Key Takeaways
1. Go to the Balcony: Step Back and Gain Perspective
The most natural thing to do when faced with a difficult person or situation is to react. It is also the biggest mistake you can make.
Suspend your reaction. When confronted with a difficult negotiation, resist the urge to react immediately. Instead, mentally step back to a "balcony" viewpoint to gain perspective. This allows you to:
- Control your emotions and avoid impulsive responses
- Assess the situation objectively
- Keep focus on your ultimate goals
Buy time to think. Use tactics to create space for reflection:
- Pause and say nothing
- Rewind the conversation to clarify points
- Take a time-out or break
- Avoid making important decisions on the spot
By going to the balcony, you can respond strategically rather than reactively, increasing your chances of a successful negotiation outcome.
2. Step to Their Side: Listen and Acknowledge
Listening to someone may be the cheapest concession you can make.
Disarm through surprise. Instead of arguing or resisting, do the opposite of what your counterpart expects. Step to their side by:
- Listening actively to understand their perspective
- Acknowledging their points and feelings
- Agreeing wherever possible without conceding your position
This approach helps:
- Defuse negative emotions
- Build rapport and trust
- Make the other side more receptive to your views
Express your views without provoking. Once you've listened and acknowledged, share your perspective in a non-confrontational way:
- Use "I" statements instead of accusatory "you" statements
- Present differences as additions rather than contradictions
- Stand up for yourself while maintaining respect
By stepping to their side, you create a climate conducive to joint problem-solving and mutual understanding.
3. Reframe: Change the Game
To change the negotiation game, you need to do the same thing. Do the opposite of what you may feel tempted to do. Treat your opponent like a partner.
Redirect attention. Instead of rejecting the other side's position, accept it and reframe it as an opportunity to discuss interests, options, and fair standards. Use problem-solving questions to:
- Uncover underlying interests ("Why do you want that?")
- Generate options ("What if we tried this approach?")
- Explore fair criteria ("What makes that fair?")
Change the frame. Recast the conversation from:
- Positions to interests
- Past blame to future solutions
- "You vs. Me" to "We vs. the problem"
By reframing, you shift the focus from confrontation to collaboration, increasing the likelihood of finding mutually satisfactory solutions.
4. Build a Golden Bridge: Make It Easy to Say Yes
Your job is to build a golden bridge across the chasm.
Remove obstacles to agreement. Address the four common reasons people resist:
- Not their idea: Involve them in crafting the solution
- Unmet interests: Satisfy their basic needs and concerns
- Fear of losing face: Help them save face with constituents
- Too much, too fast: Break the process into manageable steps
Make it attractive to say yes. Build a golden bridge by:
- Asking for and incorporating their ideas
- Satisfying unmet interests creatively
- Helping them save face
- Going slow to go fast
Remember: It's not enough to get to the other side of the chasm; you need to make crossing the bridge appealing and easy for your counterpart.
5. Use Power to Educate, Not Escalate
Use power to educate the other side that the only way for them to win is for both of you to win together.
Avoid the power paradox. Resist the temptation to use force or threats, which often backfire by increasing resistance. Instead:
-
Let them know the consequences of no agreement through:
- Reality-testing questions
- Warnings (not threats)
- Demonstrations of your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement)
-
Use the minimum power necessary to bring them back to the table
-
Neutralize attacks without counterattacking
-
Remind them of the golden bridge
Aim for mutual satisfaction. The goal is not victory, but education. Help your counterpart recognize that negotiation is the best way to satisfy their interests.
By using power constructively, you increase the chances of reaching a mutually beneficial agreement without damaging the relationship.
6. Overcome Obstacles with Preparation and Persistence
Preparation is easier to do when you're talking it over with someone else.
Prepare thoroughly. Before negotiating:
- Identify interests, options, standards, and alternatives (BATNA)
- Anticipate obstacles and plan responses
- Rehearse with a colleague or friend
Be patient and persistent. Breakthrough negotiation takes time and effort. Remember:
- Progress often comes gradually
- Small breakthroughs can lead to major ones
- Even seemingly impossible negotiations can yield satisfactory agreements
By preparing well and persisting through challenges, you increase your chances of success in difficult negotiations.
