Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome

1. Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a form of emotional abuse that damages parent-child relationships

PAS, Gardner noted, is a disturbance in which children are preoccupied with unjustified deprecation and criticism of a parent.

PAS definition and impact. Parental Alienation Syndrome occurs when one parent successfully manipulates children to turn against the other parent without justification. This results in children rejecting, fearing, or refusing contact with the targeted parent. PAS is a form of emotional abuse that damages the child's relationship with the targeted parent and can have severe long-term psychological effects.

Key components of PAS:

• Campaign of denigration against targeted parent
• Weak rationalizations for deprecating the parent
• Lack of ambivalence about alienating parent
• "Independent thinker" phenomenon
• Reflexive support for alienating parent
• Absence of guilt over treatment of targeted parent
• Borrowed scenarios
• Rejection extends to targeted parent's family

2. PAS occurs in three distinct family patterns, often involving narcissistic or abusive parents

In Pattern 1 families the parents were divorced; the mother was the custodial alienating parent, and the father was the noncustodial targeted parent. The most distinguishing feature of these families was that the alienating mother appeared to have a narcissistic personality disorder.

Three PAS family patterns. The research identified three common patterns in families experiencing PAS:

1. Divorced families with narcissistic mothers alienating children from fathers
2. Intact families with narcissistic mothers alienating children from fathers
3. Divorced or intact families with abusive/rejecting parents of either gender alienating children

Key characteristics:

• Alienating parents often had narcissistic or borderline personality traits
• Many alienating parents struggled with alcoholism
• Physical and sexual abuse co-occurred in some PAS families
• PAS occurred in both divorced and intact families

3. Alienating parents use manipulative strategies similar to cult leaders to turn children against the targeted parent

Alienating parents functioned as "intuitive persuaders" (Zimbardo & Anderson, 1993), utilizing a range of ad hoc and informal compliance tactics to control and manipulate their children.

Cult-like manipulation tactics. Alienating parents employ strategies similar to cult leaders to control their children's perceptions and behaviors:

• Denigrating the targeted parent
• Creating fear/anxiety about the targeted parent
• Withdrawing love if child shows affection for targeted parent
• Forcing child to choose sides
• Isolating child from targeted parent's family
• Rewriting history to erase positive memories of targeted parent
• Rewarding child for rejecting targeted parent

These tactics create an "us vs. them" mentality and foster unhealthy emotional dependence on the alienating parent.

4. PAS interferes with healthy attachment between children and targeted parents

The strategies used by the alienating parents suggest that they (intuitively) understood that the way to effectuate PAS was to foster the belief that the targeted parent was emotionally and physically unavailable so that the children would cease seeking comfort from and contact with him or her.

Disrupting attachment bonds. PAS strategies undermine the child's secure attachment to the targeted parent by:

• Portraying targeted parent as unsafe/unavailable
• Limiting physical and emotional contact
• Eroding positive memories and experiences
• Creating anxiety/fear about the targeted parent
• Rewarding rejection of the targeted parent

This interference with healthy attachment can have long-lasting effects on the child's ability to form secure relationships.

5. Realizing one has experienced PAS as a child is often a gradual, painful process

It was usually a slow and painful process for the interviewees to realize that they had been turned against a parent by the other parent.

Awakening to PAS reality. Adult children of PAS often go through a gradual, difficult process of realizing they were manipulated to reject a parent. Common catalysts for this realization include:

• Maturation and gaining perspective with age
• Alienating parent turning hostile toward child
• Becoming a parent oneself
• Reuniting with the targeted parent
• Therapy or counseling
• Witnessing alienating parent mistreat others

This realization process involves grief, anger, and a fundamental shift in how one views their childhood experiences and family relationships.

6. PAS has long-term negative impacts on adult children's mental health and relationships

At least six major areas of functioning were identified as effects of parental alienation syndrome. Many of the adult children of PAS suffered from low self-esteem, lack of trust in themselves and others, depression, drug and alcohol problems, alienation from their own children, and divorce.

Enduring psychological effects. PAS can have severe long-term impacts on adult survivors, including:

• Low self-esteem and identity issues
• Depression and anxiety
• Substance abuse problems
• Difficulty trusting others
• Relationship and intimacy issues
• Becoming alienated from their own children

Many adult children of PAS struggle with unresolved anger, guilt, and grief related to their childhood experiences of alienation and loss of relationship with the targeted parent.

7. Therapists can help adult survivors of PAS heal and reconnect with targeted parents

Working with adults who experienced PAS as children requires a thorough knowledge of the manifestations and patterns of PAS. The therapist should be familiar with assessing and treating childhood maltreatment, emotional abuse, children of alcoholics, and anxious attachments.

Therapeutic approaches for PAS survivors. Mental health professionals can support adult survivors of PAS through:

• Education about PAS dynamics and impacts
• Processing grief and anger related to childhood experiences
• Addressing co-occurring trauma, abuse, and attachment issues
• Exploring family-of-origin patterns and intergenerational transmission
• Supporting reconnection with targeted parents when appropriate
• Helping clients reclaim alienated parts of themselves

Therapy can help survivors understand their experiences, heal from the trauma of PAS, and develop healthier relationships.

8. Targeted parents need support and strategies to maintain relationships with alienated children

Targeted parents need encouragement to stay involved in their children's lives. The more children have an independent and positive relationship with them, the harder it will be for the child to believe the negative ideas promulgated by the alienating parent.

Supporting targeted parents. Mental health professionals can help targeted parents by:

• Educating them about PAS dynamics
• Providing emotional support and validation
• Teaching strategies to maintain relationships with alienated children
• Addressing shame and grief related to rejection by children
• Helping parents manage interactions with alienating parents
• Supporting self-care and maintaining a meaningful life despite PAS

Key strategies for targeted parents:

• Remain consistently loving and available to children
• Focus on quality time and positive experiences with children
• Avoid criticizing the alienating parent to children
• Document attempts at contact and involvement
• Seek legal and therapeutic support when needed

By staying involved and demonstrating unconditional love, targeted parents can help counteract alienation efforts and preserve their relationships with their children.

Last updated: November 20, 2024