Belong

1. Belonging is a fundamental human need, not a weakness.

Lonely and isolated, we cannot survive, let alone thrive.

Crisis of isolation. Many people, including the author at age 30, experience a profound lack of belonging despite being surrounded by others or having many online connections. This isolation is not just an emotional issue; studies show weak social ties are as harmful as alcoholism and twice as harmful as obesity, increasing inflammation and suppressing immune response. In contrast, communities with strong social ties, like the "Blue Zones," demonstrate remarkable longevity and health.

In our DNA. Humans are inherently tribal animals, wired for connection from birth. We are at the top of the food chain not due to individual strength but our ability to collaborate through storytelling, skill-sharing, and community building. The need to belong is as fundamental as food, water, and shelter, sitting alongside love and positive touch in an updated hierarchy of needs.

Beyond survival. While connection is necessary for survival, true belonging allows us to flourish. It's a feeling of deep relatedness, acceptance, and being "home," where you can be fully yourself without judgment. Belonging involves shared values, responsibility, and contributing your unique gifts to the collective, moving beyond mere presence to active participation.

2. Finding community starts with Gentle Self-Awareness.

Building a community where we feel a deep sense of belonging requires a real and honest understanding of ourselves first.

Look under the hood. Before seeking connection externally, turn inward with gentle self-awareness to understand your history, patterns, and inner landscape. This process, though sometimes intense, should be kind and colorful, not self-judgmental. Understanding yourself clarifies what you truly want and need in a community.

Recognize your history. Plotting your life timeline reveals patterns in choices, moves, relationships, and influences. Honoring the events and people that shaped you provides clarity on your path and reinforces that you have the power to choose who you spend time with. Sharing this history with trusted others can deepen mutual understanding.

Inner voices. Become aware of your "Green Ego" (confident, abundant, cheerleader) and "Red Ego" (fearful, insecure, judgmental), and the "Mean Girls" (Comparison, Perfectionism, Judgment) versus "Soul Sisters" (Inspiration, Gratitude, Curiosity) in your mind. Gently noticing these internal dialogues helps you consciously shift from negative, isolating thought patterns towards positive, connecting ones.

3. Be Intentional about your Values, Interests, and Abilities (VIA) and what you seek in others.

If we don’t take the time to do a Personal VIA assessment for ourselves, we may end up in relationships that deplete us and in misaligned communities that don’t serve us.

Personal HR. Just as companies assess candidates for fit, conduct a personal "HR" process for your relationships and community. Define your core Values (non-negotiables like health, creativity, trust), Interests (passions like dancing, hiking, reading), and Abilities (skills you bring, even subtle ones like listening or organizing). This self-assessment is vital for finding alignment.

Define your ideal. Create a three-column list: qualities you seek in friends/community, qualities you don't want, and most importantly, qualities you need to embody to attract the right people. This exercise reveals how your own energy and behavior influence the connections you draw. Use "I want" statements to frame desired personal qualities.

Conscious choice. Unlike childhood where proximity dictated friendships, adulthood allows intentional choice. By clarifying your VIA and desired qualities, you move from passively falling into relationships to actively seeking those who align with and energize you. Regularly revisiting your VIA ensures your community evolves with you.

4. Energy is the most potent human attribute; curate yours and those around you.

the energy you put out is the energy you get back.

Invisible force field. Energy is our most potent form of communication, felt the moment we meet someone, radiating from within and shaping how others perceive us. It's a great equalizer, independent of status or wealth. Positive energy attracts positive community; negative energy breeds negative community.

Axis of Energy. Map your relationships on a graph with axes for Positive/Negative and High/Low energy. This visualization helps you gently recognize energy patterns in your relationships and how they affect you. It reveals who energizes or depletes you, allowing you to be more intentional about where you invest your time.

Control and refresh. Your energy fluctuates based on physical state, emotions, and external factors, but it is within your power to control and change it. Practice conscious energy "refreshing" at any moment, like walking through a doorway and resetting your intention. This prevents drifting into negative states and empowers you to choose your energetic direction.