7. Turn Adversaries into Partners for Mutual Satisfaction
Your goal is not to win over them, but to win them over.
Change the game. The breakthrough strategy allows you to:
- Approach opponents indirectly
- Act contrary to their expectations
- Treat them with respect as people to be persuaded, not objects to be pushed
Focus on mutual satisfaction. Instead of seeking victory:
- Change the environment in which decisions are made
- Let opponents draw their own conclusions
- Help them choose for themselves
By transforming the negotiation from a confrontation to a side-by-side problem-solving exercise, you can turn adversaries into partners working towards a mutually satisfactory agreement.
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FAQ
What's "Getting Past No" about?
- Negotiation in Difficult Situations: "Getting Past No" by William Ury is a guide to negotiating effectively in challenging situations where the other party is uncooperative or hostile.
- Breakthrough Strategy: The book introduces a five-step strategy called Breakthrough Negotiation, designed to help negotiators overcome barriers and reach mutually satisfactory agreements.
- Focus on Cooperation: It emphasizes transforming adversarial relationships into cooperative partnerships by changing the negotiation game from confrontation to problem-solving.
- Practical Techniques: Ury provides practical techniques and real-world examples to illustrate how to apply the Breakthrough Strategy in various contexts, from business to personal relationships.
Why should I read "Getting Past No"?
- Improve Negotiation Skills: The book offers valuable insights and techniques to enhance your negotiation skills, especially in difficult situations.
- Universal Application: The strategies and principles can be applied in various settings, including business, family, and politics, making it a versatile resource.
- Conflict Resolution: It provides tools to resolve conflicts and build better relationships, which are essential skills in both personal and professional life.
- Proven Methods: The methods are based on Ury's extensive experience as a negotiator and mediator, ensuring they are practical and effective.
What are the key takeaways of "Getting Past No"?
- Five-Step Strategy: The Breakthrough Strategy consists of five steps: Go to the Balcony, Step to Their Side, Reframe, Build Them a Golden Bridge, and Use Power to Educate.
- Control Reactions: The first step emphasizes controlling your reactions to maintain focus on your goals and avoid escalating conflicts.
- Empathy and Understanding: Stepping to the other side involves listening and acknowledging the other party's perspective to create a favorable negotiation climate.
- Creative Problem-Solving: Reframing focuses on shifting the discussion from positions to interests, encouraging creative solutions.
How does the Breakthrough Strategy work in "Getting Past No"?
- Go to the Balcony: This step involves taking a mental step back to gain perspective and avoid reacting impulsively to provocations.
- Step to Their Side: It emphasizes listening and acknowledging the other party's emotions and viewpoints to build rapport and reduce hostility.
- Reframe: This involves redirecting the conversation from rigid positions to underlying interests, facilitating problem-solving.
- Build Them a Golden Bridge: This step focuses on making it easy for the other party to agree by involving them in the solution and addressing their needs.
What is the "Go to the Balcony" technique in "Getting Past No"?
- Mental Detachment: "Go to the Balcony" refers to mentally distancing yourself from the negotiation to maintain objectivity and control your reactions.
- Avoid Impulsive Reactions: It helps prevent impulsive reactions that can escalate conflicts and derail negotiations.
- Focus on Goals: By going to the balcony, you can keep your focus on achieving your negotiation goals rather than getting caught up in emotional exchanges.
- Preparation and Reflection: This technique encourages preparation and reflection before and during negotiations to stay grounded and strategic.
How can I "Step to Their Side" according to "Getting Past No"?
- Active Listening: Listen actively to the other party's concerns and emotions to show understanding and respect.
- Acknowledge Their Perspective: Acknowledge their points and feelings without necessarily agreeing, which can help defuse tension and build rapport.
- Empathy and Respect: Demonstrating empathy and respect can create a more favorable environment for negotiation and reduce adversarial attitudes.
