After the Rain

1. Embrace Change as a Beautiful Unfolding

When I think of change, I like to imagine the transitions between seasons.

Change is inevitable. Viewing change as a natural process, like the seasons, helps to reduce fear and anxiety. Instead of resisting change, embrace it as an opportunity for growth and renewal. The author uses the metaphor of autumn foliage, where leaves wither and fall away, trusting that they will return in the spring.

Redefining self. The discomfort of unlearning old habits is a necessary part of redefining one's sense of self and discovering purpose. This process often requires solitude and self-autonomy, allowing for personal transformation without external distractions. The author shares her experience of being fired from a job and realizing she needed to take ownership of her life and career.

Bravery and vulnerability. Change requires both bravery to let go of the old and vulnerability to start over. This may involve multiple attempts to get it right, but each effort contributes to personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself. The author's experience of quitting a toxic job and pursuing her passion for writing illustrates this point.

2. Self-Love is a Daily Practice, Not a Destination

Disliking who I was came easily to me as a child.

Unlearning self-hatred. Overcoming self-aversion requires a conscious effort to replace learned behaviors of self-loathing with self-love, fulfillment, and joy. This process involves removing the need for external validation and finding worth within oneself. The author reflects on her childhood experiences of feeling unloved and how it shaped her self-perception.

Taking control. Realizing that certain things in life are a choice empowers individuals to take control of their lives and stop feeling like victims. This involves focusing on what is, facing it head-on, and doing one's best to fix what can be fixed. The author shares her journey of shifting her narrative and stepping out of the victim role.

Self-compassion. Self-love involves looking oneself in the eye, taking a deep breath, and affirming one's worthiness. It's about seeing oneself in the same warm glow that one sees others and recognizing that one deserves to take up space. The author emphasizes that self-love is not always a beautiful process but is birthed in the trenches of our darkest moments.

3. Soothe Suffering with Self-Compassion

I feel most at home in the silence of the morning.

Identifying grief triggers. Recognizing and addressing grief triggers is essential for managing emotional hardship. This involves acknowledging feelings of not being enough, which often stem from childhood experiences, and understanding their impact on one's mood. The author shares her experience of waking up from an unrestful sleep and identifying her grief triggers with the help of a friend.

Ongoing process. Self-healing is an ongoing process without a definitive end point. Triggers will continue to present themselves, and it's important to accept that emotional hardship does not have a final destination. The author emphasizes the need to accept that she will never be able to silence her suffering, but she can try to soothe it.

Self-soothing tools. Developing new ways to self-soothe when grief strikes is crucial for navigating the waters of suffering. This involves having conversations with one's younger self, writing letters and notes, and reminding oneself of one's worthiness. The author encourages readers to have a conversation with their younger selves and offer words of wisdom rooted in vulnerability, softness, and strength.

4. Time Reveals Wisdom, Tolerance, and Forgiveness

Time has become one of my greatest teachers.

Time as a healer. Time can be a healer, offering comfort to sore spots and teaching wisdom, tolerance, and forgiveness. It guides individuals to a glory-filled life and helps them unearth what it takes to be their best selves every day. The author reflects on how time has rescued her and taught her how to be wiser, more tolerant, and more forgiving.

Self-care and acceptance. Time teaches self-care, healthy relationships, and the importance of leaving a positive legacy. It reveals how to be okay with not being okay and how to stop pretending for the sake of being seen and heard. The author emphasizes that she is not on a stage and being anyone but herself would be a disservice to her purpose.

Letting go. Time allows for the undoing and unlearning of certain parts of one's story. It teaches how to release the need to fix what feels shattered and instead allow time to do the work. The author shares her experience of letting go of the need to fix what feels shattered and allowing time to do the work.

5. Self-Validation Empowers, Isolation Weakens

The stories of others lived in my bones for years.

Quest for togetherness. The need for validation often stems from a belief that one is born broken and requires someone else to put the pieces together. This quest for togetherness and acceptance can lead to a search for people who can fit one's pieces together. The author reflects on her past need for validation and how it was rooted in her belief that she was born a broken girl.

Learning self-validation. Self-validation is learned through trial and error. As one crumbles time and time again, it becomes clear that a person who needs fixing can't mend anyone, themselves included. The author shares her experience of realizing that she was always counting on someone else to make her feel complete.

Being your own validation. Years later, one continues to learn that one can flourish and be complete with or without someone standing next to them. Self-validation feels empowering rather than isolating and unnerving. The author emphasizes that it is no one else's job to make her feel whole and good—only she can do that.

6. Love Requires Vulnerability and Acceptance

The dense LA air was like molasses as I stepped through the Los Angeles International Airport’s doors to the arrival area.

Finding love at the right time. Connecting with someone at a good time in one's life, after doing a lot of self-work, can lead to a serious relationship. This involves not settling and figuring out who one is outside of external factors. The author shares her experience of meeting her husband, Ryan, at a good time in her life.

Effortless connection. Being with someone should feel effortless and make sense. What one has shouldn't be fairy-tale romantic but unedited and authentic. The author emphasizes that being with Ryan felt effortless and made sense.

Trust and vulnerability. Love requires vulnerability and can be a heart-opening experience that constantly shifts how one sees the world and oneself. Giving oneself permission to stretch, soften, and let things grow organically reminds one that one can change and make space for joy in ways that one had never imagined. The author reflects on how meeting Ryan proved that love was not evading her.

