Care to Dare

1. Secure Base Leadership balances caring and daring.

Notice that the title reflects the two sides of Secure Base Leadership: caring and daring. You cannot have one without the other.

Care and dare. Secure Base Leadership is the art of combining care (safety, protection, comfort) with dare (inspiration, exploration, risk-taking, challenge). This dual focus unleashes astonishing potential in individuals, teams, and organizations, leading to sustainable high performance. It's not about being soft or just driving results; it's the powerful synergy of both.

Beyond management. While management focuses on tasks and processes, leadership is fundamentally about inspiring and harnessing energy in people. Secure Base Leaders achieve outstanding results by focusing on relationships and inspiring others to achieve more than they thought possible, articulating goals that become secure bases themselves. This approach liberates people from fears that hinder performance.

Humanizing leadership. At its core, Secure Base Leadership is about humanizing the workplace. It acknowledges that people bring their whole selves to work, including their fears and aspirations. By caring enough to dare, leaders create environments where people feel valued, supported, encouraged, and inspired, leading to healthier, more vibrant organizations.

2. A Secure Base provides safety and inspires risk-taking.

a person, place, goal or object that provides a sense of protection, safety and caring and offers a source of inspiration and energy for daring, exploration, risk taking and seeking challenge.

Safety enables risk. A secure base is anything that provides a sense of safety, security, and comfort, which paradoxically enables exploration and risk-taking. It shuts down the brain's primal fear response and encourages curiosity. Without safety, people feel vulnerable and become defensive; without daring, they become overprotected and their potential is limited.

Beyond people. While people (like parents, teachers, mentors, bosses) are often the strongest secure bases, places, goals, objects, countries, religions, events, or even pets can serve this role. Anything that enhances inner safety and inspires exploration can be a secure base. The stronger these bases, the more resilient a person becomes in the face of adversity.

The belayer metaphor. Think of a rock climber and their belayer. The belayer provides the safety line, allowing the climber to take risks and reach higher. Secure Base Leaders are like belayers, providing the necessary support so others feel safe enough to step out of their comfort zones and pursue challenging goals.

3. Bonding builds trust and is the heart of leadership.

Bonding is an emotional connection that invites the other person to feel a sense of protection and safety as well as energy and inspiration.

Synergy through connection. Bonding is forming an attachment that creates more energy than individuals could generate alone. It's an emotional connection, distinct from mere friendship, built through warmth, eye contact, dialogue, and shared goals. It's the "caring" part of leadership, often neglected but fundamental to human nature and critical for success.

Essential for followership. The best leaders are warm, connected, and engaged, not cold or aloof. They believe people are fundamentally good and trustworthy, seeing the human behind the job title. This ability to bond makes people want to follow, not just comply, fostering engagement, loyalty, and resilience.

The bonding cycle. Relationships naturally move through stages:

• Attachment: Basic connection providing comfort.
• Bonding: Emotional exchange and depth of contact around a common goal.
• Separation: The natural end or transition of a bond.
• Grief: Processing the loss to allow for new attachments and growth.
  Effective bonding requires the ability to navigate this cycle, including the necessary grief.

4. Embracing grief is essential for delivering change.

Grief is the normal and natural emotional reaction to the change or end in any familiar pattern of behavior.

Loss necessitates grief. All change involves loss – the loss of what was familiar. Grief is the emotional process of saying goodbye to that loss. This applies not just to major life events but also to organizational changes like restructures, job losses, or even losing a favorite office. Ignoring grief leaves people stuck, unable to fully engage with the new.

Resistance is grief. Resistance to change in organizations is often rooted in ungrieved loss or anticipated loss. People may express denial, anger, fear, or sadness. Leaders who understand this can create safe spaces for emotions, acknowledge the pain, and help people move through the grief curve towards acceptance, forgiveness, and gratitude.

Accelerating by slowing down. Paradoxically, allowing time and space for grief accelerates the change process in the long run. Leaders can use ritual to acknowledge loss and model healthy emotional responses. By helping people process loss, leaders liberate their energy, allowing them to re-bond to new goals and challenges, driving faster, more motivated results.