- Avoid Arguing: Instead of arguing, focus on understanding their viewpoint and finding common ground to facilitate cooperation.
What does "Reframe" mean in "Getting Past No"?
- Shift Focus: Reframing involves shifting the focus from rigid positions to underlying interests, encouraging a more collaborative approach.
- Ask Problem-Solving Questions: Use questions to explore interests, options, and standards, guiding the conversation toward creative solutions.
- Change the Game: By reframing, you change the negotiation game from adversarial to problem-solving, making it easier to find mutually beneficial outcomes.
- Address Tactics: Reframing also involves addressing and neutralizing tactics like stone walls, attacks, and tricks by redirecting attention to the problem.
How do you "Build Them a Golden Bridge" in "Getting Past No"?
- Involve the Other Side: Engage the other party in crafting the solution to make it their idea and increase their commitment to the agreement.
- Address Unmet Interests: Identify and satisfy any unmet interests, including intangible needs like recognition and autonomy.
- Help Save Face: Allow the other party to save face by framing the agreement as a victory or positive outcome for them.
- Go Slow to Go Fast: Break the agreement into manageable steps and avoid rushing, making it easier for the other party to agree.
What does "Use Power to Educate" entail in "Getting Past No"?
- Educate, Don't Escalate: Use power to educate the other party about the consequences of no agreement, rather than escalating the conflict.
- Reality-Testing Questions: Ask questions that help the other party understand the realities and costs of not reaching an agreement.
- Warn, Don't Threaten: Frame your power moves as warnings rather than threats to avoid provoking a defensive reaction.
- Demonstrate Your BATNA: If necessary, demonstrate your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) to show the other party the benefits of reaching an agreement.
What are some of the best quotes from "Getting Past No" and what do they mean?
- "The best general is the one who never fights." This quote emphasizes the importance of resolving conflicts through negotiation rather than confrontation.
- "Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across." It highlights the need to make it easy for the other party to agree by addressing their needs and allowing them to save face.
- "To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill." This quote underscores the value of achieving goals through negotiation and persuasion rather than force.
- "An eye for an eye and we all go blind." It warns against the destructive cycle of retaliation and escalation in conflicts.
How does "Getting Past No" relate to Ury's other works?
- Trilogy on Negotiation: "Getting Past No" is part of a trilogy on negotiation, along with "Getting to Yes" and "The Power of a Positive No."
- Complementary Principles: The principles in "Getting Past No" complement those in "Getting to Yes," focusing on overcoming obstacles to cooperation.
- Saying No Positively: "The Power of a Positive No" explores how to say no constructively, aligning with the strategies in "Getting Past No" for dealing with difficult situations.
- Life Skills for Negotiation: Together, these books provide a comprehensive guide to the life skills necessary for successful negotiation in various contexts.
What are some practical examples of applying the Breakthrough Strategy in "Getting Past No"?
- Salary Negotiation: The book provides an example of negotiating a raise by reframing the conversation to focus on cost-saving contributions and future compensation.
- Hostage Negotiation: It illustrates the application of the strategy in a hostage situation, emphasizing listening, reframing, and building a golden bridge for peaceful resolution.
- Business Mergers: The book discusses real-world business negotiations, such as the failed CBS-Gannett merger, to highlight the importance of involving the other side and addressing unmet interests.
- Everyday Conflicts: Ury offers examples from everyday life, such as dealing with a difficult boss or a rebellious teenager, to demonstrate the universal applicability of the Breakthrough Strategy.
Review Summary
Getting Past No offers practical strategies for negotiating in difficult situations. Readers praise its clear, concise advice and real-world examples. The five-step breakthrough strategy is highlighted as particularly useful. Many found the book's principles applicable beyond business settings. Some critics noted dated examples and overlap with Ury's previous work. Overall, readers appreciated the book's insights on managing emotions, reframing discussions, and building mutually beneficial agreements, finding it a valuable resource for improving negotiation skills.
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