7. Becoming Requires Shedding the Old Self

I remember wanting so badly to be a mother again.

Cultivating meaning. Working diligently to cultivate one's own meaning of home and family is essential for personal growth. This involves sacrificing, suffering, and shifting to become the best version of oneself. The author reflects on her early years of motherhood and how she worked to cultivate her own meaning of home.

Breaking the cycle. Facing the fact that one is a statistic can drive one to want more out of life despite not knowing how to get there. This lack of awareness encourages one to learn and do things differently. The author shares her experience of facing the fact that she was a young, black, and unwed mother and how it drove her to want more out of life.

Building belonging. Building a sense of belonging becomes a priority in one's journey through unfolding. This involves not adhering to negative external voices and learning to stand in one's power. The author emphasizes that becoming who she wanted to be taught her how to stand in her power.

8. Family is Sown Through Unwavering Love and Intentional Choices

The roots in my life never felt firm.

Unconditional love. Experiencing unconditional love can be transformative, especially when it's new and unexpected. This involves feeling accepted through adversity and making one feel like one matters. The author reflects on her experience of receiving unconditional love from her husband's mother, Ileana.

Defining community. Creating one's own definition of community and family is essential for building a sense of belonging. This involves recognizing that family and home are what one makes them and that close friends can also be considered family. The author shares her experience of realizing that she and her husband can create their own definition of community and family.

Compassion and acceptance. Having compassion for one's past and the people in it is crucial for moving forward. This involves acknowledging one's flaws and striving to concede that there are many things one can't change. The author emphasizes the importance of having compassion for her past and the people in it.

9. Learning to Breathe is a Path to Presence

I love Eastern redbud trees.

Intentional breath. Being intentional about one's breath and staying present is essential for self-care. This involves stopping and being in the moment and making time for oneself. The author reflects on her experience of taking a rare walk alone and being intentional about her breath.

Silence and self-care. Being in silence can be intimidating but is necessary for self-care. It requires one's full attention and can open a Pandora's box of things one has stashed away. The author emphasizes that getting still can be a burden on her plans but is what she needed.

Gratitude and presence. Expressing gratitude for all that surrounds one and giving oneself permission to be fully present with any and everything that comes to the surface is crucial for finding peace. This involves stopping overextending and starting preserving some of oneself for just oneself without guilt or shame. The author shares her experience of expressing gratitude for all that was surrounding her and giving herself permission to be fully present.

10. Healing is a Journey, Not a Destination

We’d been married for a little under a year when the news came knocking on my door.

Facing betrayal. Dealing with betrayal in a relationship can be a heart-wrenching experience that challenges one's trust and sense of security. This involves questioning what one thought one knew about one's partner and the love one shared. The author shares her experience of receiving a message that shattered her marital bliss.

Choosing to repair. Staying to repair what was broken in a relationship feels threatening and way too vulnerable to stomach. This involves having gritty conversations that need one's full honesty and attention. The author emphasizes that staying meant she and her husband had to have gritty conversations.

Forgiveness and healing. Forgiveness and healing don't come overnight and require one to be accountable for one's choice to stay and one's choice to heal. This involves letting go of what was and dedicating oneself to what is. The author reflects on how letting go of what was created space for her to start over and love her husband in a new and healthier way.

11. Identity is a Source of Pride, Not Shame

Tears poured down my face like an ocean.

Early experiences shape identity. Early experiences of racism and discrimination can shape one's sense of self and create hyperawareness of one's otherness. This involves understanding that one's skin color, hair texture, and facial features all dictate how outsiders see one and how one sees oneself. The author reflects on her experience of being called a racial slur as a child and how it shaped her.

Celebrating blackness. Celebrating blackness and creating traditions that foster feelings of belonging and identity are essential for raising children with pride in their cultural heritage. This involves encouraging children to be proud of themselves and all their differences. The author emphasizes the importance of celebrating blackness as she raises and nurtures her children.

Reassurance and self-love. Providing reassurance and self-love to children who experience racism is crucial for helping them maintain a positive sense of self. This involves reminding them that blackness isn't a blemish or a burden and that their skin isn't a curse or something to detest. The author shares her experience of reassuring her daughter after she was told her skin looked like the color of poop.

12. Acceptance Cultivates Peace

Gathering around my uncle’s mahogany table to break bread and tell stories was a tradition for our family.

Redefining family. Coming to terms with difficult family dynamics and redefining what it means to move through familial spaces is essential for personal peace. This involves honoring people's silence even when it's being weaponized and becoming okay with simply not knowing or ever getting closure. The author reflects on her experience of being shunned by her uncle and his family.

Accepting what you cannot change. Practicing acceptance shows one that the baggage of others isn't one's to bear. This involves understanding what one can and can't control and not making people love one, see one, talk to one, or understand one. The author emphasizes the importance of accepting what one cannot change.

Cultivating love and community. Cultivating a table that doesn't run out of invitations for a seat when adversity strikes is crucial for fostering love and community. This involves making a home that allows love to live even after disagreements or misunderstandings. The author shares her hope of making a home for her children that allows love to live even after disagreements.

Last updated: March 10, 2025