A More Exciting Life

1. Excitement Comes from Psychological Freedom, Not External Thrills

This is a book of psychology, however, and it holds that a lack of a sense of excitement primarily comes down to aspects of our minds – in particular, to difficulties we have first identifying and then feeling legitimate around our own desires and aspirations.

Internal blocks. The feeling of a dull, repetitive life isn't usually fixed by external changes like travel or new hobbies. The real cage is psychological, stemming from inhibited desires and a fear of being our true selves. We often sacrifice our authentic expansion for stifling compliance.

Beyond the surface. True excitement is about psychological freedom – the capacity to connect with life's intensity, beauty, and mystery, and our own possibilities. It involves trusting ourselves, taking risks, and communicating our truth, rather than just going through the motions expected by others.

Leading your life. As Winnicott noted, what matters is leading your own life, not just being happy or following others' expectations. An exciting life includes novelty, tension, eros, ambition, and appreciation, requiring courage to be forthright, joyful, and unfrightened.

2. Dare to Be Emotionally Honest and Vulnerable

Learning not to lie would not only be of egoistic benefit; our vulnerability would invite, and rehabilitate, that of others.

Everyday lies. We constantly lie about small hurts, guilt, tenderness, anxiety, sexuality, and pleasure to appear composed and acceptable. This perpetuates a world where everyone hides, making honesty impossibly high-priced. We collude in suggesting life is different from our reality.

Fear of judgment. Our furtiveness comes from fearing judgment and equating acceptance with appearing poised. We assume revealing distress makes things worse. However, sharing vulnerability can make us feel lighter, deepen connections, and surprisingly, appear stronger.

Dignified disclosure. There's a difference between needy demands and sober, dignified vulnerability. Revealing weaknesses with tact is a mark of maturity. It shows courage and psychological insight, proving we are like others in their hidden fragility, creating space for mutual honesty.

3. Master the Art of Calm Self-Assertion and Boundaries

To learn how to assert oneself steadily and graciously might be ranked as a feat no less worthy of celebration (and much more useful) than climbing a mountain or making a fortune.

Avoiding extremes. We often fail at self-assertion, either saying nothing (sulking) or exploding in rage. Mature assertion lies in the middle: putting forward interests credibly, dignifiedly, and effectively, politely yet firmly.

Self-hatred's role. Our failure stems from self-hatred; we don't feel we have a right to our positions. We lack experience of dialogue working out, expecting tyrants or feeling we must make a doomed assault. Mastering assertion is a major psychological hurdle.

Agency and strength. Asserting ourselves, irrespective of guaranteed results, lends a sense of agency and strength. It requires recognizing our right to exist and the small chance of being understood. It's about patiently uttering magical words like, "There's something it would feel great to discuss..."

4. Recognize and Offer Reassurance to Others

Perhaps even more than they realise, they will be longing for someone to say something soothing to them; a word to make them feel that they have a right to exist; that we have faith in them; that we know things aren’t always easy for them and that – in a vague but real way – we are on our side.

Universal need. Everyone is in deep need of reassurance. Life is an ongoing emergency, haunted by doubts, anxiety, guilt, and embarrassment. Beneath camouflage, people long for soothing words, faith, and knowing someone is on their side.

Reassurance vs. flattery. Reassurance reveals genuine affection to help someone endure, hinting at shared weaknesses with compassion. Flattery lies to gain advantage, focusing only on strengths. Simple, even banal, sentences can be critical.

Modern responsibility. In a time lacking divine reassurance, we can deliver it to fellow sufferers. We may not know details, but we know they likely feel pain, self-suspicion, loneliness, and shame. A modest word can make a big difference, bringing forbearance and gentleness.

5. Escape the Shadow of Past Expectations and Parental Influence

An emotional shadow comprises a panoply of (normally secret) commands about what will be required of a child to warrant affection and, metaphysically speaking, a place on Earth.

Universal shadows. Parents, famous or not, cast shadows through personality strength and expectations. These aren't just about money or fame, but invisible rules about who we must be to deserve love, leading to stifling compliance and self-betrayal.

Hidden commandments. Shadows impose secret commands: never rival parents, don't be happier than they were, love those who deny security, worry perpetually, feel inadequate. These lead to being taken advantage of, retiring ambitions, inability to feel amusement or excitement, and guilt over self-care.

Late adolescence. Liberating ourselves requires a delayed adolescence, defining ourselves afresh. Tricky parents are ghosts laid to rest by illumination, often with an unbiased listener. Growth means confronting the sad truth of imperfect love and claiming our right to autonomy and identity.

6. Listen to the Wisdom Hidden in Anger and Depression

For every one person who shouts too loudly, there are at least twenty who have unfairly lost their voices.

Suppressed emotions. While public anger is visible, a far commoner problem is the inability to get angry – swallowing frustration, leading to bitterness and depression. This isn't about rage, but dignified protest when something isn't right.

Origins in childhood. Hopelessness at anger stems from believing situations are too complex or that authorities are benign. Being forced to be "good" too soon, without permission for frustration, leads to inner deadness and being walked over in adulthood.

