All You Can Ever Know

1. Adoption shapes identity and raises questions of belonging

Family lore given to us as children has such hold over us, such staying power. It can form the bedrock of another kind of faith, one to rival any religion, informing our beliefs about ourselves, and our families, and our place in the world.

Adoption fundamentally impacts identity formation. Adoptees often grapple with questions of belonging and self-understanding throughout their lives. The stories told about their adoption, whether complete or partial, become a foundation for how they view themselves and their place in the world.

Navigating multiple identities is common. Adoptees may feel caught between their adoptive family's culture and their birth culture, especially in transracial adoptions. This can lead to feelings of not fully belonging in either world, and a lifelong journey of self-discovery and reconciliation of different aspects of identity.

Common identity questions for adoptees:

• Where do I come from?
• Why was I placed for adoption?
• Do I resemble my birth family?
• How would my life be different if I wasn't adopted?
• Where do I truly belong?

2. Searching for birth family can be complex and emotionally challenging

I wanted to write to them. But what would I say to that?

The decision to search is deeply personal. Many adoptees consider searching for their birth families at some point, but the reasons for searching and the timing of the search vary widely. The process can bring up a range of emotions, from excitement and hope to fear and anxiety.

Practical and emotional hurdles exist. Depending on the type of adoption and local laws, accessing information about birth families can be difficult. Even when information is available, adoptees must navigate complex emotions and potential impacts on their adoptive families. The search process often involves:

Steps in the birth family search process:

• Deciding to search
• Gathering available information
• Navigating legal and bureaucratic systems
• Preparing emotionally for potential outcomes
• Making initial contact (often through intermediaries)
• Negotiating boundaries and expectations for ongoing relationships

3. Reunion with birth family may not provide all the answers

I did not want to taint your idea of our mom, she wrote. But I have been wanting to tell you just so you would be cautious.

Reunions can be both fulfilling and disappointing. While meeting birth family members can provide answers to long-held questions, it may also reveal painful truths or create new complexities. Adoptees often must reconcile idealized notions of their birth families with the realities they discover.

Managing expectations is crucial. Both adoptees and birth family members may have different hopes and expectations for reunion. It's important to approach reunion with openness and flexibility, recognizing that building relationships takes time and effort. Potential outcomes of reunion include:

Possible reunion scenarios:

• Forming close, ongoing relationships
• Maintaining distant but cordial contact
• Experiencing rejection or disinterest
• Uncovering difficult family histories
• Needing to set boundaries or limit contact

4. Cultural and racial identity issues are common for transracial adoptees

I know it would be wonderful to go to sleep one night and wake up an entirely different person, one who would be loved and welcomed everywhere? Wouldn't it be wonderful to look at your face in the mirror and know you would always belong?

Transracial adoptees often struggle with belonging. Growing up in families and communities that don't reflect their racial or ethnic background can lead to feelings of isolation and a desire to fit in. Many transracial adoptees experience racism or microaggressions that their adoptive families may not fully understand or be equipped to address.

Connecting with birth culture can be healing. As they grow older, many transracial adoptees seek to learn about and connect with their birth culture. This can be a powerful way to develop a more complete sense of self, though it may also highlight the cultural knowledge and experiences lost through adoption.

Ways transracial adoptees may explore birth culture:

• Learning the language
• Studying history and traditions
• Connecting with others of the same ethnicity
• Visiting the country of origin
• Incorporating cultural practices into daily life

5. Adoptive and birth families can coexist in an adoptee's life

We were sisters, at last, because we had decided we should be.

Open adoptions and reunions create extended families. Many adoptees find ways to incorporate both adoptive and birth family members into their lives, though navigating these relationships can be complex. It often requires clear communication, boundary-setting, and a willingness to embrace non-traditional family structures.

Loyalty conflicts may arise. Adoptees may feel torn between their adoptive and birth families, worried about hurting feelings or appearing ungrateful. It's important for all involved to recognize that love and connection are not finite resources, and that an adoptee can have meaningful relationships with both families.