5. Focusing the Mind's Eye on the positive unlocks potential.

Your Mind’s Eye guides you to make sense of the events, experiences, challenges and opportunities in your life.

The internal flashlight. The Mind's Eye is the part of the brain that directs focus. It's like a flashlight you can shine on the positive (benefit, gain, opportunity) or the negative (danger, pain, loss). While the brain is hardwired to scan for threats (survival), we have the choice to shift our focus.

Shaping beliefs and outcomes. Where you focus your Mind's Eye shapes your beliefs about yourself and the world, influencing your expectations and what you believe is possible. Secure bases, through modeling and powerful messages, help others shift their focus from a fixed, negative mindset ("I can't") to a growth, positive mindset ("I can learn and grow").

State and results. Your Mind's Eye directly impacts your state (physiology, emotions, attitude). A negative focus creates a negative state (anxiety, stress), hindering performance. A positive focus creates a positive state (calm, energized), enabling better results. Leaders manage their own state and help others manage theirs by directing the Mind's Eye towards possibility.

6. Playing to Win combines high caring and high daring for sustainable achievement.

Playing to Win translates into your willingness to take the necessary risks to succeed.

The sweet spot. Playing to Win is the optimal leadership approach, combining high caring (strong relationships, trust) with high daring (high challenge, risk-taking). It's about achieving significant goals with and through people, ensuring success is sustainable and healthy, not achieved at the expense of well-being.

Beyond other approaches. The book contrasts Playing to Win with less effective approaches:

• Playing Not to Lose (High Caring, Low Daring): Overprotective, risk-averse, stifles growth.
• Playing to Dominate (Low Caring, High Daring): Drives results but neglects relationships, leading to burnout and disengagement.
• Playing to Avoid (Low Caring, Low Daring): Disengaged, withdrawn, minimal effort.

Courage and impact. Playing to Win requires courage – the courage to care deeply and the courage to challenge boldly. Leaders in this quadrant inspire others to reach beyond perceived limitations, creating a sense of flow where challenge meets skill, leading to optimal performance and profound impact.

7. Intrinsic motivation fuels high performance.

What really motivates people is the ability to move toward self-actualization, the drive to fulfill their potential.

Beyond extrinsic rewards. While money and external rewards (extrinsic motivation) can attract and retain, they don't drive true high performance or engagement. What truly inspires people is intrinsic motivation – the desire to learn, grow, contribute, find meaning, and achieve mastery for its own sake.

Tapping into potential. Secure Base Leaders understand this and tap into people's innate drive for self-actualization. They provide opportunities for learning, growth, and contribution, offering rich experiences that are novel, challenging, and engaging. This approach builds engagement without relying solely on limited financial resources.

Purpose and contribution. Inspiring intrinsic motivation often involves connecting people to a larger purpose or the opportunity to make a difference. When people feel part of something meaningful and see how their efforts contribute, they are far more energized and committed than when simply working for a paycheck.

8. Leaders must signal accessibility to build trust.

What’s interesting here is that their perception was not exactly the same as reality: secure bases were not in constant contact or necessarily nearby.

Perception matters. Being a Secure Base Leader doesn't mean being available 24/7. What's crucial is that people perceive you as accessible and available when needed. This perception builds trust and provides a psychological safety net, even when you're not physically present.

Beyond physical proximity. Accessibility is signaled through responsiveness, approachability, and demonstrating care. It's about the quality of interaction, not the quantity. Even brief, meaningful exchanges or symbolic gestures (like an open-door policy or a dedicated communication channel) can powerfully signal availability.

Building the bond. Signaling accessibility reinforces the bond between leader and follower. It shows that you care enough to be there for them, fostering a sense of security that enables them to take risks and explore. Conversely, being detached or unavailable erodes trust and hinders daring.

9. Understanding your leadership roots strengthens your ability to lead others.

Your professional role is really just the tip of the iceberg of who you are.