5. Naturally release your D.O.S.E. (Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, Endorphins) for happiness.

Understanding your brain chemistry is vital to understanding how to protect, reset, and increase your energy.

Happy chemicals. Your brain naturally produces four key chemicals linked to happiness and energy: Dopamine (reward/pleasure), Oxytocin (cuddle hormone/trust), Serotonin (mood stabilizer/significance), and Endorphins (pain relief/positive feelings). Learning to release these naturally is like accessing a "Star Wars Jedi" dose.

D.O.S.E. Circuit Training. Engage in activities that trigger these releases:

• Dopamine: Achieve goals, get things done (e.g., finish a workout, complete a task).
• Oxytocin: Physical touch (hugging, holding hands), social recognition, generosity.
• Serotonin: Sunlight exposure, exercise, practicing gratitude, belonging to a group.
• Endorphins: Strenuous exercise, dancing, laughter.

Mind-body connection. Recognize that emotional well-being is deeply intertwined with physical health. Instead of compartmentalizing, see your body as a "human machine" whose needs (sleep, nutrition, exercise) directly impact your energy and mood. Prioritizing self-care is essential for maintaining a high, positive energy state.

6. Find your people through the Four Stages of Community: Explore, Participate, Connect.

To find your people, you have to be willing—and generous—with your energy.

Structured search. Finding your community can be overwhelming, but the Four Stages provide a roadmap: Exploratory, Participatory, Outer Core, and Inner Core. This process requires patience, authenticity, and showing up, moving beyond convenience to find soul-filling connections.

Explore widely. Start by exploring various groups and places aligned with your VIA (Values, Interests, Abilities) with a curious, beginner's mind. Use online tools like Meetup or Facebook groups as stepping stones, but prioritize showing up in person. This low-risk stage is about discovering what resonates and where you feel a spark of interest.

Participate actively. Once you've explored, narrow down to a few groups and invest your time and energy by participating and contributing. This could be volunteering, organizing, or simply showing up consistently with an FYF (F*ck Yeah! Friend) attitude. Participation fosters emotional investment and helps others see you as someone they want to connect with.

Connect deeply. Through exploration and participation, you'll find "Portals"—generous individuals who are gateways to like-minded communities. These connections lead to your Outer Core (larger group, 50-150 people) and Inner Core (closest friends, 3-10 people) communities. These are relationships where you feel an "Equal Energy Exchange" and can truly belong.

7. Build your dream community using the CRAWL Method.

Knowing how to curate a good energy mix is the key to launching a magnetic community.

Foundation first. The CRAWL method provides a blueprint for building communities from scratch: Core Values + Constraints + Core Community (C), Rituals (R), Aesthetics (A), Why + What (W), and Language (L). Like building a house, a strong foundation is essential.

Define your core. Start by defining your community's Core Values (non-negotiables), Constraints (filters that clarify who it's for, e.g., morning, sober, dance-focused), and Core Community (initial group of FYFs and Portals who set the positive energy tone). Curating the right energy mix from the start is crucial for magnetism.

Add structure and style. Incorporate Rituals (traditions that inspire loyalty and participation, like entry/exit greetings or shared meals), Aesthetics (visuals, name, and space design that convey feeling and identity), and a clear Why + What (purpose, leadership, sustainability plan). Develop a unique Language style that combines your authentic voice with what your community longs for.

8. Nurture your community through consistent effort and connection.

My ultimate motto for nurturing and sustaining communities is, “What you put in is what you get out.”

Like a garden. Communities require consistent care and attention to thrive. There's no room for being "too cool for school" or playing hard-to-get; dedication is key. Nurturing involves showing up fully and generously contributing to the collective experience.