Strategies for balancing adoptive and birth family relationships:

• Open communication about feelings and expectations
• Creating new traditions that include both families
• Recognizing and respecting different roles and boundaries
• Allowing relationships to evolve naturally over time
• Seeking support from therapists or adoption-competent counselors when needed

6. Pregnancy and parenthood can trigger reflection on adoption experience

As I looked at our daughter, sleeping peacefully in her swaddle and her flannel hat, I felt a little bad that she'd been forced into clothing after months of being tucked up safe and warm. Moments after my own birth, I'd been moved from someone's arms to the impersonal if life-sustaining embrace of the incubator.

Becoming a parent often intensifies adoption-related emotions. The experience of pregnancy, birth, and caring for a newborn can bring up powerful feelings and questions for adoptees. They may find themselves thinking more about their own birth parents and the circumstances of their adoption.

Genetic connections take on new significance. For many adoptees, having biological children is the first time they've been genetically related to anyone. This can be profoundly meaningful, but may also highlight the genetic connections lost through adoption.

Common reflections during pregnancy/early parenthood:

• Wondering about birth mother's pregnancy experience
• Imagining alternative life paths if not adopted
• Feeling grateful for or conflicted about adoption
• Considering searching for birth family
• Wanting to pass on cultural heritage to children

7. Sharing adoption story with one's children requires thoughtfulness

When Abby was old enough to ask me, "Mama, what does 'adopted' mean?"

Adoptees must decide how to talk about adoption with their children. As parents, adoptees often grapple with how much to share about their own adoption stories and when. They must balance honesty with age-appropriate information, considering how to explain complex family relationships.

Children's understanding evolves over time. Adoption conversations are ongoing, with children's questions and comprehension changing as they grow. Parents need to be prepared for unexpected questions and emotions, creating an open environment where adoption can be discussed freely.

Tips for discussing adoption with children:

• Use age-appropriate language and concepts
• Be honest while respecting privacy boundaries
• Acknowledge feelings of loss or confusion
• Emphasize love and family commitment
• Provide opportunities for children to ask questions
• Share positive aspects of adoption and cultural heritage

8. Siblings separated by adoption may form powerful bonds later in life

We had been family once, and now we would be again. We were sisters, at last, because we had decided we should be.

Reconnecting with biological siblings can be deeply meaningful. For adoptees who discover they have biological siblings, forming relationships with them can provide a unique sense of connection and shared history. These relationships often develop quickly and intensely, as siblings recognize parts of themselves in each other.

Navigating new sibling relationships requires effort. While there may be an instant connection, building a lasting sibling bond takes time and intentionality. Siblings separated by adoption must navigate differences in upbringing, cultural backgrounds, and family dynamics.

Factors that can influence sibling relationships in adoption:

• Age at separation and reunion
• Shared vs. different birth parents
• Cultural and socioeconomic differences
• Geographic distance
• Support from adoptive and birth families
• Individual personalities and life experiences

9. Birth parents' motivations for adoption are often complicated

My birth parents' memories seemed to be based on what each wished to believe, and I couldn't quite reconcile their stories.

Adoption decisions are rarely simple. Birth parents may have a variety of reasons for placing a child for adoption, including financial difficulties, lack of support, cultural pressures, or concerns about their ability to parent. These reasons may be complex and evolve over time.

Birth parents' perspectives may change. As time passes, birth parents may view their adoption decision differently, experiencing a range of emotions from peace to regret. Adoptees seeking to understand their adoption story may encounter conflicting narratives or unresolved emotions from birth parents.

Factors that may influence birth parents' adoption decisions:

• Economic circumstances
• Age and life stage
• Relationship status
• Family and cultural expectations
• Health issues (parent or child)
• Availability of support systems
• Legal and social services context

Last updated: January 22, 2025