A Billion Wicked Thoughts

1. Male and female sexual desires are fundamentally different

"To encounter erotica designed to appeal to the other is to gaze into the psychological abyss that separates the sexes."

Distinct neural wiring. Men and women have different brain structures and hormonal influences that shape their sexual desires. The male brain is wired for visual stimuli and quick arousal, while the female brain has more complex psychological and emotional cues for arousal. This results in men being more interested in pornography and visual erotica, while women tend to prefer romance novels and erotic stories.

Evolutionary origins. These differences likely stem from evolutionary adaptations. Men evolved to quickly identify fertile mates based on visual cues, while women evolved to carefully select mates based on indicators of status, resources, and genetic quality. This explains why men are more easily aroused by visual stimuli, while women require more contextual and emotional cues.

2. Men's sexual cues are primarily visual and physical

"If you put little, warm holes in the wall of my house—given enough time, I'm going to have sex with it."

Visual stimuli dominate. Men's arousal is strongly tied to visual cues, particularly body parts associated with fertility and youth. The most common visual triggers include:

• Breasts
• Buttocks
• Youthful facial features
• Waist-to-hip ratio
• Feet (for some men)

Quick arousal. The male brain is wired for rapid sexual response to visual stimuli. This "Elmer Fudd" response allows for quick identification of potential mates but can also lead to problematic behaviors like excessive porn use or exhibitionism.

3. Women's sexual cues are largely psychological and emotional

"The romance novel is a chronicle of female mate choice."

Complex arousal process. Women's sexual arousal typically involves a more complex interplay of psychological, emotional, and contextual factors. Key cues include:

• Emotional connection
• Feelings of being desired
• Partner's social status
• Personality traits like confidence and humor
• Situational factors and setting

Detective agency analogy. The book describes women's arousal system as a "Miss Marple Detective Agency," carefully evaluating multiple cues before allowing arousal. This explains why women generally take longer to become aroused and are less visually oriented in their sexual interests.

4. The Internet reveals our true sexual interests

"Rule 34: If you can imagine it, it exists as Internet porn."

Unprecedented data. The Internet provides an unprecedented window into human sexual desires, free from social constraints. Analysis of search data, porn site traffic, and online erotica reveals patterns in what people actually seek out sexually when given anonymity and access.

Diversity and commonality. This data shows both the incredible diversity of human sexual interests and surprising commonalities across cultures. While niche interests exist, most people's desires cluster around a relatively small set of common themes and cues.

5. Evolutionary psychology explains many of our sexual preferences

"All modern women are the fruit of feminine caution."

Adaptive strategies. Many seemingly irrational or culturally variable sexual preferences can be explained as evolutionary adaptations. For example:

• Male preference for youth and fertility cues
• Female preference for high-status, resource-rich partners
• Sperm competition explaining cuckolding fantasies
• Differences in male and female promiscuity

Mating strategies. Both men and women evolved to pursue mixed mating strategies, balancing the benefits of long-term pair bonding with opportunities for advantageous short-term mating. This explains phenomena like female attraction to "bad boys" during ovulation.

6. Sexual fantasies and porn reflect innate desires

"Erotical illusions are unrecognized pinnacles of human imagination, as inventive and creative as the sushi in the Ginza district of Japan or the harmonizing melodies of the Beatles."

Fantasy as insight. Sexual fantasies and preferences in pornography offer insight into innate sexual desires shaped by evolution. Common themes reflect adaptive mating strategies and cues.

Creative combinations. Porn and erotica often combine multiple cues in novel ways, creating "erotical illusions" that strongly activate reward systems. Examples include:

• Shemale porn combining feminine and masculine cues
• Vampire romance combining danger and commitment
• BDSM exploring dominance/submission dynamics

7. Gay male sexuality combines male and female cues

"Gay men are attracted to masculinity."

Blended cues. Gay male sexuality shows a unique combination of typical male cues (visual orientation, interest in casual sex) with some female-typical cues (attraction to masculine men, some submissive interests).

Hormonal influence. The authors hypothesize that gay male sexuality may result from atypical hormonal influences during prenatal development, leading to a mix of male and female-typical neural circuits for sexual desire.

8. Cultural influences shape but don't determine core sexual interests

"Culture does play an essential role in determining the exact form of a man's visual cues."

Cues vs. targets. While core sexual cues (e.g., male visual orientation) appear to be innate, culture strongly influences the specific targets of those cues. For example, preferred body types or status symbols vary across cultures.

Flexibility within limits. Human sexuality shows considerable plasticity, especially in women. However, this flexibility operates within the constraints of our evolved psychological mechanisms.

9. The brain's reward system drives sexual behavior

"Our cues release us, even as they bind us."

Neurochemical rewards. Sexual behavior is fundamentally driven by the brain's reward system, using neurotransmitters like dopamine to reinforce adaptive mating behaviors.

Cue-driven arousal. Sexual cues activate this reward system, explaining why certain stimuli (visual, psychological, or situational) can trigger strong arousal responses even in the absence of a real mating opportunity.

10. Understanding sexual cues can improve relationships

"By identifying and understanding one another's sexual cues, we can develop greater comfort, confidence, and compassion."

Bridging the gap. Recognizing the fundamental differences in male and female sexuality can lead to better communication and satisfaction in relationships. Partners can learn to provide the specific cues that activate their partner's arousal systems.

Self-knowledge. Understanding our own cues and their evolutionary origins can lead to greater self-acceptance and healthier sexual expression. It can also help individuals recognize potentially problematic desires and seek appropriate help if needed.

Last updated: September 6, 2024