Past shapes present. Your leadership style is deeply influenced by your life history, including the people and experiences that shaped you. Both positive influences (secure bases) and negative experiences (crucibles) contribute to your beliefs, habits, and relationship patterns. Understanding these "roots" is crucial for self-awareness.

Liberation from patterns. Unconscious patterns from the past can hold you hostage, limiting your effectiveness. Recognizing how past experiences (like childhood relationships or significant losses) impact your current behavior allows you to break free from destructive habits and develop new, more effective ones. This is not about blame, but about understanding and choice.

Becoming your own secure base. A strong history of secure bases helps you internalize support and confidence, enabling you to become your own secure base. This doesn't mean isolation, but interdependence – drawing strength from within and from others. Self-awareness, managing your state, and taming your inner critic are key to this internal strength.

10. Developing a Secure Attachment Style enhances relationships.

Your attachment style in a given situation is the intersection between how you feel about yourself and how you feel about others.

Relational patterns. Attachment styles, often formed in childhood, describe how you connect with others. They are based on your internal models of self (positive/negative) and others (positive/negative). Understanding your style helps you see how you interact, especially under pressure.

Four styles:

• Secure (Positive Self, Positive Other): Comfortable with intimacy and independence, trusts self and others, Playing to Win.
• Avoidant-Dismissive (Positive Self, Negative Other): Self-reliant, detached, distrusts others, Playing to Dominate.
• Anxious (Negative Self, Positive Other): Seeks reassurance, anxious about relationships, distrusts self, Playing Not to Lose.
• Detached (Negative Self, Negative Other): Avoids intimacy, distrusts self and others, Playing to Avoid.

Learning and growth. While styles can be deeply ingrained, they are learned, not fixed. You can practice behaviors associated with the Secure Attachment Style to build healthier relationships. This involves becoming aware of your patterns, especially under stress, and consciously choosing different responses.

11. Reading signals and practicing dialogue deepens connection.

Signals are the verbal and non-verbal messages that confirm or deny the truth of a person’s communications.

Beyond words. Communication is more than just the words used. Signals from the body, emotions, mind (thoughts/beliefs), and spirit (intention) convey deeper meaning. Becoming a "profiler" who can read these conscious and unconscious signals accurately provides crucial insight into others' states and motivations.

Dialogue builds understanding. Deep dialogue is a powerful skill for connection, involving listening, inquiry, and talking to seek a shared understanding. It requires suspending judgment and being open to discovery. Blocks to dialogue (discounting, passivity, redefining, overdetailing) hinder this process.

Practical dialogue skills. Improving dialogue involves:

• Managing your State: Remaining calm to avoid triggering negative responses.
• Clarifying Outcome: Knowing your goal for the conversation.
• Giving Choice: Empowering others by offering options.
• Making Concessions: Using words or gestures to build reciprocity.
• Asking Questions: Using open-ended questions to encourage sharing and understanding.
  Practicing these skills helps you model secure base behaviors and build deeper connections.

12. Transforming the organization into a Secure Base drives collective success.

When an organization prioritizes both relationships and results, it can be a secure base to employees.

Systemic impact. The ultimate goal is to infuse Secure Base Leadership throughout the organization, making the company itself a secure base. This requires aligning vision, mission, values, strategy, policies, and HR processes to consistently provide both safety and stretch.

Key areas for transformation:

• Inspiring Leadership: Senior leaders must model Secure Base behaviors and personally engage in the transformation journey.
• HR Processes: Integrate caring and daring into job descriptions, recruitment, competencies, objectives, performance reviews, and talent development.
• Goals, Vision, Mission: Ensure desired-achievement statements are authentic, compelling, and explicitly incorporate both results and relationships ("We commit to...").

Culture of engagement and innovation. When an organization becomes a secure base, it fosters deep engagement and resilience. People feel safe to experiment and take risks, knowing they are supported even in failure, which is essential for innovation. This creates a culture where people flourish and achieve astonishing collective results.

Last updated: June 22, 2025