Depression's secret. Depression is sadness that has forgotten its causes, too devastating to face. It's unconscious choice of numbness over overwhelming pain. Self-hatred in depression is anger turned inward, a defense against hating someone else. Healing requires insight, allowing anger towards its true targets.

7. Reimagine Intimacy: The Stranger You Live With

We confuse seeing our lover every day with understanding their soul.

Boredom's paradox. Long-term relationships often lead to boredom, mistaking physical proximity for deep knowledge. We stop applying the searching intelligence we use with strangers, killing curiosity where we should be inquisitive.

Partial knowledge. We stop exploring after initial basics, shifting to practicalities. Our partial knowledge prevents asking for more, forgetting the mind's endless canyons. We become jaded about our partner, mirroring our jadedness about the world.

Manet's lesson. Like artists who see the ordinary anew (Manet's asparagus), we can see our partner as a wondrous alien. Date them as if new, asking about their inner life, past, aspirations, and sexuality. This regular exercise reminds us of their ongoing mystery, recovering excitement without needing a new lover.

8. Embrace Relationship Insecurity and Untragic Endings

Rather than drowning in insecurity, might we not benefit from emphasizing and embracing the fragility of our alliance?

Insecurity's benefits. A healthy dose of insecurity can improve relationships. Knowing the partner isn't duty-bound to stay fosters gratitude and appreciation for their presence. It makes remaining together a loving choice, not a prison.

Reducing bitterness. Insecurity reduces hidden irritation; complaints have weight when leaving is plausible. Both sides can state dissatisfactions, importing the care and effort of fragile beginnings. It makes threats meaningful, not impotent.

Untragic partings. Relationships can end not from failure, but success. If love is an education, it can be completed when partners have taught each other what they needed. This allows parting with gratitude, like a child leaving home, a good consequence of love, not a rejection.

9. Leave the "School" Mindset Behind in Work

Authority is not by definition benign.

Enduring school. Many adults remain stuck in a school mindset: believing authorities know best, seeking external validation (prizes), following implicit curricula, enduring dull work, pleasing others, trusting exams, and fearing bullies/weirdness.

Breaking the mold. Leaving school means realizing "they" don't know, the safe path can be dangerous, boredom is a vital tool, authority isn't always benign, and exams aren't ultimate value tests. It means daring to make enemies by developing character.

True freedom. This shift, whether at 28 or 62, means entering a boundless world. It requires recognizing school's limited preparation for life and finding courage to trust instincts over external validation, escaping a system designed to perpetuate its own rules.

10. Overcome the Pressure to Be Exceptional

The world divides into the privileged who can be ordinary and the damned who are compelled to be remarkable.

Exceptional burden. Some feel they must be extraordinary to deserve existence, leading to manic overachievement or shame at "mediocrity." This often stems from a parent needing the child to be special to shore up their own self-worth.

Achievement as illness. High achievement can be a species of mental illness, a bid to make things better for a struggling parent. Conversely, those content with ordinary lives may be emotional superstars, aristocrats of the spirit.

Breakdown as health. A breakdown can be a bid for health, forcing growth by destroying the building blocks of unhappy, driven careers. It's an attempt to throw off cruel expectations. True luxury lies in simplicity, quiet friendship, creativity without audience, and love without excessive hope or despair.

11. Embrace the Hard Work of "Laziness" and Boredom

Our boredom is a vital tool. It tells us what is slowly killing us, and reminds us that time is monstrously short.

Lazy's value. Outward "laziness" – lounging, staring, doing "nothing" – can be arduous, important inner work. It's distinct from practical busyness which often masks avoidance of deeper reflection on purpose, feelings, and direction.

Boredom's signal. Boredom is a confused signal that something is wrong, an apprehension of danger. It tells us which books, people, or films to abandon, reminding us of life's desperately short supply of time.

Late style. Listening to boredom leads to a "late style" – impatience, brevity, courage, intensity. Like Picasso learning from children, we shake off compliant habits to focus on what truly entertains us. This applies to all life aspects, cutting off the "dead" and expressing what truly matters.

12. Get Serious About Your Unique Pleasures and Small Luxuries

We spend far too much of our brief lives defending an impossible idea: that we are pretty much like anyone else.

Neglecting pleasure. We are strategic about work but haphazard about leisure, assuming what works for others works for us. This negligence costs us happiness; we fail to take our own fun seriously, lacking vigilance about our individuality.

Artist's lesson. Great artists take their pleasure seriously, drilling into their unique tastes beyond derivativeness. Like fetishists defending their specific proclivities, we need the stubbornness to foreground our own discoveries, escaping dispiriting uniformity.

Micro-luxuries. Luxury, at its best, is thoughtful pleasure. While grand luxuries are costly, core pleasures exist in small, accessible forms: a fine brioche, quality pencils, a refined plate. These offer consolation and uplift, symbols of consideration in an imperfect world, reminding us our unique sensations matter.

Last updated: May 6, 2025