Boyslut

1. Sexual Shame is Pervasive and Starts Early

Sex-negativity is pervasive, insidious, and touches us all—and not in a fun, kinky way.

Shame starts young. Early negative experiences, even seemingly innocuous ones like being caught exploring nudity as a child, can deeply ingrain sexual shame. This shame isn't always tied to religious or overtly sex-negative households; societal messages are powerful enough on their own. The author's childhood OCD manifesting as sexual intrusive thoughts highlights how deeply shame can impact the psyche from a young age.

Societal influence. Constant exposure to sex-negative media, slut-shaming narratives (like the Lewinsky scandal or Nipplegate), and censorship reinforces the idea that sex is bad or shameful. This barrage of negative messaging is often more impactful than positive influences, even from supportive parents. It creates a world where healthy sexual exploration is stifled and guilt flourishes.

Lasting impact. This early-ingrained shame can lead to significant confusion, anxiety, and unhealthy coping mechanisms later in life, such as using drugs or alcohol to facilitate sexual encounters. Overcoming it requires actively unlearning these societal lessons and challenging the belief that normal human desires are "bad" or "perverted."

2. Porn Isn't Inherently Bad, But Poor Sex Education Makes It Problematic

However, porn without proper sexual health information is bad.

Porn as fantasy. Pornography offers a space for exploring fantasies without real-world judgment or fear. It can be a valuable tool for self-discovery and even bonding with partners. However, mainstream porn often depicts unrealistic scenarios, body types, and sexual behaviors that are far removed from reality.

Unrealistic expectations. Without proper sex education, viewers, especially young ones, can mistake porn for reality. This leads to:

• Unrealistic expectations about penis size or sexual stamina.
• Believing sex is always rough or aggressive.
• Misunderstanding consent or communication dynamics.
• Focusing solely on penetration rather than mutual pleasure.

Education is key. The problem isn't porn itself, but the lack of comprehensive sex education that teaches critical thinking about media, anatomy, consent, communication, and diverse sexual experiences. Anti-porn agendas often mask a broader desire for sexual repression, rather than a genuine concern for healthy viewing habits.

3. Discovering Sexual Identity Isn't Always a Clear "Lightbulb Moment"

I thought I was going to have a moment of clarity—a lightbulb moment—when I kissed another man.

Identity is a journey. The process of understanding one's sexual identity, particularly for bisexual individuals, is often not a single, definitive event. It can be a long, confusing journey filled with questioning, denial, and experimentation. The author spent years rationalizing attractions to men while identifying as straight, expecting a clear sign that never came.

Compartmentalization and denial. It's possible to genuinely experience attraction to multiple genders while actively focusing on only one, leading to internal conflict and confusion. Blaming sexual encounters with a non-preferred gender on external factors like alcohol is a common coping mechanism to avoid confronting a complex identity.

Seeking clarity. The desire for a clear label (gay or straight) can be intense, especially when societal understanding of non-monosexual identities is limited. This pressure to fit into a binary can prolong the period of questioning and make the journey feel isolating and anxious.

4. Bisexual Identity Faces Unique Challenges and Requires Audibility

If I wasn’t constantly shouting about my bisexuality from the rooftops—which I have made a career out of—I’d be labeled as gay.

Double discrimination. Bisexual individuals often face prejudice and misunderstanding from both straight and gay communities, leading to feelings of not belonging. This "double discrimination" contributes to poorer mental and physical health outcomes for bi people.

Lack of visibility. Unlike gay or trans identities which have developed clearer visual iconography and cultural touchstones, bisexuality is often invisible unless explicitly stated. Relationships involving bi people are typically perceived as either "gay" or "straight," making the identity less apparent in daily life.

The need for audibility. Because bisexuality isn't always visually apparent, actively claiming the label and speaking about one's identity ("bisexual audibility") is crucial for visibility, community building, and challenging misconceptions. Common ignorant questions and assumptions about bisexuality highlight the ongoing need for education and self-advocacy.

5. Handling Rejection (Giving and Receiving) is Difficult But Crucial

Few people handle rejection well, which is interesting when you consider the experience’s universality.

Rejection hurts. Rejection, whether romantic or sexual, is universally painful because it activates the same brain regions as physical pain. This makes it difficult to handle gracefully and often leads to taking it personally or feeling inadequate.

Poor rejection skills. Many people lack the skills to reject others kindly and directly, often resorting to ghosting or indirect avoidance out of fear of causing pain or confrontation. This cowardice, while stemming from a desire to avoid hurting others (or oneself), often causes more confusion and pain in the long run.

Learning to respond. Improving how we give and receive rejection requires:

• Being direct and kind when rejecting someone.
• Not taking rejection personally; it's often about compatibility, not inherent worth.
• Allowing others to feel their emotions, even if directed at you.
• Viewing rejection as information rather than an attack.

6. Therapy is Vital for Processing Shame and Identity, But Choose Wisely

Mental health professionals can cause serious harm.

Therapy's value. Therapy is an invaluable tool for unpacking deep-seated shame, understanding complex emotions, and navigating identity journeys. A good therapist can provide new perspectives and coping mechanisms for issues like OCD, anxiety, and sexual confusion.

Finding the right fit. Not all therapists are created equal. It's crucial to find a mental health professional who is affirming of your identity (e.g., queer-affirming, kink-positive) and whose approach resonates with you. A bad therapist can perpetuate harm through ignorance or outdated views.

