of encouragement ("tell me"), acts of service or gifts ("show me"), and physical touch ("touch me"). Meeting children's needs in their preferred language helps them feel seen, valued, and loved.

11. Supporting children's autonomy empowers them to make resilient choices.

I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves.

Autonomy vs. Permissiveness. Supporting autonomy is not letting children do whatever they want (permissiveness), nor is it neglect. It's proactively encouraging children to act for themselves in ways that are consistent with their values, even when those values align with ours. It contrasts with psychological control, which uses pressure, guilt, or manipulation.

Building self-governance. Autonomy-supportive parenting involves:

• Providing clear explanations (rationale) for rules and expectations.
• Recognizing and validating the child's feelings and perspective.
• Offering choices and encouraging initiative.
• Minimizing controlling techniques.

Trust fosters growth. This approach is hard work but builds resilience by empowering children. It demonstrates trust in their ability to develop solutions and make good decisions. When children feel understood and are given responsibility, they become more accountable and develop self-confidence. Studies show autonomy support leads to greater persistence, competence, intrinsic motivation, and positive outcomes in school and life.

12. Identify and use strengths, especially in service, and prioritize "green time" for holistic resilience.

Resilience may, at least in part, be child’s play. Literally.

Strengths build resilience. Identifying and using personal strengths – those innate potentials for excellence that energize us – is strongly linked to wellbeing and resilience. Using strengths guards against negative psychological symptoms and increases intrinsic motivation, engagement, and goal accomplishment.

Character and performance. Strengths include character strengths (curiosity, kindness, courage) and performance-based strengths (artistic, athletic). Encouraging children to develop and use their strengths, both in and outside of school, builds competence and confidence. Using strengths in the service of others is particularly powerful for boosting happiness and resilience, shifting focus away from personal problems.

Green time vs. Screen time. Excessive screen time, especially in early childhood, can negatively impact cognitive development (concentration, vocabulary), social-emotional intelligence (empathy), physical health, and mental wellbeing (compulsive use, lower resilience). While screens have benefits in moderation and context, prioritizing "green time" (play, nature) is crucial.

• Nature increases vitality, reduces stress hormones, improves mood and concentration.
• Play fosters risk-taking, problem-solving, social skills, and identity building.

Last updated: May 23, 2025