Beyond Reason

1. Emotions are Inevitable Assets: Embrace their power in negotiation.

We cannot stop having emotions any more than we can stop having thoughts.

Emotions are constant. Whether positive or negative, emotions are always present in negotiation, affecting both you and the other party. Trying to ignore them is futile and can be detrimental, as they influence your body, thinking, and behavior, often outside conscious awareness.

Obstacles and assets. Emotions can derail negotiations by diverting attention, damaging relationships, or making you vulnerable to exploitation. However, they can also be powerful assets, providing crucial information about priorities and interests, building rapport, and motivating creative problem-making and stable agreements, as seen in President Carter's Camp David negotiations.

Beyond rational argument. Negotiation is not purely a rational exercise; it involves both head and gut. Recognizing and strategically using emotions, rather than being controlled by them, is essential for effective and comfortable interactions, leading to wiser outcomes.

2. Address Core Concerns, Not Just Emotions: Focus on underlying human needs.

Rather than getting caught up in every emotion you and others are feeling, turn your attention to what generates these emotions.

Go to the source. Instead of trying to identify and manage the myriad of constantly changing emotions, focus on the five core concerns that stimulate most feelings in negotiation. These are universal human wants that, when addressed, generate positive emotions and mitigate negative ones.

Five core concerns:

• Appreciation: Feeling understood and valued.
• Affiliation: Sense of connection with others.
• Autonomy: Freedom to make and affect decisions.
• Status: Standing compared to others.
• Role: Having a personally fulfilling job or part to play.

Lens and lever. These core concerns serve as a lens to understand the emotional landscape of a negotiation during preparation, conduct, and review. More importantly, they act as levers, providing concrete actions you can take to proactively stimulate positive emotions in yourself and others, regardless of their current emotional state.

3. Cultivate Appreciation: Understand, value, and acknowledge others (and yourself).

To appreciate is a verb.

More than thanks. Appreciation involves actively understanding another's point of view, finding genuine merit in their thoughts, feelings, or actions, and communicating that understanding sincerely. This is crucial because feeling unappreciated is a significant obstacle to cooperation.

Three elements:

• Understand their point of view: Listen actively, look for "music" and "meta-messages."
• Find merit: Look for value in their reasoning or beliefs, even if you disagree; act like a mediator.
• Communicate understanding: Demonstrate you've heard and valued their perspective through words and actions.

Appreciation is not concession. Finding merit in someone's view does not mean agreeing with them or giving in. It means recognizing the validity of their perspective from their standpoint. Self-appreciation is also vital; don't rely solely on others for validation.

4. Build Affiliation: Transform adversaries into colleagues through connection.

If we feel affiliated with a person or group, we experience little emotional distance.

Connectedness matters. Affiliation is the sense of emotional closeness or connection with another person or group. When negotiators feel affiliated, they are more likely to trust, cooperate, protect each other's interests, and work jointly towards mutually beneficial outcomes.

Structural and personal links:

• Structural: Find or build common group memberships (e.g., colleagues, alumni, shared interests). Treat the other person as a colleague from the outset.
• Personal: Reduce emotional distance through face-to-face meetings, discussing things you care about (within comfortable boundaries), and maintaining contact.

Overcoming adversarial assumptions. The default assumption in negotiation is often adversarial, hindering collaboration. Proactively building affiliation, even through small gestures like sitting side-by-side or planning joint activities, can shift the dynamic from opposition to partnership, as demonstrated in the successful Peru-Ecuador border negotiations.

5. Respect Autonomy: Empower yourself and others to make decisions.

Each of us wants an appropriate degree of autonomy.

Freedom to decide. Autonomy is the fundamental human desire to have the freedom to affect or make decisions without undue imposition from others. Impinging on someone's autonomy, even unintentionally, can quickly trigger negative emotions like resentment and anger.

Expand your autonomy. Even without formal decision-making authority, you have significant autonomy to influence outcomes. You can make recommendations, invent options by separating brainstorming from deciding (like Roger Fisher did during the Iran hostage crisis), and conduct joint brainstorming sessions.