Putting in the work. Therapy requires vulnerability and effort. It's not a passive process. Clients need to be willing to dig deep, face fears, and challenge their own assumptions. Learning to communicate needs, set boundaries, and accept rejection are key skills developed through therapeutic work.

7. Hookup Apps Like Grindr Have Transformed Queer Sex and Community

Second only to PrEP, I believe Grindr has had the most significant impact on queer men and gay male culture in the past two decades.

Ease of access. Apps like Grindr have made finding casual sex incredibly easy, providing immediate access to potential partners nearby. This has dramatically increased body counts and normalized casual encounters within the queer male community.

Double-edged sword. While convenient for sex, these apps are often detrimental for finding romantic connection and can be highly addictive. They also facilitate superficiality, objectification, and harmful behaviors like ghosting and unsolicited explicit content.

Social impact. Grindr has unfortunately amplified existing prejudices within the queer community, including racism, fat-phobia, femme-phobia, transphobia, and HIV-shaming, often masked as "preferences." However, they also provide a vital space for community connection, kink exploration, and open discussion about sex, particularly for those in less visible areas.

8. Kinks Are Common and Exploring Them Shamelessly Can Be Therapeutic

I cannot tell you the number of kink-related questions I receive for Sexplain It.

Kinks are normal. Despite societal stigma, kinks and fetishes are incredibly common. Fantasizing about BDSM or other non-vanilla activities is widespread, suggesting that most people have desires outside the perceived "norm."

Shame hinders exploration. Shame around kinks prevents people from discussing and exploring their desires, leading to feelings of isolation and potential dissatisfaction in their sex lives. Overcoming this shame is crucial for sexual fulfillment.

Therapeutic potential. For some, particularly survivors of trauma, BDSM and kink exploration, when practiced with clear communication, consent, and boundaries (RACK - Risk-Aware Consensual Kink), can be a powerful tool for healing, reclaiming power, and processing past experiences. The key is consensual, informed practice, not the kink itself.

9. STI Stigma is Harmful; Treat Them Like Any Other Infection

Let us not forget that the stigma surrounding STIs is designed.

Stigma is intentional. The intense stigma surrounding STIs is not inherent to the infections themselves but is a societal construct designed to control sexual behavior and instill shame. This stigma disproportionately affects marginalized groups and hinders open discussion and testing.

Treatable infections. Many common STIs are bacterial infections, like strep throat, and are easily treated with antibiotics. Even viral STIs like HIV are manageable with modern medicine, allowing individuals to live healthy lives and prevent transmission (U=U).

Risk assessment. Sex always carries some level of risk, even "safer sex." Individuals should be empowered to understand these risks, discuss them with partners, and make informed, consensual decisions about their sexual health and practices without judgment. Open communication and regular testing are key.

10. Ethical Non-Monogamy Challenges Traditional Relationship Norms

Polyamory doesn’t just allow a relationship to evolve; it encourages it, seeing evolution as an inevitability.

Beyond the escalator. Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), including polyamory and open relationships, offers alternatives to the rigid "relationship escalator" model of dating, marriage, and traditional progression. It allows for relationships to be defined by the participants based on their needs and desires, rather than societal expectations.

Focus on communication. Successful ENM requires radical honesty, clear communication, and emotional intelligence to navigate multiple connections, jealousy, and differing needs among partners and metamours. This emphasis on open dialogue can lead to deeper understanding and stronger bonds.

Affirming identity. ENM can be particularly affirming for bisexual and pansexual individuals, allowing them to explore attractions to multiple genders within their relationship structures. It challenges the assumption that one person must fulfill all needs and embraces the potential for love and connection with many.

11. Communication and Vulnerability Are Essential in All Relationships

Always be vocal. Communication is key.

Honesty builds trust. Open and direct communication, even about difficult topics like feelings, needs, desires, or insecurities, is fundamental to healthy relationships, whether monogamous or non-monogamous. Avoiding tough conversations out of fear of conflict or judgment ultimately erodes trust.

Vulnerability fosters connection. Allowing oneself to be vulnerable and share true feelings, even those perceived as negative like jealousy or insecurity, is necessary for deep emotional intimacy. A partner's receptive response to vulnerability reinforces safety and encourages further openness.

Setting expectations. Clearly articulating needs, boundaries, and expectations from the outset helps prevent misunderstandings and resentment. While challenging, this upfront honesty allows partners to make informed decisions about the relationship's compatibility.

12. Living Shamelessly is Key to Fulfillment and Happiness

Only once you’ve become shameless can you start being truly fulfilled and happy.

Shame is detrimental. Unlike guilt, which can deter negative behavior, shame is a destructive emotion that fosters self-loathing and hinders personal growth. It is often used as a tool of control by societal forces.

Embracing authenticity. Overcoming shame involves accepting oneself fully, including one's sexual identity, desires, and past experiences. This requires challenging internalized negative messages and choosing to live authentically, regardless of external judgment.

Finding fulfillment. Living shamelessly allows for genuine self-expression, the pursuit of true desires (sexual and otherwise), and the formation of authentic connections. It is the path to shedding anxiety, embracing joy, and finding fulfillment on one's own terms.

Last updated: May 18, 2025