And Never Stop Dancing

1. Paradox and uncertainty govern our lives.

Happiness requires an ability to tolerate uncertainty.

Life is paradoxical. Our lives are often governed by paradox, where good and bad news are intertwined, and the long-term outcome of events is unclear for years. Many folk sayings reflect this truth, highlighting the unpredictable nature of consequences. We often find that "obeying the rules" doesn't guarantee fulfillment, as rules may serve others' interests.

Control what you can. While we face influences beyond our control like bureaucracies and economic forces, we gain maximum control by relinquishing the fantasy of total control. A useful definition of happiness is the ratio of accomplishment to expectations; both are self-defined, explaining why material wealth doesn't guarantee contentment. The best strategy is to control what's possible while accepting what isn't.

Develop resilience. To be happy in a world of routine misfortune, we need realistic expectations and resilience to tragedy. This involves accepting what we must and learning to let go of the past, grievances, and younger selves. Our finite time and inevitable mortality can be a reason for despair or an incentive to live courageously; the choice lies in our attitude.

2. Much of what we think we know is untrue.

Much of what we think we know is untrue.

We have blind spots. Most people have a modest self-opinion, yet we often overestimate certain traits like insight, humor, or driving skill. This disconnect between self-perception and how others see us is common. Even those who lack introspection often credit themselves with great self-understanding, resisting alternative explanations for their distress.

Self-assessment flaws. When asked, few people admit to lacking a good sense of humor or being a poor driver, despite evidence to the contrary. This suggests a widespread tendency towards self-deception in areas important to our self-image. Like common lies, these self-assessments reveal something fundamental about the human condition and our desire to be seen positively.

Improvement areas. Recognizing these common self-deceptions points to areas for genuine improvement. Instead of chasing superficial goals, focusing on cultivating humor, self-awareness, and consideration for others could truly enhance our lives. It requires challenging our ingrained beliefs about ourselves and being open to how others perceive us.

3. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.

Letting go of grievances. Forgiveness means giving up a grievance you are entitled to hold; it is not forgetting or reconciling. It is an act of relinquishment, primarily benefiting the forgiver by freeing them from the burden of bitterness. In a culture focused on retribution and blame, forgiveness is often unfashionable.

Freeing ourselves from the past. People often explain current problems by citing past hurts like abusive childhoods or bad marriages. While the past shapes us, we cannot change what happened. Releasing the past's hold requires a conscious choice and courage, involving forgiveness not just of others, but also of ourselves for mistakes and missed opportunities.

Beyond blame. While holding people accountable is necessary, forgiveness allows us to move beyond simple blame and victimhood. The story of Ashley Smith and Brian Nichols illustrates how empathy and treating someone like a human being, even a violent offender, can reveal complexity and lead to unexpected outcomes. Forgiveness frees us from the need to see others as purely evil and ourselves as purely wronged.

4. It is easier to be angry than sad.

It is easier to be angry than sad.

Anger begets anger. While pop psychology often encourages expressing anger, especially in relationships, this frequently leads to repetitive conflict. Habitual criticism, often starting with "always" or "never," escalates battles where each person feels the need to defend themselves, usually with offense. This dynamic prevents reasonable responses and healthy communication.

Sadness underlies anger. Behind the power struggles and hostility in failing relationships lies the profound sadness of failed expectations. We get angry at those who annoy us, but this often masks the deeper pain that the relationship isn't what we hoped for. Changing these patterns requires recognizing the underlying sadness and choosing a different way to interact.

Fear and unhappiness. Anger often serves as a substitute for harder-to-express emotions like fear and unhappiness, which are perceived as weaknesses. Getting mad and blaming others allows us to feel like a victim, granting prerogatives like complaining and avoiding responsibility. Recognizing anger as a potential mask for sadness or powerlessness is the first step toward transforming the situation.

5. It is better to be spent than saved.

It is better to be spent than saved.

Stop waiting to live. Many people conserve energy, waiting for external events to trigger action, sometimes like waiting for a messiah. Those without such beliefs must find other excuses for inaction. Passivity hinders progress in therapy and life; change requires mobilizing one's own capacity, not waiting for someone else to "save" you.

Life is not a rehearsal. We often only commit to change when staying the same becomes too painful. It dawns on us that life is finite, and time is running out. We carry internal ideas of desired lives, but external images of success are often superficial and unattainable, leading to confusion about what truly brings happiness.

Challenge passivity. The prospect of change is anxiety-provoking, leading people to avoid it or seek quick fixes like medication. While medication helps with mental illness, relying solely on it for emotional discomfort promotes passive acceptance. It's better to challenge passivity, stop waiting for external answers, and mobilize courage to discover changes that align with who you want to be.

6. Marriage ruins a lot of good relationships.

There [is] no loneliness like marriage.

Unrealistic expectations. We are drawn to marriage by societal expectations and the hope of finding someone to "complete" us. However, we often enter marriage young and inexperienced, making it hard to predict compatibility over time. Misgivings are often ignored amidst wedding plans, leading to disappointment when partners change or relationships devolve into conflict over common issues like children, money, and sex.

Paying for mistakes. When a marriage fails, people often blame the other person, but choosing a partner is a significant decision for which we must take responsibility. Divorce is a painful process where no one truly wins, and the high failure rate of second marriages suggests lessons aren't always learned. Taking ownership of the initial choice is crucial for moving forward.

Beyond the contract. Many marriages function like contracts based on reciprocal services and scorekeeping, rather than unconditional love. A good marriage, however, shouldn't feel like hard work or endless compromise. It requires choosing a partner with kindness and a willingness to prioritize you, and cultivating those virtues in yourself. With the right partner, a good marriage can be easy and filled with renewable love.