Foolproof methods. Nurture your community through simple, consistent actions:

• Be Present & Listen: Give genuine attention and offer authentic praise.
• Take Initiative & Be Accountable: Reach out, be proactive, and keep your word.
• Eat Together: Share meals or snacks to foster connection (FSF - Taste).
• Give Gifts: Show thoughtfulness with small, intentional tokens.
• Inspire Fun, Play, & Adventure: Encourage silliness, dress-up, and new experiences.
• Design Spaces for Belonging: Create intentional physical environments that encourage connection (FSF - Sight, Touch, Smell).
• Advanced Communication: Practice active listening and ask thoughtful questions.
• Touch Your Friends More: Offer hugs and appropriate physical affection (FSF - Touch).
• Get Active Together: Share physical activities like dancing, hiking, or sports.

Show up fully. Beyond physical presence, showing up means being present, authentic, and contributing value. Consistency builds trust and loyalty, creating a beautiful cycle where the community also reenergizes you.

9. Reframe and embrace conflict using empathy and Life Language.

How we choose to embrace inevitable conflict will shape all our relationships.

Inevitable growth. Conflict is a natural and necessary part of any relationship or community's evolution. Instead of avoiding it, reframe conflict as an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection. Dealing with conflict gracefully is "Community Architecture 2.0."

Life Language. Before entering a difficult conversation, consider the "Life Language" of both yourself and the other person by asking three questions:

• Where am I/they in life overall (health, finances, family, job)?
• Where am I/they right now in this moment (hungry, stressed, tired)?
• Where am I/they with you/me in our relationship (tense, at ease, hurt)?
  Acknowledging these variables fosters empathy and reduces misunderstanding.

Acknowledge and communicate. Misunderstanding often happens because we don't see or share the full picture. Be vulnerable and share your own Life Language, giving permission for others to do the same. Practice acknowledgment by empathizing with the other person's experience before sharing your own feelings. Avoid sensitive conversations via text, where tone and context are easily lost.

10. Overcome the Fear of Being Left Out (FOBLO) and cultivate the Joy of Missing Out (JOMO).

When you overcome FOBLO, you will experience JOMO—Joy of Missing Out.

Pain of exclusion. FOBLO (Fear of Being Left Out) is a painful experience, amplified by social media, that triggers the same brain regions as physical pain. It often stems from insecurity and comparing ourselves to others. While common, it's often shrouded in shame.

Reverse FOBLO. Overcome FOBLO by:

• Asking yourself why you feel it (often not about you).
• Talking about it vulnerably with friends.
• Remembering it's not always personal.
• Recognizing you're exactly where you're supposed to be.
• Checking in with your self-esteem and focusing on self-care.
• Releasing expectations.
• Throwing your own inclusive events.
• Using FOBLO as a lesson to deepen valued friendships.

Cultivate JOMO. By addressing FOBLO and building a strong sense of self-worth and belonging, you naturally move towards JOMO (Joy of Missing Out), feeling happy and content being exactly where you are. Making others feel welcomed and included is also a powerful antidote to FOBLO.

11. Belonging is a lifelong journey; embrace it at every age.

As you age, it’s more important than ever to find and keep your people around you!

Aging challenges. Aging can be disorienting, bringing physical changes, kids moving away, friends passing, and retirement. Societal expectations often push older adults towards isolation and spectator roles rather than active participation. Age discrimination is also a barrier to intergenerational connection.

Master Citizens. Embrace aging with courage, vulnerability, and intentionality. Challenge expectations and continue exploring new interests and communities. Finding and keeping your people is crucial for well-being in later life. Intergenerational communities, where people of all ages connect and contribute, are vital for a richer, more vibrant society.

Continuous evolution. The journey of belonging doesn't end. You will revisit the Four Stages of Community throughout life as circumstances change. The key is to remain VIC (Vulnerable, Intentional, Courageous), keep showing up, nurturing relationships, and embracing the natural evolution of friendships and communities. Life is a grand adventure best shared with others.

Last updated: May 4, 2025