Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex

1. Recognize the signs of loyalty conflicts in children of divorce

Children who are caught up in a loyalty conflict involving their parents tend to treat one parent very badly.

Campaign of denigration: Children may exaggerate minor flaws and react to them as if they're signs of your unworthiness as a person and parent. They may speak arrogantly and spitefully, condemning you coldly.

Weak reasons for rejection: Children may offer explanations that fail to account for their hostility, such as frivolous complaints or absurd accusations.

Lack of ambivalence: Children may express no mixed feelings about you or your ex, seeing one parent as all good and the other as all bad.

Other signs include:

• The "independent thinker" phenomenon
• Absence of guilt for rejecting you
• Reflexive support for your ex in parental conflicts
• Borrowed scenarios
• Extension of animosity to your friends and family

2. Understand the impact of poisonous messages from a toxic ex

Even if there's little (if any) truth to the statements being made, your child will know that you're a devoted, loving, and involved parent.

Steady stream of negativity: Your ex may criticize every aspect of your personality, conveying disdain through words, attitudes, and actions. This constant refrain paints you as an unworthy and contemptible person.

Absence of positive messages: Your ex fails to acknowledge any of your positive qualities or contributions as a parent.

Impact on children:

• Confusion about their own worth and identity
• Distorted perceptions of reality
• Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships
• Increased stress and anxiety

3. Navigate interference with contact and communication

Remember that feelings like anxiety, fear, boredom will pass—that feelings come and go.

Limiting parenting time: Your ex may encroach on your scheduled time through various tactics, such as arriving early for pickup or conveniently forgetting agreed-upon schedule changes.

Blocking communication: Calls, texts, and emails may go unanswered during separations, depriving you of opportunities to connect with your child.

Strategies to maintain connection:

• Create family traditions and shared experiences
• Use creative methods like leaving notes or small gifts
• Maintain a consistent, loving presence despite obstacles
• Focus on making the most of the time you do have together

4. Counter attempts to erase and replace you as a parent

The act of naming a person is one of claiming ownership and authority, and it provides the person with a new identity.

Erasing behaviors:

• Referring to you by first name instead of "Mom" or "Dad"
• Installing a replacement parent figure
• Changing your child's name
• Rewriting family history
• Withholding important information

Countering strategies:

• Gently correct misinformation and share positive memories
• Use I-messages to express your feelings
• Foster critical thinking skills in your child
• Create and honor family traditions
• Document and share your involvement in your child's life

5. Address betrayal of trust encouraged by your ex

Your child needs to be made to believe that he's being recruited to right a wrong; were you not so difficult or deceptive, you would have given your ex the information already.

Forms of betrayal:

• Allowing your child to choose whether to spend time with you
• Forcing your child to reject you
• Asking your child to spy on you
• Encouraging your child to keep secrets from you

Responding to betrayal:

• Use I-messages to express your feelings
• Cultivate compassion and ethics in your child
• Engage in mutual problem-solving
• Discuss different types of secrets and their implications
• Model ethical behavior and decision-making

6. Maintain parental authority despite undermining tactics

If your child knows that you have no means of enforcing discipline because she doesn't have to stay with you, then you have lost the leverage that's sometimes necessary to hold your child accountable for her behavior.

Undermining tactics:

• Creating conflicting rules of conduct
• Disregarding agreed-upon rules
• Sending items that contradict your values
• Commiserating with your child about your discipline
• "Rescuing" your child from your authority

Maintaining authority:

• Establish clear, consistent rules and consequences
• Communicate openly with your child about expectations
• Seek professional help if needed (e.g., family therapy)
• Document incidents of undermining for legal purposes
• Focus on positive reinforcement and relationship-building

7. Foster healthy independence in your child

All parents maintain expectations for their children's behaviors—regarding keeping their room clean, using proper manners, respecting other people's property, and so forth.

Signs of unhealthy dependency:

• Excessive preoccupation with pleasing the favored parent
• Inability to make decisions without the favored parent's input
• Rejection of own interests or values to align with the favored parent

Fostering independence:

• Encourage critical thinking and decision-making skills
• Provide age-appropriate choices and responsibilities
• Validate your child's feelings and experiences
• Support your child's unique interests and talents
• Model healthy boundaries and self-reliance

8. Implement positive and mindful parenting strategies

When you use active listening in response to your child's accusations, you can avoid "taking the bait" and transform the conflict into an opportunity to improve your parenting and deepen your bond with your child.

Key strategies:

• Active listening
• Emotion coaching
• Offering choices
• Mutual problem-solving
• Family meetings

Benefits of positive parenting:

• Strengthens parent-child bond
• Reduces conflict and power struggles
• Promotes child's emotional intelligence
• Builds child's self-esteem and confidence
• Creates a more harmonious family environment

9. Cultivate compassion and ethics in your child

The more compassionate she is and the more important it is for her to see herself as a compassionate person, the less likely she'll be to betray you in the future.

Teaching compassion:

• Model compassionate behavior
• Engage in age-appropriate volunteer work
• Discuss ethical dilemmas
• Praise and encourage compassionate actions

Fostering ethical thinking:

• Introduce the six pillars of character: trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring, and citizenship
• Provide opportunities for ethical decision-making
• Discuss consequences of actions on others
• Encourage empathy and perspective-taking

10. Practice self-care and seek support as a co-parent

When you stop hearing your child and only hear your ex's hatred for you, you miss opportunities to empathically connect with your child and improve your relationship.

Self-care strategies:

• Practice mindfulness and stress-reduction techniques
• Maintain a support network of friends and family
• Engage in regular physical exercise
• Pursue hobbies and interests outside of parenting
• Seek professional help when needed (e.g., therapy, support groups)

Building a support system:

• Connect with other co-parents facing similar challenges
• Join support groups or online communities
• Consult with professionals (e.g., family therapists, mediators)
• Maintain open communication with your child's teachers and caregivers
• Document incidents and seek legal advice when necessary

Last updated: October 8, 2024