7. The best stepparents do the least parenting.

The best stepparenting strategy is to leave the discipline to the child’s parent.

Challenges of blended families. Raising someone else's children after divorce and remarriage is often difficult. Children of divorce typically wish their parents were back together and may resent new parental figures. It's easier for them to direct anger at a stepparent than a biological parent, especially if they feel caught in parental conflict or divided loyalties.

Avoid discipline. Stepparents often struggle with ambiguous roles and differing parenting philosophies from their spouses. The most effective approach is to avoid direct discipline and leave it to the biological parent. This prevents resentment from the child and reduces conflict, allowing the stepparent to build a friendly, non-disciplinary relationship.

Be a friend, not a parent. By declining the boundary-setting tasks of parenthood, a stepparent can offer something unique: a friendly, nonjudgmental adult perspective. Adults raised by stepparents often value their stepparent's consistent presence and emotional availability more than attempts at discipline. This approach fosters a respectful and affectionate relationship without the pressure of traditional parenting roles.

8. Seeing ourselves as others see us is difficult.

One of life’s most difficult tasks is to see ourselves as others see us.

Self-perception vs. reality. We often dislike our physical appearance in mirrors, focusing on imperfections. Similarly, our view of our personality traits like honesty or empathy often doesn't match how others perceive us. In crises, behavior can reveal a disparity between our self-image and our actions, as seen in the Baltimore water taxi accident where passengers prioritized their own safety over helping those trapped.

Hypocrisy and self-interest. It's hard to find people willing to act against their self-interest, and we often fail to see the disconnect between our self-perception and how others experience us. This blindness contributes to self-righteousness and antagonism towards those who differ. The legal system, for example, often assumes self-interest, making it hard to conceive of someone acting purely on principle.

Parental impact. Hypocrisy is most damaging in parenthood, where the disparity between words and actions is evident. Children often struggle with parents whose behavior contradicts their stated values. Parenthood is a sacred trust, and our legacy includes the judgment of those closest to us, regardless of our intentions or claims of doing our best.

9. Attachment is the source of all suffering.

Attachment is the source of all suffering.

Grief is unavoidable. Grief is the internal experience of loss, distinct from mourning (its external expression). It cannot be avoided or overcome, only experienced. There's no orderly progression through grief; emotions are unpredictable. Contemporary culture often pressures people to "get over it" quickly, pathologizing prolonged sadness, but some losses, like the death of a child, are irredeemable.

The Zero Point. Profound grief, like losing a child, creates a "Zero Point" – an instant that resets internal gauges, emptying hopes and wants into an abyss. The future becomes a yoke of obligation, and the unattainable past the only hospitable place. This devastation is often silent and unnoticed by the wider world.

Cheap grief vs. real loss. Public displays of emotion over celebrity deaths, or "cheap grief," feel hollow to those who have experienced profound loss. This performative sadness lacks the lasting, lacerated heart that follows the death of someone truly central to life. Real grief involves endless pain, sleepless nights, and a certainty that life is permanently diminished by random death.

10. We are all capable of anything.

We are all capable of anything.

The potential for violence. Growing up with guns and aspiring to be a hunter or soldier instilled an early understanding of power and control. The author's personal story of momentarily sighting a rifle on his father reveals the unsettling truth that the capacity for violence, even against loved ones, can exist within us, born of complex emotions like love, hate, and rivalry.

Beyond morality. In moments of intense emotion or perceived powerlessness, the potential for actions beyond conventional morality can surface. The trance-like state described suggests that under certain conditions, the line between thought and deed can blur, revealing a capacity for darkness that is unsettling but inherent in human nature.

Acknowledging the capacity. The realization that "we are all capable of anything" is a profound and perhaps disturbing truth. It challenges the idea that evil is only external or confined to certain types of people. Understanding this capacity within ourselves, even if never acted upon, is a step towards deeper self-awareness and a more complex view of human nature.

11. We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.

We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.

Information overload. We are bombarded with disconnected information, primarily from television and the internet, often presented linearly without context. 24-hour news fills time with noise – sensational stories, celebrity gossip, and repetitive analysis – distracting us from important events. This makes it difficult to discern what is worth paying attention to.

Lack of understanding. Despite access to vast information, many people lack fundamental knowledge about geography, politics, history, or current affairs. This is because knowledge requires integrating information into a framework for understanding, glimpsing the "big picture" to see where facts fit. Without this, information remains fragmented and unuseful.

Prejudice over knowledge. New information often conflicts with established preconceptions and is ignored or reinterpreted to maintain existing worldviews. This "ossified prejudice" uses facts to justify core beliefs, preventing genuine learning and modification of views. Wisdom, the highest rung of cognition, requires distilling experience into useful understanding, a capacity not guaranteed by age but by the effort to integrate information and knowledge.

12. Relinquish dignity last.

Relinquish dignity last.

Challenges of aging. Aging presents the risk of becoming a cultural cliché, marginalized and devalued. Physical decline and loss strip away pretenses, forcing a confrontation with mortality. The fear of infirmity and death drives futile attempts to hide aging, but the real challenge is facing what we've become with courage.

Avoiding irrelevance. When work and family responsibilities lessen, the elderly risk becoming extraneous. Preoccupation with physical ailments makes them difficult company, further isolating them. To avoid this, older adults need activities that provide meaning and prevent them from becoming solely defined by physical decline or repetitive complaints.

Living with dignity. Instead of focusing on dying with dignity, the emphasis should be on living with dignity. This involves stopping complaints, finding engaging activities, reducing excessive focus on minor ailments, and accepting that the world has changed. Cultivating humility and engagement, rather than retreating into physical preoccupations, is key to navigating aging with grace.

Last updated: May 5, 2025