Building a Non-Anxious Life

1. Anxiety is an alarm, not the problem itself.

Anxiety is simply an alarm.

Anxiety is a signal. The feeling of anxiety isn't the core issue; it's your body's alarm system alerting you that something is wrong. Like a smoke alarm, it tells you there's a fire, but the alarm itself isn't the fire. We've created lives our bodies weren't designed for, filled with constant stimulation, disconnection, and perceived threats, causing these alarms to ring off the wall.

We're addicted to alarms. Over time, our responses to quiet the alarms (avoidance, distraction, excessive action, rumination) can become habits and even addictions. We might become addicted to the stress chemicals or the temporary relief these behaviors provide, leading our brains to seek out or create threats just to trigger the familiar response loop. This keeps us stuck in a cycle of anxious living.

The fire is the problem. Instead of trying to silence the alarms (through medication alone, avoidance, or distraction), we need to identify and address the underlying "fires" in our lives. These fires often relate to feeling alone, unsafe, unhealthy, or lacking autonomy. Addressing these root causes is the path to building a non-anxious life, rather than just managing symptoms.

2. Choose Reality: Face the truth of your life, both dark and light.

Our bodies are constantly solving for reality, even if we are not.

Honesty is the starting line. Building a non-anxious life begins with choosing reality – taking an honest inventory of your life, relationships, health, finances, and values. This means facing both the painful, dark truths (debt, unhealthy habits, strained relationships, past trauma) and the good, light truths (blessings, resilience, support systems, progress made).

The body keeps score. Regardless of how we try to numb, distract, or lie to ourselves, our bodies know the truth of our circumstances. They register the stress of debt, the pain of disconnection, the toll of poor health, and the lack of safety. These realities trigger the anxiety alarms, signaling that our environment or choices are not supporting our well-being.

Grief clarifies reality. Facing the gap between the life we hoped for and the reality we have is often painful and involves grief. However, research shows that sadness and grief can lead to greater accuracy in self-perception and a more thoughtful understanding of the world. Embracing this discomfort is essential for healing and moving forward with clarity and purpose.

3. Choose Connection: Combat loneliness by choosing love and deep relationships.

Other people are your emergency fund for life.

Loneliness is killing us. Despite being the most digitally connected generation, we are experiencing unprecedented levels of loneliness. Millions lack close friends or someone to call in an emergency. This isolation is not just emotionally painful; it's physically detrimental, increasing risks for numerous diseases and even premature death.

The body senses isolation. When we are lonely, our brains perceive a heightened threat level because we lack the support of a "tribe" for safety and survival. This triggers the anxiety alarms and floods our bodies with stress chemicals, making us more reactive and prone to seeing threats that aren't real.

Love is the anchor. Choosing connection means actively building deep, authentic relationships based on love – being fully seen, heard, and known, and still being loved. This requires vulnerability, showing up for others, and allowing others to show up for you. Love is a choice and a skill practiced daily, providing the safety and belonging our bodies crave.

4. Choose Freedom: Reclaim autonomy from debt, clutter, time, and weak boundaries.

Solving for freedom with money means you don’t owe anyone anything.

Lack of autonomy fuels anxiety. When we feel controlled by external factors – debt, excessive possessions, overscheduled calendars, or other people's expectations – our bodies sense a lack of safety and sound the anxiety alarms. Reclaiming control over these areas is crucial for building a non-anxious life.

Areas to choose freedom:

• Money: Being debt-free provides immense freedom and peace, allowing you to make choices based on your values rather than financial obligations. Debt is a form of enslavement that keeps you working for others.
• Clutter & Stuff: Excessive possessions suffocate us, demanding our time, money, and mental energy. Our stuff screams at us, creating a constant, overwhelming "silent to-do list" that contributes to anxiety.
• Time: Overscheduled, chaotic calendars leave no margin for rest, reflection, or spontaneous connection. Disrespecting time leads to constant rushing and stress, preventing our minds from thinking deeply.
• Boundaries: Weak or absent boundaries allow others to dictate our lives, sacrificing our health, relationships, and sanity to please others. Boundaries are acts of self-compassion that define where we end and others begin, creating space for healthy connection.

Identity of freedom. Choosing freedom is not just about actions; it's about adopting the identity of a person who is free. This involves intentional choices like paying off debt, decluttering regularly, managing your calendar, and setting clear boundaries, even when it's difficult or unpopular.

5. Choose Mindfulness: Control your inner world through awareness and curiosity.

Mindfulness is about changing our relationship to those thoughts and emotions.

Challenge the inner voice. Building a non-anxious life requires taking on the constant, often negative, inner chatter. This voice, influenced by past experiences and external messages, can be judgmental, blaming, and fear-inducing, contributing significantly to anxiety.