Avoid impinging on others. Unilateral decisions, even on minor issues, can offend others if they feel excluded from a process they should have been part of. Always Consult Before Deciding (ACBD) or at least Consider Consulting Before Deciding (CCBD) with those affected, including "invisible" stakeholders, to respect their input and avoid negative emotional fallout.

6. Acknowledge Status: Recognize worth and expertise beyond social hierarchy.

There is no need to compete over status.

Standing and influence. Status refers to our standing compared to others, influencing both self-esteem and how others view us. Competing for status is counterproductive in negotiation, leading to resentment and hindering collaboration.

Social vs. particular status:

• Social status: General standing in a social hierarchy (fame, wealth, position). Treat everyone with courtesy regardless of social status.
• Particular status: Standing within a specific field of expertise or experience (e.g., technical skill, life experience, negotiation knowledge). Everyone has areas of high particular status.

Recognize and appreciate. Acknowledge and appreciate the other person's high particular status where deserved, without diminishing your own. Asking for advice is a powerful way to do this. Be aware of "status spillover," where status in one area is given undue weight in another.

7. Choose Fulfilling Roles: Define your purpose and activities in the interaction.

We all have a concern with having a role that is personally fulfilling.

Purpose and meaning. A fulfilling role has a clear purpose, is personally meaningful, and feels authentic, not like a pretense. Unfulfilling roles can lead to resentment and disengagement.

Conventional and temporary roles:

• Conventional: Commonly accepted roles (e.g., manager, parent, lawyer). You can shape the activities within these roles to make them more fulfilling.
• Temporary: Roles you choose to play in the moment (e.g., listener, problem solver, advisor). These are easy to adopt and can foster collaboration.

Shape your role. Don't passively accept an unfulfilling role. Become aware of the roles you play and redefine the activities within them to better meet your core concerns. Appreciate the roles others want to play and suggest temporary roles that foster joint work, like shifting from adversaries to colleagues.

8. Manage Strong Negative Emotions: Prepare for and constructively address intense feelings.

Strong negative emotions are like a snowball rolling down a hill. They get bigger as they roll along.

Be ready for intensity. Strong negative emotions like anger or fear can cause tunnel vision, making clear thinking difficult, and can lead to regrettable actions. They are contagious and escalate quickly, so readiness is crucial.

Emergency plan:

• Check emotional temperature: Assess if your emotions are manageable, risky, or out of control.
• Soothe yourself: Have pre-chosen techniques (deep breaths, breaks, visualization) to calm down.
• Soothe others: Appreciate their concerns, suggest breaks, or change the setting or players if needed.

Purposeful expression. If you express strong negative emotions, know your purpose: getting them off your chest (carefully, perhaps to a third party), educating others about impact, influencing behavior (with caution), or improving the relationship (clarify intentions, apologize if needed). Avoid blaming and stay on topic.

9. Prepare Thoroughly: Focus on Process, Substance, and Emotional Readiness.

Prepare. Prepare. Prepare.

Preparation reduces anxiety. Lack of preparation is a major reason negotiators struggle. Effective preparation covers process, substance, and emotions, significantly reducing anxiety and increasing the likelihood of a positive outcome.

Three areas of preparation:

• Process: Define the meeting's purpose, desired product, and a suggested sequence of events (e.g., clarify interests, generate options, decide).
• Substance: Analyze the seven elements of negotiation (interests, options, alternatives, criteria, commitments, communication, relationship) from both sides' perspectives. Use role reversal to test your arguments.
• Emotion: Use core concerns as a lens to anticipate sensitivities and as a lever to plan positive actions. Visualize success and practice self-soothing techniques.

Learn from experience. Don't let hard-earned lessons fade. Review negotiations promptly after they end, alone or with colleagues, focusing on "What Worked Well" and "What to Do Differently" regarding emotions, process, and substance. Keep a journal to record insights and build your personal negotiation guide.

Last updated: May 7, 2025