Awareness and curiosity. Mindfulness is the practice of stretching the gap between a stimulus (a thought, feeling, or event) and your reaction. It involves:

• Awareness: Noticing your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations without judgment. Recognizing your automatic impulses and reactions.
• Curiosity: Approaching your inner experience and external events with a spirit of inquiry rather than immediate judgment or reaction. Asking "why" your body is reacting a certain way or "what else could be true" about a situation.

Rewiring the brain. Practicing mindfulness, through techniques like meditation or simply pausing before reacting, helps build new neural pathways. This makes it easier over time to observe your thoughts and feelings without being consumed by them, allowing for intentional responses rather than automated reactions.

6. Choose Health and Healing: Prioritize physical and emotional well-being and safety.

In order to create a non-anxious life, and in order to give your body a chance to function as it should—as an integrated, well, and whole system—you must Choose Health and Healing.

Body and mind are linked. Your physical and emotional health are deeply intertwined and significantly impact your anxiety levels. Chronic physical pain, poor nutrition, lack of sleep, and unaddressed trauma all contribute to your body sounding the anxiety alarms because they compromise your sense of safety and well-being.

Healing from trauma. Trauma, whether acute, secondary, collective, or cumulative (neglect, insults), is stored in the body and triggers present-day anxiety responses based on past dangers. Healing involves addressing these old wounds, often with professional support, to retrain your body to feel safe in the present. You are worth more than the worst thing that happened to you.

Prioritize physical health. A cornerstone of a non-anxious life is caring for your physical body through daily choices:

• Movement/Exercise: Regular physical activity is crucial for both physical and mental health, strengthening the brain and reducing anxiety.
• Sleep: Adequate sleep (7-9 hours) is non-negotiable for regulating mood and reducing anxiety.
• Nutrition: Fueling your body with whole foods and being mindful of intake supports overall well-being.
• Professional Support: Regular check-ups, blood work, and seeking help from doctors, dentists, and therapists are essential for maintaining health and addressing issues.

Safety is paramount. Ultimately, choosing health and healing is about creating an environment where your body feels safe. This may require difficult choices like leaving an abusive situation, setting firm boundaries, or prioritizing your well-being over external expectations.

7. Choose Belief: Anchor to something bigger than yourself and let go of control.

Belief is letting go.

The illusion of control. We live in a culture that emphasizes self-actualization and control, leading us to believe we must hold the universe together ourselves. However, we control very little – not the beginning or end of life, not major world events, not the choices of others. This realization, coupled with the fear of death, fuels anxiety.

Everybody worships. As philosopher David Foster Wallace noted, there is no such thing as not worshipping; the only choice is what to worship. When we worship finite things like money, power, intellect, or ourselves, they inevitably fail us and "eat us alive," leading to perpetual anxiety and dissatisfaction because they can never provide enough or last forever.

Anchor to the transcendent. To truly live a non-anxious life, you must anchor yourself to something bigger and more infinite than yourself – a higher power or transcendent source. This belief is not about controlling variables but about surrendering the illusion of control and trusting in something beyond your limited understanding.

Letting go is freedom. Anchoring to a higher power allows you to let go of the need to control everything. This surrender is not weakness but a profound act of freedom. It acknowledges your finitude while connecting you to an infinite source, providing a deep sense of peace and knowing you are never truly alone.

8. Choose the Hard Path: Embrace discomfort and challenge to build resilience.

Modern humans may have an unmet need to do what’s truly difficult for us.

Discomfort is not the enemy. Our modern world has become overly comfortable, removing many of the physical and mental challenges our bodies crave. This lack of productive struggle contributes to anxiety, depression, and a lack of resilience. Choosing the hard path is an act of rebellion against this comfort crisis.

Purpose of the hard path: Intentionally incorporating difficult things into your life serves two purposes:

• Builds Confidence: Facing challenges and doing hard things proves to yourself, unequivocally, that you are capable and resilient. This builds genuine confidence, not the flimsy kind based on external validation.
• Prepares for Inevitable Hardship: Life will inevitably bring difficult moments you don't choose (loss, illness, failure). A lifetime of choosing hard things prepares your mind, body, and soul to face these unchosen hardships with courage and resilience.

Choosing your hard. While we don't choose all of life's difficulties, we can choose the difficult path in areas we can control – our thoughts and actions. This means choosing discipline over motivation, consistency over perfection, and growth over comfort.

Mind, Body, Soul application: Choosing the hard path applies to all areas of life:

• Mind: Engaging with challenging ideas, writing, seeking silence over constant stimulation.
• Body: Regular exercise, prioritizing sleep, mindful nutrition, seeking professional health support.
• Soul: Facing trauma, grieving losses, setting boundaries, choosing belief and surrender.

This daily choice to embrace difficulty brings the non-anxious life full circle, enabling you to face the world with peace and resilience.

Last updated: May 16, 2025